How to get through MIL visits

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think you're right about the introvert thing. I am definitely an introvert and work at a job where I have to be "on" all the time and even on a regular day I need time to decompress after work. So being expected not have any time to myself after work or on the weekend when she's here makes it even worse. I'll talk to DH after this visit. I also encourage DH to bring DS to see MIL on his own but he refuses. I don't think he wants to be the sole parent responsible for DS without me there. I don't know why--DS is almost 6.

There's also a whole effed up family dynamic there that is part of all of this too. I think I started a thread on that recently. SIL is icing me out, or something like that.

But tonight there will be wine, so at least there's that!

[Anonymous]

^^^OP, if you are this sensitive to how SIL and MIL react/respond to you, and what they do and say around you, then please know you will never get beyond this by LETTING GO of needing to please people.

They don't need to like you. They don't need to approve of every little thing you do and say. If MIL is going to be upset that you have a hair appointment during her visit, that's OK. If SIL is going to say shit about you behind your back, then that's her problem--she's a nasty person.

Now, they do need to respect you and be civil to you. If that's a problem, talk to DH and plan how you will address it.

[Anonymous]

Oh, gosh, you're the OP of the SIL icing? So, SIL thinks you should be visiting all the time? To heck with that.

Your ILs are a bit crazy, so you do what works for you, up to and including having fewer visits if DH refuses to go visit himself.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to drink more.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband at least a week or two ahead of time what your proposed schedule is. One "activity" or so a day with her, one dedicated meal with her or whatever...AND ONE HOUR TO YOURSELF inside the house, and one errand or whatever outside the house. Just spell it out. Say if there are any requests he would like to you consider, to let you know three days beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't let her see you react. Be direct. If she tuts over the kids watching TV, for example, just say to her- Marla, do you have something to say? If she makes a comment about you serving the kids almond milk, just repeat it back to her in the form of a question:

Marla- I never gave my children nuts so early! Almond milk?
You- oh, you don't think kids should have almond milk?

In fact, repeating back any comments to her in the form of a question can be very powerful. Do it with sincere interest, as if you're trying to understand what she's talking about. She will stop making comments when she said she can't get you to react

This is a wise poster!

[Anonymous]

I like reading these threads for advice on dealing with my mother. Luckily my inlaws are more normal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like reading these threads for advice on dealing with my mother. Luckily my inlaws are more normal!

How old are your inlaws? Do they come to visit you often? How long do they stay? Do they bring their own car and drive themselves around or do they expect you to shuttle them around?

I think that it is fairly normal for people to stop valuing alone time as they age. Maybe that's because they get more than there fair share of alone time as it is. Many want to be around their hosts constantly and for hosts used to having their own routines and being able to come and go as they please - having someone around and tagging along all the time can take some getting used to (if they ever do get used to it).

Younger guests tend to go out and run errands, go for jogs/walks and otherwise plan things for themselves to do. That isn't always the case but it is usually the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't let her see you react. Be direct. If she tuts over the kids watching TV, for example, just say to her- Marla, do you have something to say? If she makes a comment about you serving the kids almond milk, just repeat it back to her in the form of a question:

Marla- I never gave my children nuts so early! Almond milk?
You- oh, you don't think kids should have almond milk?

In fact, repeating back any comments to her in the form of a question can be very powerful. Do it with sincere interest, as if you're trying to understand what she's talking about. She will stop making comments when she said she can't get you to react

This is a wise poster!

My MIL is a piece of work. Since I adopted these practices, our relationship has improved dramatically!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Tonight will be the last night. I haven't been able to drink nearly as much as I'd like to, but I'm currently on a walk. Actually, I finished my walk about 15 minutes ago and am sitting on a park bench.

Usually when she's here I try not to bring too much work home but it was unavoidable this time and I was actually glad for the distraction. Every time I open my laptop she asks me if I really need to be doing that, and my boss can't really expect for me to work outside of work hours, right? Can't that wait until you're at work? . Meanwhile when DH or SIL do any work in her presence she makes sure we're all quiet as to not distract them from their important work.
I've explained that I do actually work outside of work hours but I've typically tried not to when we have guests. She is still making the comments.

UGH....

This is why we need to stick to our agreement of a 3 night maximum.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, Op. She sounds like a pill who doesn't respect you very much. It takes some might big kahunas to visit another person's home as a guest and then disrespect them like that.

It's good that you held your tongue and were civil to her. Definitely stick to the 3 day rule with that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

PP here just read the follow-up.

I would recommend that the day before she arrives, you sit down with DH and go over the schedule. Remind him that you're planning to do x, y, and z, and that he's covering whatever pick ups drop offs, etc. Remind him that his mother is primarily his responsibility, and that you are giving them some space so she can interact more with him and your son, presumably why she is here in the first place.

If you're feeling really petty (in other words, if he is being a real arse), remind him that one day with your MIL (say, 8 am to 8 pm) is equal to 3-4 evenings with your parents, which is...how often does he see them? Twice a month? However many weeks/months worth of time he spends. If you can make a time comparison like that in your favor, do it. Also? Tell him he can skip some visits with your family if he needs more time to himself. Offer that, rather than spend 24-7 with your MIL.

3 hours 4+ times a month isn't as grueling as 24/7 for 1 or more days. They have their own house to bath in, poop in, run a kitchen, etc. One guest we had stopped up toilets 5 times in 3 days. Bitched about a hole in a towel and us using paper towels over stuff in a microwave rather than a preferred product.

Then went on a lecture about me not wanting to invite estranged siblings [major ] to a wedding. And that's a relative on my side. Guest wasn't even a MIL-when she was alive she was easy and polite.

[Anonymous]

OP again asking for your opinion. This time it's a round of...is DH being clueless or vindictive?

I had a little meltdown yesterday to him when we were alone (not only did I just get my period but our dog has suddenly developed some scary health problems which has made me more emotional than normal) and explained that I just need a little time to myself each day. He also confided that he was getting annoyed with spending so much time with his mom as well.

Anyway, I've been doing things like going to bed early, doing laundry at various times during the day, showering at night etc. This is different than my typical routine. DH has been calling me out every time in front of his mom. If I say I'm tired and going to bed early he'll say "wow, Larla, you never go to bed before 11 on a weekend" or "Larla, what a treat that you're being so conscientious about laundry all of a sudden" or "Larla, that's a good idea to shower at night--if you make it a habit it might save you some time in the mornings."

He's making it very clear to MIL that all of these things are not my typical habits and I'm just trying to get away. I did tell him specifically that if I said I was going to do something that sounded weird to him that he should just go with the flow. However, this is the same man who, when I spell a word I don't want DS to understand, says the word out loud that I'm spelling.

What do you think--clueless or vindictive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again asking for your opinion. This time it's a round of...is DH being clueless or vindictive?

I had a little meltdown yesterday to him when we were alone (not only did I just get my period but our dog has suddenly developed some scary health problems which has made me more emotional than normal) and explained that I just need a little time to myself each day. He also confided that he was getting annoyed with spending so much time with his mom as well.

Anyway, I've been doing things like going to bed early, doing laundry at various times during the day, showering at night etc. This is different than my typical routine. DH has been calling me out every time in front of his mom. If I say I'm tired and going to bed early he'll say "wow, Larla, you never go to bed before 11 on a weekend" or "Larla, what a treat that you're being so conscientious about laundry all of a sudden" or "Larla, that's a good idea to shower at night--if you make it a habit it might save you some time in the mornings."

He's making it very clear to MIL that all of these things are not my typical habits and I'm just trying to get away. I did tell him specifically that if I said I was going to do something that sounded weird to him that he should just go with the flow. However, this is the same man who, when I spell a word I don't want DS to understand, says the word out loud that I'm spelling.

What do you think--clueless or vindictive?

He doesn't want to spend time with her, and he's projecting that onto you.

I swear to you, this is what I would do: Turn around, and very calmly and clearly say, "You are right, Jim, this is not my usual routine. I need some alone time to myself, and that's why I'm taking a shower and turning in early. Good night."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get migraines and take to my bed. I also have to work late. Sometimes I have doctors appointments, or get caught in traffic.

+1.