Visiting parents in another state, change in viewpoints

[Anonymous]

How much time do you spend with his family?

Can you spend some time with them alone or with your kids withour DH?

[Anonymous]

I think your husband is being a jerk. You need to stand up for yourself! You are a grown woman you don't need his permission to visit your family. This is infuriating! I guarentee he doesn't get your permission to visit his. What an ass!

[Anonymous]

You aren't being unreasonable. Your husband is being difficult.

[Anonymous]

Op.
Thanks everyone. I am planning a trip in September with or without him. I appreciate feedback as he was making me feel like I was crazy for wanting to visit a bit more.
We drive up to his parents about 5 times per year maybe more, not including special events like weddings or reunions etc.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you fly there with the kids? Wouldn't that be easier?

[Anonymous]

Op, it sounds like you exaggerate and view things in extremes. There is no reason to be "all in" now, to the extent you describe. Try to moderate your reactions, expectations, especially your expectations of others ... everything in moderation ought to be your mantra. You'll have a calmer life with less drama.

[Anonymous]

Does your family stay home for the big holidays? Or are they spent with his family also?

[Anonymous]

Op.
I am not all in now, not sure what that means. This has been over 3 years in the making of my family becoming functional and closer and being around then enjoyable for me without the anxiety. If you are talking about me suggesting we move closer, it was a discussion we had years ago before kids about moving closer to his family and by consequence, mine. We opted not to at the time but I suggested recently, he said no and I understand why.
That is not my issue here if you read my posts.


We celebrate Christmas every other year with each side. Last year due to a surgery for my dad we went in November and celebrated early.

[Anonymous]

Just go. that is not very far. I drive that regularly to go see my family with just my 3 and 7 year old. DH comes probably one time in three.

Just say "I'd like to take the kids to visit my parents in September. we'd love to have you but totally fine if you want to stay here, I'm good to go with the kids. would the weekend of the (dates) work or do we have anything scheduled?"

Don't make a big deal out of it or feel like frequent visits is something you have to commit to ahead of time. My visits have varied in frequency over the years depending on what is going on in life.

Also, maybe one of these summers you can start transitioning your kids to a week with your family, if your parents want that. My mom has been clamoring for it since they were toddlers, and I might send one early next year a week earlier than us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't being unreasonable. Your husband is being difficult.

This. Taking the kids by yourself is a reasonable compromise. He doesn't have a place to veto that one. I'd be pretty pissed if he tried.

[Anonymous]

This kind of change would be really bad for my relationship. I hope your relationship is good and this is the only problem.

[Anonymous]

Seriously your husband thinks it's okay for him to see his family 6x per year but you are only supposed to see yours once per year.

Screw him, wtf???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.
Our kids are 6 and 3.
We both have good jobs here, a nice house, good schools etc. It would be NICE to move for the lower cost of living but I am content where we are so long as we can visit more than what he is wanting to.
I think that is where my desire to move closer is coming from. IF we are closer it won't be such a long drive so maybe we can go more frequently.
I am not an impulsive person at all and would never move without due dilligence and only if he wanted to, which he doesn't so that is the end of that conversation.

However, he fails to see how 1x per year is not enough when we see his every other month and stop there on the way to my parents as well.

The bridges have been a long time coming to be mended with my family. This is not a case of "I hate you" now "I love you" overnight at all. The past 3 years have been the true turning point where the divorce was finalized and a new normal began and has been maintained. Like I said, my 4 sisters were all in highschool when I was out getting married so we were never that close. NOw that they are getting married and even having kids, we have so much more in common than me being 25 while they were 15 year old twins, a 12 year old and an 8 year old.

This is what you need to say to him. "I know I didn't used to want to visit my family that often, but circumstances have changed, and now I would like to see them more than once a year. Would you be okay only seeing your family once a year?"

[Anonymous]

Every year is a lot. He's right.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm one of the few who sides with your DH.

- Those people messed you up.
- He had to deal with that messed-up-ness.
- You assured him that you'd dramatically reduce contact with them.
- He stayed in the marriage, presumably supported you a lot over the years, decided to have children with you.
- Now you change your mind and want to introduce the dysfunction back into your lives.

And although you think things are so much better, from his perspective (or an impartial person), things could still be really dysfunctional. Coming from a starting position where you were raised for a time by your grandparents because your parents essentially weren't fit to raise you is a VERY low starting point. So even if things are dramatically better, it doesn't mean that they're the type of people he'd want the kids to spend a lot more time with.

So from his perspective, maybe he's worried about the impact that their dysfunction will have on you or the kids. Who knows, maybe he was planning to leave you way back because of all the issues with those people and you assured him that they wouldn't be a problem anymore. Maybe he wouldn't have had kids with someone if he knew that the grandparents would be in the picture a lot and those were the grandparents.

Plus of course he has no relationship with them, and he knows that the kids don't either, so there's not much to miss from his side.

You don't get to suddenly change the game 10 years into a marriage without serious pushback.