Parents of kids with ADHD who have ADHD themselves - how do you manage?

[Anonymous]

I'm at my wit's end and could use some advice. I am a single mother to a 6 year old with ADHD. Kid is great but very emotional, quick to tears, strong opinions about everything, often inflexible. Kid lives with me 100% and I work FT. I also have ADHD and anxiety. I tried ADHD meds for myself and they helped but made the anxiety much worse so I am not currently taking anything for the ADHD. Kid was recently diagnosed and has not taken ADHD meds.

The daily grind is really wearing me out and I need to find a better way. Every day is a struggle and I am worn out. Kid resists and argues about every little thing so getting out the door in the morning is exhausting.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get some help with the ADHD and anxiety (for me.) But I could really use other suggestions on how to get through without every day feeling like a battle and wearing me out.

[Anonymous]

My poor dear, at least ONE of you has to be medicated! Pick one.

My husband and son, both of whom have ADHD, where at loggerheads for years until we decided to medicate my son, who had started to fail in school. My husband then consented to medication too, but takes them only rarely (he should take them daily, another source of tension). Their extremely difficult relationship was ruining the happiness of the whole family: husband had no patience for my son's ADHD-related quirks and was downright abusive.

So please go to a reputable psychiatrist and medicate one or both of you. For ADHD/anxiety combos, sometimes anxiety is treated first.

[Anonymous]

were, not where, sorry.

[Anonymous]

I have ADHD and depression. My psychiatrist put me on the antidepressant first-- stabilize the mood. Then I started the mess for ADHD.

Pick a few minutes each day to meditate with your kid. There are even apps for this. You can start at 30 seconds to a minute and go from there.

Time in with your kid. At least 15 minutes a day of uninterrupted time of her directing the activity.

Also declutter what and when you can. Clutter adds to the anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you both. I also have depression and am on meds for that already. I was trying to avoid ADHD meds for both of us but right now I am so frazzled I need to do something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you both. I also have depression and am on meds for that already. I was trying to avoid ADHD meds for both of us but right now I am so frazzled I need to do something!

If you decide to revisit ADHD meds, start with a very low dosage.

[Anonymous]

I also have anxiety and ADHD, and kids with ADHD and one with ASD and a husband who has ADHD but is in denial of need for medication.

I can't take the meds because I don't react well to any of them.

The best thing I have done is for me to manage my triggers and learn how to better manage the ADHD brain. I am part of a parent support group/ training program called ImpactADHD. It has really helped me get perspective on how to manage myself and help support my

Quick sanity tip- while husband was deployed I joined a gym with childcare and spent 30 minutes in the whirlpool tub/ shower at least twice a week. I bribed the kids with carry out pizza on the way home. I think it saved my sanity- it is just so draining to manage everything.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

First, cut yourself a break. Especially if you have anxiety, you need to do this. If you are a few minutes late for something, it is not the end of the world. Try to do things that avoid that, of course, but once you're in that situation, it only makes it worse to beat yourself up about it. You've got a tough row to hoe, so you just need to keep reminding yourself that you don't need to be perfect.

Second, figure out where you can build in structure to help you. I use a timer on my phone to remind me to go home on time from work. Otherwise I get caught up and forget. I keep a running to-do list on my iphone. I can check it whenever I have a spare minute, so it helps me not to forget things and it's usually there when I have that random "Oh I need to ...." thought. Definitely put everything on your electronic calendar, with reminders and warning bells. Check your calendar first thing when you get up. Check it periodically throughout the day. If you're waiting in line, stuck on metro, whatever -- check your calendar for today and the next couple of days, and check your to-do list. Consider something like a big dry erase board for visual reminders (shopping list, daily or weekly schedule, etc) for both you and your son. Make checklists for him so he can take ownership over whatever he is able to (like getting ready in the morning). Establish routines that are just short of OCD level -- for instance, I try to never leave a place without doing my "rule of 3 check" -- do I have my phone, wallet, keys? Yup, okay. I can go. Your son may need his own "rule of 3" -- lunch box, backpack. water bottle or whatever. Routines are key for us.

Figure out what your priorities are and focus on those. For me, it was essential that my child get a health, hearty breakfast every morning, good snacks and a healthy dinner every night. So even if we were slipping on bedtime and skipping baths, I really try to make that happen. Other people may find that a precise bedtime every night is what is most important, and might compromise on dinner or whatever. But just know that it's likely that on any given day, you might have to deviate from ideal in some way, so try to triage what you think is most important for both of you to function.

Also, I don't know how severe your son's ADHD is, but we started medicating right around 6, and I now don't know how we survived before then. When I look back, it was just awful how chaotic he made everything around him. We worked with a psychiatrist that started with an extremely low dose and we moved up from there, but even the very low dose eliminated some of the behavior that was causing us the most stress.


FInally (and maybe this should be first), make sure you're using the right behavioral modification and parenting approaches. There are lots of books and classes out there. These things are definitely not a "cure all" with kids with ADHD -- you can do them all perfectly and still not get the behavior you want. But if you're not using these techniques, you're really up a creek with no paddle. (I guess the paddle metaphor is good because even with the paddle, you're not guaranteed to get where you're going anytime fast if the current is against you....but without the paddle, it's even less likely you'll get there.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have anxiety and ADHD, and kids with ADHD and one with ASD and a husband who has ADHD but is in denial of need for medication.

I can't take the meds because I don't react well to any of them.

The best thing I have done is for me to manage my triggers and learn how to better manage the ADHD brain. I am part of a parent support group/ training program called ImpactADHD. It has really helped me get perspective on how to manage myself and help support my

Quick sanity tip- while husband was deployed I joined a gym with childcare and spent 30 minutes in the whirlpool tub/ shower at least twice a week. I bribed the kids with carry out pizza on the way home. I think it saved my sanity- it is just so draining to manage everything.

Hang in there!

If you joined the gym just to get some peaceful time in the shower and whirlpool, you might be my best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have anxiety and ADHD, and kids with ADHD and one with ASD and a husband who has ADHD but is in denial of need for medication.

I can't take the meds because I don't react well to any of them.

The best thing I have done is for me to manage my triggers and learn how to better manage the ADHD brain. I am part of a parent support group/ training program called ImpactADHD. It has really helped me get perspective on how to manage myself and help support my

Quick sanity tip- while husband was deployed I joined a gym with childcare and spent 30 minutes in the whirlpool tub/ shower at least twice a week. I bribed the kids with carry out pizza on the way home. I think it saved my sanity- it is just so draining to manage everything.

Hang in there!

If you joined the gym just to get some peaceful time in the shower and whirlpool, you might be my best friend.

NP here. I love this idea. I have a gym membership I don't use. Don't currently have the childcare option because that was more than twice as much / month but maybe I'll revisit that. I really want to get back into going regularly but I'm so tapped out.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 ADHD people in my house and anxiety too.

Treat your ADHD and anxiety with meds. Keep going until you find the key. My anxiety gets worse when my ADHD is untreated. Try a non stimulant or Wellbutrin.

Get meds for your kid.

CBT for anxiety helps me tremendously.

Exercise. Sleep. Avoid alcohol and coffee. Meditate everyday.

Write a list every morning. Prioritize your tasks. Give yourself a break when you can't manage it all.

[Anonymous]

Get everything EVERYTHING! ready for the next day before bed. This includes socks, shoes, a plan for breakfast, lunches packed. Make it as if you could get up and walk right out of the door to work/school. No matter how tired you are. You will be more frazzled the next morning.

[Anonymous]

OP here is no way to do it without medication.

[Anonymous]

Meds for the kid. It made such a difference with my ADHD DH and ADHD DC.

Streamline your life. Declutter if you can, and be patient with yourself. As a person with ADHD, you know this is already hard for you. That's ok. Do your best. Have your DC streamline as well. The more simplified life is, the easier it is for my DH and DC.

Take a break when you need one. It's ok if you just can't deal with something right then. Your kid's not getting homework done because he's spinning out? That's fine. Your sanity and his is more important than homework. When things are calmer, if you can, figure out what went wrong so you can address it. I had to learn that my kid could only do homework in chunks. Even in middle school, after 15 minutes DC really needed to step away and wiggle even if only for a minute or two.

My DH steps away when he needs to. He has the luxury of handing off to me, but most of the time when he needs a break it's not life threatening. The kid can't decide on shoes for the upcoming school year? No biggie. Walk away. We'll sort out shoes later. Or not - no one's going to die if they're wearing old holey shoes.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it your DC's behavior that's the hardest right now? Or keeping up with life and obligations? Is it that you're feeling overwhelmed and drowning?

For the first, maybe parenting classes or books, working with a family psychologist/therapist, prioritizing things that matter and ignoring things that don't, exploring meds for child.

If it's the second, then working with an organizational coach for you, exploring ADHD meds for you.

For the last, therapy for you, exploring techniques to manage stress, exploring anxiety meds for you.

And of course any combination of the above since any one can lead to another. When I'm overly stressed/anxious, I take it out on my kids and things spiral out of control there.