Is a disagreement over the number of kids to have a deal breaker for you?

[Anonymous]

I was chatting with a friend that's been in a relationship with this guy for three years. He proposed over the weekend and she said yes. She wants to marry him, but they recently had a discussion about kids. She already has one and wants one more, he doesn't have any and wants two. This had made her second guess if they should get married. Would you consider this a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was chatting with a friend that's been in a relationship with this guy for three years. He proposed over the weekend and she said yes. She wants to marry him, but they recently had a discussion about kids. She already has one and wants one more, he doesn't have any and wants two. This had made her second guess if they should get married. Would you consider this a deal breaker?

I have always wanted four children. I never wanted a small family. If the man I was going to marry was insisting on only 2 I wouldn't marry him. However this is a conversation that should be had long before a proposal. Luckily my husband said he wanted 4 on our 3rd date and 4 is what we have

If he wants 2 biological children than they need to sit down a have a serious conversation about this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, most definitely. Life doesn't always unfolds in ways we plan, but having such a fundamental disagreement from the beginning is a no-go. What will happen when she has one more, and he wants another badly enough?

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how vehemently either one of them feels. I was adamant about wanting 3-4 kids before marriage, but we have two and it's kicking my butt. So, I think we will settle at 2. My husband was always in the 2-3 camp; since we both were flexible and wanted to see how it went, that's what we did. He's good with 2 as well (at least right now).

[Anonymous]

Yes, because two more is a lot more, and the burden will fall heavily on her and her career, and she has her existing child to consider. I would say in general, it depends. Disagreeing on 1 vs 2 may be a dealbreaker but 3 vs 4 might not. Also, what if life doesn't work out that way, how would the person handle it?

[Anonymous]

I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

[Anonymous]

She'd be an idiot!
They can compromise and have just one more, but she can let him figure that out down the road.
First, it's the mother who carries the child and she should have a right of refusal.
Second, the person who wants less children wins.
Third, once he bonds with the existing child, and has one of his own, and experiences how expensive and effortful they are, he'll likely come around!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

[Anonymous]

Definitely. I want zero. If DH wanted any, I would offer him a divorce. It would be painful, but he should look elsewhere for a breeder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

[Anonymous]

I feel like they're close enough to one another that they should be able to compromise. Its not like one person wants no children and the other wants 10.

But I'd talk it through in a lot of depth and reach that compromise before walking down the aisle.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on how vehemently either one of them feels. I was adamant about wanting 3-4 kids before marriage, but we have two and it's kicking my butt. So, I think we will settle at 2. My husband was always in the 2-3 camp; since we both were flexible and wanted to see how it went, that's what we did. He's good with 2 as well (at least right now).

This. My DH has always thought 2 sounded good. At times I've thought 3 or 4 sounded good. Now that we actually HAVE kids, two may very well be where we stop. Actually doing the work, and being 10 years older, really is different.

But even though at times I've thought more sounded good, I'd never actually decide that without my partner. If he says two is all her can handle, that's the end of the discussion. No way I'd have a 3rd without him 100% on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.