FU ADHD

[Anonymous]

My husband and oldest kid have ADHD. It's driving me up the damn wall. All of my patience is gone and I am tired of dealing with it.

Sorry for the rant. I just hate it, and I can't figure out how to deal with it from my end.

[Anonymous]

aren't they medicated?

[Anonymous]

Same here.
Ever since my son has been medicated, it's saved the entire household from insanity.

However my marriage has crumbled because my husband refuses to take his pills (after being diagnosed and given a prescription).
Still have some nagging and persuading work to do on that front, but it's really hard to persuade someone who thinks they're functional to take medication.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. My DH has been medicated for 8 years (diagnosed as an adult). It's not a cure-all. It basically lets him function and be successful at his job. It doesn't give him the discipline to plan his time, show up on time, make appointments I've asked him to make (for himself), or take care of personal business, etc. He is kind, loving, intelligent, but I basically have to nag him about anything relating to our family or house. And I don't like to nag. My house is trashed because unless I pitch a fit, no one does anything. They drop their crap in the floor then step over it a million times without noticing. My car is filthy. I do not like to go nuts and scream all the time, so I basically ignore it until I hit my wall. And I don't really have an outlet, so here I am ranting on an anonymous board. Thank you for reading.

[Anonymous]

Clarifying: he does take his meds, but he just relies on me too much to be the boss at home, and I want it to be a partnership.

[Anonymous]

be the boss. be the empowered woman, be the head of the household.

just do it. own it. wear the pants in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clarifying: he does take his meds, but he just relies on me too much to be the boss at home, and I want it to be a partnership.

I'm so sorry, OP. I totally get why you need to vent.

I almost don't want to suggest this since it would put another thing on your plate, but...have you told him that you and he must get couples counseling? As in, not asked, but told him it's going to happen? Is there a kind of counselor out there who works with adults with ADHD and who can work with you both on helping him somehow take more responsibility in your home and your lives? I know you already said he doesn't plan, doesn't show up on time for things, doesn't make appointments etc. but if there were someone out there who could help you and him implement a plan for how to get him to be more successful at home (like he is at work)....Well, I don't know if such a kind of counselor exists but it's likely someone who deals with therapy for adult ADHD. Maybe someone out there can help if you post on the special needs forum and say you're seeking people with adult ADHD experience. You need a person who helps make schedules and lists, and who can hold you both accountable to those schedules when you meet. That's a bit different from a counselor or therapist who hears and works on your relationship issues but it sounds like you may need both kinds of help. Would DH respond better to an outsider holding him and you both responsible to an organizational plan than he would to your implementing one?

As for the house, it is at all possible to hire cleaners for the big stuff periodically? I realize that doesn't affect things if your DH and oldest kid both drop stuff wherever, all day long, if that's part of the ADHD. But it would take some things off your list. Along the same lines: Is it possible to hire a mother's helper or other regular sitter to deal with the kids at certain times in the week? Vital times like (if they're school-aged) getting the school kids set up for homework and overseeing it while entertaining toddler, for instance--? Hard to suggest as I don't know all the kids' ages. But it would be worth money to get at least a few things taken off your hands for a few hours on a consistent basis, with a sitter (even if you're in the house--you'd be doing other things) and cleaners. But those things won't help your relationship issue with your husband.

OP, you said you don't have an outlet. I really hope that whatever else you do, you DO try to talk to someone, a professional or a friend. You're hitting walls and feeling defeated and that is unhealthy -- and eventually it'll manifest as a blowout with your husband (if it hasn't already).

You said it beautifully yourself in another post: "He just relies on me too much to be the boss at home, and I want it to be a partnership." Substitute "You" for "He" and say this to him. But don't have that talk when he's just come in from work, or when there are kids around, or when one of you needs to go out the door soon to pick up a kid from somewhere etc. This, to me, would be the opening statement in a talk where you lay out your frustrations and say that you both need to see whatever counselor/time management guru you both need, and you are also going to hire cleaners and a mother's helper ASAP. Or whatever you need.

He may see things as "I do well at work and that's what matters" and may have no real understanding (no matter how much he might apologize) that the chaos at home affects you this badly. Some personalities can't conceive how junk on the floor is an issue for other people (and one doesn't have to have ADHD to be that way--this may be a function of his basic personality, not his ADHD). The fact you're ignoring things until you hit a wall and get furious isn't healthy either, plus it probably makes him think you don't really mind -- until suddenly you do because you just yelled at him and the kids. He needs to hear how this is actually an all-the-time issue in your head, and how you and he need some pretty serious planning and task scheduling at home or you're going to end up with an ulcer.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. It doesn’t get better. You’ll never have a partner, not now and certainly not if something goes really bad like you get cancer, and knowing that you are completely alone and can’t count on him to keep things together in the event you can’t will eat you alive. I say this as someone who has been married 10 years to someone with ADHD. Call it ADHD or garden variety Entitled White Herero Male Syndrome, but the result is the same- you have a spouse that does not care enough about you to get past their own discomfort to learn how to deal with their shit.

FWIW, I find that if you treat the ADHD spouse like the teenager they are, you get better results. No one “doesn’t see” the garbage they are tripping over, they just don’t want to clean it up. You wouldn’t let a normal 15 year old get away with that, would you?

[Anonymous]

PP here. In addition to divorcing very the useless spouse, put the kid in therapy. Don’t make excuses for him/her. There are people that specialize in teaching ADHD kids how to cope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clarifying: he does take his meds, but he just relies on me too much to be the boss at home, and I want it to be a partnership.

It can be a partnership - but one in which you have more control and give more direction. I know, my DH was diagnosed after our oldest was diagnosed. I have 2 DSs and a DH with ADHD and a DD that does not (my mini-me!). The only reason it works is because my DH will take direction and likes me to make him a list. We're also a family of routine and structure. My kids are 14, 13, 12.

1. Evenings - I check SIS for grades/homework. Everyone picks out what they're going to wear, decides if they're going to pack/buy lunch (and pack it the night before), brush teeth (we don't brush in the morning), fill the dishwasher and set it to run at 3 AM, put a load of laundry in and set it to run at 4AM. Backpacks are checked and ready to go.
2. Mornings - DH puts clothes in dryer (he's up first and uses the bathroom closest to dryer), kids get 5 minute warning before it's time to get up (only DD gets herself up). Boys have checklist for morning things to do.
3. When they get home from school - everyone has a checklist of things to do, including specific chores (clean bathroom, vacuum floors, empty dishwasher (it was on someone's list to open in the morning so dishes will be dry by afternoon). Cleaning chores should take no more than 20 minutes. We also include study/homework time on it.
4. On weekends, there are chore lists and sometimes I will designate a 'project manager' whose job it is to organize a chore and oversee its execution. Just because someone is a project manager, doesn't mean they don't have to work.

It's taken me a while to get this routine down but it's been immensely helpful. We can't afford to outsource stuff and I'd be killing myself trying to do it all. What's been heartening is that my boys with ADHD are well trained for a list, want one and the older one is now generating his own lists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. My DH has been medicated for 8 years (diagnosed as an adult). It's not a cure-all. It basically lets him function and be successful at his job. It doesn't give him the discipline to plan his time, show up on time, make appointments I've asked him to make (for himself), or take care of personal business, etc. He is kind, loving, intelligent, but I basically have to nag him about anything relating to our family or house. And I don't like to nag. My house is trashed because unless I pitch a fit, no one does anything. They drop their crap in the floor then step over it a million times without noticing. My car is filthy. I do not like to go nuts and scream all the time, so I basically ignore it until I hit my wall. And I don't really have an outlet, so here I am ranting on an anonymous board. Thank you for reading.

09:27 here.

I know! The mental load of planning and thinking for the whole family!

I am training my kids to clean up after themselves and help me with the house, since my husband could live in his filth without noticing and WILL NOT lift a finger in the house.
My son is very willing to help, but he too, doesn't notice a thing until it's pointed out to him.
I keep telling him he has to make an effort so he doesn't turn out like his father.
I also have to tell my daughter not to do her brother's share of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. My DH has been medicated for 8 years (diagnosed as an adult). It's not a cure-all. It basically lets him function and be successful at his job. It doesn't give him the discipline to plan his time, show up on time, make appointments I've asked him to make (for himself), or take care of personal business, etc. He is kind, loving, intelligent, but I basically have to nag him about anything relating to our family or house. And I don't like to nag. My house is trashed because unless I pitch a fit, no one does anything. They drop their crap in the floor then step over it a million times without noticing. My car is filthy. I do not like to go nuts and scream all the time, so I basically ignore it until I hit my wall. And I don't really have an outlet, so here I am ranting on an anonymous board. Thank you for reading.

Sounds like my house, expect it's one child and my DW. Child is trying different meds, DW doesn't think she needs them, which means chaos and disorder and always losing things (yet blaming others) and frequent "I forgots" (appointments, chores, locking cars or front doors, discussions, etc).

[Anonymous]

I'm ADHD wife and my son ADHD too. I just started meds, doesn't help with organization, but an immense help with impulsivity, which means I say fewer mean things. DH isn't easy, though, probably has ADHD, too, maybe even worse, he doesn't believe in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. It doesn’t get better. You’ll never have a partner, not now and certainly not if something goes really bad like you get cancer, and knowing that you are completely alone and can’t count on him to keep things together in the event you can’t will eat you alive. I say this as someone who has been married 10 years to someone with ADHD. Call it ADHD or garden variety Entitled White Herero Male Syndrome, but the result is the same- you have a spouse that does not care enough about you to get past their own discomfort to learn how to deal with their shit.

FWIW, I find that if you treat the ADHD spouse like the teenager they are, you get better results. No one “doesn’t see” the garbage they are tripping over, they just don’t want to clean it up. You wouldn’t let a normal 15 year old get away with that, would you?

ADHD spouse here. Your message is a narrow minded one, perhaps justified given the experience you may be having. I'm sorry you've had to go through whatever it is that has made you so bitter. Most ADD'rs are highly sensitive, high energy, compassionate, have a sense of right & wrong and if there are no co-morbid learning disabilities, they are pretty darn smart. They are also disorganized, impulsive, forgetful, and many other awesome and irritating things, just like everyone else. What I can say for me as an ADD'r is my husband is lucky to have me (I'm just as if not more fortunate). I don't know one woman who would be more loyal and accepting of his deafness and other health issues. Perhaps your spouse is narcissistic or depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clarifying: he does take his meds, but he just relies on me too much to be the boss at home, and I want it to be a partnership.

It can be a partnership - but one in which you have more control and give more direction. I know, my DH was diagnosed after our oldest was diagnosed. I have 2 DSs and a DH with ADHD and a DD that does not (my mini-me!). The only reason it works is because my DH will take direction and likes me to make him a list. We're also a family of routine and structure. My kids are 14, 13, 12.

1. Evenings - I check SIS for grades/homework. Everyone picks out what they're going to wear, decides if they're going to pack/buy lunch (and pack it the night before), brush teeth (we don't brush in the morning), fill the dishwasher and set it to run at 3 AM, put a load of laundry in and set it to run at 4AM. Backpacks are checked and ready to go.
2. Mornings - DH puts clothes in dryer (he's up first and uses the bathroom closest to dryer), kids get 5 minute warning before it's time to get up (only DD gets herself up). Boys have checklist for morning things to do.
3. When they get home from school - everyone has a checklist of things to do, including specific chores (clean bathroom, vacuum floors, empty dishwasher (it was on someone's list to open in the morning so dishes will be dry by afternoon). Cleaning chores should take no more than 20 minutes. We also include study/homework time on it.
4. On weekends, there are chore lists and sometimes I will designate a 'project manager' whose job it is to organize a chore and oversee its execution. Just because someone is a project manager, doesn't mean they don't have to work.

It's taken me a while to get this routine down but it's been immensely helpful. We can't afford to outsource stuff and I'd be killing myself trying to do it all. What's been heartening is that my boys with ADHD are well trained for a list, want one and the older one is now generating his own lists.

Why do you only brush your teeth once a day? That's foul!