Found Marijuana In Kid's Room - Do I Tell My Ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The last 2 responses are interesting, but my concern is that a "family meeting" would make it more of an issue than it needs to be. Though I have suggested such a meeting previously to address some seriously disrespectful behavior to both my ex and me, it never happened.

Maybe the best thing is to talk to her, and have her tell her mom, which I will then follow up on with my ex. The problem is that D15 may manipulate and diminish the situation by telling her in a softened way.

Or maybe I ask my kid how she feels it should be handled both with regard to the weed and with her mother. I remember when my parents would say "What do you think should happen as a result of <incident/behavior>?" That was almost worse than a punishment.

Also, it's true that I would want to know and be furious if my ex didn't tell me.

I live on the west coast and attitudes out here are pretty lax about this stuff. I find DCUM forum to be an excellent resource for all things family and parent related.

Thanks again for all the input.

you talk to her, have her talk to her mom, you follow up with your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Show your daughter what you found, and tell her that you don't want to make a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, but if you find evidence of it again, you'll have to tell her mom because it's an issue you'll have to address as co-parents. If your ex is that bad, the idea of mom finding out might be enough to scare your daughter out of it.

this is what I would do. Also, you sound like a good dad

[Anonymous]

I am surprised by all the responses of not telling your ex. I disagree. As you said, if the situation were reversed, you would want to know. I think your ex should be in the loop for so many reasons, mostly for the sake of your daughter. If it is 50/50 custody, your ex needs to be on the lookout for changes in behavior and aware this is going on as well. You also don't want this to become a thing where you have a special secret you share with your daughter.

I also think taking the stash and not talking about it is a bad idea for the reasons listed above. How and when you tell your ex is up to you - you could either talk to your daughter first and say she needs to share this with her mother and follow up or talk to your daughter and let her know you will be telling her mom as well. I actually would lean towards the latter option so you can make sure nothing get lost in translation so to speak.

I don't think a 15 year old bringing pot into your home is a non issue. Even if it is legal for adults, it is NOT for 15 year olds. It may not a big deal for a lot of people but it can be abused by some and a sign of bigger issues not to mention the disrespect of sneaking illegal substances into your house.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you tell mother and confront child! Why is this up for discussion?

[Anonymous]

Light it up dad and INHALE...



In a while you'll feel relaxed and forget all about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The last 2 responses are interesting, but my concern is that a "family meeting" would make it more of an issue than it needs to be. Though I have suggested such a meeting previously to address some seriously disrespectful behavior to both my ex and me, it never happened.

Maybe the best thing is to talk to her, and have her tell her mom, which I will then follow up on with my ex. The problem is that D15 may manipulate and diminish the situation by telling her in a softened way.

Or maybe I ask my kid how she feels it should be handled both with regard to the weed and with her mother. I remember when my parents would say "What do you think should happen as a result of <incident/behavior>?" That was almost worse than a punishment.

Also, it's true that I would want to know and be furious if my ex didn't tell me.

I live on the west coast and attitudes out here are pretty lax about this stuff. I find DCUM forum to be an excellent resource for all things family and parent related.

Thanks again for all the input.

you talk to her, have her talk to her mom, you follow up with your ex.

I would do a 3-way Skype/FaceTime chat. That way all of you are on the same page regarding what information was exchanged and can address the situation together in real time without having the potential added drama of being physically co-located.

[Anonymous]

I would take the stuff and say nothing to anyone.

[Anonymous]

If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

[Anonymous]

Tell child and ALL 3 sit down together for child to tell mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

Who is talking about rehab?

Anyway, you should know that in MoCo, if you're underage and you're caught high or drunk by the police, for example in a public place like a high school football game, the county will require you to do rehab and community service. I know several kids this happened to. IMO rehab is counterproductive for a first or second offense, because the kids just share tips. But the kids in the rehab you describe we're probably mostly not sent by their parents.

Anyway, OP should tell his wife. Maybe tell her by email, so she can overreact, take a deep breath, and then calm down. Email often keeps people reasonable and prevents them flying off the handle, because it's a written record. But shared custody means shared info. I'm not sure, but the custody arrangement may even require him to share major info like this. Legal issues aside, if he wants his wife to share things like grades with him, he can't be sneaking around behind her back.

OP also didn't mention consequences. Agree with XDW on a reasonable consequence--she's grounded for a week or two. Yes, she needs a consequence. That's what parents do. It's the same as finding alcohol or cheating on tests. Even if you think pot is harmless and occasionally indulge yourself, setting no boundaries is the road to kids with no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

Who is talking about rehab?

Anyway, you should know that in MoCo, if you're underage and you're caught high or drunk by the police, for example in a public place like a high school football game, the county will require you to do rehab and community service. I know several kids this happened to. IMO rehab is counterproductive for a first or second offense, because the kids just share tips. But the kids in the rehab you describe we're probably mostly not sent by their parents.

Anyway, OP should tell his wife. Maybe tell her by email, so she can overreact, take a deep breath, and then calm down. Email often keeps people reasonable and prevents them flying off the handle, because it's a written record. But shared custody means shared info. I'm not sure, but the custody arrangement may even require him to share major info like this. Legal issues aside, if he wants his wife to share things like grades with him, he can't be sneaking around behind her back.

OP also didn't mention consequences. Agree with XDW on a reasonable consequence--she's grounded for a week or two. Yes, she needs a consequence. That's what parents do. It's the same as finding alcohol or cheating on tests. Even if you think pot is harmless and occasionally indulge yourself, setting no boundaries is the road to kids with no boundaries.

PA. Lots of kids do pot. But the responsible parents set consequences and don't help hide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

Who is talking about rehab?

Anyway, you should know that in MoCo, if you're underage and you're caught high or drunk by the police, for example in a public place like a high school football game, the county will require you to do rehab and community service. I know several kids this happened to. IMO rehab is counterproductive for a first or second offense, because the kids just share tips. But the kids in the rehab you describe we're probably mostly not sent by their parents.

Anyway, OP should tell his wife. Maybe tell her by email, so she can overreact, take a deep breath, and then calm down. Email often keeps people reasonable and prevents them flying off the handle, because it's a written record. But shared custody means shared info. I'm not sure, but the custody arrangement may even require him to share major info like this. Legal issues aside, if he wants his wife to share things like grades with him, he can't be sneaking around behind her back.

OP also didn't mention consequences. Agree with XDW on a reasonable consequence--she's grounded for a week or two. Yes, she needs a consequence. That's what parents do. It's the same as finding alcohol or cheating on tests. Even if you think pot is harmless and occasionally indulge yourself, setting no boundaries is the road to kids with no boundaries.

Of course they were sent by their parents. No one pays the crazy costs for private rehab except over-reacting parents with money or parents desperate because they just found used needles in their kid's room. And yeah--heroin and cocaine users were in there with the kids caught with a pipe in their room who had over-reacting parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 wiundivorced parents can be tough and weed isn't the scary gateway drug the Regan's made it out to be. Talk to DD and see where her head is at. After talking to her if you feel it's not resolved then include mom. There's nothing wrong with handelig parenting delimias that are rather small on your own. If DD feels that her parents relationship worsens because of her action it may just drive her to need that mental escape even more. Keeping DD as a priority over the obligation to her mother would be my vote.

It's not a gateway drug but regular/heavy use by young teens can have serious impacts on the still developing brain. I wouldn't be as concerned about occasional use as I would regular.

And that's the discussion I'd have with my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

Who is talking about rehab?

Anyway, you should know that in MoCo, if you're underage and you're caught high or drunk by the police, for example in a public place like a high school football game, the county will require you to do rehab and community service. I know several kids this happened to. IMO rehab is counterproductive for a first or second offense, because the kids just share tips. But the kids in the rehab you describe we're probably mostly not sent by their parents.

Anyway, OP should tell his wife. Maybe tell her by email, so she can overreact, take a deep breath, and then calm down. Email often keeps people reasonable and prevents them flying off the handle, because it's a written record. But shared custody means shared info. I'm not sure, but the custody arrangement may even require him to share major info like this. Legal issues aside, if he wants his wife to share things like grades with him, he can't be sneaking around behind her back.

OP also didn't mention consequences. Agree with XDW on a reasonable consequence--she's grounded for a week or two. Yes, she needs a consequence. That's what parents do. It's the same as finding alcohol or cheating on tests. Even if you think pot is harmless and occasionally indulge yourself, setting no boundaries is the road to kids with no boundaries.

Of course they were sent by their parents. No one pays the crazy costs for private rehab except over-reacting parents with money or parents desperate because they just found used needles in their kid's room. And yeah--heroin and cocaine users were in there with the kids caught with a pipe in their room who had over-reacting parents.

You have no clue. MoCo requires rehab if the MoCo police bust you. It's non-negotiable. If the kid does rehab plus community service, the citation gets wiped from their record if he or she is under 18. That's why the parents go along with it. It doesn't matter where you do the rehab--mine did it at Kaiser (and we had to pay a little for that), others probably pay for private rehab. So long as you send the form in after the rehab, it'll get wiped from your record. But you have to do it.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised at the nonchalance with which you people treat weed. It's not like it is Budweiser, which can be bought in the grocery store, and which is manufactured under regulated conditions by identifiable people with known ingredients. Who knows what's in the drugs your kids are smoking, where this stuff came from, or what kind of unsavory people were involved in the chain of production and sale.

Maybe it's no worse than alcohol, but because it is wholly outside the chain of normal commerce, your kid could be inhaling who knows what from who knows where. I'm not ok with that.