How to get through MIL visits

[Anonymous]

When your husband comes back in the room:

"Honey, Nancy was just saying that we allow Larla to watch too much TV. Do you think that is something we need to think about?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

You need to just stop engaging with this, because it's ridiculous. Do you both always go pick up DS from school? I doubt it. Next time he calls, say "no, I'm going to be home at the normal time. Don't wait for me. If you want to wait for me, then it's on you." If he last minute tells you you have to stay home to wait for the contractor, say "no, I'm leaving right now or I'll be late for work." You really just need to work the word NO into your lexicon. You say you've had up front conversations with him about this, so have that conversation and then follow through. Leave the room. Go for a run. If they consider it rude, then they consider it rude. That's not really your problem.

I am the pp of the top quote and I totally agree. You have got to learn how to say "No". "No. You'll have to reschedule that if you can't be here. I can not be late to work, sorry." "No. I can not come out and chat at the moment. I need a little time to myself." "No. I do not want to go out right now, I have some things to do. But please feel free to take your mom out dinner."

This is not to say that you should blow off your MIL completely. Do spend some time with her - she is your guest, too. But you do not need to feel obligated to spend every free moment that you have with her or catering to her. I really doubt that she even expects that from you. Your husband on the other hand....wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

You need to just stop engaging with this, because it's ridiculous. Do you both always go pick up DS from school? I doubt it. Next time he calls, say "no, I'm going to be home at the normal time. Don't wait for me. If you want to wait for me, then it's on you." If he last minute tells you you have to stay home to wait for the contractor, say "no, I'm leaving right now or I'll be late for work." You really just need to work the word NO into your lexicon. You say you've had up front conversations with him about this, so have that conversation and then follow through. Leave the room. Go for a run. If they consider it rude, then they consider it rude. That's not really your problem.

I am the pp of the top quote and I totally agree. You have got to learn how to say "No". "No. You'll have to reschedule that if you can't be here. I can not be late to work, sorry." "No. I can not come out and chat at the moment. I need a little time to myself." "No. I do not want to go out right now, I have some things to do. But please feel free to take your mom out dinner."

This is not to say that you should blow off your MIL completely. Do spend some time with her - she is your guest, too. But you do not need to feel obligated to spend every free moment that you have with her or catering to her. I really doubt that she even expects that from you. Your husband on the other hand....wow.

I think it's more like DH thinks that I should be in the mentality of dropping everything else in my life to just be with them when she's in town. I can't just leave work early or be late to work due to my MIL being here. His family has a need to spend every moment together. It's the same way when we go visit MIL. No one can do anything on their own. If someone needs to run out to cvs, then someone else will say they'll come with as though no one should ever have to be by themself. DH automatically drops into this mentality when he's with his family and then makes it seem like I'm the odd one for not feeling the same way.

The thing is---when I'm around DS clings to me and she doesn't get to spend much quality time with him alone. When I'm not around he's happy to spend time with her. So to me it's a win win if I'm not around. They don't see it that way but at the same time she will get frustrated if DS doesn't want to play a game with her or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

You need to just stop engaging with this, because it's ridiculous. Do you both always go pick up DS from school? I doubt it. Next time he calls, say "no, I'm going to be home at the normal time. Don't wait for me. If you want to wait for me, then it's on you." If he last minute tells you you have to stay home to wait for the contractor, say "no, I'm leaving right now or I'll be late for work." You really just need to work the word NO into your lexicon. You say you've had up front conversations with him about this, so have that conversation and then follow through. Leave the room. Go for a run. If they consider it rude, then they consider it rude. That's not really your problem.

I am the pp of the top quote and I totally agree. You have got to learn how to say "No". "No. You'll have to reschedule that if you can't be here. I can not be late to work, sorry." "No. I can not come out and chat at the moment. I need a little time to myself." "No. I do not want to go out right now, I have some things to do. But please feel free to take your mom out dinner."

This is not to say that you should blow off your MIL completely. Do spend some time with her - she is your guest, too. But you do not need to feel obligated to spend every free moment that you have with her or catering to her. I really doubt that she even expects that from you. Your husband on the other hand....wow.

I think it's more like DH thinks that I should be in the mentality of dropping everything else in my life to just be with them when she's in town. I can't just leave work early or be late to work due to my MIL being here. His family has a need to spend every moment together. It's the same way when we go visit MIL. No one can do anything on their own. If someone needs to run out to cvs, then someone else will say they'll come with as though no one should ever have to be by themself. DH automatically drops into this mentality when he's with his family and then makes it seem like I'm the odd one for not feeling the same way.

The thing is---when I'm around DS clings to me and she doesn't get to spend much quality time with him alone. When I'm not around he's happy to spend time with her. So to me it's a win win if I'm not around. They don't see it that way but at the same time she will get frustrated if DS doesn't want to play a game with her or something.

Yeah, that's a pain. But when you say: "No. I can't be late to work. No. I can't come home early. No. I can't go out right now, I have things to do but please go and enjoy dinner with your mom."...enough times, it will eventually sink in that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. That doesn't mean be an azzhole about it, just set firm limits.

I am sorry that you have to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When your husband comes back in the room:

"Honey, Nancy was just saying that we allow Larla to watch too much TV. Do you think that is something we need to think about?"

Np. This would not deter my MIL at all. Only encourage her actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your husband comes back in the room:

"Honey, Nancy was just saying that we allow Larla to watch too much TV. Do you think that is something we need to think about?"

Np. This would not deter my MIL at all. Only encourage her actually.

Yes, but husband would be forced to recognize it was happening.

If she didn't want to make it seem like they do want her advice, maybe something like (when he's in the room): "Nancy, what was it you were saying earlier about Larla watching that show? I didn't hear you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your husband comes back in the room:

"Honey, Nancy was just saying that we allow Larla to watch too much TV. Do you think that is something we need to think about?"

Np. This would not deter my MIL at all. Only encourage her actually.

eh, if the evening is Nancy's witching hour...and you know that it is. Just make it a habit of excusing yourself in the evening (BEFORE these conversations start), go into your bedroom/office (wherever), close the door, sink into a chair (or bubble bath) with a good book. Or surf the internet, or watch t.v. Just take an hour for yourself to recharge.

Tell your husband BEFORE these visits that from 5-6 you will need some alone time after work to recharge. Hopefully, he will support you in that.

[Anonymous]

ew, Im so sorry you are dealing with this. I have the same issues with my FIL. MIL passed away several years ago and hes been attached to us like a leech ever since. I wouldnt care but hes so negative, passive aggressive and woe is me 24/7. I also can feel the tension building in myself when I know hes coming over

Just try and remember, she will leave eventually. Say NO to your DH. If you have to lie, so be it. Can you "work from home"? AKA, take your laptop in your bedroom, shut the door, and relax

[Anonymous]

Introverts need time to themselves to recharge. If you start feeling the tension rise within yourself you need to take a break. When you are stressed out and tense (and PMSing like Op is) it doesn't take much to rub you the wrong way.

It is o.k. to take some time away for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introverts need time to themselves to recharge. If you start feeling the tension rise within yourself you need to take a break. When you are stressed out and tense (and PMSing like Op is) it doesn't take much to rub you the wrong way.

It is o.k. to take some time away for yourself.

NP - I totally agree. And frankly this is something that extroverts really don't understand, which may lead to the perception of introverts being unreasonable/selfish.

I know this doesn't help you right now (maybe you need a drink in the meantime) but I really think you need to sit down and talk with DH honestly and in a fair and calm way after MIL leaves. Try to see it from his perspective but also let him know how difficult you find this herd mentality to be, and that you feel very isolated when MIL is here and he placates her and puts you in tough positions to be the bad guy. Talk about the DS behavior/clinginess and how some grandma-grandson time is a good thing. MIL can think you not hovering at her right elbow 24-7 is rude, because MILs can be crazy, but she needs to be alone on that one - DH needs to back you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it. Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.

DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP

PP here just read the follow-up.

I would recommend that the day before she arrives, you sit down with DH and go over the schedule. Remind him that you're planning to do x, y, and z, and that he's covering whatever pick ups drop offs, etc. Remind him that his mother is primarily his responsibility, and that you are giving them some space so she can interact more with him and your son, presumably why she is here in the first place.

If you're feeling really petty (in other words, if he is being a real arse), remind him that one day with your MIL (say, 8 am to 8 pm) is equal to 3-4 evenings with your parents, which is...how often does he see them? Twice a month? However many weeks/months worth of time he spends. If you can make a time comparison like that in your favor, do it. Also? Tell him he can skip some visits with your family if he needs more time to himself. Offer that, rather than spend 24-7 with your MIL.

NP here. PP's answer here is very good -- read and heed, OP. I think this particular visit is already shot, and DH is not going to listen to you while his mom is actually there and demanding everyone's attention, but after she has left -- not immediately after, but at a time soon when things are calm, and your DH does not need to be somewhere else soon (not when he's on his way out to do something on the weekend, for example), tell him you need time and space for a talk. Do it when the kids are not around if at all possible so he can't say, "Oh, can this wait, Son is leaving for sport in X minutes" or whatever.

Then talk to him. Plan it. Do not improvise because that can lead to your sounding accusing or giving too many examples that he'll probably hear as complaints, which will cause him to stop listening. Use "When you do X, I feel Y" kinds of constructions -- not "You always do X (he'll balk at "always") and your mom is so Z towards me!"

Point out what PP says above. Note how this is his mom and you are trying to clear a way for him to see her as the adult child and his parent. Tell him maybe he hasn't realized that or maybe you weren't clear about it, but that is your goal. When you use examples, keep as calm and objective-sounding as you can (yes, you have every right to be mad, I agree, but sounding mad is going to shut him down when you want him to hear you). See if he can repeat back to you what you're saying: "So that's why I feel it's not practical for you and your mom to expect me to do X. Can you understand why I would feel that way, even if your mom does not?" See if he has heard you.

Do not go too far with the "X hours with your mom is equivalent to Y hours with my parents." That is indeed useful and I'd count it up, but take care this doesn't turn into nickel-and-diming time. He seems to resent your folks being close by -- bring that up with him if you can do it so it's neutral, and point out that with your parents you can just leave but with a house guest you cannot. He may never have thought of that. Do offer, as PP says, the option that he can have a certain amount of free passes to not do things with your family as long as he also agrees to doing certain amounts.

It sounds like his mom may put a lot of pressure on him when she is there. She may be feeding the idea of "Wife's parents see you more than I do and I want equal time!" Of course that's not realistic but emotionally it may be making him act like a jerk. It's an explanation, not an excuse, but it may help you see why he does this stuff.

As for its being rude for you to do things while she's around, tell him, "I'm sorry you see it that way but it is not rude, it is intended to let you see YOUR mother and interact with her and with DC as well. I'm going to still do things when she is here. She is a houseguest, not here for an afternoon. If she were here for one day it would be rude to absent myself but she's here longer. I hope you can see the difference, but if you can't, I'm sorry you feel that way."

[Anonymous]

You have to stop caring what she thinks. Do what you need to do. Be kind and polite to her, be loving when you can.

Then, text your DH from across the room that "in 15 minutes I'm going to get my nails done". Then LEAVE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your husband comes back in the room:

"Honey, Nancy was just saying that we allow Larla to watch too much TV. Do you think that is something we need to think about?"

Np. This would not deter my MIL at all. Only encourage her actually.

Yes, but husband would be forced to recognize it was happening.

If she didn't want to make it seem like they do want her advice, maybe something like (when he's in the room): "Nancy, what was it you were saying earlier about Larla watching that show? I didn't hear you."

Clueless husband is suddenly going to pick up on this? Nah. I think you need to be more direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introverts need time to themselves to recharge. If you start feeling the tension rise within yourself you need to take a break. When you are stressed out and tense (and PMSing like Op is) it doesn't take much to rub you the wrong way.

It is o.k. to take some time away for yourself.

I am an extrovert, and I still take breaks when company is around!

Talk with him about that dynamic that you describe, OP. Does he recognize it when you point it out?

It may be a long-distance family thing. Since you live far apart, every.single.moment must be savored. Even when it drives everyone nuts. That's something I would talk with him about.

[Anonymous]

Just make your appointments and run your errands. They aren't your jailer. Tell them you thought MIL would want some quality time with her son/grandson.