To disclose HFA diagnosis to teen or not? 17 year old

[Anonymous]

I would tell him. Information is power and he will find a wonderful community online if not IRL.

Nothing good comes of hiding these things. My middle brother was diagnosed with a health condition in addition to ADHD. My parents disclosed the ADHD first and he took it so badly, they didn't tell him about the illness for years. In time, he turned 18, had major fights with them and didn't want to believe anything they said. Because he was over 18, they couldn't force him to get treatment. I think he could have been eased into his diagnosis over time and helped to understand how to care for himself properly. Instead, he self-medicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, he is really happy now. He made friends from work, they hang out a lot. He was unhappy two years ago, when he started seeing the psychologist but things are so much better now.

I can appreciate why that would change the calculus for you. That said, what do you think will happen later, as more and more of his peers are forming serious romantic relationships, getting married, etc.? Do you think he'll be able to do all of that alongside them, or will he struggle again without knowing why? If you latter feel you need to tell him so he can understand why he's struggling, how do you think he'll feel about you having kept it a secret from him all of those years?

I truly think he would be happy that he didn't get the label. He has said that labels are the worst things parents can do to a child. Granted that was a few years ago.
I think he can have romantic relationships but who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn this into some big family secret. This is medical information about your son, that he deserves to know. If he disagrees with the diagnosis, he can always find a different doc to review the evaluation.

I can guarantee he will disagree with it, I know he will.

So what? It's information. It's information about him. He doesn't need to agree with it. He just ought to have it. Because informed people make better decisions than people who have been kept ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him. Information is power and he will find a wonderful community online if not IRL.

Nothing good comes of hiding these things. My middle brother was diagnosed with a health condition in addition to ADHD. My parents disclosed the ADHD first and he took it so badly, they didn't tell him about the illness for years. In time, he turned 18, had major fights with them and didn't want to believe anything they said. Because he was over 18, they couldn't force him to get treatment. I think he could have been eased into his diagnosis over time and helped to understand how to care for himself properly. Instead, he self-medicated.

My son has always wanted to be normal. He refused all accommodations in school because he didn't want to be special or different, so he had to work extra hard. I can guarantee he would never want to join online groups. He wants to be friends with the cool kids at school...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, he is really happy now. He made friends from work, they hang out a lot. He was unhappy two years ago, when he started seeing the psychologist but things are so much better now.

I can appreciate why that would change the calculus for you. That said, what do you think will happen later, as more and more of his peers are forming serious romantic relationships, getting married, etc.? Do you think he'll be able to do all of that alongside them, or will he struggle again without knowing why? If you latter feel you need to tell him so he can understand why he's struggling, how do you think he'll feel about you having kept it a secret from him all of those years?

I truly think he would be happy that he didn't get the label. He has said that labels are the worst things parents can do to a child. Granted that was a few years ago.
I think he can have romantic relationships but who knows.

It's not a label. It's a diagnosis. It might even be a mis-diagnosis. Regardless, it's medical information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn this into some big family secret. This is medical information about your son, that he deserves to know. If he disagrees with the diagnosis, he can always find a different doc to review the evaluation.

I can guarantee he will disagree with it, I know he will.

So what? It's information. It's information about him. He doesn't need to agree with it. He just ought to have it. Because informed people make better decisions than people who have been kept ignorant.

Would you just believe this psychologist's opinion and assume everyone else has been wrong for almost 18 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, he is really happy now. He made friends from work, they hang out a lot. He was unhappy two years ago, when he started seeing the psychologist but things are so much better now.

I can appreciate why that would change the calculus for you. That said, what do you think will happen later, as more and more of his peers are forming serious romantic relationships, getting married, etc.? Do you think he'll be able to do all of that alongside them, or will he struggle again without knowing why? If you latter feel you need to tell him so he can understand why he's struggling, how do you think he'll feel about you having kept it a secret from him all of those years?

I truly think he would be happy that he didn't get the label. He has said that labels are the worst things parents can do to a child. Granted that was a few years ago.
I think he can have romantic relationships but who knows.

It's not a label. It's a diagnosis. It might even be a mis-diagnosis. Regardless, it's medical information.

Let's be honest. he totally sees this as a label.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

This. But that's assuming that the diagnosis is accurate. I would have a hard time trusting a diagnosis if it came without the kind of assessment that would be obvious to a 17 year old.

OP here, I questioned why we should blindly believe what this psychologist says when others have said he does not have it.
He says he suspected from the start and now viewing the childhood report cards solidified it.
He also said he wants to apologize to my son because the system failed him. WTF!!!

This seems unprofessional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn this into some big family secret. This is medical information about your son, that he deserves to know. If he disagrees with the diagnosis, he can always find a different doc to review the evaluation.

I can guarantee he will disagree with it, I know he will.

So what? It's information. It's information about him. He doesn't need to agree with it. He just ought to have it. Because informed people make better decisions than people who have been kept ignorant.

Would you just believe this psychologist's opinion and assume everyone else has been wrong for almost 18 years?

Which question are you asking DCUM to answer? Whether you should tell him about the diagnosis? Or whether the diagnosis is correct? Two separate questions.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a mom of a kid with hfa, who has many, many friends with kids with a similar profile, please tell him what the psychologist suspects. Since you haven't had him formally assessed (neuropsych testing or equivalent) you don't know for sure. But he has a right to know what is going on inside him. Not one kid that I know who has been told has felt anything but relief. However, YOU have to be okay with it. Autism is not a bad word. It is a different way a person's brain works. That's it. Like most brain differences, it can bring many challenges, but there are positive aspects, too. Please tell him. Don't treat it like a dirty word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn this into some big family secret. This is medical information about your son, that he deserves to know. If he disagrees with the diagnosis, he can always find a different doc to review the evaluation.

I can guarantee he will disagree with it, I know he will.

So what? It's information. It's information about him. He doesn't need to agree with it. He just ought to have it. Because informed people make better decisions than people who have been kept ignorant.

Would you just believe this psychologist's opinion and assume everyone else has been wrong for almost 18 years?

Which question are you asking DCUM to answer? Whether you should tell him about the diagnosis? Or whether the diagnosis is correct? Two separate questions.

Both and any other thoughts are welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mom of a kid with hfa, who has many, many friends with kids with a similar profile, please tell him what the psychologist suspects. Since you haven't had him formally assessed (neuropsych testing or equivalent) you don't know for sure. But he has a right to know what is going on inside him. Not one kid that I know who has been told has felt anything but relief. However, YOU have to be okay with it. Autism is not a bad word. It is a different way a person's brain works. That's it. Like most brain differences, it can bring many challenges, but there are positive aspects, too. Please tell him. Don't treat it like a dirty word.

I don't think it's a dirty word. I have sought out testing before but what's the point now? its not going to get him services.
he doesn't need them anyway,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

This. But that's assuming that the diagnosis is accurate. I would have a hard time trusting a diagnosis if it came without the kind of assessment that would be obvious to a 17 year old.

+1

What do you mean? What kind of an assessment would it Entail?

My child's autism diagnosis came after 8 hours of testing. I don't know exactly what the tests looked at, since I wasn't in the room with them, but it was obvious to my 10 year old that *something* was happening. You don't asses for autism on the sly. You also don't get an autism diagnosis (even a high functioning autism diagnosis) unless the symptoms are interfering with life in some way -- making it difficult to make friends, for example. If everything is hunky dory wonderful and the fact that anything is wrong would come as a surprise to your son, then I'd question the diagnosis. If your son knows something is wrong (or that he has trouble doing things he'd like to do) but has misconceptions about what autism means, that's a different kind of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

This. But that's assuming that the diagnosis is accurate. I would have a hard time trusting a diagnosis if it came without the kind of assessment that would be obvious to a 17 year old.

OP here, I questioned why we should blindly believe what this psychologist says when others have said he does not have it.
He says he suspected from the start and now viewing the childhood report cards solidified it.
He also said he wants to apologize to my son because the system failed him. WTF!!!

Then why not let the psychologist break the news with you present? And give all that context. He's almost 18, you don't have much longer to play such a role in this.

He's off to college, at 18 he is legally an adult and needs to manage his own health in the coming years.

There's absolutely no question that you need to tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him, and have support ready to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. The whole reason you got to this diagnosis was because your son was struggling and unhappy, and not telling him isn't going to change that. It can be hard to have a label, but understanding why you struggle is a huge part of figuring out what kind of help you need to work with your challenges and be happy.

This. But that's assuming that the diagnosis is accurate. I would have a hard time trusting a diagnosis if it came without the kind of assessment that would be obvious to a 17 year old.

+1

What do you mean? What kind of an assessment would it Entail?

My child's autism diagnosis came after 8 hours of testing. I don't know exactly what the tests looked at, since I wasn't in the room with them, but it was obvious to my 10 year old that *something* was happening. You don't asses for autism on the sly. You also don't get an autism diagnosis (even a high functioning autism diagnosis) unless the symptoms are interfering with life in some way -- making it difficult to make friends, for example. If everything is hunky dory wonderful and the fact that anything is wrong would come as a surprise to your son, then I'd question the diagnosis. If your son knows something is wrong (or that he has trouble doing things he'd like to do) but has misconceptions about what autism means, that's a different kind of conversation.

They psychologist did a three hour IQ test, then met with us for results. However, he did see him over 15 sessions over two years for therapy.