How much disrespect is enough?

[Anonymous]

I do have to say I am somewhat surprised at the notion that a family MUST throw a party or shower for an engaged couple. It wouldn't occur to my family to do either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going to echo the others - where is your finance in all this? When they disrespect you, what does he do? What does he say before/during/after these visits?

What will happen when kids come into the picture?

is there anyone on his side who accepts you?

If they won't accept you or your children together, is your finance prepared to step away entirely?

[Anonymous]

I see a lot of "shoulds" in your posts.

A family should throw a shower/party.

You should join him in seeing his hateful family because it would be rude not to.

They are now polite but you have too much baggage to feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of "shoulds" in your posts.

A family should throw a shower/party.

You should join him in seeing his hateful family because it would be rude not to.

They are now polite but you have too much baggage to feel comfortable.

I know. I was just raised to be polite and treat people well. I also really do not want to have a difficult relationship with my in laws. I NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined I would be in this scenario.

To be fair they have calmed down/ resigned to the fact that I do not seem to be going anywhere. So they are being polite/less inflammatory. But...I now KNOW how they truly feel. And I am constantly on edge and uncomfortable around them. I also do not like them to be frank.

[Anonymous]

"Naively I said they're racist because they don't know me. I am nothing like the negative stereotypes of black people some people have. I finally meet his family and it is a disaster."

Sorry OP, a racist is a racist. I'm an Ivy educated black and I know that won't get me anywhere with someone who is a racist. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all the "other stuff" counteracts your blackness. Racists don't deal with exceptions to the rule...to them, you are no different than a homeless crackhead with 7 kids. Sorry but that's how it works.

If your fiancee isn't willing to move on without his family, then you have your answer. His parents' views aren't going to change.

[Anonymous]

Girl, drop this loser. If all of this has happened, and you are still with him, then I think you do have some unresolved self esteem issues. You are trying to make yourself worthy of a white guy's love. Have you told your family about this? A man will always choose his family (white, black or green) and if he has not walked away from them by now for you, he never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Naively I said they're racist because they don't know me. I am nothing like the negative stereotypes of black people some people have. I finally meet his family and it is a disaster."

Sorry OP, a racist is a racist. I'm an Ivy educated black and I know that won't get me anywhere with someone who is a racist. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all the "other stuff" counteracts your blackness. Racists don't deal with exceptions to the rule...to them, you are no different than a homeless crackhead with 7 kids. Sorry but that's how it works.

If your fiancee isn't willing to move on without his family, then you have your answer. His parents' views aren't going to change.

I don't think asking someone to abandon his family is fair. You can limit your own interactions, you can limit your future children's interactions. But telling the fiance he can't have contact with his own parents? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Naively I said they're racist because they don't know me. I am nothing like the negative stereotypes of black people some people have. I finally meet his family and it is a disaster."

Sorry OP, a racist is a racist. I'm an Ivy educated black and I know that won't get me anywhere with someone who is a racist. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all the "other stuff" counteracts your blackness. Racists don't deal with exceptions to the rule...to them, you are no different than a homeless crackhead with 7 kids. Sorry but that's how it works.

If your fiancee isn't willing to move on without his family, then you have your answer. His parents' views aren't going to change.

I don't think asking someone to abandon his family is fair. You can limit your own interactions, you can limit your future children's interactions. But telling the fiance he can't have contact with his own parents? No.

Nobody said abandon his family. I said move on without his family...as in create his own family with her. However, given their treatment of him AND her, abandoning might be the best option.

[Anonymous]

Op, if he's always been the rejected "black sheep" of the family, your race may be their current excuse for not liking you, but it probably would have been that way no matter who you are. Is one of his siblings "the golden child"? You're not going to fix a dysfunctional family, and they're not going to change. At a minimum, you should go through some pre-marital counseling with him, and have some serious heart to heart conversations about your expectations for family interactions once you are married and there are kids. If he's always been rejected by his family, don't discount how familiar that dynamic is for him, and how much he may want their approval in the future. Talking this through with a neutral third party could be helpful for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Naively I said they're racist because they don't know me. I am nothing like the negative stereotypes of black people some people have. I finally meet his family and it is a disaster."

Sorry OP, a racist is a racist. I'm an Ivy educated black and I know that won't get me anywhere with someone who is a racist. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all the "other stuff" counteracts your blackness. Racists don't deal with exceptions to the rule...to them, you are no different than a homeless crackhead with 7 kids. Sorry but that's how it works.

If your fiancee isn't willing to move on without his family, then you have your answer. His parents' views aren't going to change.

I don't think asking someone to abandon his family is fair. You can limit your own interactions, you can limit your future children's interactions. But telling the fiance he can't have contact with his own parents? No.

This is OP.

I don't know if this is right but this is how I feel as well. I do not at present expect him to abandon his family because of me. I don't care if he has a relationship with them its just...I am slowly distancing myself. I just...feel that everything over the past few years has taken its toll and I do not particularly care for being polite much anymore...

As for my family. They live in Chicago. He has met them a few times. I have not told them about his family's racism as I know that if I do my parents will tell me to drop him. They would rather die than have anyone treat their daughter with so much disregard.

It is actually why I am having trouble setting a date. I am certain his parents will be rude/awkward to my parents upon meeting and I am terrified!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Naively I said they're racist because they don't know me. I am nothing like the negative stereotypes of black people some people have. I finally meet his family and it is a disaster."

Sorry OP, a racist is a racist. I'm an Ivy educated black and I know that won't get me anywhere with someone who is a racist. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all the "other stuff" counteracts your blackness. Racists don't deal with exceptions to the rule...to them, you are no different than a homeless crackhead with 7 kids. Sorry but that's how it works.

If your fiancee isn't willing to move on without his family, then you have your answer. His parents' views aren't going to change.

I am not sure that all people with various degrees of racial intolerance act the same as racists. I too am an Ivy educated married to a white woman from a middle-class family. Initially they were not accepting of our relationship and then marriage. I did not let it bother me and felt as if it were their loss. As time went on, we had kids, intolerances softened to the point where my ILs visit us several times a year and call me for medical advice (I am a physician). I remember the previous reactions, but I let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Naively I said they're racist because they don't know me. I am nothing like the negative stereotypes of black people some people have. I finally meet his family and it is a disaster."

Sorry OP, a racist is a racist. I'm an Ivy educated black and I know that won't get me anywhere with someone who is a racist. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all the "other stuff" counteracts your blackness. Racists don't deal with exceptions to the rule...to them, you are no different than a homeless crackhead with 7 kids. Sorry but that's how it works.

If your fiancee isn't willing to move on without his family, then you have your answer. His parents' views aren't going to change.

I am not sure that all people with various degrees of racial intolerance act the same as racists. I too am an Ivy educated married to a white woman from a middle-class family. Initially they were not accepting of our relationship and then marriage. I did not let it bother me and felt as if it were their loss. As time went on, we had kids, intolerances softened to the point where my ILs visit us several times a year and call me for medical advice (I am a physician). I remember the previous reactions, but I let it go.

I'm the poster who talked about the religious intolerance with my aunt & uncle and this is what happened in their marriage eventually.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, how awful. I would not fault you if you decided to bail on this relationship. However, it sounds like you love this man, so maybe the answer is to agree on some boundaries. If you wanted to stop attending his family events (or maybe give him one per year), I think that would be reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Naively I said they're racist because they don't know me. I am nothing like the negative stereotypes of black people some people have. I finally meet his family and it is a disaster."

Sorry OP, a racist is a racist. I'm an Ivy educated black and I know that won't get me anywhere with someone who is a racist. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all the "other stuff" counteracts your blackness. Racists don't deal with exceptions to the rule...to them, you are no different than a homeless crackhead with 7 kids. Sorry but that's how it works.

If your fiancee isn't willing to move on without his family, then you have your answer. His parents' views aren't going to change.

I am not sure that all people with various degrees of racial intolerance act the same as racists. I too am an Ivy educated married to a white woman from a middle-class family. Initially they were not accepting of our relationship and then marriage. I did not let it bother me and felt as if it were their loss. As time went on, we had kids, intolerances softened to the point where my ILs visit us several times a year and call me for medical advice (I am a physician). I remember the previous reactions, but I let it go.

Not to belittle your comment but being accepted as an Ivy League educated physician is a bit different than getting over the racist stereotypes that OP's future inlaws have of black women.