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[quote=Anonymous]I know how you feel! My son is younger and I’m very grateful that I found the The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Definant Child. I listened to it on Audible and was addicted right away and it helped me tremendously.

My son is FULL of “I hate you!” you are “mean”. “You hate me”. Everything is “unfair”.  I deal with huge meltdowns when things do not go his way and he can be really AWFUL to his brother. My approach to him now is more how I would approach a puzzle, keep trying to figure out what will unlock him.

2 days ago, I had a huge break through that has never happened. I had to take something away or ask him to stop doing something (can’t remember what it was), this of course triggered a meltdown of his legs turning to spaghetti, him flailing about, and a lot of back talk about how mean I am, how much he hates me and how he will do what he wants when he wants (of course he cannot and he gets madder and madder that I’m holding strong).  Everytime, he said he hates me, I told him “well that it too back because I love you very much and I have to tell what do because I love you so much, I love you more than anything in this world”. After about 3 cycles of this, his voice softened and he said, “ I know you love me” and the tantrum started to descalate. He NEVER softens, he never acknowledges that I might be right. It felts so good just to hear his voice soften.

The Kazdin book has really helped me stay strong and not fall back into pattern that work with my “easy” child. I have to take a different approach with my defiant child. I have to spend more time with him and have to have the patience of a saint. I’ve learned that I absolutely cannot, under any circumstances let my child escalate me and spin me up. It is a death spiral.

With this said, I have cried so many times, so sad thinking my youngest son does not love me, that we will never have a good relationship, but I’m seeing progress and I have hope. It is very hard parenting a low rewards child, meaning parenting a kid that seems to despise you and trying over and over to break through just to get shut down. However, I’m seeing the light and I know that I can find the right key to unlock my son.

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