How much disrespect is enough?

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll, too. "Even though I'm black, I'm more cultured." Who says "even though I'm black" about themselves as if it would presume a lack of culture relative to white people? White people say, "even though she's black" to make someone sound exceptional and unusual in their experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question is, is there something your fiance could do that would make this bearable for you, and if so will he do it? Like, would he support you if you said you dont want to be around them anymore unless they change their ways? Or would he loudly call them out on their rudeness and say you guys are leaving the house until they can be respectful?

As it is right now, my fiance wants to be around his family in limited doses. He himself I personally think is a victim of emotional abuse from when he was little. Like I said they do not have much respect for him either. But he is blinded by his love for his family and doesnt truly see it. So I leave it be. Its between them. He visits his family once in a few weeks (they are local). I feel its rude if I do not join him occasionally but mostly only see them Christmas and Thanksgiving. It sucks because I used to LOVE the holidays and now I dread them. They are polite enough now but we have too much history and baggage for me to truly ever feel comfortable and valued by them.

You need to find another guy. He is not willing to leave his family (which is a lot to ask of him, and would likely end up causing him to resent you) and eventually you will begin to really resent him for not leaving them behind. Either way you will be entering a marriage that is doomed to fail.

[Anonymous]

Think about this OP. If you marry him, then have kids, are the grandkids going to be welcome or treated just like you?If he sees them weekly now on his own, are you going to be ok w/ him taking he kids to their house each week? What if they're treated differently? Is he going to cut-off his parents then? What is the line? I'm sorry these potential IL's sound awful. I wouldn't subject my kids to these people even if it was twice a year.

[Anonymous]

My MIL used to be very racist towards me. She now treats me with respect, though it's been rocky, and I don't think this outcome is likely for most others.

When my MIL was at her worst, I started making up reasons why I couldn't go to see her. We all knew that I was just refusing to see her. DH would go alone. I didn't see her for a few years, and I made peace with this. It was very hard on DH as he still loved his mother, even though he was very angry with her.

If someone is so racist as to dehumanize you, you don't owe them your presence. You don't have to be around them, and you don't have to feel guilty about it.

My husband and I have an amazing marriage, and I can't imagine missing out on all of this just because of his mother. But, only you know if you can deal with this and still be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

In your op, you said he admitted the reason he kept you from his family the first year of dating was because he said the family was rascist. But here he doesn't think they are. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

In your op, you said he admitted the reason he kept you from his family the first year of dating was because he said the family was rascist. But here he doesn't think they are. Which is it?

He admitted it then but lately since they are being polite he says they are no longer racist.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. My son is engaged to marry a black girl, and I haven't met her in person yet because they live 1,000 miles from us, but I talk to her every day on Facebook, she sends me pictures of them, and she already calls me "mom". I love her already. She is an amazing woman, and he is blessed to have met her. Your fiance's family do not know what they are missing out on because they can't see past the color of your skin. I cannot stand people like this. I get to meet my future daughter-in-law in a little over a week, and I cannot wait! She is already like a daughter to me. Your fiance needs to stand up to his family and tell them that he loves you and that they need to grow up and stop judging you and start seeing you for the beautiful person that you are.

[Anonymous]

I'd be very worried if you are planning to have kids with this guy. Then it is much harder to avoid them if they live close by. And they will probably not treat your kids well either. Good luck. There is no good choice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet this thread will turn out to be a troll.

OP - you don't have to put up with any. you are NOT marrying his family. you are marrying him.

This!

[Anonymous]

OP- been here done this. The one thing that worked for me is having my fiancés support and my family. You need to tell your family what is going on cause right now you are almost being gaslighted. He doesn't think they are racist when they obviously are and you haven't confided in you family about what is going on so you are going a little nuts.

Tell your family. Come what may you are going to need some family some where. If he doesn't put his foot down on his family and demand that they stop disrespecting you then you need to end this. Cause if he won't do it now, he won't do it later for your children and it will just get worst. If he does do that then you both can turn to the warm embrace of your family to support you. What you need right now is support, your not getting it from him and your family has no clue so you get nothing from them.

Your fiancé is the only one in a position to do something about his family. He has to either demand their respect and civility or he will step away from them. If his family loves him they will comply. You may have to check them several times and reiterate the demand and that is fine. If they say no to his demand then they have shown who they are and that they don't really have any love for him.

If he won't do this, you need to end this.

[Anonymous]

Your FI has basically shown you that it is more important to him that his family never be confronted on what is unacceptable behavior than it is for you to be treated with respect and consideration. That's pathetic on his part. Assuming you aren't a troll, I would show him this thread and have a real heart to heart. But you should definitely be prepared to walk away.

[Anonymous]

Walk away. It will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Your parents did not work so hard to raise a smart, lovely young woman to have you so disrespected. The man you love is allowing his family to mistreat you. This will not get better. Run.

[Anonymous]

OP, it makes me sick at heart to read what you wrote. You deserve better. Walk away now and find a man worthy of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- been here done this. The one thing that worked for me is having my fiancés support and my family. You need to tell your family what is going on cause right now you are almost being gaslighted. He doesn't think they are racist when they obviously are and you haven't confided in you family about what is going on so you are going a little nuts.

Tell your family. Come what may you are going to need some family some where. If he doesn't put his foot down on his family and demand that they stop disrespecting you then you need to end this. Cause if he won't do it now, he won't do it later for your children and it will just get worst. If he does do that then you both can turn to the warm embrace of your family to support you. What you need right now is support, your not getting it from him and your family has no clue so you get nothing from them.

Your fiancé is the only one in a position to do something about his family. He has to either demand their respect and civility or he will step away from them. If his family loves him they will comply. You may have to check them several times and reiterate the demand and that is fine. If they say no to his demand then they have shown who they are and that they don't really have any love for him.

If he won't do this, you need to end this.

This is OP.

They have become civil. But I am rattled due to their initial treatment of me. We are civil and polite when we meet and I do not say much as I just do not want drama and want out of there.