If you married the wrong person what does it say about you?

[Anonymous]

Do you think people who marry the wrong people or wind up divorced have problems of some sort?

Surely not being able to marry a compatible person you really love is a sign that you aren't in tune with your emotions or aren't very intelligent?

Are people who make good matches smarter, more stable etc than people who don't?

In my experience, the divorced people I know, there is always something off.

[Anonymous]

I don't think choosing the wrong person is about being unintelligent or out of tune with your emotions. I think it is primarily about either a) being too young or b) having issues with the family of origin. Very smart people make relationship mistakes all the time because they are attracted to the dysfunction they grew up with and haven't healed from it yet (if they ever do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think choosing the wrong person is about being unintelligent or out of tune with your emotions. I think it is primarily about either a) being too young or b) having issues with the family of origin. Very smart people make relationship mistakes all the time because they are attracted to the dysfunction they grew up with and haven't healed from it yet (if they ever do).

See, that's not normal. Wanting to attract dysfunction. So they are some sort of damaged to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think choosing the wrong person is about being unintelligent or out of tune with your emotions. I think it is primarily about either a) being too young or b) having issues with the family of origin. Very smart people make relationship mistakes all the time because they are attracted to the dysfunction they grew up with and haven't healed from it yet (if they ever do).

See, that's not normal. Wanting to attract dysfunction. So they are some sort of damaged to begin with.

No one said it was normal. (Well actually, I thin it is very normal but also very unhealthy). I just said it wasn't due to lack of intelligence or even lack of being "in tune with emotions."

[Anonymous]

I notice most divorced people I know married too young. They married before they had fully developed as adults and barely understood who they were as people- let alone understood who they wanted to be with.

I know many of my own marital struggles stem from this. We have been able to work through them, but there is so much I did not know or realize about myself or my partner when we got married. I am happy with my life, and I love my spouse, but I often think I would pick a completely different person to spend my life with if I were to pick someone today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think people who marry the wrong people or wind up divorced have problems of some sort?

Surely not being able to marry a compatible person you really love is a sign that you aren't in tune with your emotions or aren't very intelligent?

Are people who make good matches smarter, more stable etc than people who don't?

In my experience, the divorced people I know, there is always something off.

OP my policy is usually not to say anything negative posters on here but I am having a hard day so: f.... you you miserable cow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I notice most divorced people I know married too young. They married before they had fully developed as adults and barely understood who they were as people- let alone understood who they wanted to be with.

I know many of my own marital struggles stem from this. We have been able to work through them, but there is so much I did not know or realize about myself or my partner when we got married. I am happy with my life, and I love my spouse, but I often think I would pick a completely different person to spend my life with if I were to pick someone today.

On the last sentence, why?

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, you are a superior human being. Good job!

[Anonymous]

OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

[Anonymous]

Married too young and with unacknowledged family of origin issues.

That said, had I not been in such a sh*t marriage I probably wouldn't have pursued therapy. It's a lot of emotional work but I feel better off for living the next 60 years of my life as an emotionally connected person with the added benefit of life perspective from having gone through and survived awful experiences.

I'm highly intellectually intelligent but when at my first therapy appt she asked me how I felt about something, I answered logically. She asked again. I literally did not understand what she meant. Now I do. So very little emotional intelligence.

I try my best to give my kids the emotional awareness and skills they need to not make my mistakes.

I have and had plenty of close friendships but when it came to marital love and attachment I had issues. I wasn't aware of or looking for what a healthy relationship needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I notice most divorced people I know married too young. They married before they had fully developed as adults and barely understood who they were as people- let alone understood who they wanted to be with.

I know many of my own marital struggles stem from this. We have been able to work through them, but there is so much I did not know or realize about myself or my partner when we got married. I am happy with my life, and I love my spouse, but I often think I would pick a completely different person to spend my life with if I were to pick someone today.

On the last sentence, why?

I met DH when I was 19. I loved that college took me away from my small town and exposed me to so much more. I loved that my future DH was from a completely different area of the country. At the time, he was a conservative leaning independent (I grew up in a very republican world). We were both considerate of our different religious upbringings- protestant and catholic- and thought it would be fine to raise our kids in both faiths. I knew I wanted to be a SAH mom but wanted to work a few years before having kids. DH supported this idea and wanted to work in nonprofits a few years before focusing on a more lucrative career path. He moved to a city after college and I followed him there. We got married a couple years out of college.

15+ years later, I know in my heart of hearts I would be much happier living in a small town- but DH loves the city and wont leave. I did not get to be a SAH mom because DH realized that he did not like the actual stress of being a sole provider. (I don't mind working.. and in no way want to get into a debate about this subject... but I was really upset that DH changed his mind about our original plan) DH never left the nonprofit world.. and became extremely liberal- to the point where he considers running for elected office. (Note.. I no longer consider myself a republican.. but I am now a more conservative leaning independent- we disagree politically on most points.. though not all) Also, turns out that DH thought I would eventually convert and only wants our children raised Catholic.

Needless to say, had I not married DH when I did I would have probably moved back to the area I am from, met someone closer to the background I was raised in, and led a perfectly normal life for that area. I don't think I was ever "rebellious" per se, but I essentially met and married DH during the time where I was experimenting with how life could be different from what I knew as a child. Turns out, I really want what I had growing up.

I know the grass always seems greener.. so I focus on all the wonderful parts of the life we have together. But, I definitely feel like I have made many sacrifices for this life that I would not have had to make in an alternative scenario.

[Anonymous]

You can't win them all. I've made a lot of good decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think choosing the wrong person is about being unintelligent or out of tune with your emotions. I think it is primarily about either a) being too young or b) having issues with the family of origin. Very smart people make relationship mistakes all the time because they are attracted to the dysfunction they grew up with and haven't healed from it yet (if they ever do).

See, that's not normal. Wanting to attract dysfunction. So they are some sort of damaged to begin with.

OP, the fact that you don't seem to understand this suggests to me you are not the most emotionally mature person yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think people who marry the wrong people or wind up divorced have problems of some sort?

Surely not being able to marry a compatible person you really love is a sign that you aren't in tune with your emotions or aren't very intelligent?

Are people who make good matches smarter, more stable etc than people who don't?

In my experience, the divorced people I know, there is always something off.

I think most people have problems of some sort. I know people who have never been divorced but have done other things that are questionable/made some mistakes. I know people who have done drugs, had abortions, cheated and been forgiven, lied... but avoided this terrible sin of divorce.

Divorce is a very visible, public failing, that's true.

You could also say it takes a lot of courage to admit a mistake and actually get a divorce. Being divorced is not easy.

[Anonymous]

If you are in your first marriage and not dead, I wouldn't start gloating too soon about your perfect choice of a spouse. Ten years in, my spouse and I were poster children for a great, solid marriage. 12 years in my spouse left me for another woman (an older, alcoholic, bankrupt unemployed woman, for what it's worth).