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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Clarifying:  he does take his meds, but he just relies on me too much to be the boss at home, and I want it to be a partnership.[/quote]

I'm so sorry, OP. I totally get why you need to vent.

I almost don't want to suggest this since it would put another thing on your plate, but...have you told him that you and he must get couples counseling? As in, not asked, but told him it's going to happen? Is there a kind of counselor out there who works with adults with ADHD and who can work with you both on helping him somehow take more responsibility in your home and your lives? I know you already said he doesn't plan, doesn't show up on time for things, doesn't make appointments etc. but if there were someone out there who could help you and him implement a plan for how to get him to be more successful at home (like he is at work)....Well, I don't know if such a kind of counselor exists but it's likely someone who deals with therapy for adult ADHD. Maybe someone out there can help if you post on the special needs forum and say you're seeking people with adult ADHD experience. You need a person who helps make schedules and lists, and who can hold you both accountable to those schedules when you meet. That's a bit different from a counselor or therapist who hears and works on your relationship issues but it sounds like you may need both kinds of help. Would DH respond better to an outsider holding him and you both responsible to an organizational plan than he would to your implementing one?

As for the house, it is at all possible to hire cleaners for the big stuff periodically? I realize that doesn't affect things if your DH and oldest kid both drop stuff wherever, all day long, if that's part of the ADHD. But it would take some things off your list. Along the same lines: Is it possible to hire a mother's helper or other regular sitter to deal with the kids at certain times in the week? Vital times like (if they're school-aged) getting the school kids set up for homework and overseeing it while entertaining toddler, for instance--? Hard to suggest as I don't know all the kids' ages. But it would be worth money to get at least a few things taken off your hands for a few hours on a consistent basis, with a sitter (even if you're in the house--you'd be doing other things) and cleaners. But those things won't help your relationship issue with your husband.

OP, you said you don't have an outlet. I really hope that whatever else you do, you DO try to talk to someone, a professional or a friend. You're hitting walls and feeling defeated and that is unhealthy -- and eventually it'll manifest as a blowout with your husband (if it hasn't already).

You said it beautifully yourself in another post: [i]"He just relies on me too much to be the boss at home, and I want it to be a partnership."[/i] Substitute "You" for "He" and say this to him. But don't have that talk when he's just come in from work, or when there are kids around, or when one of you needs to go out the door soon to pick up a kid from somewhere etc. This, to me, would be the opening statement in a talk where you lay out your frustrations and say that you both need to see whatever counselor/time management guru you both need, and you are also going to hire cleaners and a mother's helper ASAP. Or whatever you need.

He may see things as "I do well at work and that's what matters" and may have no real understanding (no matter how much he might apologize) that the chaos at home affects you this badly. Some personalities can't conceive how junk on the floor is an issue for other people (and one doesn't have to have ADHD to be that way--this may be a function of his basic personality, not his ADHD). The fact you're ignoring things until you hit a wall and get furious isn't healthy either, plus it probably makes him think you don't really mind -- until suddenly you do because you just yelled at him and the kids. He needs to hear how this is actually an all-the-time issue in your head, and how you and he need some pretty serious planning and task scheduling at home or you're going to end up with an ulcer.

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