Visiting parents in another state, change in viewpoints

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We live in the city where we met which is about 8 hours away from my parents and siblings. When we met, I had pulled away from my family a bit for my own emotional health. My parents marriage (if you could call it that) was not great and my siblings are all quite a bit younger than I am (the youngest is 18 years younger and was a 'bandaid baby).
I never thought I would want to live closer to them as i really hated visiting them back then.
Well fast forward 9 years, I now have 2 kids, my siblings are all in their 20's now so we have things in common like kids, husbands etc. and my parents are divorced (SOOOOOO much nicer and NO conflict/guilt etc).
I have been wanting to visit more frequently and have even suggested we move a bit closer. DH does NOT want to move at all so I have been pushing for more visits. He HATES the drive and keeps throwing back that I said I didn't like to visit them. I have explained that cirucumstances have changed and things are SOOOO much nicer now (he agrees it is so much nicer too) but he keeps digging in his heals. I have offered to just take the kids and them and I will go but he says it is too far to drag the kids more than 1x per year.

WTF?

I feel trapped because, yes, I DID say I hated visiting but SOO much has changed (I never thought my parents would get divorced as they are too stubborn to change or admit anything) but they did! Any everyone is so much happier. I love my 4 sisters and want to have a stronger relationship with them but seeing them 1x per year won't do that. They all do come visit 1x per year too so that helps.
It doesn't help that my entire immediate family and extended family all live withing 2 hours of eachother and I am the odd man out now.

Anyway, what do you guys think. Am I being unreasonable to want to see my family more than 1x per year. I was thinking and offered 2-3 times per year for a few days (long week, or one long session like7-9 days). DH wants 3-4 days max one time per year.

i want my kids to know my parents (DH live an hour away) as my parents have always been GREAT grandparents and love them so much and the kids love spending time with them.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children, OP? Seems odd your DH doesn't want you to travel with just the kids either.

[Anonymous]

you are unreasonable on the move though. Nowhere in your op do you mention job & school impacts on a move closer to your family. Plus, a move would take you farther from D's family.

Does your DH think this is just a stage and you will go back to disliking your family?

[Anonymous]

OP.
Our kids are 6 and 3.
We both have good jobs here, a nice house, good schools etc. It would be NICE to move for the lower cost of living but I am content where we are so long as we can visit more than what he is wanting to.
I think that is where my desire to move closer is coming from. IF we are closer it won't be such a long drive so maybe we can go more frequently.
I am not an impulsive person at all and would never move without due dilligence and only if he wanted to, which he doesn't so that is the end of that conversation.

However, he fails to see how 1x per year is not enough when we see his every other month and stop there on the way to my parents as well.

The bridges have been a long time coming to be mended with my family. This is not a case of "I hate you" now "I love you" overnight at all. The past 3 years have been the true turning point where the divorce was finalized and a new normal began and has been maintained. Like I said, my 4 sisters were all in highschool when I was out getting married so we were never that close. NOw that they are getting married and even having kids, we have so much more in common than me being 25 while they were 15 year old twins, a 12 year old and an 8 year old.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop trying to make rules like "we are going 3-4 times a year for this many days".

Is there a time coming up that works for you to visit? Great, plan a trip. Is time off from work a concern for you or DH? I could see this being my main issue with frequent trips. Going to your hometown would mean no time to do other vacations. If this isn't an issue, I'd stop looking for your DH's buy in and plan a trip. Invite him along, but tell him you're taking the kids to visit your family more than once a year.

If this is a constant issue, get to counseling.

[Anonymous]

OP.
I am not trying to make rules.
This came up when I said i would like to take the kids over Labor Day (we hadn't been back since November of 2016) and he said, why we were just there.
I said well it has been about 9 months and I would like to take them over hte long weekend. Offered that if he didn't want to go I could go alone. That is when he said it is too long for the kids and didn't think more than 1x per year was needed and asked how often i wanted to go back. I said 2-4 depending on how long we visit etc. and that is how this came about.
He had never stated before he did NOT want to visit and we have always just kind of went once per year due to my not wanting to go more but now that my views of my family have changed he is still not wanting to go more I see.

[Anonymous]

I think you're being very reasonable. I live on the opposite coast from my extended family, so I take the kids to visit twice a year. My husband joins us every third or fourth visit. I do have more leave than him, plus I can work remotely, so there's really no cost--other than the plane tickets--to us visiting. But I still think it's reasonable for you to visit your family more than once a year, and your husband needs to figure out how to be supportive.

(Actually, my kids and I are visiting my family right now, and my husband is on his own bachelor vacation, visiting a place I have no interest in, seeing childhood friends I don't know, and doing activities that would bore the rest of us. So maybe you can find an upside like that for your husband?)

[Anonymous]

My family lives in CA, so we have to fly to see them, and we do that more than once a year, so I don't think it's unreasonable that you'd want to visit your family more often. In order to move forward on this topic, you need to have an open conversation about it. Does your DH feel like this means he'll see his family less? Maybe HE doesn't care about that, but perhaps his parents said something to that effect. Or maybe he just doesn't like change, so this new normal will take a bit to get used to. Or perhaps he has a bad taste in his mouth from prior interactions with your family. You've seen the ins and outs of everything that's happened, but he hasn't, so he might not be fully aware of the changes that have taken place. Rather than going from 0-60 on this topic, which might be how it feels to him, start out by explaining the new situation and seeing how he feels about it. If he's not willing to be honest and actually tell you his thoughts, then he can act like a child and pout at home while you take the kids by yourself. But it's possible that there is something prompting his reaction that maybe he isn't even aware of, so you probably need to get that out on the table first.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think your DH just got used to the idea of visiting infrequently and the extra trips seem unnecessary to him. That really stinks but he also needs to value your relationships with your side of the family (and your kids' relationship with aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins if any). How often do you go see his side of the family? Granted they live closer, but still... Driving by yourself with 2 small kids on a long drive is challenging. But he needs to understand the importance of these visits for both you and the children.

[Anonymous]

Put on your big girl pants, put the kiddies in the car and tell DH you'll see him when you get back. See how that works? Jeez, what is your problem?

[Anonymous]

I'm curious about how they treated dh and how they treated you over the years. Did you not like visiting them because they treated you poorly or because it was chaotic?

My family is a mess. They're not bad people individually, but together, they can't get along and they're awful. Dh and I were talking about it recently, and was explaining how it's not that he ever fears anyone intentionally harming our children, but he worries through their bad choices the children will become collateral damage. Like if they have to witness a bad argument between my parents. He said that's why he doesn't like the kids to visit often. They're my family and I see when they change and do better. I see the good intentions. He sees history as a predictor for future behavior.

[Anonymous]

So when your DH said "we were just there" did you say something like "what do you mean 'just' there? this will be 10 months between trips. I don't think seeing my family more than once a year is a lot to ask..."

Then let the silence hang for a minute.

[Anonymous]

OP.
My family has always treated him with respect and really likes him. My issues with my family aren't from abuse or mistreatment but rather from my childhood feeling neglected and basically raised by my paternal grandparents for a year. My parents marriage issues always weighed heavily on me as i knew how disfunctional they were but always tried to 'put on a good face' and pretended like nothing was ever wrong whenever company was around or we visited. I hated the fakeness and it gave me anxiety when I used to visit.
The past 5 years (since they seperated) have been soo much better. DH even said a few years ago I was much more relaxed and was anxious preceding the visit.
He states he enjoys my family and has always gotten along with everyone, he shares a lot of the same interests as my family and has never once complained about a visit or tried to limit family time. I think it may be because he thought 'what is only 1x per year' but now that I would like to see them a bit more he is pushing the breaks.
My issue is that he acts like nothing can change ever. He likes to throw back what i said 9 years ago about visiting and still tries to act like that applies today when it clearly does not. He has been there the entire time as my family life has gotten more stable and has seen how much happier everyone is. I really don't get it and he can only articualte it by saying he thinks visiting 1x per year is enough.

We see his family about every other month and always stop there for a day or night on the way to my parents to break up the trip a bit.
I do plan to take the kids on my own but just feel like he is being really unfair trying to say I shouldn't do that a couple times a year. It is really making me look at him differently and feel like he is taking away a huge part of my and our children's family.
Also, to compound it, my grandma (who raised me for a bit as a child) is aging and not able to travel so the only way for her to see me or the kids is if we visit and 1x per year is not much when that leaves her only with a few hours because we are so busy seeing everyone else.

[Anonymous]

You are not unreasonable. Your husband is being unreasonable. He thinks 3 to 4 days once per year is sufficient? Yet you see his family every 2 months? Has your husband always been selfish and only thinks about how he is effected* (with regard to anything)?

*His statement that the 8 hour ride is too much for the children is an excuse so he can continue to get his way. One visit per 12 months.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

What everyone else has said--and no more spending a day at his parents coming or going. You can do eight hours in a day.

Just do the trip without stopping and have more time when you go.