If you and your child just do not get along

[Anonymous]

How do you handle/cope/find answers on the right thing to do? I feel like I just can't win. Worst of all, I feel like I am recreating a situation that I have lived through myself, and I need to change things, but I don't know how. I have no point of reference. My heart is broken.

I ordered "love languages for kids" today. I really need help with this. I don't understand my child's personality (age 12), and I don't think that my child will ever see me as trying to do right by them. At first, I thought it was ODD, or that it was the worst of my spouse's personality coming to light (spouse can be extremely depressed, stubborn and difficult) - but I keep looking for answers without coming to anything that is truly helpful. FWIW, DC connects with spouse fine, but it divides our household.

Other DC are really hurt by most of the things that (DC I am mentioning) does, and how they act toward them - it is always "go away!" "leave me alone!" and (most of all) "you are so annoying!". These responses come after little or no communication (spouse's family has a history of over reaction and spinning, which is tough to be around if you are from a more laid back, and less tightly wound, and less generally agitated or "wronged" family). I feel like DC looks for slights, even when they are not there, and then I look like I am favoring the other DC if I react (in any way, negatively, positively, or not at all). DC rejects everyone except for spouse and maybe one good friend. I fear that DC will have a tough time of this. Also, I can do nothing right. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

http://www.wholeliving.com/134135/love-experiment-one-question-changes-everything

So getting to the point where you can have this conversation takes awhile, and it doesn't always work (for me -- and I know now there will be people announcing that OF COURSE IT ALWAYS WORKS and IT SHOULDN'T WORK YOU DOORMAT BE A PARENT GROW A SPINE. Thanks in advance to both groups! Totally helpful!)

But I think the book you ordered and Yes, Your Teenager Is Crazy can both be helpful. I think things go off the rails when people don't feel heard, and while in some cases the only thing that makes people feel heard is getting their way, sometimes they will accept choices.

I have had to get MUCH better at shutting up when I say I will. "X needs to happen. Is it better for me to remind you or for me to tell you once, including telling you the consequences for it not happening?"

Also, I hear you on the offense-seeking. No advice other than being consistent. And you have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

It's frustrating I know!! want to pull my hair sometime. I think a lot has to do with our tone or when we speak out thoughts out loud. Our kids can hear an unpleasantness to it, especially if we are faking it or demanding things to be done or rushing them. And when people are not heard, they tend to keep doing, usually what you don't want them to do.

I really don't have any advice. All kids are a bit different. But, they generally don't like being told what to do. They will not get it, just like you didn't get it at age 12 and you may not have gotten it at age 22. Eventually, things make sense to you.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you - I will order that book, too! I think there is some manipulation at play. I don't know if I am biased because I know spouse's family so well, and I don't want to slight DC in this regard. Keep the advice coming, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's frustrating I know!! want to pull my hair sometime. I think a lot has to do with our tone or when we speak out thoughts out loud. Our kids can hear an unpleasantness to it, especially if we are faking it or demanding things to be done or rushing them. And when people are not heard, they tend to keep doing, usually what you don't want them to do.

I really don't have any advice. All kids are a bit different. But, they generally don't like being told what to do. They will not get it, just like you didn't get it at age 12 and you may not have gotten it at age 22. Eventually, things make sense to you.

If DC hates me now, will DC REALLY hate me later? This is my primary concern (whether or not it should be).

[Anonymous]

OP again. I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born. I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle/cope/find answers on the right thing to do? I feel like I just can't win. Worst of all, I feel like I am recreating a situation that I have lived through myself, and I need to change things, but I don't know how. I have no point of reference. My heart is broken.

I ordered "love languages for kids" today. I really need help with this. I don't understand my child's personality (age 12), and I don't think that my child will ever see me as trying to do right by them. At first, I thought it was ODD, or that it was the worst of my spouse's personality coming to light (spouse can be extremely depressed, stubborn and difficult) - but I keep looking for answers without coming to anything that is truly helpful. FWIW, DC connects with spouse fine, but it divides our household.

Other DC are really hurt by most of the things that (DC I am mentioning) does, and how they act toward them - it is always "go away!" "leave me alone!" and (most of all) "you are so annoying!". These responses come after little or no communication (spouse's family has a history of over reaction and spinning, which is tough to be around if you are from a more laid back, and less tightly wound, and less generally agitated or "wronged" family). I feel like DC looks for slights, even when they are not there, and then I look like I am favoring the other DC if I react (in any way, negatively, positively, or not at all). DC rejects everyone except for spouse and maybe one good friend. I fear that DC will have a tough time of this. Also, I can do nothing right. What do I do?

This is what psychotherapy is made for. Read the recommend books, AND find a therapist who has an exploratory approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born. I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).

Actually, I think DC is picking up on the fact that he/she reminds you of your spouse and inlaws and that you dislike those traits in him/her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born. I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).

Actually, I think DC is picking up on the fact that he/she reminds you of your spouse and inlaws and that you dislike those traits in him/her.

OP here. Legitimate point - I do worry about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born. I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).

Actually, I think DC is picking up on the fact that he/she reminds you of your spouse and inlaws and that you dislike those traits in him/her.

+100

I am not in your position (currently) but OP, stop blaming the 'other' parent and focus on this is YOUR kid that you love and want to find a solution with.

[Anonymous]

I broke up with a woman mainly because she and her mother did not get along. They were just too alike - stubborn, smart, and overbearing - that their personality just clashed. Every time we went up to visit her family in CT they would end up in a massive fight; it was really awkward for me. They essentially never moved beyond their rebellious teenage daughter/overbearing mom relationship.

[Anonymous]

Is there a chance your child is an introvert and not getting enough alone time to recharge? I remember being a grumpy teenager and looking back I think some of it was that. It's hard to be "on" at school all day, come home to do chores and get nagged about this and that (including not wanting to talk about the day) when what I truly needed was downtime. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel! My son is younger and I’m very grateful that I found the The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Definant Child. I listened to it on Audible and was addicted right away and it helped me tremendously.

 

My son is FULL of “I hate you!” you are “mean”. “You hate me”. Everything is “unfair”.  I deal with huge meltdowns when things do not go his way and he can be really AWFUL to his brother. My approach to him now is more how I would approach a puzzle, keep trying to figure out what will unlock him.

 

2 days ago, I had a huge break through that has never happened. I had to take something away or ask him to stop doing something (can’t remember what it was), this of course triggered a meltdown of his legs turning to spaghetti, him flailing about, and a lot of back talk about how mean I am, how much he hates me and how he will do what he wants when he wants (of course he cannot and he gets madder and madder that I’m holding strong).  Everytime, he said he hates me, I told him “well that it too back because I love you very much and I have to tell what do because I love you so much, I love you more than anything in this world”. After about 3 cycles of this, his voice softened and he said, “ I know you love me” and the tantrum started to descalate. He NEVER softens, he never acknowledges that I might be right. It felts so good just to hear his voice soften. 

 

The Kazdin book has really helped me stay strong and not fall back into pattern that work with my “easy” child. I have to take a different approach with my defiant child. I have to spend more time with him and have to have the patience of a saint. I’ve learned that I absolutely cannot, under any circumstances let my child escalate me and spin me up. It is a death spiral.

 

With this said, I have cried so many times, so sad thinking my youngest son does not love me, that we will never have a good relationship, but I’m seeing progress and I have hope. It is very hard parenting a low rewards child, meaning parenting a kid that seems to despise you and trying over and over to break through just to get shut down. However, I’m seeing the light and I know that I can find the right key to unlock my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel! My son is younger and I’m very grateful that I found the The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Definant Child. I listened to it on Audible and was addicted right away and it helped me tremendously.

 

My son is FULL of “I hate you!” you are “mean”. “You hate me”. Everything is “unfair”.  I deal with huge meltdowns when things do not go his way and he can be really AWFUL to his brother. My approach to him now is more how I would approach a puzzle, keep trying to figure out what will unlock him.

 

2 days ago, I had a huge break through that has never happened. I had to take something away or ask him to stop doing something (can’t remember what it was), this of course triggered a meltdown of his legs turning to spaghetti, him flailing about, and a lot of back talk about how mean I am, how much he hates me and how he will do what he wants when he wants (of course he cannot and he gets madder and madder that I’m holding strong).  Everytime, he said he hates me, I told him “well that it too back because I love you very much and I have to tell what do because I love you so much, I love you more than anything in this world”. After about 3 cycles of this, his voice softened and he said, “ I know you love me” and the tantrum started to descalate. He NEVER softens, he never acknowledges that I might be right. It felts so good just to hear his voice soften. 

 

The Kazdin book has really helped me stay strong and not fall back into pattern that work with my “easy” child. I have to take a different approach with my defiant child. I have to spend more time with him and have to have the patience of a saint. I’ve learned that I absolutely cannot, under any circumstances let my child escalate me and spin me up. It is a death spiral.

 

With this said, I have cried so many times, so sad thinking my youngest son does not love me, that we will never have a good relationship, but I’m seeing progress and I have hope. It is very hard parenting a low rewards child, meaning parenting a kid that seems to despise you and trying over and over to break through just to get shut down. However, I’m seeing the light and I know that I can find the right key to unlock my son.

Just want to say good for you and I know how hard it is. It will pay off in the long run. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Often difficult teens grow into parents with difficult teens. Personalities can be inherited, since physical brain structure and chemistry contribute to shaping them.

So if you turned out all right, I would advise you to grit your teeth and power through it. Think about what YOU would have wanted your parents to do, both to indulge you and to create boundaries. Learn from their mistakes.

I suffered from introverted parents raised with lots of taboos. They never told me anything about growing up, and treated me like a child when I craved an independence I was not ready for, instead of gradually letting me have more responsibility.

So I am trying not to make the same mistake with my children. I answer any question and discuss any subject. I hope that the relationship of honesty and trust built when they were little will stand me in good stead now and when they get to be older.

Dealing with anger and resentment is always hard, but we talk about respectful communication and using a debate tone instead of whining and acting up. The rule is that I will always hear them out when they use the right tone, but they will always be punished and treated like the ill-mannered toddlers they are if they start stomping around, slamming doors or yelling.

It's essentially about who has the most willpower and patience. You have - you're the adult.

Now it won't hurt to have your teen evaluated if you are worried his symptoms are worse than normal. It's so hard to know what's normal at that age! Just make sure to go to a reputable psychologist.