How much disrespect is enough?

[Anonymous]

I am an Ivy educated black girl engaged to a white guy. I come from a good UMC family and was raised with doting parents who taught me to love and respect myself. I do not have some leftover trauma from childhood issues or daddy issues that I am aware of. I think I am in my situation because I feel blindly in love with a white man.

I met him and fell madly in love. I thought he was everything I wanted in a guy. He took more than a year to introduce me to his family and friends. This was because his family was appalled that he was dating a black girl. When I inquired about it he shamefully admitted that his family is racist and he does not want me to be subjected to them. Naively I said they're racist because they don't know me. I am nothing like the negative stereotypes of black people some people have. I finally meet his family and it is a disaster. They could not mask the fact that they were unhappy and uncomfortable. They asked me ignorant questions and made offensive generalizations. I felt interrogated and his mother even said she did not understand how our future would work.

I left the first encounter reeling but my boyfriend made me feel better. I meet them twice a year. Each encounter is awkward and humiliating. His mother dotes on every other white girl in the room and refers to them as her daughter and daughter in law but I am still supposed to call her "Mrs. X"; His sister looks at me like I am a worm and has never tried to talk or get to know me. I am always cut out of family pictures. If you look at their facebook you would never know that I have been dating their son for 4 years! We got engaged last year and they threw a fit. Since then they are ignoring our engagement or pretending its not happening. They did not throw us an engagement party or even a bridal shower.

I am so hurt and heart broken. I want to break my engagement. There is no way I can be with a family who disrespects me so much. IS THERE?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. You have to decide whether it's worth it or not. I know my aunt and uncle went through this (religion not race) and had a happy and lasting marriage. But only you can decide.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice, op, but I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. You have to decide whether it's worth it or not. I know my aunt and uncle went through this (religion not race) and had a happy and lasting marriage. But only you can decide.

BTW, in their case brother did support brother. Is there no one in your fiance's family who supports you two?

[Anonymous]

Instead of looking at this situation as a certain level or percentage of disrespect that will cause you to call off the relationship, I think it is more valuable to perhaps say to yourself you are in a situation in which you are not going to have a good relationship with your inlaws. How much disrespect really doesn't matter. The situation is not friendly. Decide whether that is okay for you.

[Anonymous]

I bet this thread will turn out to be a troll.

OP - you don't have to put up with any. you are NOT marrying his family. you are marrying him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. You have to decide whether it's worth it or not. I know my aunt and uncle went through this (religion not race) and had a happy and lasting marriage. But only you can decide.

I love this guy so much. He is not like his family; they have never really been kind to him either. His mother wanted a blonde athletic WASPY kid but instead got a dark haired skinny nerdy guy. She always dismisses him too.
I just am so tired of being disrespected and feeling like I am awful. I am a catch and have SO MUCH to offer the right family. I dont know if my love for him is strong enough to be constantly belittled by his family.

[Anonymous]

Your fiancee needs to deal with his family. I'm surprised he is putting you through this by having you around his family. He needs to make a choice...it's either you or them because both together doesn't seem like an option.

That's the test of true love and whether or not he is totally committed to you above all else.

[Anonymous]

Decide what is best for you. Is the man of your dreams willing to allow you to avoid his family? Ask him what happens when you have children. Sounds like he needs to decide what is more important his family or you, because sounds like he will be forced to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. You have to decide whether it's worth it or not. I know my aunt and uncle went through this (religion not race) and had a happy and lasting marriage. But only you can decide.

I love this guy so much. He is not like his family; they have never really been kind to him either. His mother wanted a blonde athletic WASPY kid but instead got a dark haired skinny nerdy guy. She always dismisses him too.
I just am so tired of being disrespected and feeling like I am awful. I am a catch and have SO MUCH to offer the right family. I dont know if my love for him is strong enough to be constantly belittled by his family.

Put another way: I don't know if his love for you is strong enough to stand up to (or leave) his family when they constantly belittle you.

[Anonymous]

The question is, is there something your fiance could do that would make this bearable for you, and if so will he do it? Like, would he support you if you said you dont want to be around them anymore unless they change their ways? Or would he loudly call them out on their rudeness and say you guys are leaving the house until they can be respectful?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, op. That sounds awful. In-laws can be rejecting for various reasons. The key is usually how your partner handles it. My mil no longer speaks to me (she suffers from a personality disorder), but the rest of the family is lovely. My dh handles his relationship with his mother, and I find it unfortunate that this is how it is, but I accept it. My SIL (dh's brother's wife) had a very hard time with our mil being so difficult, and literally spent years trying to make it different and I think she let it cause her a great deal of emotional pain.

I think you have to recognize they are unlikely to change (or at least accept this as a strong possibility) and figure out if you can live with that. And does your fiancé have your back? Is he supportive of you? For some people, the extended family relationship is important. If that's you, this may not be the right person to marry. But only you can make that decision for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decide what is best for you. Is the man of your dreams willing to allow you to avoid his family? Ask him what happens when you have children. Sounds like he needs to decide what is more important his family or you, because sounds like he will be forced to choose.

He's made his choice. The fact that he is still communicating with his family is a choice. OP is the one who now needs to make a choice.

[Anonymous]

Is there a feeling like you are together in this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The question is, is there something your fiance could do that would make this bearable for you, and if so will he do it? Like, would he support you if you said you dont want to be around them anymore unless they change their ways? Or would he loudly call them out on their rudeness and say you guys are leaving the house until they can be respectful?

As it is right now, my fiance wants to be around his family in limited doses. He himself I personally think is a victim of emotional abuse from when he was little. Like I said they do not have much respect for him either. But he is blinded by his love for his family and doesnt truly see it. So I leave it be. Its between them. He visits his family once in a few weeks (they are local). I feel its rude if I do not join him occasionally but mostly only see them Christmas and Thanksgiving. It sucks because I used to LOVE the holidays and now I dread them. They are polite enough now but we have too much history and baggage for me to truly ever feel comfortable and valued by them.