How to handle, son with black friends that use the 'n word'

[Anonymous]

My black friends use it around me (white). We're in our 40s and 50s - and dare I add, educated.

I don't use it - ever! However, I'm not uncomfortable when my friends use it, but I do cringe, for whatever reason, when I hear teens use it.

not sure I can explain why, though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

This is spot on.

This is what we tell our kids too.

Way to take a stand! LOL

What doesn't that mean? DP but I would tell my kid the same thing. What is there to 'take a stand' about?

Basically, get a backbone. Just because someone is black, it doesn't give them a free pass to say/do whatever they want. But my kids know that wearing your pants hanging down past your ass and saying the N word is not acceptable. I never had to say anything to them, it's common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way this discussion has twisted and turned is why self-segregation occurs. Why can't everyone not use extremely offensive words, especially ones that have been used against racial groups, women, gays?

And I can hear the response - "my son can say whatever he wants wherevere he wants and you can just keep your lily-white boy away" - but what does that get us as an overall society? Economic and educational parity? Political understanding? Empathy?

SMH - it all seems hopeless sometimes.

Then what is hopeless is your lack of understanding nuanced, complicated issues and common sense.

Thanks Tho!

Too flip and a very lame response. If you've got a point to make besides and insult, make it. Otherwise, this sort of response serves no purpose whatsoever. NP here, btw. I'm following this discussion but see very few helpful or instructive responses here. While I fall into the "you're just not allowed to say it" camp and that's what I tell my DD (who is too young to fully grasp all of the reasons why) simply dismissing the opposite views or people who aren't as "nuanced" as you purport to be is a really ineffective tool.

I was responding to a flip, nonsensical comment and responded in kind.
Yet, you added no explanation or further "nuance" that you accuse me of not providing(as if that was my obligation).
But just for giggles, how about this:

I have little patience for people who have no understanding of why they cannot do everything that other people do.
While there is room for copious debate among AA people about the context, historical and current implications, impact and validity of the usage of the word "nigger",
that debate is NO WHERE insinuated, inferred, or otherwise present in a comment squarely and solely centered in the "if you can, so can I" perspective.
There are things that SOME Jewish people MAY do or say that is an element of their cultural/ethnic/religious commonalities and the relationships thereof.
The same may be said of Vietnamese people or gay and transgendered people.
Hell! There are things that you say or do with your spouse that are solely and unequivocally a privilege of the relationship that you two have.
I DON'T GET TO, NOR DO I WANT TO have that same privilege.
That is your relationship, that is their kinship, let them HAVE IT.
I don't need to do what everyone else is doing in order to feel valued, valuable or acknowleged.
In a nutshell, 'Everything AIN'T for 'erebody'. And if you cannot comprehend that, then, as the old folks say, "I can show you better than I can tell you"

Dumb pp here - I just don't get why, in 2017, "'erebody'" thinks that using offensive words publicly that upset others, regardless of who the others are, is acceptable. Posting is public. Shouting across the basketball court is public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way this discussion has twisted and turned is why self-segregation occurs. Why can't everyone not use extremely offensive words, especially ones that have been used against racial groups, women, gays?

And I can hear the response - "my son can say whatever he wants wherevere he wants and you can just keep your lily-white boy away" - but what does that get us as an overall society? Economic and educational parity? Political understanding? Empathy?

SMH - it all seems hopeless sometimes.

Then what is hopeless is your lack of understanding nuanced, complicated issues and common sense.

Thanks Tho!

Too flip and a very lame response. If you've got a point to make besides and insult, make it. Otherwise, this sort of response serves no purpose whatsoever. NP here, btw. I'm following this discussion but see very few helpful or instructive responses here. While I fall into the "you're just not allowed to say it" camp and that's what I tell my DD (who is too young to fully grasp all of the reasons why) simply dismissing the opposite views or people who aren't as "nuanced" as you purport to be is a really ineffective tool.

I was responding to a flip, nonsensical comment and responded in kind.
Yet, you added no explanation or further "nuance" that you accuse me of not providing(as if that was my obligation).
But just for giggles, how about this:

I have little patience for people who have no understanding of why they cannot do everything that other people do.
While there is room for copious debate among AA people about the context, historical and current implications, impact and validity of the usage of the word "nigger",
that debate is NO WHERE insinuated, inferred, or otherwise present in a comment squarely and solely centered in the "if you can, so can I" perspective.
There are things that SOME Jewish people MAY do or say that is an element of their cultural/ethnic/religious commonalities and the relationships thereof.
The same may be said of Vietnamese people or gay and transgendered people.
Hell! There are things that you say or do with your spouse that are solely and unequivocally a privilege of the relationship that you two have.
I DON'T GET TO, NOR DO I WANT TO have that same privilege.
That is your relationship, that is their kinship, let them HAVE IT.
I don't need to do what everyone else is doing in order to feel valued, valuable or acknowleged.
In a nutshell, 'Everything AIN'T for 'erebody'. And if you cannot comprehend that, then, as the old folks say, "I can show you better than I can tell you"

Dumb pp here - I just don't get why, in 2017, "'erebody'" thinks that using offensive words publicly that upset others, regardless of who the others are, is acceptable. Posting is public. Shouting across the basketball court is public.

Don't don't even try it !
Where people use that word was not the discussion.
The thread and many comments are squarely about people wanting to know why white people can't use it and why some black people choose to use.
It had nothing to do with people screaming that word on a train, on a plane, in a car, at a bar, on the basketball court or anywhere else .
So please don't conflate where somebody uses it with the discussion of who can use it .
And to be clear, I posted more than once that OP has a right to tell her child to ask her friends to untag him and OP also has a right to tell those friends not to use that word, that language in her home or around her .
You are deliberately twisting two different things and it's purposely irritating .
If you can't handle a rational discussion of the topic at hand don't throw in spaghetti sauce because you don't feel like having to twist your brain around Trying to understand salmon patties .

[Anonymous]

I'm white. Yes I agree black people can use the n word and white people cant. However, I don't want to hear it. I have a right to ask people to stop saying it, just like I have a right to ask people not to use the word "cu%t", which I also cringe when hearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm white. Yes I agree black people can use the n word and white people cant. However, I don't want to hear it. I have a right to ask people to stop saying it, just like I have a right to ask people not to use the word "cu%t", which I also cringe when hearing.

+1 Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My black friends use it around me (white). We're in our 40s and 50s - and dare I add, educated.

I don't use it - ever! However, I'm not uncomfortable when my friends use it, but I do cringe, for whatever reason, when I hear teens use it.

not sure I can explain why, though

Use of the word has nothing to do with being educated or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

Ah no I am not telling my son this. I am tired of this. I say no to the word in question the same way I say no to slangs for Irish --many of whose ancestors were indentured servents etc. if it is derogatory we don't say it and I do not care if JayZ makes it cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

This is exactly what I'd say.

Yup. Me too. Social media posts never go away. And yes, this means that sometimes he will just have to be quiet when he would like to weigh in. I appreciate that there is something unfair about being asked to be quiet in a conversation among friends, but since his friends do use this word, he is stuck. I hope as they mature they use it less.

I appreciate that AA families may have different opinions, and that only they get to have an opinion more nuanced than "we don't use that word", but teens being teens mean that their language will push boundaries, regardless of their parents' preferences.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised how many people here think they can control the language of other people's children, or that this one kid on the team can control the language of his friends. Teen life isn't that way.

I'm glad your son found a team with boys he enjoys. That doesn't always happen but is great fun when it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised how many people here think they can control the language of other people's children, or that this one kid on the team can control the language of his friends. Teen life isn't that way.

I'm glad your son found a team with boys he enjoys. That doesn't always happen but is great fun when it does.

Who is controlling the language of his friends? I can control how my kid is posted/tagged/captioned on social media, I can also be very clear about what is acceptable language and/or behaviour in my home or in my presence.
Yes, teens push boundaries and make mistakes or do things we do not like, but that does not mean you do not establish/standards/rules, that's b.s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised how many people here think they can control the language of other people's children, or that this one kid on the team can control the language of his friends. Teen life isn't that way.

I'm glad your son found a team with boys he enjoys. That doesn't always happen but is great fun when it does.

Who is controlling the language of his friends? I can control how my kid is posted/tagged/captioned on social media, I can also be very clear about what is acceptable language and/or behaviour in my home or in my presence.
Yes, teens push boundaries and make mistakes or do things we do not like, but that does not mean you do not establish/standards/rules, that's b.s.

I can establish rules for my house. I can establish rules for my child. I cannot do the same for other people's children and do not want to. Most of my son's time is spent outside of my little world now, as is the OP's child outside of hers. It seems silly to suggest that this child become the arbiter of proper speech with his friends or pick new ones. Life is full of shades of gray and these seem to be nice kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised how many people here think they can control the language of other people's children, or that this one kid on the team can control the language of his friends. Teen life isn't that way.

I'm glad your son found a team with boys he enjoys. That doesn't always happen but is great fun when it does.

Who is controlling the language of his friends? I can control how my kid is posted/tagged/captioned on social media, I can also be very clear about what is acceptable language and/or behaviour in my home or in my presence.
Yes, teens push boundaries and make mistakes or do things we do not like, but that does not mean you do not establish/standards/rules, that's b.s.

I can establish rules for my house. I can establish rules for my child. I cannot do the same for other people's children and do not want to. Most of my son's time is spent outside of my little world now, as is the OP's child outside of hers. It seems silly to suggest that this child become the arbiter of proper speech with his friends or pick new ones. Life is full of shades of gray and these seem to be nice kids.

I am not really disagreeing with you in general. What I am saying is the OP has the right to tell her kids to tell his friends to UNTAG him. We all have a right to control how we are used on social media. And it bears repeating that I can certainly control what happens in my home, abide by my rules or leave. I am sure they are all great kids, and as we have all said, teens push boundaries, but as adults, there are times we have to push back and there are ways to do that gently but firmly.

[Anonymous]

Way I see it white people can say whatever racially insensitive remarks they want to say and use whatever racially derogatory words they want to use - I would just caution those white people not to be surprised when somebody beats the crap out of your ass one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

This is spot on.

Agreed. My son is 17, but is also on a basketball team that is predominately black. The kids he's friends with have even told him he can use the N-word (apparently, there's a difference when there's an "a" at the end as opposed to an "er") with them, but we told him that he should not use that term (in any spelling or format), even if his friends say it's ok.

Same. We told our son that he cannot say it with an a on the end, even if his friends tell him he can, even if his other white friends use it. It's not a word we allow in our house, in any form.

His friends also know that it's not a word we allow in our house and they try to be mindful of not saying it. Not saying it doesn't happen, but now not every other word out of their mouths isn't 'n---a.' I felt I had a right to ask his friends not to use that word when in my house. I don't feel like I have the right to ask his friends not to post pictures or tag my son in pictures and use that word. I also can't control what they say when we're out in public together. One of his black friends went with us to a Nats game a few weeks ago and told us that his cousin worked at the concession stand there and would hook us up. I kind of just laughed, but when we first arrived and went to get food, he found his cousin and said, "this is my n---a and his family, so be nice to them." Other white people near us gave us a look and I was embarrassed, but I have no right to control or correct his speech when out in public. I'm not his parent.