Is a disagreement over the number of kids to have a deal breaker for you?

[Anonymous]

IMO the only deal breaker in an otherwise awesome relationship would be if one person wants kids and the other doesn't.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.

+1 I'm the PP who posted about the woman's child seemingly not "counting" to the fiance, and I agree with you.

I didn't say he must love her child as his own. Obviously stepparent-child relationships are different than biological parent-child relationships or adoptive parent-child relationships.

Especially if it's an older child (not a baby) and the other parent is still in the picture, it's going to be a very different relationship between mom and child than between stepdad and child - and that's ok. But the child still deserves to be respected, cared for, and integrated into the family unit by the stepparent. The stepparent should be invested in building a relationship with the child. If this guy can't or won't do that, he shouldn't be marrying a woman who has a child.

PP here. I don't disagree with any of that, but it's a LOT different than "not giving a crap about her kid" unless it's his kid.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.

+1 I'm the PP who posted about the woman's child seemingly not "counting" to the fiance, and I agree with you.

I didn't say he must love her child as his own. Obviously stepparent-child relationships are different than biological parent-child relationships or adoptive parent-child relationships.

Especially if it's an older child (not a baby) and the other parent is still in the picture, it's going to be a very different relationship between mom and child than between stepdad and child - and that's ok. But the child still deserves to be respected, cared for, and integrated into the family unit by the stepparent. The stepparent should be invested in building a relationship with the child. If this guy can't or won't do that, he shouldn't be marrying a woman who has a child.

PP here. I don't disagree with any of that, but it's a LOT different than "not giving a crap about her kid" unless it's his kid.

Yes? I'm not sure who you're responding to here. I was talking about the PP who said that remarrying people shouldn't expect the new spouse to give a crap about their children from the previous marriage. That is the dealbreaker - a fiance who doesn't care about their partner's child and won't put in the effort to build a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Your husband has three families?

That sounds insane. I don't think that you can generalize this situation.


Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.

I think the "three family" comment was directed at me -- no, not sure how your math works, but my husband was previously married to someone who had kids already (hence, ex-stepkids) and had a child in that marriage (hence my stepchild).

And I'm leaving out the TRULY insane details , as they are even LESS relevant to this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

The step child has a dad. With an adopted kid, he would be the dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on how vehemently either one of them feels. I was adamant about wanting 3-4 kids before marriage, but we have two and it's kicking my butt. So, I think we will settle at 2. My husband was always in the 2-3 camp; since we both were flexible and wanted to see how it went, that's what we did. He's good with 2 as well (at least right now).

I agree it depends on how "vehemently either of them feels." DH and I aren't sure how many kids we want if ever. We have been married for a solid 6 years. Before marriage we agreed to wait 5 years before having kids. We both come from very big families so maybe that plays a factor.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

This might be one of the saddest posts I've ever seen posted on DCUM. My heart breaks for your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

This might be one of the saddest posts I've ever seen posted on DCUM. My heart breaks for your DD.

Eh, save your energy. Both kids are very happy and loved. You're just used to mothers being the main parent, and in our family it's the father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

This might be one of the saddest posts I've ever seen posted on DCUM. My heart breaks for your DD.

Eh, save your energy. Both kids are very happy and loved. You're just used to mothers being the main parent, and in our family it's the father.

I think this is 1000x better than a mother that has children because she thinks she "should," that's what's expected in society, and then raises the child using guilt/manipulation and/or building up years of resentment. Which seems like a large percentage of the mothers out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

This might be one of the saddest posts I've ever seen posted on DCUM. My heart breaks for your DD.

Eh, save your energy. Both kids are very happy and loved. You're just used to mothers being the main parent, and in our family it's the father.

This has nothing to do with which parent is the main parent. My DH would never say he enjoys our kids sometimes and moreso when we are out. MY best friend's DH is their main parent and she would never say those things either.

[Anonymous]

No way - they are only one off. No biggee.

[Anonymous]

I left my first husband because I wanted more kids after our two and he refused. Years later, I had two more with a new guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Pp you should've never had kids. I genuinely feel bad for your children. If he leaves you'll probably neglect them as revenge. Having kids to keep a man is so messed up. Was it just out of desperation to keep a man? Hope karma doesn't get you in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

This can't be real !

[Anonymous]

Oh please, if the difference between one and two is a deal breaker then your friend is nuts. The guy hopes to have one girl and one boy. Yes, one G or B already exists but..... If your "friend" sees this as a deal breaker she needs take a tranquilizer.