How much disrespect is enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

Damn! Your post made so much sense until I got to the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question is, is there something your fiance could do that would make this bearable for you, and if so will he do it? Like, would he support you if you said you dont want to be around them anymore unless they change their ways? Or would he loudly call them out on their rudeness and say you guys are leaving the house until they can be respectful?

As it is right now, my fiance wants to be around his family in limited doses. He himself I personally think is a victim of emotional abuse from when he was little. Like I said they do not have much respect for him either. But he is blinded by his love for his family and doesnt truly see it. So I leave it be. Its between them. He visits his family once in a few weeks (they are local). I feel its rude if I do not join him occasionally but mostly only see them Christmas and Thanksgiving. It sucks because I used to LOVE the holidays and now I dread them. They are polite enough now but we have too much history and baggage for me to truly ever feel comfortable and valued by them.

Would you two consider premarital counseling? It may help and it won't hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Clearly you ARE marrying down, why do you want this dude? Is he IVY educated? I'm just curious. OP, marriage is hard and if you continue with this guy, you have ready made reasons for an early divorce. And you should be talking with your family about this! Why are you hiding it? To hide it from them is a disservice to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Dude's parents are racists. OP is keeping her parents in the dark. When is the wedding and can I get an invite? That should be a guaranteed shit show!!! Maybe Andy Cohen can host the "After the Wedding" show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Clearly you ARE marrying down, why do you want this dude? Is he IVY educated? I'm just curious. OP, marriage is hard and if you continue with this guy, you have ready made reasons for an early divorce. And you should be talking with your family about this! Why are you hiding it? To hide it from them is a disservice to yourself.

OP.

He is yes. He makes a very good first impression. If you see him on the street you'd never know he grew up with so much dysfunction. He is also a good guy and treats me well all other times despite his family troubles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Clearly you ARE marrying down, why do you want this dude? Is he IVY educated? I'm just curious. OP, marriage is hard and if you continue with this guy, you have ready made reasons for an early divorce. And you should be talking with your family about this! Why are you hiding it? To hide it from them is a disservice to yourself.

OP.

He is yes. He makes a very good first impression. If you see him on the street you'd never know he grew up with so much dysfunction. He is also a good guy and treats me well all other times despite his family troubles.

Also I am SO embarrassed! My parents would be SO disappointed if they knew! I kind of made my bed. How did I not see the problems with this set up early on?

[Anonymous]

I'd be out already, OP. My MIL has said some mean and rude things to me (none of it racist and honestly, none of it is meant to be mean) and DH always is the one to step in and talk to her about it, without me having to ask him to.

If your fiance won't stick up for you, you're in for a very rough road if you stay with him and it's not one I would personally choose to travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Clearly you ARE marrying down, why do you want this dude? Is he IVY educated? I'm just curious. OP, marriage is hard and if you continue with this guy, you have ready made reasons for an early divorce. And you should be talking with your family about this! Why are you hiding it? To hide it from them is a disservice to yourself.

OP.

He is yes. He makes a very good first impression. If you see him on the street you'd never know he grew up with so much dysfunction. He is also a good guy and treats me well all other times despite his family troubles.

Also I am SO embarrassed! My parents would be SO disappointed if they knew! I kind of made my bed. How did I not see the problems with this set up early on?

Your bed is not made and you have your answer. Any situation where you have to state, "I am so embarrassed!" needs to be avoided.

[Anonymous]

My in laws are like this but they wouldn't like me no matter who I was. I married the golden child and I will never be good enough. We've been happily married for 5 years but his parents are a huge thorn in our marriage. Any fight we've ever had is about them. It puts my DH in a bad spot but he eventually said he would pick me over them and although I would never ask him to, its nice knowing that.

If you will see them regularly, do not marry this guy. If its limited contact and you are deeply in love, I think your marriage will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are like this but they wouldn't like me no matter who I was. I married the golden child and I will never be good enough. We've been happily married for 5 years but his parents are a huge thorn in our marriage. Any fight we've ever had is about them. It puts my DH in a bad spot but he eventually said he would pick me over them and although I would never ask him to, its nice knowing that.

If you will see them regularly, do not marry this guy. If its limited contact and you are deeply in love, I think your marriage will be fine.

A word of advice since you've only been married for 5 years: If you are having fights about your in laws now, they will only get more intense later. Eventually you will have to ask your DH to choose. I hope he meant what he said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are like this but they wouldn't like me no matter who I was. I married the golden child and I will never be good enough. We've been happily married for 5 years but his parents are a huge thorn in our marriage. Any fight we've ever had is about them. It puts my DH in a bad spot but he eventually said he would pick me over them and although I would never ask him to, its nice knowing that.

If you will see them regularly, do not marry this guy. If its limited contact and you are deeply in love, I think your marriage will be fine.

A word of advice since you've only been married for 5 years: If you are having fights about your in laws now, they will only get more intense later. Eventually you will have to ask your DH to choose. I hope he meant what he said.

Also, as parents get older, their needs get greater and having grand kids only brings them closer to your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I also think this is a troll.

But in case it isn't, OP, consider how your future in laws will treat your mixed race children. You might be able to tolerate the poor treatment, but how are you going to explain it to your kids? A pp said that you are marrying HIM, not his family. I disagree. You are going to be connected to these people for the rest of their lives, especially once you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Your fiancé needs to make a choice. It sounds like he too gets disrespected by his family which means you are in the same boat though you certainly take the brunt. Does he want you as his family or does he want them? He needs to tell them that unless they cut out the BS he will have limited if any contact with them. They need to make a choice, not you. If he is not willing to stand up to his family, then you have a choice to make.

[Anonymous]

When people show you who they are, believe them. Your family's fiance has treated you poorly because of your race. Your fiance doesn't stand up for you and makes excuses for his family. This will not change after marriage.