How to handle, son with black friends that use the 'n word'

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 year old son who plays on a predominantly black bball team. He's pretty close with a couple of the kids - who are nice kids and we've had them over to our home before. Over the weekend one of his friends posted two pictures of the three of them on instagram from different bball tournaments with the captions:

"last real n***** alive" and "realizt n***** in the game left"

given this is social media, while it isn't my son using/typing the caption on his instagram as such, i'm concerned others may look at the pictures with the aforementioned captions and assume my son uses the n-word.

Should I ask him to ask his friends to take down the caption? I know my son doesn't use the word himself so I don't want him to think i'm being racist or insensitive if i tell him i'm uncomfortable with his friends using the word when I'm not black myself so I can't speak on how the word should be used.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can tell the kids not to use the word. You can tell your son not to. I'm 50 and have had different black friends use that word throughout the years. Some friends, I feel comfortable enough with to ask if they could not use the word around me. Others, not so much.

Having said that, I doubt people will think your son is using the word unless it's posted by him on his social media.

[Anonymous]

Make sure he knows he can't use the word or type it.

He can like nice posts where a close black friend uses the word in a nice way.

Tell him he can not like racist jokes.

[Anonymous]

They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

[Anonymous]

Why not ask your son what he thinks.
Ask him if he's embarrassed/uncomfortable being tagged in a photo on a black kid's social media page.
Ask him if he's anxious/worried about what others may think of him being tagged in a photo and the black kid used cultural vernacular in a caption that doesn't align with your son's cultural identity.
if he doesn't have a problem with it then don't put the onus on him to tell the black kid to take it down.
If he's okay with it then that leaves YOU as the one who has a problem with it so YOU tell the that little black kid what he can/can't post on his social media page or YOU tell that black kids parents what he can/can't post on his social media page and YOU take responsibility for the lovely repercussions that follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

I get that - the issue i have is his friends using it reference my son in print. I have heard them orally say it in reference to him in a friendly way after practice when but i just brushed it off, but social media seems different since its up there in text for the whole world to see and people may get the wrong impression that my son uses the term as well - which would not be ok and i told him a long time ago and do remind him that it isn't ok to use the term even if his two friends do. i think he gets that - him not using the n word.

[Anonymous]

I'm an African American mom. My opinion is by no means monolithic, but my kids preteen to young adult and the kids of my family and friends don't use that word on social media. I can't say they never utter it at all, but they seem to pretty quickly hop on people who do, so I suspect they don't use it. My stepson actually wrote a paper about the word being unacceptable outside of historical contexts. I don't know any middle class AA families where casual use of the n word by youths or adults is acceptable.

I don't think there's a nice use of the word.

I wouldn't soften its use for my son in your shoes or argue that it's okay to like a post that uses it.

I think it goes beyond a white person not just appropriating the word. There is something problematic for me in his comfort in his friends using it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an African American mom. My opinion is by no means monolithic, but my kids preteen to young adult and the kids of my family and friends don't use that word on social media. I can't say they never utter it at all, but they seem to pretty quickly hop on people who do, so I suspect they don't use it. My stepson actually wrote a paper about the word being unacceptable outside of historical contexts. I don't know any middle class AA families where casual use of the n word by youths or adults is acceptable.

I don't think there's a nice use of the word.

I wouldn't soften its use for my son in your shoes or argue that it's okay to like a post that uses it.

I think it goes beyond a white person not just appropriating the word. There is something problematic for me in his comfort in his friends using it.

Thank you for establishing that blacks are not a monolith and while black people share the same scarred history and share the same sympathies with regard to the horrors of slavery, black people still are individuals above all else with individual familiarities with their own individual environments and individual perspectives from their own individual experiences.

So having said that, I am of the opinion that when it comes to the n-word, I'm not going to order black people how to interpret it or confine black people in how they're allowed to use it. Black people aren't servants to be told what to think or slaves to be shackled and held against their will anymore. There were many black people who fought tooth and nail and many who fight to this day to eliminate that word from existence and I respect their fight. But there are just as many black people who opted to embrace that word to eliminate its sting and redefined that word rather than wait for it to die out and as respect their stance as well. I'm not going to disrespect either faction.
Black people have endured too much for too long for that one simple thing - respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

This is exactly what I'd say.

[Anonymous]

Do you know the parents of these kids? I might just ask in passing -- you've noticed a couple of the kids using this kind of language and you are trying to help your white son behave appropriately, and you'd just like to take the temperature of how they've discussed this with their kids. (I strongly suspect that most AA families would NOT be okay with 13 year olds using this kind of language, but I could be wrong.)

[Anonymous]

OMG do not do what PP is suggesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an African American mom. My opinion is by no means monolithic, but my kids preteen to young adult and the kids of my family and friends don't use that word on social media. I can't say they never utter it at all, but they seem to pretty quickly hop on people who do, so I suspect they don't use it. My stepson actually wrote a paper about the word being unacceptable outside of historical contexts. I don't know any middle class AA families where casual use of the n word by youths or adults is acceptable.

I don't think there's a nice use of the word.

I wouldn't soften its use for my son in your shoes or argue that it's okay to like a post that uses it.

I think it goes beyond a white person not just appropriating the word. There is something problematic for me in his comfort in his friends using it.

This
I would ask him to ask his friends to take his picture down or remove the caption.
Those kids cannot use your kids pic on social media any way they won't .
I assume they mean no harm, but kids need to know what you find unacceptable.
I would also let them know that they cannot use that term in my home.
Let your son know that he can never use that term, no matter how comfortable he feels with his friends.
I'm an AA mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an African American mom. My opinion is by no means monolithic, but my kids preteen to young adult and the kids of my family and friends don't use that word on social media. I can't say they never utter it at all, but they seem to pretty quickly hop on people who do, so I suspect they don't use it. My stepson actually wrote a paper about the word being unacceptable outside of historical contexts. I don't know any middle class AA families where casual use of the n word by youths or adults is acceptable.

I don't think there's a nice use of the word.

I wouldn't soften its use for my son in your shoes or argue that it's okay to like a post that uses it.

I think it goes beyond a white person not just appropriating the word. There is something problematic for me in his comfort in his friends using it.

Thank you for establishing that blacks are not a monolith and while black people share the same scarred history and share the same sympathies with regard to the horrors of slavery, black people still are individuals above all else with individual familiarities with their own individual environments and individual perspectives from their own individual experiences.

So having said that, I am of the opinion that when it comes to the n-word, I'm not going to order black people how to interpret it or confine black people in how they're allowed to use it. Black people aren't servants to be told what to think or slaves to be shackled and held against their will anymore. There were many black people who fought tooth and nail and many who fight to this day to eliminate that word from existence and I respect their fight. But there are just as many black people who opted to embrace that word to eliminate its sting and redefined that word rather than wait for it to die out and as respect their stance as well. I'm not going to disrespect either faction.
Black people have endured too much for too long for that one simple thing - respect.

Calm down
No one is telling black folk what to do
There are things you can tell kids that you don't want to hear!!
These are kids not 25 yr old men.
You can tell kids there are things you don't want said in your presence , your house or plastered under your kid's pic on social media .
So thanks for respecting that ??
AA Parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an African American mom. My opinion is by no means monolithic, but my kids preteen to young adult and the kids of my family and friends don't use that word on social media. I can't say they never utter it at all, but they seem to pretty quickly hop on people who do, so I suspect they don't use it. My stepson actually wrote a paper about the word being unacceptable outside of historical contexts. I don't know any middle class AA families where casual use of the n word by youths or adults is acceptable.

I don't think there's a nice use of the word.

I wouldn't soften its use for my son in your shoes or argue that it's okay to like a post that uses it.

I think it goes beyond a white person not just appropriating the word. There is something problematic for me in his comfort in his friends using it.

Thank you for establishing that blacks are not a monolith and while black people share the same scarred history and share the same sympathies with regard to the horrors of slavery, black people still are individuals above all else with individual familiarities with their own individual environments and individual perspectives from their own individual experiences.

So having said that, I am of the opinion that when it comes to the n-word, I'm not going to order black people how to interpret it or confine black people in how they're allowed to use it. Black people aren't servants to be told what to think or slaves to be shackled and held against their will anymore. There were many black people who fought tooth and nail and many who fight to this day to eliminate that word from existence and I respect their fight. But there are just as many black people who opted to embrace that word to eliminate its sting and redefined that word rather than wait for it to die out and as respect their stance as well. I'm not going to disrespect either faction.
Black people have endured too much for too long for that one simple thing - respect.

OP here - I fully agree with this. That's why I don't know how to respond - I don't want to seem like i'm imposing or telling a black person how they should act using the word but at the same time I'm concerned someone might view the instagram posts and think my son uses the term, when he doesn't.