19 YO son came home with a tattoo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a fan of tattoos myself, but I think you should really reconsider your position here. Do you really want to lose your relationship with him over a tattoo?

Np, if it was my kid I would be done. He would never be welcome in my home again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my 19 YO DS has spent much of the summer in summer courses so he can graduate on time, but came home for two weeks on Sunday for the break between summer and fall classes.

He surprised us by telling us he got a tattoo a week ago. Which was completely unexpected - he never told us he was considering it or even really expressed interest in trying (outside a phase back when he was 16).

He knows me and DH don't like tattoos. They are the destruction of the human body that will, outside expensive laser removal, fixtures on the body. They also Mark a person, fairly or unfairly, as a part of the underclass, mostly associated with drugs, alcohol, and living a risky lifestyle I think most parents hope their kids never have to deal with.

I know that isn't my son - he is a smart, highly capable young man who has excelled in both school and work environments. But I just think he got wrapped up in the excitement (apparently him and several friends went and got tattoos together so I think it was just peer pressure).

At this point both me and DH are angry and hurt - DS knew our views on this well. Which is probably why he didn't tell us he was considering this action.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. My view is to stop supporting him (we pay for part of tuition + rent him an apartment off campus. I would offer to pay for room + board in official school housing, as I've always believed it was our duty as parents to provide food and housing for our kids if they can't do so themselves, but in my opinion if he sees himself as mature enough to desecrate his body, he is old enough to be responsible for his own education and spending money (which he already funds). If he can't afford school, or is unwilling to take out loans to cover his education, he knows there will always be a place at our table and a bed waiting for him at home. But I am not comfortable or in a position to pay for an apartment with "friends" who would suggest he get a tattoo.

DH thinks I'm being too harsh, but I just think DS knew what our response would be and should have considered that before getting the tattoo without even mentioning it to us.

Not sure how I would feel if my kid got a tattoo without talking to me about it so you're within your rights to be annoyed. But - the bolded part? - Seriously? Lots of educated, well-to-do people have tattoos, including my husband and my kid, one of whom doesn't drink alcohol or do drugs and the other who partakes a little. (Me, I don't care for tattoos on my body.) Yes, I would agree that he went against your rules so you need to respond but I think your proposal to punish him this way is waaaaay overreacting. And it will probably result in him distancing himself from you and leaving home as soon as he can. Are you sure you want that?

OP said tattoo-havers are marked, "fairly or unfairly," as members of the underclass. It's just super that your tattooed husband and son are not life losers or drug addicts, but that doesn't relate in any to OP's statement. Which was correct, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a fan of tattoos myself, but I think you should really reconsider your position here. Do you really want to lose your relationship with him over a tattoo?

Np, if it was my kid I would be done. He would never be welcome in my home again.

If I were your kid, I might just get one to ensure that would happen.

[Anonymous]

He is rebelling. It's was a mistake for sure. Just take a breath and let him know you think it was a mistake, but don't disown him because he has the 'mark of the underclass" on his body.

[Anonymous]

OP your reasoning is a bit confusing to me. You want to stop paying for his tuition to school because he got a tattoo? You're worried about him being viewed a certain way "classless" yet you want to take away (his education) something that could actually harm his future??? Depending on where his tattoo is I really don't think it will effect him in the way you think. I do not have a tattoo personally it's not something I would do. My siblings do and one sibling works in finance brokering million dollar deals, one works in sales for a major corporation and receives bonuses higher than the cost of most people's homes. My sil has a tattoo, she's a CPA. So no tattoos didn't harm their future successes at all but I know what would have... Them not going to school and finishing their degrees!

[Anonymous]

I'm laughing at all the anti-tattoo posters who would throw their kids out over a little ink. First, you are horrible parents. A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional. There is nothing my children could ever do that would cause me to cut them off. Second, it's laughably obviously that you have young children. My oldest is 27. I have five adult children. All are relatively successful happy kids. A tattoo is just about the least important issue you may deal with when parenting teens and young adults.

I hate tattoos. My kids know that. Two of the five have ink. It drives me nuts, but I've learned to let it go. They love to give me a hard time about it in a good-natured kind of way. I have never said a negative word about the tattoos, but they know I don't like them. I would suggest you think carefully about the decision to permanently damage your relationship with your children over some ink on their skin.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't this a question posed to Carolyn Hax a few months ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my 19 YO DS has spent much of the summer in summer courses so he can graduate on time, but came home for two weeks on Sunday for the break between summer and fall classes.

He surprised us by telling us he got a tattoo a week ago. Which was completely unexpected - he never told us he was considering it or even really expressed interest in trying (outside a phase back when he was 16).

He knows me and DH don't like tattoos. They are the destruction of the human body that will, outside expensive laser removal, fixtures on the body. They also Mark a person, fairly or unfairly, as a part of the underclass, mostly associated with drugs, alcohol, and living a risky lifestyle I think most parents hope their kids never have to deal with.

I know that isn't my son - he is a smart, highly capable young man who has excelled in both school and work environments. But I just think he got wrapped up in the excitement (apparently him and several friends went and got tattoos together so I think it was just peer pressure).

At this point both me and DH are angry and hurt - DS knew our views on this well. Which is probably why he didn't tell us he was considering this action.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. My view is to stop supporting him (we pay for part of tuition + rent him an apartment off campus. I would offer to pay for room + board in official school housing, as I've always believed it was our duty as parents to provide food and housing for our kids if they can't do so themselves, but in my opinion if he sees himself as mature enough to desecrate his body, he is old enough to be responsible for his own education and spending money (which he already funds). If he can't afford school, or is unwilling to take out loans to cover his education, he knows there will always be a place at our table and a bed waiting for him at home. But I am not comfortable or in a position to pay for an apartment with "friends" who would suggest he get a tattoo.

DH thinks I'm being too harsh, but I just think DS knew what our response would be and should have considered that before getting the tattoo without even mentioning it to us.

Well the consensus pretty much seems to be that you're being too harsh.
But it's your kid lady so you handle it however you wish - if you wanna stop supporting his education knock yourself out.
I'm sure we all look forward to your next post in 6mths about how frustrated you are with the kid living in your basement who's not doing anything with his life and holds nothing but contempt for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are off your rocker.

Also, your grammar offends me far more than any tattoo.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my 19 YO DS has spent much of the summer in summer courses so he can graduate on time, but came home for two weeks on Sunday for the break between summer and fall classes.

He surprised us by telling us he got a tattoo a week ago. Which was completely unexpected - he never told us he was considering it or even really expressed interest in trying (outside a phase back when he was 16).

He knows me and DH don't like tattoos. They are the destruction of the human body that will, outside expensive laser removal, fixtures on the body. They also Mark a person, fairly or unfairly, as a part of the underclass, mostly associated with drugs, alcohol, and living a risky lifestyle I think most parents hope their kids never have to deal with.

I know that isn't my son - he is a smart, highly capable young man who has excelled in both school and work environments. But I just think he got wrapped up in the excitement (apparently him and several friends went and got tattoos together so I think it was just peer pressure).

At this point both me and DH are angry and hurt - DS knew our views on this well. Which is probably why he didn't tell us he was considering this action.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. My view is to stop supporting him (we pay for part of tuition + rent him an apartment off campus. I would offer to pay for room + board in official school housing, as I've always believed it was our duty as parents to provide food and housing for our kids if they can't do so themselves, but in my opinion if he sees himself as mature enough to desecrate his body, he is old enough to be responsible for his own education and spending money (which he already funds). If he can't afford school, or is unwilling to take out loans to cover his education, he knows there will always be a place at our table and a bed waiting for him at home. But I am not comfortable or in a position to pay for an apartment with "friends" who would suggest he get a tattoo.

DH thinks I'm being too harsh, but I just think DS knew what our response would be and should have considered that before getting the tattoo without even mentioning it to us.

If it makes you feel any better, this isn't true with your son's generation. Many of my UMC (and above) students have tattoos, including the European (minor) aristocrat.

And I hate, hate, hate tattoos.

But they aren't a class marker with your son's generation.

[Anonymous]

Has OP come back? Because I'm seeing a shocking consensus, that whether or not you hate tattoos, OP's proposed course of action is crazed and counterproductive.

(me, I kind of like tattoos, see many of them around my office of government lawyers, and am considering getting one myself. but I'm trying to imagine what would make me cut a college kid off - Nazism? rape? failing her classes? following Nickelback around the country? - probably just the first three. But maybe if there was a Nickelback tattoo. . .)

[Anonymous]

You're being way too harsh, OP.

I get it as I hate tattoos and my kids know this. One has still said that once they are 18, they are getting a tattoo.

Even if my kid comes home with one at 18, I'm not going to withhold their education from them. I mean, what's that going to accomplish now anyway? It'll just hurt him further. It sounds like he paid for it with his own money since you said he earns money for the extras while at college.

Also, it sounds like he's more responsible than other 19 year olds since he took summer courses to still graduate on time. Many I know who need extra courses to graduate on time don't give up their summers to do so, they simply add an extra year on.

Punishing your adult child after the fact just seems petty.

Be mad at him all you want. Tell him, "I hate that tattoo" all you want. Even give him the silent treatment for a day or so, but don't screw with his educational situation. Consequences after the fact will just breed an environment in which he doesn't tell you or share with you anything that happens that he feels you'll be against.

Also, unless he got the tattoo on his face or neck, the chances of people in a professional setting even seeing it are slim. He'll be fine, but not if you pull the rug from under him so close to school starting back.

[Anonymous]

Lol. OP sounds like my mom! You are much more likely to make your son a part of the "underclass" by pulling financial support for his studies. Tattoos are very common amongst young professionals these days. I also personally know two federal judges, a law firm partner, a few doctors and nurses, a CPA, and numerous individuals working at hedge funds and investment banks that all have tattoos. And I'm not pro-tattoo nor do I or anyone in my immediate family have one. There's just no denying how common this has become. This is not the hill to die on, OP.

[Anonymous]

You are seriously overreacting. Wow.

[Anonymous]

If you're concerned about him looking like part of the "underclass", I fail to see how forcing him to drop out of college will further your goals.

Methinks you are just looking for any excuse to get him to move back home so he'll be under your thumb again.

Time to let the kid grow up. Maybe he'll learn decent grammar in college, since he clearly couldn't learn it at home.