Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I thought I’d follow up and let those who may be interested know how this turned out. I find sharing our experiences here makes us all better parents.
When we were out and about and the mood was right I said to D15 “I wanted to talk to you about something. Can you explain about the things I found in the drawer in your room?”
She was caught off guard and obviously feeling cornered and nervous.
I then said “Look, I’m not judging you, I’m not attacking you, and I’m not mad. But I’m your dad and my number one purpose in life is to make sure you’re ok. So just let me know where this figures into your life and how often you’re smoking. I’m also curious where you got it.”
What followed was a really great conversation where I think she pretty much admitted and discussed everything I wanted to know (I think she probably minimized how often but I’d expect that). She didn’t want to say exactly where she got it because she didn’t want to rat out her friends, but I was able to figure it out and I made it clear that I pretty much knew and wasn’t surprised at who I suspected.
Here is what I basically said:
• “You’re at a point in life where I really can’t stop you from doing anything. I’d have to chain you to a tree to do that and we’re just not going to live like that. I want you to be smart and learn to make good and informed choices for yourself.”
• “Something to consider is that you don’t know where your weed comes from or what’s in it. Alcohol is manufactured and regulated as to what’s in it, but homegrown pot isn’t. I’ve known people who’ve had seizures from smoking something that was laced with god knows what. So you need to consider that.” (I admit this was unlikely and a bit of a reach but still a good “scared straight” bit to include)
• “There are health issues in you using weed at your age. You can google a lot of clear info about the fact that people’s brains aren’t truly done growing until into your mid 20’s. You really want to do something to possibly alter how your mind will work long term?”
• “It’s illegal for you to have and use this. While it’s legal in our state for someone over 21 with a prescription card to use it, you fit neither of those things. You are pretty sure about a career in <•redacted•>. Consider what might happen if, maybe 4 years from now, you get pulled over or stopped for some reason and a cop busts you with some pot and a pipe. Or even worse, catches you under the influence. That would be on your record for at least several years and any potential employer would see it, which will have a serious impact on your career plans.”
• “I believe that moderation in all things is a good approach to life and as I said, I can’t control what you do when you’re not in my presence. But I want us to have an open dialogue about this and if for any reason I see changes in you that lead me to believe you’re still getting high, then I will dig into your life and see what’s going on, which may lead to some serious consequences. I will do this because I’m your dad and I love you and care about you, not because I’m policing you.”
Here was the thing about informing my ex (her mother) and how that played out.
• “I’ve thought about this and your mom needs to be aware of everything. I am a divorced dad, not a single dad, and there is a difference. If the tables were turned and she didn’t include me, I’d be pretty upset. We’re not a couple anymore, but we’re both still your parents and always will be. I think you should be the one to tell her about all this.”
Oh man, she didn’t like this idea and did her best to squirm out of it (which was pretty entertaining).
• “You should tell her by tonight or I will tell her tomorrow. Your call. But the reason I want you to tell her is that you should have an open and honest relationship with BOTH me and mom. This is an opportunity to set that tone and build some trust. You should always be able to come to both of us and this will help you flex that muscle.”
She told her mother and my ex and I had a good conversation after the fact, much more calm and rational than I expected. We agreed on the scope of the situation and that we will both be vigilant and share information.
So in the end it all worked out pretty well.
I am once again grateful for everyone’s input and it helped me formulate the best way to move ahead. Thank you and have a great week!
Thanks so much for the update! Good job on the way you handled this!
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