Can't wait to change my surname, but notice many women keeping theirs, is there a reason for this trend?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted us to be a family and not someone who's git the foot out of the door. Yes, my husband wouldn't have changed his, but we're not the same and we show love in different ways. Women who keep their nane because "men do too" simply don't get that.

Sounds like your husband isnt as committed to your family if he wasnt willing to give up something as dumb as a name. Guess he must already have one foot out the door. Poor you.

He is, but as I said, men and women show commitment differently. He provides for the family which is a big responsibility.

Ugh what an awful life for him, just a cog in that capitalist machine. Too bad you literally couldn't survive without him doing so. Why are you such a hypocrite?

This is the dumbest statement I’ve read in awhile. You clearly don’t know what the words “literally” or “survive” mean.

Yes dear, the very survival of this woman (and I suppose the entire human race) is literally dependent upon middle managers and powerpoint presentations. LOL

Funny that you mention this. I know someone who was married to a middle manager. He made around 90 to 110k and she was a SAHM. She had a degree, but stopped using it as soon as the child was born. She lived with him in an apartment he purchased before marriage and he fed her and their children for 9 years or so. Then they had a nasty divorce and he managed to hide many of his assets. She got very little after divorce and her degree was useless after so many years. She relies on meagre government help and whatever her family, who doesn't have much more money either, can provide. She also spent more than a year couch surfing and using family shelters. "Literally" and "survive" fit pretty well given the context.

Oh, so she’s dead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your husband's name in marriage offers a harmonious blend of tradition, practicality, and symbolism, outweighing the potential drawbacks for many couples. This choice, as exemplified by influential women like Hillary Clinton and Melinda Gates, demonstrates that adopting your husband's surname doesn't hinder professional growth or personal identity; rather, it can complement and enrich them.

One of the standout advantages is the ease it brings to international travel, particularly in customs and immigration processes. Families sharing the same surname often experience smoother and quicker procedures, a significant benefit in today's globalized world. This commonality in the family name simplifies the identification process, especially useful when traveling with children.

In daily life, having the same surname as your spouse and children can streamline administrative tasks related to schooling, medical care, and legal matters. It removes the need for additional documentation to prove family relationships, making these often routine yet crucial tasks more straightforward.

Beyond practicalities, adopting your husband's surname symbolizes the unity and commitment within a marriage. It fosters a strong sense of family identity and belonging, reinforcing the familial bonds. This symbolic gesture is a powerful expression of the new life and journey you embark on together as a family.

In essence, the benefits of taking your husband's name — from smoother travel experiences and simplified daily logistics to the symbolic representation of family unity — significantly outweigh the cons. It's a choice that seamlessly blends tradition with modernity, allowing women to maintain their professional and personal identities while celebrating their marital bond and family unity.

Whoa. If you think all of these things are benefits, why not have your husband take your last name? Same benefits, but why is it almost always the wife who has to give up her family name? Do you not see how one-sided it is?

Not to mention, i didn't change my name and have not run into obstacles with any of these things. Our "journey as a family" has been just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are many understandable reasons for a woman to keep her maiden name after marriage. However, I’m not sure it’s “fighting the patriarchy” to choose your dad’s surname over your husband’s surname. They are both men.

No, you're choosing your father's name over your father's in law. If I was already given my father's, why should I go a step further and take yet another man's? This isn't a perfect way to fight the patriarchy but it's in a better direction than taking your father in law's surname.

No, it’s not. It’s literally nothing, that’s the point that more than one poster has been trying to make. It’s a meaningless gesture made by “feminists” who are too chickensh!t to actually fight the patriarchy. (Or by women who just don’t feel like it or like their maiden name - but those aren’t the women being judgmental in this thread…)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted us to be a family and not someone who's git the foot out of the door. Yes, my husband wouldn't have changed his, but we're not the same and we show love in different ways. Women who keep their nane because "men do too" simply don't get that.

Sounds like your husband isnt as committed to your family if he wasnt willing to give up something as dumb as a name. Guess he must already have one foot out the door. Poor you.

He is, but as I said, men and women show commitment differently. He provides for the family which is a big responsibility.

Ugh what an awful life for him, just a cog in that capitalist machine. Too bad you literally couldn't survive without him doing so. Why are you such a hypocrite?

This is the dumbest statement I’ve read in awhile. You clearly don’t know what the words “literally” or “survive” mean.

Yes dear, the very survival of this woman (and I suppose the entire human race) is literally dependent upon middle managers and powerpoint presentations. LOL

LOLOLOLOL where the f do you think the pay check comes from? How does he keep the lights on and food on the table? Oh right, those f-ing powerpoint presentations. GMAFB.

I get the impression that this is the same poster that keeps saying "you don't understand" and nitpicking the meanings of words used by other posters while never explaining their opinion. I think it's a troll.

Yes, dear. Anyone smarter and more thoughtful than you is clearly a troll. Go hand off Larla husband’s-surname to the underpaid immigrant nanny so you can get back to #girlbossing and *literally* ensuring your family’s very survival with your excellent corporate jargon skills…. Fight that patriarchy!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted us to be a family and not someone who's git the foot out of the door. Yes, my husband wouldn't have changed his, but we're not the same and we show love in different ways. Women who keep their nane because "men do too" simply don't get that.

Sounds like your husband isnt as committed to your family if he wasnt willing to give up something as dumb as a name. Guess he must already have one foot out the door. Poor you.

He is, but as I said, men and women show commitment differently. He provides for the family which is a big responsibility.

Ugh what an awful life for him, just a cog in that capitalist machine. Too bad you literally couldn't survive without him doing so. Why are you such a hypocrite?

This is the dumbest statement I’ve read in awhile. You clearly don’t know what the words “literally” or “survive” mean.

Yes dear, the very survival of this woman (and I suppose the entire human race) is literally dependent upon middle managers and powerpoint presentations. LOL

LOLOLOLOL where the f do you think the pay check comes from? How does he keep the lights on and food on the table? Oh right, those f-ing powerpoint presentations. GMAFB.

I get the impression that this is the same poster that keeps saying "you don't understand" and nitpicking the meanings of words used by other posters while never explaining their opinion. I think it's a troll.

Yes, dear. Anyone smarter and more thoughtful than you is clearly a troll. Go hand off Larla husband’s-surname to the underpaid immigrant nanny so you can get back to #girlbossing and *literally* ensuring your family’s very survival with your excellent corporate jargon skills…. Fight that patriarchy!

I have a 5 year old child. I spent the first two years with him at home and my husband spent the other three. 1 as a SAHD and the rest WFH. I currently manage an NGO that provides food, shelter and other services to people in need. What do you do?

The issue is that you don't sound either thoughtful or smart, you sound arrogant with minimal understanding about how our economic system works. Or you're a troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are many understandable reasons for a woman to keep her maiden name after marriage. However, I’m not sure it’s “fighting the patriarchy” to choose your dad’s surname over your husband’s surname. They are both men.

No, you're choosing your father's name over your father's in law. If I was already given my father's, why should I go a step further and take yet another man's? This isn't a perfect way to fight the patriarchy but it's in a better direction than taking your father in law's surname.

No, it’s not. It’s literally nothing, that’s the point that more than one poster has been trying to make. It’s a meaningless gesture made by “feminists” who are too chickensh!t to actually fight the patriarchy. (Or by women who just don’t feel like it or like their maiden name - but those aren’t the women being judgmental in this thread…)

You can finght the patriarchy AND keep your surname, not sure why you seem to think these are mutually exclusive. If keeping your name was actually seen as a meaningless gesture this thread wouldn't have been started in first place and the practice of actually changing your name wouldn't be so widespread among women, but not men.

[Anonymous]

Why would I give up my literal identity? I've had zero administrative or social problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted us to be a family and not someone who's git the foot out of the door. Yes, my husband wouldn't have changed his, but we're not the same and we show love in different ways. Women who keep their nane because "men do too" simply don't get that.

Sounds like your husband isnt as committed to your family if he wasnt willing to give up something as dumb as a name. Guess he must already have one foot out the door. Poor you.

He is, but as I said, men and women show commitment differently. He provides for the family which is a big responsibility.

Ugh what an awful life for him, just a cog in that capitalist machine. Too bad you literally couldn't survive without him doing so. Why are you such a hypocrite?

This is the dumbest statement I’ve read in awhile. You clearly don’t know what the words “literally” or “survive” mean.

Yes dear, the very survival of this woman (and I suppose the entire human race) is literally dependent upon middle managers and powerpoint presentations. LOL

Funny that you mention this. I know someone who was married to a middle manager. He made around 90 to 110k and she was a SAHM. She had a degree, but stopped using it as soon as the child was born. She lived with him in an apartment he purchased before marriage and he fed her and their children for 9 years or so. Then they had a nasty divorce and he managed to hide many of his assets. She got very little after divorce and her degree was useless after so many years. She relies on meagre government help and whatever her family, who doesn't have much more money either, can provide. She also spent more than a year couch surfing and using family shelters. "Literally" and "survive" fit pretty well given the context.

Oh, so she’s dead?

She would be if her parents, who also made their money with the help of corporations, or the government, rhat makes it's money by taxing corporations and individuals working for one didn't provide food and shelter. It's common sense that someone who doesn't eat eventually dies. It's also common sense that virtually all of us pay for food and shelter with corporate money. You're just an idiot or a troll.

[Anonymous]

My son and his wife merged names, keeping a portion of each last name, no hyphen - a new hybrid name. That way the whole family with kids all have the same last name and their name compromise was balanced. It was not a big deal to do even though more steps were involved in both of them changing to a new name.

[Anonymous]

I came from a spanish speaking country. My mother added my dad's surname to hers as a second surname. I have one surname from my dad and another one from my mom. So if my father is Larlo Smith and mom is Larla Jones de Smith, i'm Larlita Smith Jones. I kept that name after marriage.

I've never encountered administrative issues with my name. All the paperwork I had to complete asks to differentiate between my name and my surnames explicitely so nobody has messed up my passport or bank accounts because I have two surnames. Most of these paperwork doesn't even ask for my marital status and when it does it becomes to obvious that my husband and I don't share a surname, so there's no room for confusion. Admins aren't paid to enforce naming conventions, they're paid to work with whatever you write in the forms. All those issues that happen when you keep your name generally happen with nosy people who don't know their place, which shouldn't be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son and his wife merged names, keeping a portion of each last name, no hyphen - a new hybrid name. That way the whole family with kids all have the same last name and their name compromise was balanced. It was not a big deal to do even though more steps were involved in both of them changing to a new name.

This is obviously a tragedy. How will your nosy neighbors know that he is your son now that he changed his name?

[Anonymous]

I told my husband that I was planning to keep my name. He looked a bit hurt and asked me why. I told him: "for the same reason you don't want to change yours". That was the end of the discussion.

Changing your name isn't a big deal... unless you ask your husband to change his. That's why I don't like the practice.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Women should be independent and make decisions for themselves. Their choices are their own. Unless they choose something I disagree with, like taking their husband’s surname, and then they’re antiquated, stupid, and succumbing the patriarchy.

Being a feminist doesn't mean agreeing with every choice women make. I wouldn't lecture a friend for changing her name, butthe reality is that this is something tgat's only expected from women, never from men, and unlike many other choices, a name change after marriage is only a thing because of a sexist tradition, not because it's practical.

Maybe a woman just wants to do it. Not only should you not lecture a friend, you also shouldn’t think you’re entitled to an explanation or that there is an explanation. Some people just want to do it, others don’t. MYOB.

Friend, have you ever interrogated why so many women "just want to do it," and why virtually no men ever want to? The idea that everyone is making this decision in a vacuum, just "choosing their choice" is quite...naive.

+1
Yes, it's your choice, influenced by hundreds (thousands?) of years of patriarchy. Why people can't acknowledge that is beyond me.

Duh, and so what? Acknowledged. And still people can make that choice. Do you want to take away the choice because you don't like it now?

DP. Nobody wants to take your choice away, but this is a public board discussing name change after marriage. Some people people have a less than favorable opinion on this and they're expressing.

Women who have a strong opinion about this “issue” have a very shallow understanding of both feminism and patriarchy.

Keeping your last name is to fighting the patriarchy as banning plastic straws is to saving the environment.

(i.e. it’s a zero effort way to pretend you give a sh!t, but it’s ultimately a meaningless gesture)

There are many things I don't engage in because I find them sexist, not just name changing. Not doing anything other than keeping your own name is meaningless. Not keeping your name when keeping it is so easy while lecturing other women about feminism is rich.

Agree.
Also, while it may be a straw in a sea of patriarchy, in MY life, which I do have more control over, it's a huge deal

Exactly. I don't necessary care about feminism as a movement as my ability to influence society at large is nonexistent, but this is a big decision on a personal level.

It’s not a big decision, though. With the exception of a few weirdos in this very thread literally no one cares and it has zero importance to anyone or anything.

A big personal decision, for example, is choosing to leave your infant children with low paid daycare workers while you go back to your corporate job and earn some money for you and even more for “the man” because… that’s the feminist choice in your twisted worldview. Plus, not doing so would require actual sacrifice on your part and you’re not really prepared to do that.

If it's not a big decision, why don't men do it? Why it's only not a big deal when women have to change their surname?
Flash news: if you don't work a corporate job to stay home with your children, then your husband has to sacrifice his time with his children to provide for your lifestyle. The fact that you don't find this problematic says a lot about you. I personally know many couples who both have flexible jobs and raise their children as partners, not as provider and dependent.

Yes, feminism is BOTH parents sacrificing time with their children at the altar of capitalism. (I think the number of men who would be clamoring to be SAHD’s is on par with the number who want to take their wife’s last name, BTW. Have you ever met a man?)

Sorry, lady, you are too far gone. You have had the whole pitcher of kool-aid and there is zero chance your atrophied brain will ever comprehend that an egalitarian society should be the goal of feminism (rather than an “equal” society, which conveniently continues to center men and men’s interests as the “default” - so your type will continue to strive to be more like men while foolishly believing you’re feminists…)

My cousin and his wife are the ultimate feminists. None of them works because f--- capitalism. Their family pays for their apartment and they have plenty of time with their three children which consists of doing chores and sitting by their side when they watch tv and play with their phones. True anti-corporate feminism right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women should be independent and make decisions for themselves. Their choices are their own. Unless they choose something I disagree with, like taking their husband’s surname, and then they’re antiquated, stupid, and succumbing the patriarchy.

Being a feminist doesn't mean agreeing with every choice women make. I wouldn't lecture a friend for changing her name, butthe reality is that this is something tgat's only expected from women, never from men, and unlike many other choices, a name change after marriage is only a thing because of a sexist tradition, not because it's practical.

Maybe a woman just wants to do it. Not only should you not lecture a friend, you also shouldn’t think you’re entitled to an explanation or that there is an explanation. Some people just want to do it, others don’t. MYOB.

Friend, have you ever interrogated why so many women "just want to do it," and why virtually no men ever want to? The idea that everyone is making this decision in a vacuum, just "choosing their choice" is quite...naive.

+1
Yes, it's your choice, influenced by hundreds (thousands?) of years of patriarchy. Why people can't acknowledge that is beyond me.

Duh, and so what? Acknowledged. And still people can make that choice. Do you want to take away the choice because you don't like it now?

DP. Nobody wants to take your choice away, but this is a public board discussing name change after marriage. Some people people have a less than favorable opinion on this and they're expressing.

Women who have a strong opinion about this “issue” have a very shallow understanding of both feminism and patriarchy.

Keeping your last name is to fighting the patriarchy as banning plastic straws is to saving the environment.

(i.e. it’s a zero effort way to pretend you give a sh!t, but it’s ultimately a meaningless gesture)

There are many things I don't engage in because I find them sexist, not just name changing. Not doing anything other than keeping your own name is meaningless. Not keeping your name when keeping it is so easy while lecturing other women about feminism is rich.

Agree.
Also, while it may be a straw in a sea of patriarchy, in MY life, which I do have more control over, it's a huge deal

Exactly. I don't necessary care about feminism as a movement as my ability to influence society at large is nonexistent, but this is a big decision on a personal level.

It’s not a big decision, though. With the exception of a few weirdos in this very thread literally no one cares and it has zero importance to anyone or anything.

A big personal decision, for example, is choosing to leave your infant children with low paid daycare workers while you go back to your corporate job and earn some money for you and even more for “the man” because… that’s the feminist choice in your twisted worldview. Plus, not doing so would require actual sacrifice on your part and you’re not really prepared to do that.

If it's not a big decision, why don't men do it? Why it's only not a big deal when women have to change their surname?
Flash news: if you don't work a corporate job to stay home with your children, then your husband has to sacrifice his time with his children to provide for your lifestyle. The fact that you don't find this problematic says a lot about you. I personally know many couples who both have flexible jobs and raise their children as partners, not as provider and dependent.

Yes, feminism is BOTH parents sacrificing time with their children at the altar of capitalism. (I think the number of men who would be clamoring to be SAHD’s is on par with the number who want to take their wife’s last name, BTW. Have you ever met a man?)

Sorry, lady, you are too far gone. You have had the whole pitcher of kool-aid and there is zero chance your atrophied brain will ever comprehend that an egalitarian society should be the goal of feminism (rather than an “equal” society, which conveniently continues to center men and men’s interests as the “default” - so your type will continue to strive to be more like men while foolishly believing you’re feminists…)

My cousin and his wife are the ultimate feminists. None of them works because f--- capitalism. Their family pays for their apartment and they have plenty of time with their three children which consists of doing chores and sitting by their side when they watch tv and play with their phones. True anti-corporate feminism right there.

You seem like you came from a lower class family.

[Anonymous]

Every time I see this thread pop up, all I can think is, “who says ‘surname’?”