How to get through MIL visits

[Anonymous]

MIL is here staying with us and I just get so irritable when she does. I can feel it bubbling up but I can't seem to stop it from happening. She knows how to push my buttons and I don't know why, but I can never seem to stand up to her. She does it in passive aggressive ways, and it's always when DH isn't around to back me up. I know I'm probably overreacting but it's like a visceral reaction. It doesn't help that I'm supposed to get my period any day this time.

I've tried making plans or appointments for when she's here but both DH and MIL consider that to be rude. It's all togetherness all the time.

Any suggestions or tips for how to keep myself from feeling like this?

[Anonymous]

Don't let her see you react. Be direct. If she tuts over the kids watching TV, for example, just say to her- Marla, do you have something to say? If she makes a comment about you serving the kids almond milk, just repeat it back to her in the form of a question:

Marla- I never gave my children nuts so early! Almond milk?
You- oh, you don't think kids should have almond milk?

In fact, repeating back any comments to her in the form of a question can be very powerful. Do it with sincere interest, as if you're trying to understand what she's talking about. She will stop making comments when she said she can't get you to react

[Anonymous]

How long is she there? Maybe you can plan some activities like going to a movie, seeing a live theater performance, etc that would allow you to sit and gel for a while without having to interact for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Don't talk to DH or MIL getting their opinion on your schedule. If you'd like time for yourself, take it

[Anonymous]

Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

Why did they all need to go to drop off DS? I would be annoyed at DH.

[Anonymous]

When it comes to my MIL (who also has 27 million passive aggressive things to say) I alternate between playing deaf and saying "interesting, you should really discuss that with DH". No advice on your husband problem though, he's clearly being an @ss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL is here staying with us and I just get so irritable when she does. I can feel it bubbling up but I can't seem to stop it from happening. She knows how to push my buttons and I don't know why, but I can never seem to stand up to her. She does it in passive aggressive ways, and it's always when DH isn't around to back me up. I know I'm probably overreacting but it's like a visceral reaction. It doesn't help that I'm supposed to get my period any day this time.

I've tried making plans or appointments for when she's here but both DH and MIL consider that to be rude. It's all togetherness all the time.

Any suggestions or tips for how to keep myself from feeling like this?

A couple ways to deal with the passive-aggression: Repeat what she says, ideally to DH. "Honey, you need to hear what your mother just said" or to her, "Oh? You think x? Ok!" or "Oh? You think x? You'll need to talk with DH about that."

Also, tell DH flat out that if you're going to have a relationship with his mother *at all* you need breaks when she visits--which means he needs to defend that need to his mom. Tell him that her crappy comments are really hard to take, that you are tolerating her for his sake, so he had darn well better back you up.

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

I always go to lunch, shopping and spa day with my BFF when my MIL is visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

PP here just read the follow-up.

I would recommend that the day before she arrives, you sit down with DH and go over the schedule. Remind him that you're planning to do x, y, and z, and that he's covering whatever pick ups drop offs, etc. Remind him that his mother is primarily his responsibility, and that you are giving them some space so she can interact more with him and your son, presumably why she is here in the first place.

If you're feeling really petty (in other words, if he is being a real arse), remind him that one day with your MIL (say, 8 am to 8 pm) is equal to 3-4 evenings with your parents, which is...how often does he see them? Twice a month? However many weeks/months worth of time he spends. If you can make a time comparison like that in your favor, do it. Also? Tell him he can skip some visits with your family if he needs more time to himself. Offer that, rather than spend 24-7 with your MIL.

[Anonymous]

I think you all should get on a schedule and state your expectations of each other clearly before your mother-in-law comes to town. For example, sit down with your husband and say -- what are your expectations of me and time together with your mom when she is in town? Have him articulate where he wants you to be, and when. Then share what you need from him. You can negotiate a schedule up front that gives both of you some of what you want, so you can be on the same page in front of your mother-in-law and for each other.

[Anonymous]

I get migraines and take to my bed. I also have to work late. Sometimes I have doctors appointments, or get caught in traffic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

You need to just stop engaging with this, because it's ridiculous. Do you both always go pick up DS from school? I doubt it. Next time he calls, say "no, I'm going to be home at the normal time. Don't wait for me. If you want to wait for me, then it's on you." If he last minute tells you you have to stay home to wait for the contractor, say "no, I'm leaving right now or I'll be late for work." You really just need to work the word NO into your lexicon. You say you've had up front conversations with him about this, so have that conversation and then follow through. Leave the room. Go for a run. If they consider it rude, then they consider it rude. That's not really your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

I know this sounds crazy, but get it in writing. The next time she's scheduled to come, agree to your general schedule at least a week before she gets there. Then, e-mail that schedule to your husband, saying, "I just wanted to be sure this is what we agreed to, right? I'll be with you the whole time, except my hair appointment at 2 on Saturday and grocery shopping by myself after dinner on Sunday." That way, if it comes up and he gets worked up about your hair appointment, you point to the e-mail.

Announce, don't ask, that you are building time to yourself in every visit. "I'm taking this time to recharge my batteries. I have no problem with you creating similar alone time for yourself while my parents are here next month."