How to handle, son with black friends that use the 'n word'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

This is spot on.

Agreed. My son is 17, but is also on a basketball team that is predominately black. The kids he's friends with have even told him he can use the N-word (apparently, there's a difference when there's an "a" at the end as opposed to an "er") with them, but we told him that he should not use that term (in any spelling or format), even if his friends say it's ok.

Same. We told our son that he cannot say it with an a on the end, even if his friends tell him he can, even if his other white friends use it. It's not a word we allow in our house, in any form.

His friends also know that it's not a word we allow in our house and they try to be mindful of not saying it. Not saying it doesn't happen, but now not every other word out of their mouths isn't 'n---a.' I felt I had a right to ask his friends not to use that word when in my house. I don't feel like I have the right to ask his friends not to post pictures or tag my son in pictures and use that word. I also can't control what they say when we're out in public together. One of his black friends went with us to a Nats game a few weeks ago and told us that his cousin worked at the concession stand there and would hook us up. I kind of just laughed, but when we first arrived and went to get food, he found his cousin and said, "this is my n---a and his family, so be nice to them." Other white people near us gave us a look and I was embarrassed, but I have no right to control or correct his speech when out in public. I'm not his parent.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I literally cringed when I read this.
You and I must be very different parents, I damn sure would have pulled him aside and told him that was not acceptable. First of all it was bad manners, and just uncouth. Who in the hell introduces a family like that? I would not have hesitated for a second to have a "conversation" with that young man. 'Hey, Johnny, there is a way to speak casually around our friends, things we do and say that we don't do in the presence of adults and in more formal settings. When you are introducing someone you say 'this is so and so and his parents Miss Donna and his brother Boris'. It sounds more mannerable, and shows you have the home training, I know your parents gave you.
You don't say 'this is my n*** chuck and his fam'. So next time, think about the situation and what is the appropriate way to come off'.
But, maybe that's just me.
If a kid is under my supervision and out with my family, I feel like I have a right to certain aspects of discipline and rule keeping, but maybe that is just me and my friends and their kids.
Plus, I'm the kind of person who tends to try to 'mother' or mentor kids, give them advice about what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Heck, the other day I told some kids on the Metro to stop picking on their friend. And I certainly hope people do the same for my kids if they are under their supervision and need some 'act right' or refining.
See I grew up in an era when your folks knew what you did BEFORE you got back home and you likely heard about your bad behaviour before you hit the doorstep.
It's sad we see so much of the attitude of, 'not my kid, not my problem'. All kids need support and guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

This is spot on.

Agreed. My son is 17, but is also on a basketball team that is predominately black. The kids he's friends with have even told him he can use the N-word (apparently, there's a difference when there's an "a" at the end as opposed to an "er") with them, but we told him that he should not use that term (in any spelling or format), even if his friends say it's ok.

Same. We told our son that he cannot say it with an a on the end, even if his friends tell him he can, even if his other white friends use it. It's not a word we allow in our house, in any form.

His friends also know that it's not a word we allow in our house and they try to be mindful of not saying it. Not saying it doesn't happen, but now not every other word out of their mouths isn't 'n---a.' I felt I had a right to ask his friends not to use that word when in my house. I don't feel like I have the right to ask his friends not to post pictures or tag my son in pictures and use that word. I also can't control what they say when we're out in public together. One of his black friends went with us to a Nats game a few weeks ago and told us that his cousin worked at the concession stand there and would hook us up. I kind of just laughed, but when we first arrived and went to get food, he found his cousin and said, "this is my n---a and his family, so be nice to them." Other white people near us gave us a look and I was embarrassed, but I have no right to control or correct his speech when out in public. I'm not his parent.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I literally cringed when I read this.
You and I must be very different parents, I damn sure would have pulled him aside and told him that was not acceptable. First of all it was bad manners, and just uncouth. Who in the hell introduces a family like that? I would not have hesitated for a second to have a "conversation" with that young man. 'Hey, Johnny, there is a way to speak casually around our friends, things we do and say that we don't do in the presence of adults and in more formal settings. When you are introducing someone you say 'this is so and so and his parents Miss Donna and his brother Boris'. It sounds more mannerable, and shows you have the home training, I know your parents gave you.
You don't say 'this is my n*** chuck and his fam'. So next time, think about the situation and what is the appropriate way to come off'.
But, maybe that's just me.
If a kid is under my supervision and out with my family, I feel like I have a right to certain aspects of discipline and rule keeping, but maybe that is just me and my friends and their kids.
Plus, I'm the kind of person who tends to try to 'mother' or mentor kids, give them advice about what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Heck, the other day I told some kids on the Metro to stop picking on their friend. And I certainly hope people do the same for my kids if they are under their supervision and need some 'act right' or refining.
See I grew up in an era when your folks knew what you did BEFORE you got back home and you likely heard about your bad behaviour before you hit the doorstep.
It's sad we see so much of the attitude of, 'not my kid, not my problem'. All kids need support and guidance.

To be clear, I cringed when I read what the kid said!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised how many people here think they can control the language of other people's children, or that this one kid on the team can control the language of his friends. Teen life isn't that way.

I'm glad your son found a team with boys he enjoys. That doesn't always happen but is great fun when it does.

Who is controlling the language of his friends? I can control how my kid is posted/tagged/captioned on social media, I can also be very clear about what is acceptable language and/or behaviour in my home or in my presence.
Yes, teens push boundaries and make mistakes or do things we do not like, but that does not mean you do not establish/standards/rules, that's b.s.

I can establish rules for my house. I can establish rules for my child. I cannot do the same for other people's children and do not want to. Most of my son's time is spent outside of my little world now, as is the OP's child outside of hers. It seems silly to suggest that this child become the arbiter of proper speech with his friends or pick new ones. Life is full of shades of gray and these seem to be nice kids.

I am not really disagreeing with you in general. What I am saying is the OP has the right to tell her kids to tell his friends to UNTAG him. We all have a right to control how we are used on social media. And it bears repeating that I can certainly control what happens in my home, abide by my rules or leave. I am sure they are all great kids, and as we have all said, teens push boundaries, but as adults, there are times we have to push back and there are ways to do that gently but firmly.

And I'm saying if it were my kid, and these were nice kids, I would want him to never use this word himself, but not do anything to harm the friendship. This issue would never come up if all his friends looked like us, were raised like us, and shared a faith - but this kid is better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised how many people here think they can control the language of other people's children, or that this one kid on the team can control the language of his friends. Teen life isn't that way.

I'm glad your son found a team with boys he enjoys. That doesn't always happen but is great fun when it does.

Who is controlling the language of his friends? I can control how my kid is posted/tagged/captioned on social media, I can also be very clear about what is acceptable language and/or behaviour in my home or in my presence.
Yes, teens push boundaries and make mistakes or do things we do not like, but that does not mean you do not establish/standards/rules, that's b.s.

I can establish rules for my house. I can establish rules for my child. I cannot do the same for other people's children and do not want to. Most of my son's time is spent outside of my little world now, as is the OP's child outside of hers. It seems silly to suggest that this child become the arbiter of proper speech with his friends or pick new ones. Life is full of shades of gray and these seem to be nice kids.

I am not really disagreeing with you in general. What I am saying is the OP has the right to tell her kids to tell his friends to UNTAG him. We all have a right to control how we are used on social media. And it bears repeating that I can certainly control what happens in my home, abide by my rules or leave. I am sure they are all great kids, and as we have all said, teens push boundaries, but as adults, there are times we have to push back and there are ways to do that gently but firmly.

And I'm saying if it were my kid, and these were nice kids, I would want him to never use this word himself, but not do anything to harm the friendship. This issue would never come up if all his friends looked like us, were raised like us, and shared a faith - but this kid is better than that.

Wow, you don't give these nice kids much credit. Your kid never tells his friends, hey my folks won't let me do this, or that?
His friendships are that fragile? As black person I most certainly do not equate the use of the word 'nigger' to that of a faith - Lordt NO.