9 year old girl getting a reputation of being bossy

[Anonymous]

Op again. I swear she's not a mean girl. She never calls anyone names, never puts anyone down, is incredibly supportive and looks out for other kids all the time. I know it's easy to jump to conclusions on DCUM based on a few facts, but she's not a mean girl and if she were we wouldn't stand for that. She's also not the only bossy girl we know at this age, one of her friends is way more of a "queen bee" so maybe it's a typical bossy girl thing like a Pp said? She's my oldest so I haven't navigated this age yet.

[Anonymous]

She is inflexible and bossy, OP, and you are correct that her peers will start avoiding her soon. Does she have any empathy in that she could put herself in others shoes to see how it feels to be bossed around? If not, that is part of your problem. If she cannot recognize at 9 that her behavior impacts others, well that should be your starting point. Read her books with bossy/inflexible characters. If brought to her attention she will start to recognize those characters are not exactly flattering. But they all change in the end!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I swear she's not a mean girl. She never calls anyone names, never puts anyone down, is incredibly supportive and looks out for other kids all the time. I know it's easy to jump to conclusions on DCUM based on a few facts, but she's not a mean girl and if she were we wouldn't stand for that. She's also not the only bossy girl we know at this age, one of her friends is way more of a "queen bee" so maybe it's a typical bossy girl thing like a Pp said? She's my oldest so I haven't navigated this age yet.

What does she say about the "Queen Bee"? If she makes unflattering comments help her recognize that is how others could view HER bossiness.

At 9 this is not an age thing, not if it is to the extent other children are talking about her behavior in a matter of fact manner.

[Anonymous]

I think bossy is okay, actually. But the controlling part is a bit disturbing and not so normal.

I grew up an only child and I definitely didn't do controlling. Quite the opposite, sadly.

Where are you based? there are some good child psychologists in Bethesda who might be able to help your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure it's not just normal girl bossiness? I have all boys and they say all girls are bossy in elementary school. I never hear about it anymore once they're in middle school. It seems to be a phase they all go through that works its way out.

This comment made me so, so sad. Boys are just as "bossy" as girls in ES. Girls get it metaphorically beat out of them by MS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I swear she's not a mean girl. She never calls anyone names, never puts anyone down, is incredibly supportive and looks out for other kids all the time. I know it's easy to jump to conclusions on DCUM based on a few facts, but she's not a mean girl and if she were we wouldn't stand for that. She's also not the only bossy girl we know at this age, one of her friends is way more of a "queen bee" so maybe it's a typical bossy girl thing like a Pp said? She's my oldest so I haven't navigated this age yet.

OP, you've continued to make excuses for your daughter's behavior. I think the problem really starts with you. Now you're trying to throw her friend under the bus by saying your daughter isn't the only bossy girl? You're coming across as a mean girl yourself and you aren't looking at your daughter's behavior objectively. Bossy and controlling are not okay - no matter what other kids do or how they act. Please stop trying to justify it. You're only going to hurt your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Damn, some of you are just determined to slam the OP!

OP, I have a boy that age that sounds similar. Very creative, tons of ideas, and he can be controlling and bossy in his execution, particularly if others go off his script. It has gotten better as he's gotten older.

Some things I do:

Before every play date, I remind him to consider what his friends want to do and remind him not to be too bossy.

We have very direct conversations where I tell him that other kids don't like feeling bossed around and he's going to lose friends. I don't really do the- how do you think they feel - angle, which I think is very popular now. I pretty clearly spell it out that certain behaviors will make people not like him. 1+1=2

He is well liked and has lots of friends so I think the above works pretty well, but he needs reminders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure it's not just normal girl bossiness? I have all boys and they say all girls are bossy in elementary school. I never hear about it anymore once they're in middle school. It seems to be a phase they all go through that works its way out.

This comment made me so, so sad. Boys are just as "bossy" as girls in ES. Girls get it metaphorically beat out of them by MS.

I don't think so. I see it myself and, having three boys, I'm around boys all the time. There's no comparison. Boys have their own annoying behaviors, and there are surely exceptions, but this is a girl thing. It just is.

[Anonymous]

I agree. OP came here looking for advice so obviously she's not condoning it. I'm the pp that was easily offended by the singleton inference but was corrected and recognized my misinterpretactions.

Op, the pp before me gave you good advice. I think the constant reminders might help. Also, if you see it happening, maybe pull her aside right them and there and talk to her about how her actions are affecting others and how she may lose friends. A reminder as its happen inge might work too.

[Anonymous]

Op returning again. My daughter is the one who seeks out the kids on the buddy bench on the playground who doesn't have anyone to play with and asks them to play--just not a mean girl.

I wish I knew how to convey her actions, it's more of a frustration about not being able to control a situation. Like she writes a play and asks friends to join her in acting it out and everyone gets excited and one kid decides to change his character to be a lion instead of a boy and she has a hard time because she wrote the play and in her head this character is a lion, not a boy. She has a hard time with flexibility.

I talked to her tonight and she was sobbing because she doesn't feel understood. I explained we all feel that way, but it's still not her job to be in control all the time. She said she understands.

I will look into therapists, we are in Va but I'm not against driving to bethesda if you have any suggestions.

I will also keep reminding her before school and before play dates (I think she's better at play dates actually) to take a step back and consider everyone's ideas even if she was the originator.

Thank you to those who gave suggestions, I will keep it up as I know she's a good kid and doesn't need a negative reputation as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

Op again rereading the replies. We have talked about the queen bee and she doesn't like when that girl is rude to other kids and will stop playing with her for awhile, but they have know each other forever and have the same group of friends so she does interact and see her often. We do ask her to put herself in others shoes and yes she can definitely have empathy for them. I really am leaning towards a therapist for anxiety now.

Oh and I love one of the first posters ideas about telling stories from childhood, I will do that, thanks!

[Anonymous]

My daughter had a friend who sounds like your daughter, OP, and it was frustrating for me to watch the dynamic because the friend was very controlling and inflexible and my daughter had no voice in the friendship. I learned from DCUM that a large contributor to this child's behavior could have been from anxiety. So perhaps there is something to that idea. Forgive me if you've already mentioned this, but have you spoken with your daughter's teachers and/or ped? Maybe they would have insight before you make the move to seeking out a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like shes a great kid. And a perfectionist. Not sure this merits therapy. Maybe yoga to deal with anxiety. Maybe. A team sports to learn how everyone contributes. Maybe baing mentored by an older girl who wont be bossed, but whom shell look up to. I was a very flexible kid, and often bossed by friends. Now i have a bossy, inflexible, mean woman boss. We all are different types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had a friend who sounds like your daughter, OP, and it was frustrating for me to watch the dynamic because the friend was very controlling and inflexible and my daughter had no voice in the friendship. I learned from DCUM that a large contributor to this child's behavior could have been from anxiety. So perhaps there is something to that idea. Forgive me if you've already mentioned this, but have you spoken with your daughter's teachers and/or ped? Maybe they would have insight before you make the move to seeking out a therapist.

Thanks for the insight. I'm sorry about your daughter. I actually don't see the bossy behavior in one on one situations as much as in group situations now that I read this. Her teacher has said she's great in class, very kind and helpful to all, on the anxious side but not at a level she's concerned about. Haven't talked to the pediatrician, but I will.

She used to hate large crowds and cry as a toddler, maybe this is a way she is expressing her discomfort with crowds? I feel like I need a therapist to help me figure this out!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like shes a great kid. And a perfectionist. Not sure this merits therapy. Maybe yoga to deal with anxiety. Maybe. A team sports to learn how everyone contributes. Maybe baing mentored by an older girl who wont be bossed, but whom shell look up to. I was a very flexible kid, and often bossed by friends. Now i have a bossy, inflexible, mean woman boss. We all are different types.

She is definitely a perfectionist. She is on a soccer team and is not bossy there, but maybe we could look into yoga or another sport as well. An older mentor is a great idea. Thanks!