House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been looking for a home. DH will be paying for the bulk of the down payment from his personal savings accrued prior to our marriage. I’ve been doing the bulk of - if not all - the housing search and pre-approval process. We live in a very competitive market and houses are sold within a matter of hours so we need to stay on top of new listings.

I initially wanted to look for a home because what we are paying in rent is equivalent to a small mortgage. I wanted us to find a starter home where we could have our first child and eventually purchase a larger home with the idea the first one could eventually be a rental property.

We started looking, and the list of things DH wants just keeps growing. I try to remind him that we are looking for starter homes and he has made a (good) point tHat he doesn’t want to settle. The reality is that the list of things he wants (newer construction, specific heating, garage, yard, 3 bedroom, 2 bath, newer appliances) in a nice neighborhood is out of our price range. I’ve talked to him twic about needing to compromise, like on the heating and appliances or 1 less bedroom. He agrees verbally, I find listings matching this and then he turns it down in person.

I’m very tired of doing all the work and communication with the realtor for him to reject it. We’ve seen 25+ homes so far and I feel bad for wasting this poor realtors mind! I’ve had this conversation twice now about DH needing to be more engaged in the process and consider making some compromises but nothing changes when push comes to shove.

Our other option would be to pay down some liabilities, but due to a recent change in DH’s job we may not be eligible for the type of financing that we pre-qualified for in the new year (or so our mortgage broker tells us.)

I feel like I’m ready to throw in the towel for the sake of our marriage and look again when we can get pre-approved for a more expensive home that’s in line with what he wants.

Thank you for reading, this is largely just a big vent.

[Anonymous]

Who decided that you should buy a home? It sounds like he’s stalling or ambivalent. How long have you been married? Maybe he’s nervous about sinking all of “his” savings into it. What’s your financial arrangement? Have you combined? Who pays for what?

[Anonymous]

Has husband seen 25+ homes? Actually walked in? He will get bored with this. Just don't put in that-much-more time (researching) than he does going into these houses himself.

[Anonymous]

What are the must haves? Compromising on things you can’t change: number of bedrooms, garage etc is hard. Everything hey can be changed with time and a reasonable $ should be ignored. Like appliances (as long as they are the gas/electric variety you want or there is an option to change easily: gas line already there).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who decided that you should buy a home? It sounds like he’s stalling or ambivalent. How long have you been married? Maybe he’s nervous about sinking all of “his” savings into it. What’s your financial arrangement? Have you combined? Who pays for what?

We mutually decided. He has been casually looking at listings over the past year, I however was the one who contacted the realtor.

We combine 80% of our pay. He makes $120k and I earn 52k. I have student loan debt and less savings, he managed to save roughly $50k for a down payment and I’ll be contributing some as well, albeit not nearly that much. We’ve been married 1 year, living together for 3. He had the luxury of living at home rent-free prior to our relationship which is why he has saved so much money. I’ve been on my own since I was 16.

[Anonymous]

Why go to see houses that you know don’t meet DHs requirements? Since you say there aren’t any just only schedule a showing for something that meets all his desires at the right price. Then he can ask why there are no showings. If you can’t do this you need to realize that part of this is your way of pushing the process. If you want to compromise have the discussion offline not by going to see house after house you might want but he doesn’t seem to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who decided that you should buy a home? It sounds like he’s stalling or ambivalent. How long have you been married? Maybe he’s nervous about sinking all of “his” savings into it. What’s your financial arrangement? Have you combined? Who pays for what?

We mutually decided. He has been casually looking at listings over the past year, I however was the one who contacted the realtor.

We combine 80% of our pay. He makes $120k and I earn 52k. I have student loan debt and less savings, he managed to save roughly $50k for a down payment and I’ll be contributing some as well, albeit not nearly that much. We’ve been married 1 year, living together for 3. He had the luxury of living at home rent-free prior to our relationship which is why he has saved so much money. I’ve been on my own since I was 16.

If I had to guess I’d say he’s ambivalent. You have a really specific vision for the future: starter home, kid(s), trade up for a bigger home, rent out your future home. I remember my DH was nervous about my student loans for a while. Maybe table the discussion for a year. Pay down your loans, save some more, then reevaluate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why go to see houses that you know don’t meet DHs requirements? Since you say there aren’t any just only schedule a showing for something that meets all his desires at the right price. Then he can ask why there are no showings. If you can’t do this you need to realize that part of this is your way of pushing the process. If you want to compromise have the discussion offline not by going to see house after house you might want but he doesn’t seem to.

We only see the homes that we both agree to see. We send each other listings that we like and agree to see, then schedule with our realtor. However, in person DH will see a zillion things he doesn’t like and change his mind.

[Anonymous]

What is your current budget? Is it realistic?

[Anonymous]

Aside from the “rent is just throwing money away” argument, why do you need to buy a house? Serious question. Can you answer it?

I’m sorta on Team DH here even though I’m not entirely sure what his motivations are for rejecting everything. My fiancé and I rent and he really wants to buy a house next year as soon as we get married. I, on the other hand, am fine where we are, and saving more money and not being on the hook for home repairs and stuff. Our situation is that we have an entire house that’s one half of a double block (our landlord lives in the other half and is a longtime friend of mine, lets us paint and decorate, and isn’t even around all that much), the yard is fenced for the dogs, we have off street parking, and our internet and garbage fees are included. The price of our rent is very, very, very reasonable. If we move, a mortgage will be the same or greater, and anything that breaks or needs a repair is ours to pay for. I love our neighborhood. Everyone looks out for each other, is friendly, and we are each 10 minutes from our jobs.

I am really in no hurry to take on such a serious obligation and leave what is a very good situation. I’d like to save more. I wouldn’t want a “starter home” and have to go through the process of home buying/selling twice. If he is subconsciously sabotaging the search for anything like my reasons, he isn’t necessarily wrong. I just don’t see the need to be a homeowner to feel like I’ve arrived in life if it’s not necessarily the best financial decision I can make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why go to see houses that you know don’t meet DHs requirements? Since you say there aren’t any just only schedule a showing for something that meets all his desires at the right price. Then he can ask why there are no showings. If you can’t do this you need to realize that part of this is your way of pushing the process. If you want to compromise have the discussion offline not by going to see house after house you might want but he doesn’t seem to.

We only see the homes that we both agree to see. We send each other listings that we like and agree to see, then schedule with our realtor. However, in person DH will see a zillion things he doesn’t like and change his mind.

So let him take the lead and contact the realtor to make appts for homes he’s interested in. If he doesn’t do that, it means he doesn’t want a house right now.

[Anonymous]

If he's not happy, don't do it. Wait until you can afford what he wants, otherwise he'll be unhappy and blame you. Your household income can also take a unexpected downturn and you may be stuck in that starter home or fixer upper far longer than either of you want.

Both of you should communicate directly with the realtor exactly what you want in a home. Who knows--maybe there is something out there for the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the “rent is just throwing money away” argument, why do you need to buy a house? Serious question. Can you answer it?

I’m sorta on Team DH here even though I’m not entirely sure what his motivations are for rejecting everything. My fiancé and I rent and he really wants to buy a house next year as soon as we get married. I, on the other hand, am fine where we are, and saving more money and not being on the hook for home repairs and stuff. Our situation is that we have an entire house that’s one half of a double block (our landlord lives in the other half and is a longtime friend of mine, lets us paint and decorate, and isn’t even around all that much), the yard is fenced for the dogs, we have off street parking, and our internet and garbage fees are included. The price of our rent is very, very, very reasonable. If we move, a mortgage will be the same or greater, and anything that breaks or needs a repair is ours to pay for. I love our neighborhood. Everyone looks out for each other, is friendly, and we are each 10 minutes from our jobs.

I am really in no hurry to take on such a serious obligation and leave what is a very good situation. I’d like to save more. I wouldn’t want a “starter home” and have to go through the process of home buying/selling twice. If he is subconsciously sabotaging the search for anything like my reasons, he isn’t necessarily wrong. I just don’t see the need to be a homeowner to feel like I’ve arrived in life if it’s not necessarily the best financial decision I can make.

DH wants to have a family as soon as possible. We’re in a 2 bedroom townhouse and don’t have enough room right now. Our second bedroom is occupied with all our stuff, like sporting goods that really need to go in a garage. Our walls aren’t very soundproof. We’re in a townhouse complex and DH wants more space for a dog too.

Our rent is high and comparable to a mortgage. We don’t have a yard. You’re lucky you have such a good situation! If we were in a similar situation we wouldn’t be in such a hurry. Our rent has also gone up twice this year by $100 each time, and we feel like we’re throwing our money away in a rental.

[Anonymous]

I dont think you can buy a home on $175k that OP makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the “rent is just throwing money away” argument, why do you need to buy a house? Serious question. Can you answer it?

I’m sorta on Team DH here even though I’m not entirely sure what his motivations are for rejecting everything. My fiancé and I rent and he really wants to buy a house next year as soon as we get married. I, on the other hand, am fine where we are, and saving more money and not being on the hook for home repairs and stuff. Our situation is that we have an entire house that’s one half of a double block (our landlord lives in the other half and is a longtime friend of mine, lets us paint and decorate, and isn’t even around all that much), the yard is fenced for the dogs, we have off street parking, and our internet and garbage fees are included. The price of our rent is very, very, very reasonable. If we move, a mortgage will be the same or greater, and anything that breaks or needs a repair is ours to pay for. I love our neighborhood. Everyone looks out for each other, is friendly, and we are each 10 minutes from our jobs.

I am really in no hurry to take on such a serious obligation and leave what is a very good situation. I’d like to save more. I wouldn’t want a “starter home” and have to go through the process of home buying/selling twice. If he is subconsciously sabotaging the search for anything like my reasons, he isn’t necessarily wrong. I just don’t see the need to be a homeowner to feel like I’ve arrived in life if it’s not necessarily the best financial decision I can make.

DH wants to have a family as soon as possible. We’re in a 2 bedroom townhouse and don’t have enough room right now. Our second bedroom is occupied with all our stuff, like sporting goods that really need to go in a garage. Our walls aren’t very soundproof. We’re in a townhouse complex and DH wants more space for a dog too.

Our rent is high and comparable to a mortgage. We don’t have a yard. You’re lucky you have such a good situation! If we were in a similar situation we wouldn’t be in such a hurry. Our rent has also gone up twice this year by $100 each time, and we feel like we’re throwing our money away in a rental.

You have a whole BEDROOM of CRAP and that's why you need a house? Unles your DH is a pro athlete, paying high rent for a two bedroom is foolish. Your soccer cleats are living better than I did (why are you renting a townhouse?). At your incomes a nice one bedroom is a wise choice, and a small dog wound be fine.

Honestly, if you are already cluttered out of your TH before kids and dog, you will have a big problem in a starter home.

Deflutter, move to cheaper rental, and build savings for that nicer place.