Found Marijuana In Kid's Room - Do I Tell My Ex?

[Anonymous]

I would take her stash and tell her mother about it.

Good grief. Your daughter spends part of her time over at her mom's house doesn't she? Don't you think that her mom should know that she is bringing pot home? You don't even know where she's getting it from. It could be from someone that she sees at her mom's house.

Work with your ex to present a united front to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 52yo divorced dad and when cleaning my D15’s room, I found some marijuana and a small pipe cleverly hidden, but not so well that I didn’t stumble across it.

This was surprising to me for several reasons but I didn’t have a huge reaction and am not terribly worried about her. She has almost a 4.0 GPA and attends a high performing school where she is a star of the speech and debate team and hangs out with what I would call the bookworm crowd. Other than the fact that she is buried in her cell phone more than I’d like, and can get pretty mean and vicious when she’s upset, she’s a good kid and headed for a high achieving life (very college/academic minded).

I need to speak to her about it and am formulating what I will say but here is where I’d like some input;

Do I Tell Her Mother?

We are divorced and it was a pretty tough custody battle but we currently have 50/50 joint legal/physical.

One parent friend said I should talk to my daughter but keep her confidence by not telling her mother and handling it myself. Her mother may have a huge reaction as she is very emotionally reactive and spends a good deal of her parenting time yelling.

I can see the logic in this because D15 is mature for her age and on the precipice of being a young lady, but it is not my natural course of action because I believe in co-parenting. However, my ex definitely used our daughter as leverage and involved her in the divorce inappropriately which created some parental alienation which I am still working to undo. So it’s important to me that I continue to establish my own relationship with D15 and parent her my own way. Telling her mother may cause a huge reaction that won’t be commensurate with the issue at hand.

Side note - I also wouldn’t be surprised if my D15 denies it’s hers and my ex somehow accuses me and makes it all my fault, even though I’ve never had anything to do with weed. Thats how crazy the divorce got.

However I am strongly leaning toward telling her mother after I speak to her about it. The reason is that I would fully expect her mother to tell me if the tables were turned and would be angry if she didn’t. At the end of the day I think the best thing is to put aside personal anger and resentment (which I have plenty of) and co-parent our kid because it’s the right thing to do.

Thanks in advance for your inout and advice.

A bit off topic, but...

Why is it that always always always on DCUM (and in real life, when discussing kid issues), parents present what is a serious problem with their kids, but follow it up with BUT S/HE IS A STRAIGHT A STUDENT?

Is that all that matters to you, OP? That she has seemingly good grades in the (most likely) sub-par school she attends? You're not worried about her health? Her morals? Her future, if she starts down this path? Oh, no, she has a 4.0 so all must be right in her world.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I would take her stash and tell her mother about it.

Good grief. Your daughter spends part of her time over at her mom's house doesn't she? Don't you think that her mom should know that she is bringing pot home? You don't even know where she's getting it from. It could be from someone that she sees at her mom's house.

Work with your ex to present a united front to your daughter.[/quote]

This. You and your ex need to coordinate a response, however distasteful it may be to you, and whether you decide on nothing or grounding or something else. Plus your daughter will figure out really quickly that she can play you two off against each other.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would take her stash and tell her mother about it.

Good grief. Your daughter spends part of her time over at her mom's house doesn't she? Don't you think that her mom should know that she is bringing pot home? You don't even know where she's getting it from. It could be from someone that she sees at her mom's house.

Work with your ex to present a united front to your daughter.[/quote]

This. You and your ex need to coordinate a response, however distasteful it may be to you, and whether you decide on nothing or grounding or something else. Plus your daughter will figure out really quickly that she can play you two off against each other. [/quote]

Plus kids never respect the parent who tries to be the "cool" parent. XDH tried this, and DS has zero respect for him, none. It took several people, none of them me, to point out to XDH that he wasn't winning any love or respect. Finally DS told XDH himself that he didn't respect him. Now XDH is overreacting in the other direction on the spectrum of discipline, but I digress. Don't try to be the "cool" parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her like you would if you found alcohol - not legal and can't prevent it, but I am taking it. Tell her you won't talk to mom about it and its our secret, but don't bring it into my house again.

I agree with the first part of this, but not the second.
I think your initial thoughts about talking with your ex because you would be angry if she didn't talk with you about the same issue should be your guide. As a step-parent of a teen it's really important that kids know parents talk and not model keeping secrets. I would talk to your daughter first and what she says might influence how, when and/or how much I shared with my ex. Consider this, it's highly possible she has more at her mom's house... how would you feel later if it came up that you knew and didn't tell your ex?

[Anonymous]

If the situation were reversed and your exwife posted this on here as I'm sure she'd describe you as a nut job, too, and then she elected to not tell you after following the advice of many, how would you feel about it? You know it is absolutely wrong. Your kid will pick up on the situation. (Think of it this way: you find pot, talk to kid but don't tell mom and think it is one and done. Mom finds pot, talks to kid and doesn't tell you and she thinks it is one and done. See the problem...?) You two better get on the same page with this immediately. The poster above who mentioned that this was finding paraphernalia showing she's more heavily into it than just dipping her toe into it is spot on. Run, don't walk...

[Anonymous]

Ask your DD does she want to tell her mother herself or does she want you to tell her mother. If she says she will do it, say she has x amount of time and then you will follow up to make sure she told her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her goods and don't tell mom.

Don't tell your daughter you took it too. Watch her squirm.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell my ex, nor would I get overly worked up about this.

[Anonymous]

Why are you cleaning your teenager's room? That's the weirdest thing about this. She's old enough to clean her own room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your daughter and ask her to tell her mom.

You should not tell her mom.

All parents with a 15 year old should assume they are smoking pot. The fact she has her own pipe is a little concerning because it means she smokes on a regular occasion.

Do you have teens? I can assure you that not all teens smoke pot (mine don't and they are 19 and 16) And yes, I know them very well.

[Anonymous]

Yes, tell her mother! How would you feel if mom kept this information from you? Not too happy I'm guessing. Maybe you all could go for counseling to figure out how to deal with potential addiction problems down the road.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I thought I’d follow up and let those who may be interested know how this turned out. I find sharing our experiences here makes us all better parents.

When we were out and about and the mood was right I said to D15 “I wanted to talk to you about something. Can you explain about the things I found in the drawer in your room?”

She was caught off guard and obviously feeling cornered and nervous.

I then said “Look, I’m not judging you, I’m not attacking you, and I’m not mad. But I’m your dad and my number one purpose in life is to make sure you’re ok. So just let me know where this figures into your life and how often you’re smoking. I’m also curious where you got it.”

What followed was a really great conversation where I think she pretty much admitted and discussed everything I wanted to know (I think she probably minimized how often but I’d expect that). She didn’t want to say exactly where she got it because she didn’t want to rat out her friends, but I was able to figure it out and I made it clear that I pretty much knew and wasn’t surprised at who I suspected.

Here is what I basically said:

• “You’re at a point in life where I really can’t stop you from doing anything. I’d have to chain you to a tree to do that and we’re just not going to live like that. I want you to be smart and learn to make good and informed choices for yourself.”

• “Something to consider is that you don’t know where your weed comes from or what’s in it. Alcohol is manufactured and regulated as to what’s in it, but homegrown pot isn’t. I’ve known people who’ve had seizures from smoking something that was laced with god knows what. So you need to consider that.” (I admit this was unlikely and a bit of a reach but still a good “scared straight” bit to include)

• “There are health issues in you using weed at your age. You can google a lot of clear info about the fact that people’s brains aren’t truly done growing until into your mid 20’s. You really want to do something to possibly alter how your mind will work long term?”

• “It’s illegal for you to have and use this. While it’s legal in our state for someone over 21 with a prescription card to use it, you fit neither of those things. You are pretty sure about a career in <•redacted•>. Consider what might happen if, maybe 4 years from now, you get pulled over or stopped for some reason and a cop busts you with some pot and a pipe. Or even worse, catches you under the influence. That would be on your record for at least several years and any potential employer would see it, which will have a serious impact on your career plans.”

• “I believe that moderation in all things is a good approach to life and as I said, I can’t control what you do when you’re not in my presence. But I want us to have an open dialogue about this and if for any reason I see changes in you that lead me to believe you’re still getting high, then I will dig into your life and see what’s going on, which may lead to some serious consequences. I will do this because I’m your dad and I love you and care about you, not because I’m policing you.”

Here was the thing about informing my ex (her mother) and how that played out.

• “I’ve thought about this and your mom needs to be aware of everything. I am a divorced dad, not a single dad, and there is a difference. If the tables were turned and she didn’t include me, I’d be pretty upset. We’re not a couple anymore, but we’re both still your parents and always will be. I think you should be the one to tell her about all this.”

Oh man, she didn’t like this idea and did her best to squirm out of it (which was pretty entertaining).

• “You should tell her by tonight or I will tell her tomorrow. Your call. But the reason I want you to tell her is that you should have an open and honest relationship with BOTH me and mom. This is an opportunity to set that tone and build some trust. You should always be able to come to both of us and this will help you flex that muscle.”

She told her mother and my ex and I had a good conversation after the fact, much more calm and rational than I expected. We agreed on the scope of the situation and that we will both be vigilant and share information.

So in the end it all worked out pretty well.

I am once again grateful for everyone’s input and it helped me formulate the best way to move ahead. Thank you and have a great week!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your daughter and ask her to tell her mom.

You should not tell her mom.

All parents with a 15 year old should assume they are smoking pot. The fact she has her own pipe is a little concerning because it means she smokes on a regular occasion.

Not every 15 year old is smoking pot.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, Op. You did a great job handling this.