How to handle, son with black friends that use the 'n word'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

And you make the rules?

Nobody with class uses the word nigger in casual conversation.

But you can keep using it and we will view you as trash.

Apparently, this includes you. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

This is spot on.

Agreed. My son is 17, but is also on a basketball team that is predominately black. The kids he's friends with have even told him he can use the N-word (apparently, there's a difference when there's an "a" at the end as opposed to an "er") with them, but we told him that he should not use that term (in any spelling or format), even if his friends say it's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are black-- they can say that word however they want to use it. Your family is white – you may not use it. It's pretty easy to explain--people can use terms referencing their own culture that outsiders may not.

And you make the rules?

Nobody with class uses the word nigger in casual conversation.

But you can keep using it and we will view you as trash.

Kids aren't necessarily known for their class and restraint. Fortunately, with guidance. time, and maturity, most of them grow up and act better.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why people get so confused about who can use the N-word and who cannot. Let's use B*tch as an example. I see many posts, TV shows, etc. where women call each other a b*tch (as friend or foe), just like black folks use the N-word. However, if a man were to call any woman a b*tch, it would be looked at totally different.

There are similar situations (not including the historical context) where one group of people can use a word and another cannot.

[Anonymous]

"Are there any words that white people can sling around with abandon yet black people are forbidden to say?"

Yes, "Screw you officer!"

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not quite sure how the n-word is being used in relation to your son by his friends.

But I think he is within his rights to request of them that they not tag him in any photos that has the n-word as a caption, "To avoid misinterpretation" or linking him to the use of the n-word. Put the blame on other people who know him and will see it when they tag the photo with his name. Just ask his friends to untag him if they are using the n-word again "to avoid any misunderstanding".

[Anonymous]

If they are nice kids and he asks nicely (or you do -- or he could say "My parents don't allow me to be tagged in photos with that word" -- they should understand. Rules for use of the n- word are different for whites than for blacks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an African American mom. My opinion is by no means monolithic, but my kids preteen to young adult and the kids of my family and friends don't use that word on social media. I can't say they never utter it at all, but they seem to pretty quickly hop on people who do, so I suspect they don't use it. My stepson actually wrote a paper about the word being unacceptable outside of historical contexts. I don't know any middle class AA families where casual use of the n word by youths or adults is acceptable.

I don't think there's a nice use of the word.

I wouldn't soften its use for my son in your shoes or argue that it's okay to like a post that uses it.

I think it goes beyond a white person not just appropriating the word. There is something problematic for me in his comfort in his friends using it.

Thank you for establishing that blacks are not a monolith and while black people share the same scarred history and share the same sympathies with regard to the horrors of slavery, black people still are individuals above all else with individual familiarities with their own individual environments and individual perspectives from their own individual experiences.

So having said that, I am of the opinion that when it comes to the n-word, I'm not going to order black people how to interpret it or confine black people in how they're allowed to use it. Black people aren't servants to be told what to think or slaves to be shackled and held against their will anymore. There were many black people who fought tooth and nail and many who fight to this day to eliminate that word from existence and I respect their fight. But there are just as many black people who opted to embrace that word to eliminate its sting and redefined that word rather than wait for it to die out and as respect their stance as well. I'm not going to disrespect either faction.
Black people have endured too much for too long for that one simple thing - respect.

Calm down
No one is telling black folk what to do
There are things you can tell kids that you don't want to hear!!
These are kids not 25 yr old men.
You can tell kids there are things you don't want said in your presence , your house or plastered under your kid's pic on social media .
So thanks for respecting that ??
AA Parent

I worry about butting into a teenagers relationship and ruining what I think are good friends for him. If I bring this up with the kids' parents, they'll probably say something to their sons about taking the caption or pic down but my fear is then they'll slowly drift away from my son because they might feel like 'oh we can't be ourselves around larlo' etc.

PP to whom you are responding. You are trying to considerate and understanding which is awesome, but don't overthink it.
I control my kids' images on social media. I tell my kid to not send pics, videos, etc. that people can use any way THEY deem fit.
To me, this instance would be the same would be the same as someone posting profanity on my kid's pics, period!
I'm a black parent and I would tell my black kids to tell their friends to not tag them with that caption. " Dude, you know my mom is a trip, you need to untag me. She doesn't like that word and is threatening to shut down my instagram(take my phone, whatever)'
Put it on you.
They are probably great kids, but sometimes they do things you do not like. That's what kids do. Black or White, or Korea, Dominican....

[Anonymous]

The way this discussion has twisted and turned is why self-segregation occurs. Why can't everyone not use extremely offensive words, especially ones that have been used against racial groups, women, gays?

And I can hear the response - "my son can say whatever he wants wherevere he wants and you can just keep your lily-white boy away" - but what does that get us as an overall society? Economic and educational parity? Political understanding? Empathy?

SMH - it all seems hopeless sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way this discussion has twisted and turned is why self-segregation occurs. Why can't everyone not use extremely offensive words, especially ones that have been used against racial groups, women, gays?

And I can hear the response - "my son can say whatever he wants wherevere he wants and you can just keep your lily-white boy away" - but what does that get us as an overall society? Economic and educational parity? Political understanding? Empathy?

SMH - it all seems hopeless sometimes.

Then what is hopeless is your lack of understanding nuanced, complicated issues and common sense.

Thanks Tho!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way this discussion has twisted and turned is why self-segregation occurs. Why can't everyone not use extremely offensive words, especially ones that have been used against racial groups, women, gays?

And I can hear the response - "my son can say whatever he wants wherevere he wants and you can just keep your lily-white boy away" - but what does that get us as an overall society? Economic and educational parity? Political understanding? Empathy?

SMH - it all seems hopeless sometimes.

Then what is hopeless is your lack of understanding nuanced, complicated issues and common sense.

Thanks Tho!

Not everyone is as self-confident as you about their understanding of "nuanced, complicated issues and common sense" as you must be.

[Anonymous]

OP, why not tell your kid that you are uncomfortable with it, explain why, and let him take it from there? This is a good time for him to start learning how to handle things on his own...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP to whom you are responding. You are trying to considerate and understanding which is awesome, but don't overthink it.
I control my kids' images on social media. I tell my kid to not send pics, videos, etc. that people can use any way THEY deem fit.
To me, this instance would be the same would be the same as someone posting profanity on my kid's pics, period!
I'm a black parent and I would tell my black kids to tell their friends to not tag them with that caption. " Dude, you know my mom is a trip, you need to untag me. She doesn't like that word and is threatening to shut down my instagram(take my phone, whatever)'
Put it on you.
They are probably great kids, but sometimes they do things you do not like. That's what kids do. Black or White, or Korea, Dominican....

This is pretty good advice. My kid is white, and he plays on teams with and is friends with mostly AA kids. I would be uncomfortable with him being tagged in a photo with that caption. Not because I have anything to say about how/when/why AA people use that word, but because I'd be concerned that someone might mistakenly think that my kid had posted that, which would not be OK.

Also, FWIW, OP, you will soon be getting into the world of college sports recruiting, and that's not smart stuff to have out there for that reason. I know recruiters/coaches have seen worse, but why take a chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way this discussion has twisted and turned is why self-segregation occurs. Why can't everyone not use extremely offensive words, especially ones that have been used against racial groups, women, gays?

And I can hear the response - "my son can say whatever he wants wherevere he wants and you can just keep your lily-white boy away" - but what does that get us as an overall society? Economic and educational parity? Political understanding? Empathy?

SMH - it all seems hopeless sometimes.

Then what is hopeless is your lack of understanding nuanced, complicated issues and common sense.

Thanks Tho!

Too flip and a very lame response. If you've got a point to make besides and insult, make it. Otherwise, this sort of response serves no purpose whatsoever. NP here, btw. I'm following this discussion but see very few helpful or instructive responses here. While I fall into the "you're just not allowed to say it" camp and that's what I tell my DD (who is too young to fully grasp all of the reasons why) simply dismissing the opposite views or people who aren't as "nuanced" as you purport to be is a really ineffective tool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way this discussion has twisted and turned is why self-segregation occurs. Why can't everyone not use extremely offensive words, especially ones that have been used against racial groups, women, gays?

And I can hear the response - "my son can say whatever he wants wherevere he wants and you can just keep your lily-white boy away" - but what does that get us as an overall society? Economic and educational parity? Political understanding? Empathy?

SMH - it all seems hopeless sometimes.

Then what is hopeless is your lack of understanding nuanced, complicated issues and common sense.

Thanks Tho!

Too flip and a very lame response. If you've got a point to make besides and insult, make it. Otherwise, this sort of response serves no purpose whatsoever. NP here, btw. I'm following this discussion but see very few helpful or instructive responses here. While I fall into the "you're just not allowed to say it" camp and that's what I tell my DD (who is too young to fully grasp all of the reasons why) simply dismissing the opposite views or people who aren't as "nuanced" as you purport to be is a really ineffective tool.

I was responding to a flip, nonsensical comment and responded in kind.
Yet, you added no explanation or further "nuance" that you accuse me of not providing(as if that was my obligation).
But just for giggles, how about this:

I have little patience for people who have no understanding of why they cannot do everything that other people do.
While there is room for copious debate among AA people about the context, historical and current implications, impact and validity of the usage of the word "nigger",
that debate is NO WHERE insinuated, inferred, or otherwise present in a comment squarely and solely centered in the "if you can, so can I" perspective.
There are things that SOME Jewish people MAY do or say that is an element of their cultural/ethnic/religious commonalities and the relationships thereof.
The same may be said of Vietnamese people or gay and transgendered people.
Hell! There are things that you say or do with your spouse that are solely and unequivocally a privilege of the relationship that you two have.
I DON'T GET TO, NOR DO I WANT TO have that same privilege.
That is your relationship, that is their kinship, let them HAVE IT.
I don't need to do what everyone else is doing in order to feel valued, valuable or acknowleged.
In a nutshell, 'Everything AIN'T for 'erebody'. And if you cannot comprehend that, then, as the old folks say, "I can show you better than I can tell you"