Husband extremely depressed; I am postpartum. Help!

[Anonymous]

We had our second baby a few months ago. Our first is almost 4. My husband is now going through a depression. It is hard for me to tell how deep, because on the one hand he occasionally has thoughts of giving up, feeling suicidal, being very hard on himself, and on the other hand he is still fairly functional, laughing, joking, interested in things, etc. It's a bit of a roller coaster.

In any case, I have called in the support of his family, he has a therapist, and is going to see a psychiatrist soon. The problem is that in the course of this depression he has become extremely irritable and sensitive. He says mean things to me when he is triggered, he hashes and rehashes my actions and words, he is very critical. Every time I say anything that rubs him the wrong way he tells me that I am not helping him in his depression. He has a lot of pain inside, and I get that. It comes out in ways that are hurtful to me and our marriage.

With a preschooler, a still EBF baby, and a full time job, this is so much pressure for me. I don't know what to do. I don't have much support either. My parents are sort of emotionally handicapped, my sister is very busy with her own family, my best friend lives in another country, we just moved to this city a few years ago and due to working + young children we have some community but not close close friends to call on and unload. I know I could see a therapist, and I might, but on a day to day basis I just don't know how to cope with this.

I went through PPD/PPA with our first. It was pretty bad. My husband was not very sympathetic. He did a lot in terms of actions (taking over the care of the baby in the mornings so I could sleep, cooking, etc.) but he did not try to get me help for my depression nor did it seem to register to him that I needed help. I went through a year of hell and basically pulled myself out of it because I didn't want to leave my child without a mother. That was the only thing that kept me going on the worst days. I don't fault him for his lack of support and recognition -- he was probably overwhelmed and just fighting to survive as well. I am concerned that mine could recur in this situation although I've tried very hard to prioritize my health and sanity and so far have not had to deal with the symptoms I had after my first. I don't want my heart to be burdened with anger and anxiety, I don't want to be unable to sleep from worry and the hurtful things he's said... I really need to take care of my kids, I'm worried for them too because what if he doesn't pull through this and I have to be a single parent?

Any suggestions and tips for coping would be very welcome. Oh, and we're on our third childcare search this year. First nanny got divorced and move. Second one, her dad became suicidal. So right now we're patching it together with part time childcare and trying to stay afloat. Please tell me, what do I do in this situation besides 1) focus on the nanny search and 2) try to be there for my kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. My only advice is to outsource as much as possible. Do whatever you can afford.
--Order groceries online to be delivered.
--Drop off laundry to be washed.
--Get someone to clean house every other week or every week.
--set up a regular schedule for meals so no one has to think much as in every Mon is pasta, Tues is chicken & rice, Wed is tacos...etc

Be okay with preschooler having some extra tv or screen time. Be kind to yourself. At a minimum, stay connected here as you seek support.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading quickly as I don't have lots of time - but re: men and depression, it often manifests as irritability. So he shouldn't be an asshole - but he still is, so it might help to develop an inner voice that you repeat to yourself "this is the depression talking - this is not my husband"

I've found that helps me react less and internalize less as well.

Are you seeing someone? What about just calling your OB and asking about starting some medication to help you get through it. You gotta put your oxygen mask on FIRST.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had our second baby a few months ago. Our first is almost 4. My husband is now going through a depression. It is hard for me to tell how deep, because on the one hand he occasionally has thoughts of giving up, feeling suicidal, being very hard on himself, and on the other hand he is still fairly functional, laughing, joking, interested in things, etc. It's a bit of a roller coaster.

In any case, I have called in the support of his family, he has a therapist, and is going to see a psychiatrist soon. The problem is that in the course of this depression he has become extremely irritable and sensitive. He says mean things to me when he is triggered, he hashes and rehashes my actions and words, he is very critical. Every time I say anything that rubs him the wrong way he tells me that I am not helping him in his depression. He has a lot of pain inside, and I get that. It comes out in ways that are hurtful to me and our marriage.

With a preschooler, a still EBF baby, and a full time job, this is so much pressure for me. I don't know what to do. I don't have much support either. My parents are sort of emotionally handicapped, my sister is very busy with her own family, my best friend lives in another country, we just moved to this city a few years ago and due to working + young children we have some community but not close close friends to call on and unload. I know I could see a therapist, and I might, but on a day to day basis I just don't know how to cope with this.

I went through PPD/PPA with our first. It was pretty bad. My husband was not very sympathetic. He did a lot in terms of actions (taking over the care of the baby in the mornings so I could sleep, cooking, etc.) but he did not try to get me help for my depression nor did it seem to register to him that I needed help. I went through a year of hell and basically pulled myself out of it because I didn't want to leave my child without a mother. That was the only thing that kept me going on the worst days. I don't fault him for his lack of support and recognition -- he was probably overwhelmed and just fighting to survive as well. I am concerned that mine could recur in this situation although I've tried very hard to prioritize my health and sanity and so far have not had to deal with the symptoms I had after my first. I don't want my heart to be burdened with anger and anxiety, I don't want to be unable to sleep from worry and the hurtful things he's said... I really need to take care of my kids, I'm worried for them too because what if he doesn't pull through this and I have to be a single parent?

Any suggestions and tips for coping would be very welcome. Oh, and we're on our third childcare search this year. First nanny got divorced and move. Second one, her dad became suicidal. So right now we're patching it together with part time childcare and trying to stay afloat. Please tell me, what do I do in this situation besides 1) focus on the nanny search and 2) try to be there for my kids?

It sounds like he did the most important things, which were to keep life going as much as possible. We live in a country that barely acknowledges mental health besides marketing an endless array of medications, and few people know how to help other people with clinical depression; that's why we have medical and psychological professionals who are paid to do so.

Regarding your current circumstances, I'm sure he was worried about you not pulling through when you were in the midst of your troubles too. Do what he did--take care of the most important things. Beyond that, talk with him about what is and isn't acceptable, and stick to it. Being upset is acceptable; calling you a XXXX is not. If he continues to lash out, don't reinforce it by telling him how upset he is, because he's doing so at least partially for your attention. Reward what you want to see, and ignore what you don't. Easier said than done, but your getting depressed over how he's treating you won't make things any better.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry. My god you are going through a lot. I have a 10 week old and a fully supportive husband and it's still kicking my ass. You are a rock star for even functioning right now.

Re: what to do. I would definitely focus efforts on finding childcare. That will be a huge burden lifted once it's taken care of.

I would also consider prioritizing seeing a therapist. You are dealing with A LOT. I remember when I was suffering from anxiety, just knowing I had a safe space once a week was enough to help me through.

Hang in there OP. I wish I knew you so I could help you out. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I would encourage you to see a therapist so you do have someone to talk to.

When my DH is being irritable and mean, I imagine his angry comments are like a ball coming at me, and I imagine myself pushing it back to him instead of absorbing it, while I breathe out. If I don't accept his anger it isn't mine to be hurt by. That's the best daily coping mechanism I've found.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading quickly as I don't have lots of time - but re: men and depression, it often manifests as irritability. So he shouldn't be an asshole - but he still is, so it might help to develop an inner voice that you repeat to yourself "this is the depression talking - this is not my husband"

I've found that helps me react less and internalize less as well.

Are you seeing someone? What about just calling your OB and asking about starting some medication to help you get through it. You gotta put your oxygen mask on FIRST.

Hugs.

Do everything you can to make your life easier and to mitigate issues that you can. Support him where you can but don't let him have carte blanche. Seek out a support group for spouses or a therapist. Best of luck. ::hugs::

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the empathy, somehow it helps a lot. Also for the suggestions about how to cope with his anger. PP, I'll be thinking of you when I repeat "this is the depression talking... and PP2, thanks for the tip about the ball. I tried it out in my mind and somehow it works!

I am realizing that part of my struggle with this is that my father was depressed and abusive towards my mother and us, who also then became depressed and could not really push back. So I have difficulty in knowing how to set healthy boundaries. I either overreact, not wanting to be the victim like my mother, or I don't know how to protect myself and end up feeling overwhelmed. In this situation it feels tricky, because saying something hurtful or shutting down his feelings might trigger his depression even further.

I am going to talk to him about whether he will be open to seeing a marriage therapist to support us, so that we can get through this as best we can without hurting the kids.

Thanks again for the support and the tips. Helps so much.

[Anonymous]

OP i have no advice as I've never been in this situation but I want to say my heart goes out to you. You sound like a great mom and I am sending you good wishes and hope that better days are around the corner.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about him, worry about yourself right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you work full time, why are you "patching it together with part-time childcare"? Look for a spot in a daycare center for both kids. You won't have to deal with nannies, which are a single point of failure system as you have experienced. Then once your family is feeling better, you can get a nanny if that's what you'd like. You can also keep looking for a nanny while your kids are in daycare, the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Second, it sounds like your husband is a good guy. He took care of the first kid so you could sleep and he cooked. What else would you have liked him to do?
It also seems like you are expecting the wrong kind of support. Your friends and family aren't there for you to unload on. My sister was very helpful at helping me determine criteria when I needed to talk to a councelor. She was also very helpful at getting me to realize that talking to someone would be a good idea. Beyond that, it wasn't her responsibility to be my therapist. Our parents generation doesn't really grasp postpardum issues, which doesn't mean that what they have to say is all wrong.
As for your husband, his mental health needs to be the priority. If he won't view it in the same way that he'd view a physical illness, then you need to decide if this is what you want to live with. He may need you to help in much the same way people need help with physical illnesses. Part of me is wondering if your husband's depression is his way of protecting himself. You got depressed after the first baby, and you still even with the perspective of time and distance can't see that he did indeed help you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you want a nanny. But get them in a full-time daycare program. Because -- they are always there. one person being sick or married or divorced doesn't end your childcare.

Your kids will be OK. Even if it isn't what you want long term, do it for your own sake.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. My DH dealt with depression during my postpartum period and did the same thing to me. I remember coming home from the doctor's office with a prescription for anti-depressants and him saying, "You aren't depressed, you're just selfish, and can't handle being a mom." It's very hopeful that he is getting help. My DH and I improved as the stress in our lives lifted, however there wasn't a noticeable different in the way he treated me until he got on anti-depressants. If you can squeeze it in, it's worth the time and effort to start seeing a therapist yourself. As much I hate saying this, try not to start fights. But at the same time, recognize that IT'S NOT YOU and oftentimes no matter how nicely you say something he will hear it differently. Accept help from friends and family. Hang in there, it will get better once the baby stress lifts. Lots of hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. I dont have much advice but a lot of sympathy. this is such a hard time anyway and you're under a ton of pressure.

Are you in DC proper? I can check to see if our former nanny is looking for anything--she essentially saved our sanity when our kids were little. She is the most amazing person, reliable, loving, honest, does 200%, etc. She's in the silver spring area and worked for us in NW DC.

on another note, i hope that your husband can start medication soon and that it helps. I am not sure of the anti-depressant/breastfeeding connection, but maybe it will help you too.

Try to hold the little ones tight and remember that it does get better. DH and I fought ALL THE TIME when we had our second and there were times I hated him so much. Things are pretty great now....but it took a while to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you work full time, why are you "patching it together with part-time childcare"? Look for a spot in a daycare center for both kids. You won't have to deal with nannies, which are a single point of failure system as you have experienced. Then once your family is feeling better, you can get a nanny if that's what you'd like. You can also keep looking for a nanny while your kids are in daycare, the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Second, it sounds like your husband is a good guy. He took care of the first kid so you could sleep and he cooked. What else would you have liked him to do?
It also seems like you are expecting the wrong kind of support. Your friends and family aren't there for you to unload on. My sister was very helpful at helping me determine criteria when I needed to talk to a councelor. She was also very helpful at getting me to realize that talking to someone would be a good idea. Beyond that, it wasn't her responsibility to be my therapist. Our parents generation doesn't really grasp postpardum issues, which doesn't mean that what they have to say is all wrong.
As for your husband, his mental health needs to be the priority. If he won't view it in the same way that he'd view a physical illness, then you need to decide if this is what you want to live with. He may need you to help in much the same way people need help with physical illnesses. Part of me is wondering if your husband's depression is his way of protecting himself. You got depressed after the first baby, and you still even with the perspective of time and distance can't see that he did indeed help you.

Recognize that I needed professional help, because I had trouble getting that in my state, and not tell me to go ahead when I told him I had suicidal thoughts? As I said, he was practically helpful. I'm not sure why you seem to have so much invested in telling me what is going through his head and heart. It sounds like maybe you are a man whose wife was depressed and you have issues about it. As for friends, I'm there for my close ones to confide in and it is a great gift. Just don't have close friends in town, which makes a difference.