19 YO son came home with a tattoo!

[Anonymous]

So my 19 YO DS has spent much of the summer in summer courses so he can graduate on time, but came home for two weeks on Sunday for the break between summer and fall classes.

He surprised us by telling us he got a tattoo a week ago. Which was completely unexpected - he never told us he was considering it or even really expressed interest in trying (outside a phase back when he was 16).

He knows me and DH don't like tattoos. They are the destruction of the human body that will, outside expensive laser removal, fixtures on the body. They also Mark a person, fairly or unfairly, as a part of the underclass, mostly associated with drugs, alcohol, and living a risky lifestyle I think most parents hope their kids never have to deal with.

I know that isn't my son - he is a smart, highly capable young man who has excelled in both school and work environments. But I just think he got wrapped up in the excitement (apparently him and several friends went and got tattoos together so I think it was just peer pressure).

At this point both me and DH are angry and hurt - DS knew our views on this well. Which is probably why he didn't tell us he was considering this action.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. My view is to stop supporting him (we pay for part of tuition + rent him an apartment off campus. I would offer to pay for room + board in official school housing, as I've always believed it was our duty as parents to provide food and housing for our kids if they can't do so themselves, but in my opinion if he sees himself as mature enough to desecrate his body, he is old enough to be responsible for his own education and spending money (which he already funds). If he can't afford school, or is unwilling to take out loans to cover his education, he knows there will always be a place at our table and a bed waiting for him at home. But I am not comfortable or in a position to pay for an apartment with "friends" who would suggest he get a tattoo.

DH thinks I'm being too harsh, but I just think DS knew what our response would be and should have considered that before getting the tattoo without even mentioning it to us.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a fan of tattoos myself, but I think you should really reconsider your position here. Do you really want to lose your relationship with him over a tattoo?

[Anonymous]

I'm with your DH. Is it on his face? His neck? Is it somewhere that he can cover when necessary? If so, just leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with your DH. Is it on his face? His neck? Is it somewhere that he can cover when necessary? If so, just leave it.

PS - I hate tattoos. Hate them.

[Anonymous]

That is pretty extreme of you. Tell him it was a dumb decision and leave it alone. His tattoo is no reflection on his college performance. You are just throwing your authority around

[Anonymous]

Sure, cut off his tuition and housing assistance. Ridiculous. He didn't rob a bank or march in Charlottesville last week, did he?

[Anonymous]

Total control freak mom. He's 19. Take a breath and move on. It could be worse. He could be working for Trump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my 19 YO DS has spent much of the summer in summer courses so he can graduate on time, but came home for two weeks on Sunday for the break between summer and fall classes.

He surprised us by telling us he got a tattoo a week ago. Which was completely unexpected - he never told us he was considering it or even really expressed interest in trying (outside a phase back when he was 16).

He knows me and DH don't like tattoos. They are the destruction of the human body that will, outside expensive laser removal, fixtures on the body. They also Mark a person, fairly or unfairly, as a part of the underclass, mostly associated with drugs, alcohol, and living a risky lifestyle I think most parents hope their kids never have to deal with.

I know that isn't my son - he is a smart, highly capable young man who has excelled in both school and work environments. But I just think he got wrapped up in the excitement (apparently him and several friends went and got tattoos together so I think it was just peer pressure).

At this point both me and DH are angry and hurt - DS knew our views on this well. Which is probably why he didn't tell us he was considering this action.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. My view is to stop supporting him (we pay for part of tuition + rent him an apartment off campus. I would offer to pay for room + board in official school housing, as I've always believed it was our duty as parents to provide food and housing for our kids if they can't do so themselves, but in my opinion if he sees himself as mature enough to desecrate his body, he is old enough to be responsible for his own education and spending money (which he already funds). If he can't afford school, or is unwilling to take out loans to cover his education, he knows there will always be a place at our table and a bed waiting for him at home. But I am not comfortable or in a position to pay for an apartment with "friends" who would suggest he get a tattoo.

DH thinks I'm being too harsh, but I just think DS knew what our response would be and should have considered that before getting the tattoo without even mentioning it to us.

Not sure how I would feel if my kid got a tattoo without talking to me about it so you're within your rights to be annoyed. But - the bolded part? - Seriously? Lots of educated, well-to-do people have tattoos, including my husband and my kid, one of whom doesn't drink alcohol or do drugs and the other who partakes a little. (Me, I don't care for tattoos on my body.) Yes, I would agree that he went against your rules so you need to respond but I think your proposal to punish him this way is waaaaay overreacting. And it will probably result in him distancing himself from you and leaving home as soon as he can. Are you sure you want that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my 19 YO DS has spent much of the summer in summer courses so he can graduate on time, but came home for two weeks on Sunday for the break between summer and fall classes.

He surprised us by telling us he got a tattoo a week ago. Which was completely unexpected - he never told us he was considering it or even really expressed interest in trying (outside a phase back when he was 16).

He knows me and DH don't like tattoos. They are the destruction of the human body that will, outside expensive laser removal, fixtures on the body. They also Mark a person, fairly or unfairly, as a part of the underclass, mostly associated with drugs, alcohol, and living a risky lifestyle I think most parents hope their kids never have to deal with.

I know that isn't my son - he is a smart, highly capable young man who has excelled in both school and work environments. But I just think he got wrapped up in the excitement (apparently him and several friends went and got tattoos together so I think it was just peer pressure).

At this point both me and DH are angry and hurt - DS knew our views on this well. Which is probably why he didn't tell us he was considering this action.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. My view is to stop supporting him (we pay for part of tuition + rent him an apartment off campus. I would offer to pay for room + board in official school housing, as I've always believed it was our duty as parents to provide food and housing for our kids if they can't do so themselves, but in my opinion if he sees himself as mature enough to desecrate his body, he is old enough to be responsible for his own education and spending money (which he already funds). If he can't afford school, or is unwilling to take out loans to cover his education, he knows there will always be a place at our table and a bed waiting for him at home. But I am not comfortable or in a position to pay for an apartment with "friends" who would suggest he get a tattoo.

DH thinks I'm being too harsh, but I just think DS knew what our response would be and should have considered that before getting the tattoo without even mentioning it to us.

So you'll limit his ability to get work in the future by refusing to pay his ciollege tuition, but you'll support him in some sort of extended adolescence by letting him stay in your home? What's your long game here? How does that help him become a productive member of society?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my 19 YO DS has spent much of the summer in summer courses so he can graduate on time, but came home for two weeks on Sunday for the break between summer and fall classes.

He surprised us by telling us he got a tattoo a week ago. Which was completely unexpected - he never told us he was considering it or even really expressed interest in trying (outside a phase back when he was 16).

He knows me and DH don't like tattoos. They are the destruction of the human body that will, outside expensive laser removal, fixtures on the body. They also Mark a person, fairly or unfairly, as a part of the underclass, mostly associated with drugs, alcohol, and living a risky lifestyle I think most parents hope their kids never have to deal with.

I know that isn't my son - he is a smart, highly capable young man who has excelled in both school and work environments. But I just think he got wrapped up in the excitement (apparently him and several friends went and got tattoos together so I think it was just peer pressure).

At this point both me and DH are angry and hurt - DS knew our views on this well. Which is probably why he didn't tell us he was considering this action.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. My view is to stop supporting him (we pay for part of tuition + rent him an apartment off campus. I would offer to pay for room + board in official school housing, as I've always believed it was our duty as parents to provide food and housing for our kids if they can't do so themselves, but in my opinion if he sees himself as mature enough to desecrate his body, he is old enough to be responsible for his own education and spending money (which he already funds). If he can't afford school, or is unwilling to take out loans to cover his education, he knows there will always be a place at our table and a bed waiting for him at home. But I am not comfortable or in a position to pay for an apartment with "friends" who would suggest he get a tattoo.

DH thinks I'm being too harsh, but I just think DS knew what our response would be and should have considered that before getting the tattoo without even mentioning it to us.

Not sure how I would feel if my kid got a tattoo without talking to me about it so you're within your rights to be annoyed. But - the bolded part? - Seriously? Lots of educated, well-to-do people have tattoos, including my husband and my kid, one of whom doesn't drink alcohol or do drugs and the other who partakes a little. (Me, I don't care for tattoos on my body.) Yes, I would agree that he went against your rules so you need to respond but I think your proposal to punish him this way is waaaaay overreacting. And it will probably result in him distancing himself from you and leaving home as soon as he can. Are you sure you want that?

George Schulz! Secretary of State! Princeton grad! Tattoo on his ass!

[Anonymous]

Is it on his face? I mean, get a grip here.

I work in a law firm where most of the partners are between 55-40. Of those in that age range, almost all have tattoos.

One of the best litigation secretaries here has a tattoo on the side of her neck and another on the palm of her hand.

Thank goodness SOME people aren't as superficial as you are, huh, OP?

[Anonymous]

He's 19. It's a tattoo. It's his body. It's his choice. It's his to look at for the rest of his life.

Are you going to cut him off if he has sex with his penis with a girl you don't like?

Are you going to cut him off if he eats food you don't like?

If he pierced his ear, or nipple, or... would you cut him off?

Is this really that horrible? Will it prevent him from living a fulfilling life? Will it prevent him from finding gainful employment?

Really, you think he defaced himself, but there are worse things.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it a swastika or something? Unless the tattoo itself is terrible and offensive I can't imagine trying to keep my kid from graduating college over it. Are you trying to force him into the "underclass" to fulfill your stereotype?

And what does it solve to set him up to drop out of college only to come back to the "always a place at our table and bed waiting for him" at your house? This is a crazy mixed message. "You got a tattoo so you're responsible for your own college funding now ... when you drop out you can live rent free with Mummy and Daddy!"

[Anonymous]

OP, how will you feel if the response to you cutting off financial support over the tattoo is to cut you off entirely? Or turn into twice-a-year phone calls? You cutting off needed financial support with no notice because of a choice he made about his own body that affects no one but him is going to hurt your relationship with him. Will you feel like the tattoo was worthy of the estrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my 19 YO DS has spent much of the summer in summer courses so he can graduate on time, but came home for two weeks on Sunday for the break between summer and fall classes.

He surprised us by telling us he got a tattoo a week ago. Which was completely unexpected - he never told us he was considering it or even really expressed interest in trying (outside a phase back when he was 16).

He knows me and DH don't like tattoos. They are the destruction of the human body that will, outside expensive laser removal, fixtures on the body. They also Mark a person, fairly or unfairly, as a part of the underclass, mostly associated with drugs, alcohol, and living a risky lifestyle I think most parents hope their kids never have to deal with.

I know that isn't my son - he is a smart, highly capable young man who has excelled in both school and work environments. But I just think he got wrapped up in the excitement (apparently him and several friends went and got tattoos together so I think it was just peer pressure).

At this point both me and DH are angry and hurt - DS knew our views on this well. Which is probably why he didn't tell us he was considering this action.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. My view is to stop supporting him (we pay for part of tuition + rent him an apartment off campus. I would offer to pay for room + board in official school housing, as I've always believed it was our duty as parents to provide food and housing for our kids if they can't do so themselves, but in my opinion if he sees himself as mature enough to desecrate his body, he is old enough to be responsible for his own education and spending money (which he already funds). If he can't afford school, or is unwilling to take out loans to cover his education, he knows there will always be a place at our table and a bed waiting for him at home. But I am not comfortable or in a position to pay for an apartment with "friends" who would suggest he get a tattoo.

DH thinks I'm being too harsh, but I just think DS knew what our response would be and should have considered that before getting the tattoo without even mentioning it to us.

I have a problem with the bolded. So you'd rather cancel his education so that he can come home and do nothing? Not a good plan.

Tell him you are disappointed. No more than a sentence or two. Tell him your concerns about his friends. But HE did this. Not his friends. Then let him make his own choices.

You can tell him this is serious enough that you were feeling like pulling the financial plug. So he knows that may be on the horizon. But don't choose the nuclear option now.

PS I hate tattoos too but at 19, he's not under your thumb anymore and the tattoo probably represents that for him.