If you married the wrong person what does it say about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think people who marry the wrong people or wind up divorced have problems of some sort?

Surely not being able to marry a compatible person you really love is a sign that you aren't in tune with your emotions or aren't very intelligent?

Are people who make good matches smarter, more stable etc than people who don't?

In my experience, the divorced people I know, there is always something off.

What do you think creating this mean-spirited and useless thread says about you?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

Are kids involved in any of these marriages? It's certainly healthier for children to be raised in a non-divorce household, as research has shown. The kids are better off in a 2 parent home if it's low conflict. Not to mention, it's going to be a cold, dark day before I give up access to my kids for 50 percent of their lives. I understand there are people who get to that point and for damn good reason. But it's a HUGE deal. For everyone.

I also think you're very hyperbolic. Most of my married friends are living in reality where there are peaks and valleys and good times and bad times and sometimes we're annoyed by our spouse and sometimes we're not. But we're on the ride together and wouldn't pick anyone else to be on the ride with. It's probably a lot more complicated than 9 out of 11 couples are miserable and hate each other.

First off, you say "low conflict"....I understand this to some degree. I have also read the same material you probably have. I think this is perception. I suppose if you can keep your hatred, resentment, contempt bottled up and not let it bleed over into your children's lives, then yes by all means stay together, but don't say you are more intelligent than someone else who chooses to NOT take the path you are suggesting.

As for your second comment, maybe we have different relationships with our friends....maybe your friends are not as open as mine are. They are all very vocal about their disagreements, resentment, contempt etc towards their husbands. These people are not having peaks and valleys, they are stuck in a state of unhappiness. It makes me really sad. I am fully aware that marriages have highs and lows, I am not a simpleton.

Wow, you AND your friends do sound quite miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced. And more than half my married girlfriends have confided that they would love to be where I am. But they're stuck in their marriages for mostly financial reasons. And the majority of my unhappy friends are SAHMs with no earning potential. So they truly are stuck. I feel so bad for them.

They would love to see their kids half the time and put their kids through complete turmoil and a life of being passed between homes? Who would even say that? I know people go through it and it's necessary and people end up doing well on the other side, but damn, please don't romanticize it.

[Anonymous]

What it says about me:
I wasn't in enough relationships prior to DH to understand red flags and when to walk away
I wanted to stay with the person I suffered trauma through, even though they were part of the trauma
I wanted to stay with my child's father
It's really hard to walk away when you're so many years in, and with a kid to boot...so much invested
I didn't have a particularly functional, happy marriage modeled for me, and neither did he (although to their credit, my parents are still married. Of note, his are not and he is estranged from his father)
I suffer from major depression and anxiety

Does that count as "off"? Most people who know me don't know about the depression and anxiety, only close friends. I am not unintelligent. I know in my heart of hearts I could eventually stand on my own two feet and would probably be happier. But getting there seems insurmountable.

[Anonymous]

Anna Karenina Principle:

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

In other words: in order to be happy, a family must be successful on each and every one of a range of criteria e.g: sexual attraction, money issues, parenting, religion, in-laws. Failure on only one of these counts leads to unhappiness. Thus there are more ways for a family to be unhappy than happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anna Karenina Principle:

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

In other words: in order to be happy, a family must be successful on each and every one of a range of criteria e.g: sexual attraction, money issues, parenting, religion, in-laws. Failure on only one of these counts leads to unhappiness. Thus there are more ways for a family to be unhappy than happy.

I don't think that is what it means at all. For example, the "happy family" in Anna Karenina consisted of a woman who was originally deeply broken hearted by another man and then went on to marry a man she was never really crazy for, but the love grew because she put her faith in the relationship and gave it a chance.

I think Tolstoy's point/belief is that happy families organize themselves into a predictable structure (monogamous, family oriented, etc.) and that deviation from that causes problems, not that you can't have any issues in your marriage or else you will be doomed to failure...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what a closed minded view of marriage and divorce...do you actually think that all the non-divorced folks are living fabulous happy lives and are all super smart? Yes, some of them are, but there sure is a high number who are NOT (have you read this board before?)! I am in the process of a divorce, I am highly intelligent and very in touch with my emotions. I have a very good group of girlfriends, all of them are married. There are about 11 of us and out of the 11 of us, only 2 of them are in okay to happy marriages. The rest of them all WANT to divorce, but can't find the courage to pull the trigger for a variety of reasons. I personally think THEY are the stupid ones, or the ones with the issues. Think about that for a min....all these people STAYING in miserable marriages all clearly have their own hang ups on why they can't leave, so they choose to be miserable. That is certainly NOT healthy, not for anyone! So you keep telling yourself that you are some how better than the "divorced" folks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Many divorced people that I know have had years of therapy and have ACTUALLY addressed their issues, unlike the miserable married people I know, who all get too drunk at the neighborhood BBQ and tell us all how miserable they are and how much they hate their spouses! The bottom line is that it works both ways....people have issues regardless if they are divorced/married/single....after all we are ALL humans and flawed.

Are kids involved in any of these marriages? It's certainly healthier for children to be raised in a non-divorce household, as research has shown. The kids are better off in a 2 parent home if it's low conflict. Not to mention, it's going to be a cold, dark day before I give up access to my kids for 50 percent of their lives. I understand there are people who get to that point and for damn good reason. But it's a HUGE deal. For everyone.

I also think you're very hyperbolic. Most of my married friends are living in reality where there are peaks and valleys and good times and bad times and sometimes we're annoyed by our spouse and sometimes we're not. But we're on the ride together and wouldn't pick anyone else to be on the ride with. It's probably a lot more complicated than 9 out of 11 couples are miserable and hate each other.

No, the kids are fine. They are THRIVING! They are RESILIENT! Knock it off with your conservative, brainwashing, misery-loving, martyrdom hog wash! The only thing anyone should ever think about is their personal fulfillment. Those people who are worried about practicality and the well-being of their kids are just weak, pearl-clutching losers.

So self absorbed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced. And more than half my married girlfriends have confided that they would love to be where I am. But they're stuck in their marriages for mostly financial reasons. And the majority of my unhappy friends are SAHMs with no earning potential. So they truly are stuck. I feel so bad for them.

They would love to see their kids half the time and put their kids through complete turmoil and a life of being passed between homes? Who would even say that? I know people go through it and it's necessary and people end up doing well on the other side, but damn, please don't romanticize it.

Plus you can introduce a loving step parent. 2nd marriages have an even higher failure rate !
Rinse and repeat

[Anonymous]

If it's in the first few years it says you didn't run a very effective test market!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think people who marry the wrong people or wind up divorced have problems of some sort?

Surely not being able to marry a compatible person you really love is a sign that you aren't in tune with your emotions or aren't very intelligent?

Are people who make good matches smarter, more stable etc than people who don't?

In my experience, the divorced people I know, there is always something off.

I think everybody, married or not, has a problem of some sort.

I married somebody with whom I am compatible and who I still love, but his mental illness makes him impossible to be married to.

I think that people they stay married have 2 people with good coping skills or are stuck in a toxic situation and are too scared to get out.

In my experience, everybody I know is a little off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced. And more than half my married girlfriends have confided that they would love to be where I am. But they're stuck in their marriages for mostly financial reasons. And the majority of my unhappy friends are SAHMs with no earning potential. So they truly are stuck. I feel so bad for them.

It would be very interesting to see a study that deals with your comment. If 40-50% of marriages end in divorce, of the remaining 50-60% what percent wish they were divorced, what percent are generally unhappy and what percent are happy? Has anyone out there seen anything like this?

[Anonymous]

It means that I believe that I am unloveable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced. And more than half my married girlfriends have confided that they would love to be where I am. But they're stuck in their marriages for mostly financial reasons. And the majority of my unhappy friends are SAHMs with no earning potential. So they truly are stuck. I feel so bad for them.

It would be very interesting to see a study that deals with your comment. If 40-50% of marriages end in divorce, of the remaining 50-60% what percent wish they were divorced, what percent are generally unhappy and what percent are happy? Has anyone out there seen anything like this?

Look, I am married and when I am cranky about marriage I complain to my single or divorced girlfriends because dissatisfaction in the man department is a common experience. I am happy, even very happy, at least half the time in my marriage but I don't share those feelings with my single and divorced girlfriends because I feel that would be mean. I guarantee you that you are not getting the full picture and you are probably also selecting to spend more time with people who reinforce your view of the world.

To suggest that pretty much everyone who is married wishes they were divorced reeks of bias.

[Anonymous]

This is a fascinating thread. I was married and divorced young... A lot of the reason for marrying was religious and social pressure. I always thought you could only have sex inside marriage and I thought I was going to be a stay at home mother. I even had masters degrees in education and development so I was trained for it. My ex was mentally ill and because he couldn't hold down a regular job I worked. He was also not interested in sex. So there were never children. The point is he was not emotionally or psychologically stable for an actual marriage. I am now remarried to an amazing man and we have two kids. And I have a great career. I am grateful for the experience of divorce because it made me a better person and partner but also taught me that all those people I thought were liberal growing up actually live very conservative lives and all the people I know who were and are conservative did all the terrible immoral things they said they would never do or they are stuck in bad marriages and cycles of poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced. And more than half my married girlfriends have confided that they would love to be where I am. But they're stuck in their marriages for mostly financial reasons. And the majority of my unhappy friends are SAHMs with no earning potential. So they truly are stuck. I feel so bad for them.

It would be very interesting to see a study that deals with your comment. If 40-50% of marriages end in divorce, of the remaining 50-60% what percent wish they were divorced, what percent are generally unhappy and what percent are happy? Has anyone out there seen anything like this?

Look, I am married and when I am cranky about marriage I complain to my single or divorced girlfriends because dissatisfaction in the man department is a common experience. I am happy, even very happy, at least half the time in my marriage but I don't share those feelings with my single and divorced girlfriends because I feel that would be mean. I guarantee you that you are not getting the full picture and you are probably also selecting to spend more time with people who reinforce your view of the world.

To suggest that pretty much everyone who is married wishes they were divorced reeks of bias.

I agree. I'm not going to gush to my divorced friends (...or, honestly, anyone. Nobody likes that person) about all the wonderful times and he great parts of my marriage and how happy my husband makes me. People vent to each other. Marriage is long and life is hard. There have even been phases where we're going through a particularly rough patch and I've questioned staying married...but then we come out of it and are even stronger and I'm so happy we're married. But yes, venting to close friends is part of how you get through the tough times, and I agree I'm especially unlikely to share my joy and loving feelings with single / divorced friends - it seems cruel.