If you married the wrong person what does it say about you?

[Anonymous]

It says you were fooled by the honeymoon behavior.
You didn't find out the details of their last relationship. And failed to do your research.
You were looking for another paycheck and stability, but didn't realize the true price you'd have to pay.
The right person probably doesn't exist. When I look around most people are doing ok but realize soulmates only exist in the movies.
It says you're no different than 75% of the population.

[Anonymous]

I married for stability and reassurance. I didn't want to be hurt again after having been cheated on by a long term boyfriend. There wasn't a lot of passion and while I wasn't repulsed by my ex, there was no real physical spark. But he treated me well.

I think a lot of women fall into this trap. And also the trap of stability when they are running out of time to have a baby. I don't want kids, so divorcing and starting over wasn't a huge deal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

This. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Obviously, these were unhappy marriages. But there are a lot of unhappy marriages that don't end up in divorce. That means that marriages are usually unhappy. It's normal.

[Anonymous]

It says you don't know everything.

Do you know everything, OP?

[Anonymous]

It says you are a human being, imperfect and make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

Are kids involved in any of these marriages? It's certainly healthier for children to be raised in a non-divorce household, as research has shown. The kids are better off in a 2 parent home if it's low conflict. Not to mention, it's going to be a cold, dark day before I give up access to my kids for 50 percent of their lives. I understand there are people who get to that point and for damn good reason. But it's a HUGE deal. For everyone.

I also think you're very hyperbolic. Most of my married friends are living in reality where there are peaks and valleys and good times and bad times and sometimes we're annoyed by our spouse and sometimes we're not. But we're on the ride together and wouldn't pick anyone else to be on the ride with. It's probably a lot more complicated than 9 out of 11 couples are miserable and hate each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think people who marry the wrong people or wind up divorced have problems of some sort?

Surely not being able to marry a compatible person you really love is a sign that you aren't in tune with your emotions or aren't very intelligent?

Are people who make good matches smarter, more stable etc than people who don't?

In my experience, the divorced people I know, there is always something off.

It says I was a wuss and I don't take my own advice!
I knew his faults, I thought I could live with them and I barely can. Once kids entered the picture things really went downhill and all his bad habits were magnified 10-fold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think choosing the wrong person is about being unintelligent or out of tune with your emotions. I think it is primarily about either a) being too young or b) having issues with the family of origin. Very smart people make relationship mistakes all the time because they are attracted to the dysfunction they grew up with and haven't healed from it yet (if they ever do).

In my case, it was 2). I didn't realize having an emotionally distant father would make me want to marry an emotionally distant man and "cure" him. It took me years to realize that not only would he never change, he didn't want to change and wanted a relationship only at a very superficial level. I was in my late 20s when we married.

[Anonymous]

Unacknowledged and unresolved family issues. I grew up in a verbally abusive household. I was in two long term relationships with men who verbally and emotionally abused me. I took a long time off from relationships after the second one. It took a lot of self-education for me to recognize how growing up in my family of origin conditioned me to accept this kind of behavior from men.

Similarly, my last partner also had unresolved family of origin issues - mental illness and substance abuse by parent. These issues had a tremendous impact on my partner and his ability to commit long term to a relationship.

If that makes me "broken," so be it. I have a lot more wisdom and insight into relationships now than I did before and much more insight than many of my married friends, some of whom have stayed in relationships which are terrible for themselves and their children.

Marriage in and of itself doesn't mean a good life for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

Are kids involved in any of these marriages? It's certainly healthier for children to be raised in a non-divorce household, as research has shown. The kids are better off in a 2 parent home if it's low conflict. Not to mention, it's going to be a cold, dark day before I give up access to my kids for 50 percent of their lives. I understand there are people who get to that point and for damn good reason. But it's a HUGE deal. For everyone.

I also think you're very hyperbolic. Most of my married friends are living in reality where there are peaks and valleys and good times and bad times and sometimes we're annoyed by our spouse and sometimes we're not. But we're on the ride together and wouldn't pick anyone else to be on the ride with. It's probably a lot more complicated than 9 out of 11 couples are miserable and hate each other.

No, the kids are fine. They are THRIVING! They are RESILIENT! Knock it off with your conservative, brainwashing, misery-loving, martyrdom hog wash! The only thing anyone should ever think about is their personal fulfillment. Those people who are worried about practicality and the well-being of their kids are just weak, pearl-clutching losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

Are kids involved in any of these marriages? It's certainly healthier for children to be raised in a non-divorce household, as research has shown. The kids are better off in a 2 parent home if it's low conflict. Not to mention, it's going to be a cold, dark day before I give up access to my kids for 50 percent of their lives. I understand there are people who get to that point and for damn good reason. But it's a HUGE deal. For everyone.

I also think you're very hyperbolic. Most of my married friends are living in reality where there are peaks and valleys and good times and bad times and sometimes we're annoyed by our spouse and sometimes we're not. But we're on the ride together and wouldn't pick anyone else to be on the ride with. It's probably a lot more complicated than 9 out of 11 couples are miserable and hate each other.

No, the kids are fine. They are THRIVING! They are RESILIENT! Knock it off with your conservative, brainwashing, misery-loving, martyrdom hog wash! The only thing anyone should ever think about is their personal fulfillment. Those people who are worried about practicality and the well-being of their kids are just weak, pearl-clutching losers.

Oh and in case anyone didn't notice that was sarcasm. I agree with every word you wrote original PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

Are kids involved in any of these marriages? It's certainly healthier for children to be raised in a non-divorce household, as research has shown. The kids are better off in a 2 parent home if it's low conflict. Not to mention, it's going to be a cold, dark day before I give up access to my kids for 50 percent of their lives. I understand there are people who get to that point and for damn good reason. But it's a HUGE deal. For everyone.

I also think you're very hyperbolic. Most of my married friends are living in reality where there are peaks and valleys and good times and bad times and sometimes we're annoyed by our spouse and sometimes we're not. But we're on the ride together and wouldn't pick anyone else to be on the ride with. It's probably a lot more complicated than 9 out of 11 couples are miserable and hate each other.

First off, you say "low conflict"....I understand this to some degree. I have also read the same material you probably have. I think this is perception. I suppose if you can keep your hatred, resentment, contempt bottled up and not let it bleed over into your children's lives, then yes by all means stay together, but don't say you are more intelligent than someone else who chooses to NOT take the path you are suggesting.

As for your second comment, maybe we have different relationships with our friends....maybe your friends are not as open as mine are. They are all very vocal about their disagreements, resentment, contempt etc towards their husbands. These people are not having peaks and valleys, they are stuck in a state of unhappiness. It makes me really sad. I am fully aware that marriages have highs and lows, I am not a simpleton.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced. And more than half my married girlfriends have confided that they would love to be where I am. But they're stuck in their marriages for mostly financial reasons. And the majority of my unhappy friends are SAHMs with no earning potential. So they truly are stuck. I feel so bad for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

Are kids involved in any of these marriages? It's certainly healthier for children to be raised in a non-divorce household, as research has shown. The kids are better off in a 2 parent home if it's low conflict. Not to mention, it's going to be a cold, dark day before I give up access to my kids for 50 percent of their lives. I understand there are people who get to that point and for damn good reason. But it's a HUGE deal. For everyone.

I also think you're very hyperbolic. Most of my married friends are living in reality where there are peaks and valleys and good times and bad times and sometimes we're annoyed by our spouse and sometimes we're not. But we're on the ride together and wouldn't pick anyone else to be on the ride with. It's probably a lot more complicated than 9 out of 11 couples are miserable and hate each other.

First off, you say "low conflict"....I understand this to some degree. I have also read the same material you probably have. I think this is perception. I suppose if you can keep your hatred, resentment, contempt bottled up and not let it bleed over into your children's lives, then yes by all means stay together, but don't say you are more intelligent than someone else who chooses to NOT take the path you are suggesting.

As for your second comment, maybe we have different relationships with our friends....maybe your friends are not as open as mine are. They are all very vocal about their disagreements, resentment, contempt etc towards their husbands. These people are not having peaks and valleys, they are stuck in a state of unhappiness. It makes me really sad. I am fully aware that marriages have highs and lows, I am not a simpleton.

Really, PP? Maybe she just has different friends with different experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think people who marry the wrong people or wind up divorced have problems of some sort?

Surely not being able to marry a compatible person you really love is a sign that you aren't in tune with your emotions or aren't very intelligent?

Are people who make good matches smarter, more stable etc than people who don't?

In my experience, the divorced people I know, there is always something off.

What do you think creating this mean-spirited and useless thread says about you?