9 year old girl getting a reputation of being bossy

[Anonymous]

My sweet, bright, and creative 9 year old is also on the anxious side, and very type A. Not OCD, but likes things to go her way. She has siblings so she does have to take turns and share, that's not the issue, she's easy about things like that. But she's a leader type and likes to invent games and run things HER way. We have told her for years she needs to be more flexible, but it hasn't stuck. She's getting a reputation for being "bossy and mean" at school (as reported by the neighborhood kids from the same school). Yes I know that bossy kids often turn into leaders, which is great, but I'm worried she's going to lose friends along the way and if kids start ganging up against her or avoid her because she's annoying--she's going to be crushed and I'd rather have a happy kid whose not a leader than a leader who does great things but is miserable inside. I know I can't control all her interactions and I'm usually a hands off parent, but we have tried to coach her to being less bossy and stop worrying if things don't go as she pictured them, telling her other kids shouldn't have to play her way all the time, etc. I'm wondering if anyone has good words, advice, or books we can read or she can read to help with this.

[Anonymous]

Bossy and mean are not leadership qualities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sweet, bright, and creative 9 year old is also on the anxious side, and very type A. Not OCD, but likes things to go her way. She has siblings so she does have to take turns and share, that's not the issue, she's easy about things like that. But she's a leader type and likes to invent games and run things HER way. We have told her for years she needs to be more flexible, but it hasn't stuck. She's getting a reputation for being "bossy and mean" at school (as reported by the neighborhood kids from the same school). Yes I know that bossy kids often turn into leaders, which is great, but I'm worried she's going to lose friends along the way and if kids start ganging up against her or avoid her because she's annoying--she's going to be crushed and I'd rather have a happy kid whose not a leader than a leader who does great things but is miserable inside. I know I can't control all her interactions and I'm usually a hands off parent, but we have tried to coach her to being less bossy and stop worrying if things don't go as she pictured them, telling her other kids shouldn't have to play her way all the time, etc. I'm wondering if anyone has good words, advice, or books we can read or she can read to help with this.

When my 8 yo DD has issues like this (not bossiness in her case but friendship problems, etc.) I tell her stories from my own childhood. In this case, you can tell her about a time you really wanted to do something your way, so you insisted on doing it that way or no way, and so it didn't get done at all. If you don't have a story like this, make one up. I seriously do this almost every week. Now my daughter knows every story from my childhood plus several from other people's childhoods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bossy and mean are not leadership qualities.

I agree with this, OP I think you might be conflating bossy with leadership. But, mean? That is not good. What do your conversations at home sound like? It would be helpful to know your DD's thinking. Does she see a problem?

I would steer toward fiction with characters you can discuss with her, rather than kiddie self help-type books. Maybe DCUM can recommend age-appropriate books with characters who are flexible or not flexible, to get a conversation going.

[Anonymous]

Don't take this the wrong way and get defensive. You seem to excuse or condo her behavior by calling it leadership. It is not leadership. Kids do not call other kids who they like bossy and mean.
You are going to have to step it up and start to correct her. It will be hard because it is usually a combination of modeling(i.e. learned) and natural tendencies. Also as kid get older you see them less and less. If you are clueless as what to do get a professional involved.

[Anonymous]

to jump on the bandwagon, but OP, I do take issue with you implying that "only children" wouldn't know how to share/take turns by saying

She has siblings so she does have to take turns and share, that's not the issue, she's easy about things like that.

My only child has always had to take turns and share - probably more than yours because she is around adults a lot more and has to sit there and listen to adults talk and wait for an (according to her) excruciatingly long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: to jump on the bandwagon, but OP, I do take issue with you implying that "only children" wouldn't know how to share/take turns by saying

She has siblings so she does have to take turns and share, that's not the issue, she's easy about things like that.

My only child has always had to take turns and share - probably more than yours because she is around adults a lot more and has to sit there and listen to adults talk and wait for an (according to her) excruciatingly long time.

Op did not imply only children don't know how to take turns. You are really reading into this. (I have an only child).

To other posters, I think op is talking about leadership in light of the newest philosophy that we must allow our daughters to be bossy, lest they lose the part of their personalities that would drive them to be CEOs in the future. Op seems to understand that meanness and bossiness will not win any friends. I don't see how op is condoning or excusing the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Op here. My apologies to the parents of singletons, I didn't mean to say singletons can't share, but I mentioned she has multiple siblings to indicate that she isn't coddled at home, she doesn't get her way all the time. We don't excuse her behavior at all, it's been frustrating to deal with, which is why I'm looking for help.

When I say leader, I'm saying it because when I've asked mom friends for advice because I'm worried she's too bossy, my mom friends say "she's a natural leader". Her teachers have said this, too. She comes up with really creative exciting games and includes as many kids as possible, including kids who are shy and don't get asked to play a lot--this I feel is important info because she is not mean, she is incredibly kind. But her desire to create and lead a game drives her to want it to be exactly right, which leads her to be inflexible and then she gets frustrated when it doesn't go like she pictures it.

I hope this info gives a better picture of what's going on. Would still appreciate advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: to jump on the bandwagon, but OP, I do take issue with you implying that "only children" wouldn't know how to share/take turns by saying

She has siblings so she does have to take turns and share, that's not the issue, she's easy about things like that.

My only child has always had to take turns and share - probably more than yours because she is around adults a lot more and has to sit there and listen to adults talk and wait for an (according to her) excruciatingly long time.

Op did not imply only children don't know how to take turns. You are really reading into this. (I have an only child).

To other posters, I think op is talking about leadership in light of the newest philosophy that we must allow our daughters to be bossy, lest they lose the part of their personalities that would drive them to be CEOs in the future. Op seems to understand that meanness and bossiness will not win any friends. I don't see how op is condoning or excusing the behavior.

Thank you for understanding! Yes, the whole CEO/bossy/leader trend is exactly what I'm talking about. And while I want my children to be successful, l would much rather they be happy and hard working than be top of anything and miserable.

We don't see any other symptoms of OCD. But could she still have it?

[Anonymous]

OP have you posted about her before on here? It sounds familiar to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted about her before on here? It sounds familiar to me.

No, I haven't. I would love if someone would at least commiserate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: to jump on the bandwagon, but OP, I do take issue with you implying that "only children" wouldn't know how to share/take turns by saying

She has siblings so she does have to take turns and share, that's not the issue, she's easy about things like that.

My only child has always had to take turns and share - probably more than yours because she is around adults a lot more and has to sit there and listen to adults talk and wait for an (according to her) excruciatingly long time.

Op did not imply only children don't know how to take turns. You are really reading into this. (I have an only child).

To other posters, I think op is talking about leadership in light of the newest philosophy that we must allow our daughters to be bossy, lest they lose the part of their personalities that would drive them to be CEOs in the future. Op seems to understand that meanness and bossiness will not win any friends. I don't see how op is condoning or excusing the behavior.

Being bossy is being a bitch. You don't need to be bossy to be a leader. If the idea is to be a dictator, then keep encouraging young girls to be bossy.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure it's not just normal girl bossiness? I have all boys and they say all girls are bossy in elementary school. I never hear about it anymore once they're in middle school. It seems to be a phase they all go through that works its way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My apologies to the parents of singletons, I didn't mean to say singletons can't share, but I mentioned she has multiple siblings to indicate that she isn't coddled at home, she doesn't get her way all the time. We don't excuse her behavior at all, it's been frustrating to deal with, which is why I'm looking for help.

When I say leader, I'm saying it because when I've asked mom friends for advice because I'm worried she's too bossy, my mom friends say "she's a natural leader". Her teachers have said this, too. She comes up with really creative exciting games and includes as many kids as possible, including kids who are shy and don't get asked to play a lot--this I feel is important info because she is not mean, she is incredibly kind. But her desire to create and lead a game drives her to want it to be exactly right, which leads her to be inflexible and then she gets frustrated when it doesn't go like she pictures it.

I hope this info gives a better picture of what's going on. Would still appreciate advice.

Ask her what is more important "to be right or to be liked." She is old enough to be told point blank that her attitude is going to cost her friendships, is that what she wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bossy and mean are not leadership qualities.

+1

OP, her teachers and your friends are probably trying to put it as nicely as possible when saying she's a natural leader but it sounds like you are raising a mean girl AND you are making excuses for her behavior. Not cool.