FU ADHD

[Anonymous]

I’m with 20:22. Lists are your friend. It saves arguing and getting mad on all sides. Kid & DH don’t get upset at a list but do if it’s me ‘nagging’ or shouting, and I loathe being in the latter position as well.

For DS, there is no medication that doesn’t come with disastrous side effects; so he is unmedicated. During the week, his big task is to check in with teachers frequently for test dates/assignments. I make him turn in rough essays at least 2 days ahead of their due date for feedback. (He’s in an IB program where grading is harsh & many of his teachers refuse to use managebac). Fri PM, he must draft a weekend checklist, showing me exactly when/what he needs to do. No chores; school (incl community service) has my kid at the limit of his capacity right now.

DH keeps a checklist on his phone, incl household chores, and all three of our calendars are linked, so we have automatic visibility into what’s going on for each of us. I have visibility to DH’s checklist and can add to it or highlight items that need to be done sooner.

All of this means that I definitely do most of the organizational heavy lifting, which I don’t mind IF I get cooperation from DH & DS.

[Anonymous]

There are days I go on "strike", and I tell my ADHD husband that and I just take a day off from being the boss. He steps up and starts to see what is frustrating me. Can you try this?

[Anonymous]

Why do you only brush your teeth once a day? That's foul!

Even with a lot of advance planning, mornings are still busy. It's one less thing we have to do and our dentist is fine with it. We have no/little plaque build up on our twice yearly visits. If it doesn't work for you, feel free to brush more frequently. We'll do what works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. My DH has been medicated for 8 years (diagnosed as an adult). It's not a cure-all. It basically lets him function and be successful at his job. It doesn't give him the discipline to plan his time, show up on time, make appointments I've asked him to make (for himself), or take care of personal business, etc. He is kind, loving, intelligent, but I basically have to nag him about anything relating to our family or house. And I don't like to nag. My house is trashed because unless I pitch a fit, no one does anything. They drop their crap in the floor then step over it a million times without noticing. My car is filthy. I do not like to go nuts and scream all the time, so I basically ignore it until I hit my wall. And I don't really have an outlet, so here I am ranting on an anonymous board. Thank you for reading.

So happy to know I'm not alone! DH's ADHD pracitally ruined our marriage, he's on meds now. I feel like I'm seeing symptoms crop up with 7 year old DD. My house is a dump, tons of unfinished projects and crap all over the floor nobody notices/picks up except for me. And I run out of steam and just let the dump overtake us at times before I can rally. I hired a clearning crew to come every other week to inspire them to get their sh*t up off the floor, it kind of works. Sometimes I'm just in awe watching his busy mind go. So frustrating. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

It can be a partnership - but one in which you have more control and give more direction. I know, my DH was diagnosed after our oldest was diagnosed. I have 2 DSs and a DH with ADHD and a DD that does not (my mini-me!). The only reason it works is because my DH will take direction and likes me to make him a list. We're also a family of routine and structure. My kids are 14, 13, 12.

1. Evenings - I check SIS for grades/homework. Everyone picks out what they're going to wear, decides if they're going to pack/buy lunch (and pack it the night before), brush teeth (we don't brush in the morning), fill the dishwasher and set it to run at 3 AM, put a load of laundry in and set it to run at 4AM. Backpacks are checked and ready to go.
2. Mornings - DH puts clothes in dryer (he's up first and uses the bathroom closest to dryer), kids get 5 minute warning before it's time to get up (only DD gets herself up). Boys have checklist for morning things to do.
3. When they get home from school - everyone has a checklist of things to do, including specific chores (clean bathroom, vacuum floors, empty dishwasher (it was on someone's list to open in the morning so dishes will be dry by afternoon). Cleaning chores should take no more than 20 minutes. We also include study/homework time on it.
4. On weekends, there are chore lists and sometimes I will designate a 'project manager' whose job it is to organize a chore and oversee its execution. Just because someone is a project manager, doesn't mean they don't have to work.

You are amazing! Thanks for this idea. Question: Do you have an actual check list on a white board? Something else? What happens if something doesn't get done? Is there a consequence?

It's taken me a while to get this routine down but it's been immensely helpful. We can't afford to outsource stuff and I'd be killing myself trying to do it all. What's been heartening is that my boys with ADHD are well trained for a list, want one and the older one is now generating his own lists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with 20:22. Lists are your friend. It saves arguing and getting mad on all sides. Kid & DH don’t get upset at a list but do if it’s me ‘nagging’ or shouting, and I loathe being in the latter position as well.

For DS, there is no medication that doesn’t come with disastrous side effects; so he is unmedicated. During the week, his big task is to check in with teachers frequently for test dates/assignments. I make him turn in rough essays at least 2 days ahead of their due date for feedback. (He’s in an IB program where grading is harsh & many of his teachers refuse to use managebac). Fri PM, he must draft a weekend checklist, showing me exactly when/what he needs to do. No chores; school (incl community service) has my kid at the limit of his capacity right now.

DH keeps a checklist on his phone, incl household chores, and all three of our calendars are linked, so we have automatic visibility into what’s going on for each of us. I have visibility to DH’s checklist and can add to it or highlight items that need to be done sooner.

All of this means that I definitely do most of the organizational heavy lifting, which I don’t mind IF I get cooperation from DH & DS.

So how did you get husband / child on board with this? I feel like if I had the calendar only I would check it/keep up with it because DH would forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clarifying: he does take his meds, but he just relies on me too much to be the boss at home, and I want it to be a partnership.

It can be a partnership - but one in which you have more control and give more direction. I know, my DH was diagnosed after our oldest was diagnosed. I have 2 DSs and a DH with ADHD and a DD that does not (my mini-me!). The only reason it works is because my DH will take direction and likes me to make him a list. We're also a family of routine and structure. My kids are 14, 13, 12.

1. Evenings - I check SIS for grades/homework. Everyone picks out what they're going to wear, decides if they're going to pack/buy lunch (and pack it the night before), brush teeth (we don't brush in the morning), fill the dishwasher and set it to run at 3 AM, put a load of laundry in and set it to run at 4AM. Backpacks are checked and ready to go.
2. Mornings - DH puts clothes in dryer (he's up first and uses the bathroom closest to dryer), kids get 5 minute warning before it's time to get up (only DD gets herself up). Boys have checklist for morning things to do.
3. When they get home from school - everyone has a checklist of things to do, including specific chores (clean bathroom, vacuum floors, empty dishwasher (it was on someone's list to open in the morning so dishes will be dry by afternoon). Cleaning chores should take no more than 20 minutes. We also include study/homework time on it.
4. On weekends, there are chore lists and sometimes I will designate a 'project manager' whose job it is to organize a chore and oversee its execution. Just because someone is a project manager, doesn't mean they don't have to work.

It's taken me a while to get this routine down but it's been immensely helpful. We can't afford to outsource stuff and I'd be killing myself trying to do it all. What's been heartening is that my boys with ADHD are well trained for a list, want one and the older one is now generating his own lists.

Why do you only brush your teeth once a day? That's foul!

I agree, that is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why do you only brush your teeth once a day? That's foul!

Even with a lot of advance planning, mornings are still busy. It's one less thing we have to do and our dentist is fine with it. We have no/little plaque build up on our twice yearly visits. If it doesn't work for you, feel free to brush more frequently. We'll do what works for us.

I hope you have little to no contact with people during the day, because your breath must be foul..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m with 20:22. Lists are your friend. It saves arguing and getting mad on all sides. Kid & DH don’t get upset at a list but do if it’s me ‘nagging’ or shouting, and I loathe being in the latter position as well.

For DS, there is no medication that doesn’t come with disastrous side effects; so he is unmedicated. During the week, his big task is to check in with teachers frequently for test dates/assignments. I make him turn in rough essays at least 2 days ahead of their due date for feedback. (He’s in an IB program where grading is harsh & many of his teachers refuse to use managebac). Fri PM, he must draft a weekend checklist, showing me exactly when/what he needs to do. No chores; school (incl community service) has my kid at the limit of his capacity right now.

DH keeps a checklist on his phone, incl household chores, and all three of our calendars are linked, so we have automatic visibility into what’s going on for each of us. I have visibility to DH’s checklist and can add to it or highlight items that need to be done sooner.

All of this means that I definitely do most of the organizational heavy lifting, which I don’t mind IF I get cooperation from DH & DS.

So how did you get husband / child on board with this? I feel like if I had the calendar only I would check it/keep up with it because DH would forget.

I think they really hate me nagging! Admittedly, I do most of DS’s calendar - it’s for stuff like after school activities, Dr appts, anything where someone need to drive him somewhere. DS only keeps his manual homework calendar up to date (see above). And I am the tech person, who sets each person’s device up, which ensures there are no complaints of ‘I didn’t know!’

DH keeps his own calendar. He’s so forgetful that he checks his calendar all day, tbh, as he KNOWS he won’t remember stuff and feels perpetually paranoid. If I think he’s going to forget something critical, I give it an alarm - so it flashes on his screen without me having to say anything. Also, if he doesn’t mark something down & it’s his turn to pick up DS, for example, he’s SOL and has to cancel the other thing. I don’t pick up the slack unless it’s something truly out of his control.

[Anonymous]

So how did you get husband / child on board with this? I feel like if I had the calendar only I would check it/keep up with it because DH would forget.

20:22 here. It took years of work to get DH to consistently use lists/calendar (I do the same thing the PP does in linking calendars). I first bought him a Franklin Planner about 20 years ago for Xmas and the class on how to use it! I think for DH, I think he liked feeling he accomplished something and liked knowing he did the right thing first (not getting the right thing done or underestimating what it would take to do it had been problematic). It also saved him time. I can organize as easily as I can breathe. For DH, it's like slogging thru mud.

For the kids, I 'incentivized' them. Do everything on the list and you can then do/get X,Y,Z. It doesn't have to be anything big, just something they want. The older they get, the easier it is because they get it. Start small and work up to bigger things. And, yes, if the list isn't completed there can be consequences. Usually along the lines of 'you must stop whatever your doing and complete the things on the list. I will oversee your work and when you are done, you do NOT get to do X,Y,Z.' So, either way, the list gets done. But remember, just like with any kind of 'training', you have to invest time but the rewards are well worth it and not just for you. These are life skills. But, yeah, it can be frustrating and a PIA getting them trained.

How I make the list, depended upon the age of the kid and how much time I had. Since one of my kids has SN, we did a lot of visual lists at first. Now, sometimes I use a sticky note for each kid or will text the list. If it's a bigger project, I'll use the white board and break it down into sub-tasks. For example, in the beginning, I just couldn't say 'clean the kitchen' but had to list each step and in the order it should be done - and not just for the kids but for DH.

The kids also use the white board to list things they need me or DH to do (fix bike, change lightbulb, etc.). We also have a running grocery list. Our white board is actually really big. We made it out of showerboard from Home Depot. Everyone soon learned that if it wasn't on the whiteboard, it didn't get done or didn't get purchased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:be the boss. be the empowered woman, be the head of the household.

just do it. own it. wear the pants in the family.

It's not that simple. It can be freaking exhausting to always be the responsible one. To be the boss while your partners incapable of adulting. And if OP's ADHD husband is like mine- he's not grateful or appreciative. He can't function without being bossed around but then treats you like shit for doing it or inevitably when shit falls through the cracks because your managing your life, his, and the kids, he's a total asshole about it.

[Anonymous]

ADHD dh just looked up his college roommate who had ADHD. Dude got disbarred for being chronically late to court. DH is deep in thought. It is almost funny to watch him. They are in their fifties...we have been married for 25 years. DD also has ADHD. It got easier when both of them got on meds.