Found Marijuana In Kid's Room - Do I Tell My Ex?

[Anonymous]

I am a 52yo divorced dad and when cleaning my D15’s room, I found some marijuana and a small pipe cleverly hidden, but not so well that I didn’t stumble across it.

This was surprising to me for several reasons but I didn’t have a huge reaction and am not terribly worried about her. She has almost a 4.0 GPA and attends a high performing school where she is a star of the speech and debate team and hangs out with what I would call the bookworm crowd. Other than the fact that she is buried in her cell phone more than I’d like, and can get pretty mean and vicious when she’s upset, she’s a good kid and headed for a high achieving life (very college/academic minded).

I need to speak to her about it and am formulating what I will say but here is where I’d like some input;

Do I Tell Her Mother?

We are divorced and it was a pretty tough custody battle but we currently have 50/50 joint legal/physical.

One parent friend said I should talk to my daughter but keep her confidence by not telling her mother and handling it myself. Her mother may have a huge reaction as she is very emotionally reactive and spends a good deal of her parenting time yelling.

I can see the logic in this because D15 is mature for her age and on the precipice of being a young lady, but it is not my natural course of action because I believe in co-parenting. However, my ex definitely used our daughter as leverage and involved her in the divorce inappropriately which created some parental alienation which I am still working to undo. So it’s important to me that I continue to establish my own relationship with D15 and parent her my own way. Telling her mother may cause a huge reaction that won’t be commensurate with the issue at hand.

Side note - I also wouldn’t be surprised if my D15 denies it’s hers and my ex somehow accuses me and makes it all my fault, even though I’ve never had anything to do with weed. Thats how crazy the divorce got.

However I am strongly leaning toward telling her mother after I speak to her about it. The reason is that I would fully expect her mother to tell me if the tables were turned and would be angry if she didn’t. At the end of the day I think the best thing is to put aside personal anger and resentment (which I have plenty of) and co-parent our kid because it’s the right thing to do.

Thanks in advance for your inout and advice.

[Anonymous]

Take her goods and don't tell mom.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your daughter and ask her to tell her mom.

You should not tell her mom.

All parents with a 15 year old should assume they are smoking pot. The fact she has her own pipe is a little concerning because it means she smokes on a regular occasion.

[Anonymous]

Show your daughter what you found, and tell her that you don't want to make a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, but if you find evidence of it again, you'll have to tell her mom because it's an issue you'll have to address as co-parents. If your ex is that bad, the idea of mom finding out might be enough to scare your daughter out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her goods and don't tell mom.

OP here - I've heard that from more than one source, which was surprising. But I'm curious; do you propose that I just take the stash and not talk to her? Several friends have suggested that I just take it and not say anything, which is not in my parenting nature. I think a calm, understanding discussion is reasonable.

Thanks for the reply...

[Anonymous]

I am less concerned about the health issues associated with smoking pot and more concerned about entanglement with law enforcement. I would have a talk with DD about the possible consequences. Also, I do not want pot stored in any of my property, as the government can confiscate your property when you are accused of a drug related crime. Doa google search on "house seized small amount marajuana".

[Anonymous]

10:12 & 10:15 - Great ideas. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

15 wiundivorced parents can be tough and weed isn't the scary gateway drug the Regan's made it out to be. Talk to DD and see where her head is at. After talking to her if you feel it's not resolved then include mom. There's nothing wrong with handelig parenting delimias that are rather small on your own. If DD feels that her parents relationship worsens because of her action it may just drive her to need that mental escape even more. Keeping DD as a priority over the obligation to her mother would be my vote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take her goods and don't tell mom.

OP here - I've heard that from more than one source, which was surprising. But I'm curious; do you propose that I just take the stash and not talk to her? Several friends have suggested that I just take it and not say anything, which is not in my parenting nature. I think a calm, understanding discussion is reasonable.

Thanks for the reply...

Different poster, but I think that's a terrible idea, go with your approach instead. If you don't say anything, either she assumes she just lost it and it has no impact on her behavior, or she thinks you might have taken it and then becomes an anxious mess waiting for the other shoe to drop (and then when it doesn't, goes right back to what she was doing before). Don't be passive aggressive, model good adult behavior by addressing it with her calmly but firmly in whatever way you choose.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her like you would if you found alcohol - not legal and can't prevent it, but I am taking it. Tell her you won't talk to mom about it and its our secret, but don't bring it into my house again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her like you would if you found alcohol - not legal and can't prevent it, but I am taking it. Tell her you won't talk to mom about it and its our secret, but don't bring it into my house again.

This, though I would tell her it's "your secret". Never promise to keep secrets from the other parent. Just tell her that you won't discuss it with mom this time, but if it happens again, she will have to get involved.

[Anonymous]

So she'll just keep her stash at mom's house? I'd have a big talk with her and explain legal consequences for a minor. In DC, you can have it in your home if you are an adult.

[Anonymous]

No, you would want to know if it happened at mom's house. You talk to her and you both talk to mom together and make her tell mom while you are there. My husband's ex kept all that a secret. Kid is big time into drugs, 12 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you would want to know if it happened at mom's house. You talk to her and you both talk to mom together and make her tell mom while you are there. My husband's ex kept all that a secret. Kid is big time into drugs, 12 years later.

This. Important issues need to be addressed and known to both parents. You have a duty to tell her. I have a feeling you would want to know.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

The last 2 responses are interesting, but my concern is that a "family meeting" would make it more of an issue than it needs to be. Though I have suggested such a meeting previously to address some seriously disrespectful behavior to both my ex and me, it never happened.

Maybe the best thing is to talk to her, and have her tell her mom, which I will then follow up on with my ex. The problem is that D15 may manipulate and diminish the situation by telling her in a softened way.

Or maybe I ask my kid how she feels it should be handled both with regard to the weed and with her mother. I remember when my parents would say "What do you think should happen as a result of <incident/behavior>?" That was almost worse than a punishment.

Also, it's true that I would want to know and be furious if my ex didn't tell me.

I live on the west coast and attitudes out here are pretty lax about this stuff. I find DCUM forum to be an excellent resource for all things family and parent related.

Thanks again for all the input.