Is a disagreement over the number of kids to have a deal breaker for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

I would sure as hell never marry a guy who 'didn't give a crap' about my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

I would sure as hell never marry a guy who 'didn't give a crap' about my kids.

Nobody says you should. Best of luck finding someone who will love yours like his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

[Anonymous]

No, it wasn't. I wanted more than he did. But we stopped at his number. But when a +1 came along ... he didn't handle it well and it bred a LOT of resentment and anger and added to the middle aged slump of our marriage. So, I might consider it a dealbreaker if I'd had to do it over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely. I want zero. If DH wanted any, I would offer him a divorce. It would be painful, but he should look elsewhere for a breeder.

Ha! Same here. Luckily, we're on the same page.

What if you get married and you both want kids, but infertility intervenes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

[Anonymous]

I am in somewhat of a similar situation. Pre-marriage we agreed to 4-5. After out first he was done. He finally agreed to a second and hasn't budged since. I'm hoping for at least a 3rd, which may be possible once I get more established in my career. I have thought about divorcing over his change of heart as I made it clear before marriage that having a large family was very important to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on how vehemently either one of them feels. I was adamant about wanting 3-4 kids before marriage, but we have two and it's kicking my butt. So, I think we will settle at 2. My husband was always in the 2-3 camp; since we both were flexible and wanted to see how it went, that's what we did. He's good with 2 as well (at least right now).

This. My DH has always thought 2 sounded good. At times I've thought 3 or 4 sounded good. Now that we actually HAVE kids, two may very well be where we stop. Actually doing the work, and being 10 years older, really is different.

But even though at times I've thought more sounded good, I'd never actually decide that without my partner. If he says two is all her can handle, that's the end of the discussion. No way I'd have a 3rd without him 100% on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

He will get over it but for the love of christ, don't bring it up to the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

He will get over it but for the love of christ, don't bring it up to the children.

He knows, I just don't talk about it. I would never tell the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.

[Anonymous]

OP, your friend sounds like she and the guy are very close in what they want. They could have one more and she might decide she'd be ok with a third. Or they could have one more and he could decide he was fine with the kid(s) they have. Or they could get twins, which means she'd only have to be pregnant one more time and he'd get to have two. He isn't a parent yet so he really has no idea what parenthood will be like. I think she gets a veto vote on the 2nd kid he wants because it's her body and she'd likely be doing more of the kid-related work and taking the career hit.

It would be a dealbreaker for me if someone wanted a whole bunch of kids. A difference of one kid either way wouldn't sway me much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.

+1 I'm the PP who posted about the woman's child seemingly not "counting" to the fiance, and I agree with you.

I didn't say he must love her child as his own. Obviously stepparent-child relationships are different than biological parent-child relationships or adoptive parent-child relationships.

Especially if it's an older child (not a baby) and the other parent is still in the picture, it's going to be a very different relationship between mom and child than between stepdad and child - and that's ok. But the child still deserves to be respected, cared for, and integrated into the family unit by the stepparent. The stepparent should be invested in building a relationship with the child. If this guy can't or won't do that, he shouldn't be marrying a woman who has a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Your husband has three families?

That sounds insane. I don't think that you can generalize this situation.


Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.