To disclose HFA diagnosis to teen or not? 17 year old

[Anonymous]

My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 8, he has been on meds.
To make a long story short, he always had HFA traits. I did try to get a diagnosis on several occasions over his life. He was only diagnosed with ADHD.
He never required any school accommodations, he graduated high school recently.

He has poor eye contact. He did have friends in school but never hung around them at home. He did want friends but he just wasn't popular and did not fit in.
In high school, teachers said he did fine socially. He did see a child psychologist to deal with some issues. This psychologist did a psych ed asst. recently, he told me ds has HFA.

Ds took years to get comfortable with being diagnosed with ADHD. It really upset him that he was different. Took him a long time to deal with this.
SO, NOW this psychologist says we should tell ds about the diagnosis. I know it would crush him. He is headed to college soon.
At this point, he is almost 18. What benefit would there be to knowing? None as far as I can see.

This psychologist said it will better help him understand himself. So, this psychologist thinks we should just drop this on ds and ship him off to college.
I disagree.
Any thoughts?
I know for some people they are relieved to get a diagnosis. my son has previously told my DH that having an autism diagnosis would bother him.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, he is really happy now. He made friends from work, they hang out a lot. He was unhappy two years ago, when he started seeing the psychologist but things are so much better now.

[Anonymous]

I would not. College is a time to reinvent who you are and how you present yourself. I would start now into looking at all the activities and groups your son would have a natural interest in and encourage him to join those and find like minded people so he can establish new social groups at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, he is really happy now. He made friends from work, they hang out a lot. He was unhappy two years ago, when he started seeing the psychologist but things are so much better now.

I can appreciate why that would change the calculus for you. That said, what do you think will happen later, as more and more of his peers are forming serious romantic relationships, getting married, etc.? Do you think he'll be able to do all of that alongside them, or will he struggle again without knowing why? If you latter feel you need to tell him so he can understand why he's struggling, how do you think he'll feel about you having kept it a secret from him all of those years?

[Anonymous]

If you keep it from him, won't he feel betrayed when he finds out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not. College is a time to reinvent who you are and how you present yourself. I would start now into looking at all the activities and groups your son would have a natural interest in and encourage him to join those and find like minded people so he can establish new social groups at school.

Different poster, but question for OP, do you think your son has the social skills to do this? Reinvent himself and connect with new people in a new environment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

This. But that's assuming that the diagnosis is accurate. I would have a hard time trusting a diagnosis if it came without the kind of assessment that would be obvious to a 17 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

This. But that's assuming that the diagnosis is accurate. I would have a hard time trusting a diagnosis if it came without the kind of assessment that would be obvious to a 17 year old.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you keep it from him, won't he feel betrayed when he finds out?

Truly, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

This. But that's assuming that the diagnosis is accurate. I would have a hard time trusting a diagnosis if it came without the kind of assessment that would be obvious to a 17 year old.

OP here, I questioned why we should blindly believe what this psychologist says when others have said he does not have it.
He says he suspected from the start and now viewing the childhood report cards solidified it.
He also said he wants to apologize to my son because the system failed him. WTF!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

This. But that's assuming that the diagnosis is accurate. I would have a hard time trusting a diagnosis if it came without the kind of assessment that would be obvious to a 17 year old.

+1

What do you mean? What kind of an assessment would it Entail?

[Anonymous]

Don't turn this into some big family secret. This is medical information about your son, that he deserves to know. If he disagrees with the diagnosis, he can always find a different doc to review the evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not. College is a time to reinvent who you are and how you present yourself. I would start now into looking at all the activities and groups your son would have a natural interest in and encourage him to join those and find like minded people so he can establish new social groups at school.

Different poster, but question for OP, do you think your son has the social skills to do this? Reinvent himself and connect with new people in a new environment?

I think he can but who knows what will happen. He seems to have done this at his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn this into some big family secret. This is medical information about your son, that he deserves to know. If he disagrees with the diagnosis, he can always find a different doc to review the evaluation.

I can guarantee he will disagree with it, I know he will.