If you and your child just do not get along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel at all better, OP, I was a very difficult kid and fought with my mom constantly up until around the age of 25. Something shifted in my brain at that age - finally finished maturing? I don't know. But I'm very close to her now (though we still quarrel! But we also make up right away, and love hanging out together).

We're you truly difficult, or is that just the family story?
My reputation in the family was never very good, but in other areas of my life people think I'm easygoing and cooperative. In every family there is a goat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The root of your child's disagreeable behavior lies in his early childhood and in inherited traits. The foundation of a lifelong harmonious connection with a child is laid during babyhood.

Many children feel abandoned when their mother goes back to work too soon, and this is when their behavior issues start.

I have found the book Being There by Erica Komisar extremely helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Being-There-Prioritizing-Motherhood-Matters/dp/0143109294/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500049424&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=erika+komisar

Good luck!

Just saw an interesting interview with Komisar that caught my attention.

Perhaps there’s a good reason why the first three years are “The Foundational Years”.

We do know babies and toddlers require stability, competence and love. Very few babysitters or daycares provide all three. But extended family members often can. After all, what sitter is going to love your child as much as Grandma does?

If neither parent is willing or able to be primary caregiver, the next best person might be a relative or a long-term trusted best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle/cope/find answers on the right thing to do? I feel like I just can't win. Worst of all, I feel like I am recreating a situation that I have lived through myself, and I need to change things, but I don't know how. I have no point of reference. My heart is broken.

I ordered "love languages for kids" today. I really need help with this. I don't understand my child's personality (age 12), and I don't think that my child will ever see me as trying to do right by them. At first, I thought it was ODD, or that it was the worst of my spouse's personality coming to light (spouse can be extremely depressed, stubborn and difficult) - but I keep looking for answers without coming to anything that is truly helpful. FWIW, DC connects with spouse fine, but it divides our household.

Other DC are really hurt by most of the things that (DC I am mentioning) does, and how they act toward them - it is always "go away!" "leave me alone!" and (most of all) "you are so annoying!". These responses come after little or no communication (spouse's family has a history of over reaction and spinning, which is tough to be around if you are from a more laid back, and less tightly wound, and less generally agitated or "wronged" family). I feel like DC looks for slights, even when they are not there, and then I look like I am favoring the other DC if I react (in any way, negatively, positively, or not at all). DC rejects everyone except for spouse and maybe one good friend. I fear that DC will have a tough time of this. Also, I can do nothing right. What do I do?

This is what psychotherapy is made for. Read the recommend books, AND find a therapist who has an exploratory approach.

+100

It's wonderful that you're trying to connect -- that is always a positive -- it sounds like you just need a boost and independent sounding board/guide to better understand what your DC needs and how you might better reach them. You sound like you're hurting, and mentally somewhat in blame mode (at your DH, his family, your DC, even yourself a bit), which is normal when we're struggling to change (or more truthfully, perhaps control) something very important to us. You're on the right track, and the best part about making these kinds of inner shifts is that all of your relationships will often feel a little lighter and a little smoother!

[Anonymous]

The only thing I would add to all of the excellent advice here is DON'T TAKE HIS BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY.

Love him through it. You can say: Nothing you will say or do will ever make me stop loving you. We are going to figure this out together.

Also, hormones make some of these kids crazy moody. Each of my boys had a two-year grumpy monster phase. It sucked but now they are lovely.

I know you aren't doing this because you are looking for help here, but don't give up on your kid.

[Anonymous]

12-15 were really rough years with our son. It was a roller coaster of bad, ok, good, rock bottom terrible, lower than we thought rock bottom could ever get.

He’s almost 16 now and there’s been a night and day difference in the past 6 months. Things are perfect but we are so far from where we were a few months ago. He’s maturing and we are learning how to parent a teen.

We also have a younger child who’s 12. It’s not as bad but there are more days with arguments and hateful things being said to us then calm days. DH and I are more prepared and know this phase won’t last forever either.

[Anonymous]

*things aren’t perfect