9 year old girl getting a reputation of being bossy

[Anonymous]

Open, in your example, it sounds more like she is inflexible and had a very hard time with change - not being bossy.

Instead of talking to her about how others feel when she does this or encouraging her to acquiesce. I suggest talking to her about her own feelings of anxiety and talking through, "what would happen if boy was a lion? Talk through the scenario with her.
"Mary, then what would happen? Why is that bad? Let's think of the good things that could happen if boy was lion? What then?

Maybe do some role play and talk through each time the plans. Hanger.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, auto correct. Plans change, not hanger

[Anonymous]

OP I have two boys and two girls. Girls ARE bossy at that age or at least a lot are. Is she bossy with siblings, bff and you too? It tends to be a dynamic across the board for bossy girls.

What worries me is that you keep stressing that she includes the kids on the buddy bench or those not being included. To me that seems like she is targeting the weakest because she knows she can boss them around (in the guise of creating a game for example). While this is cute and endearing now it can be really problematic because she will become the mean girl as the kids figure her and realize she is just mean-- typically around 10/11.

You just need to watch her and offer more guidance in social settings. She actually may be really anxious in these social settings which comes out as controlling. She needs to learn to be more flexible because what is going to happen very soon is the girl dynamic is going to kick in and she will quickly become an outcast which will make ER even more anxious.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, I wouldn't worry about it. She sounds great.

Coach her when you see it on how to deal with frustration and on specific events that you see.But otherwise don't worry about it...the "bossy" skills will serve her as an adult...as she matures she'll get better at balancing because she'll have better perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My apologies to the parents of singletons, I didn't mean to say singletons can't share, but I mentioned she has multiple siblings to indicate that she isn't coddled at home, she doesn't get her way all the time. We don't excuse her behavior at all, it's been frustrating to deal with, which is why I'm looking for help.

When I say leader, I'm saying it because when I've asked mom friends for advice because I'm worried she's too bossy, my mom friends say "she's a natural leader". Her teachers have said this, too. She comes up with really creative exciting games and includes as many kids as possible, including kids who are shy and don't get asked to play a lot--this I feel is important info because she is not mean, she is incredibly kind. But her desire to create and lead a game drives her to want it to be exactly right, which leads her to be inflexible and then she gets frustrated when it doesn't go like she pictures it.

I hope this info gives a better picture of what's going on. Would still appreciate advice.

OP, many of us who have only children probably take more time to teach those social skills. Not trying to be harsh, but maybe she needs more 1-1 time and to be taught. It comes to some kids naturally and others need more support.

[Anonymous]

Explain to her that her behavior might hurt other kids' feelings and make them think she is being mean. It might seem obvious to you, but not to her. Role play scenarios with her. Give her a script for what would be nicer things to say when she wants her own way and others disagree. Repeat this kind of practice often or she will forget. I also have a little one who is insanely bossy without realizing how she comes across to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op returning again. My daughter is the one who seeks out the kids on the buddy bench on the playground who doesn't have anyone to play with and asks them to play--just not a mean girl.

I wish I knew how to convey her actions, it's more of a frustration about not being able to control a situation. Like she writes a play and asks friends to join her in acting it out and everyone gets excited and one kid decides to change his character to be a lion instead of a boy and she has a hard time because she wrote the play and in her head this character is a lion, not a boy. She has a hard time with flexibility.

I talked to her tonight and she was sobbing because she doesn't feel understood. I explained we all feel that way, but it's still not her job to be in control all the time. She said she understands.

I will look into therapists, we are in Va but I'm not against driving to bethesda if you have any suggestions.

I will also keep reminding her before school and before play dates (I think she's better at play dates actually) to take a step back and consider everyone's ideas even if she was the originator.

Thank you to those who gave suggestions, I will keep it up as I know she's a good kid and doesn't need a negative reputation as she gets older.

I mentioned this earlier. I recommend Leslie Zirkin - and she can probably recommend people closer to you as well. When you google her it comes up with her old Chevy Chase office but she is now in Bethesda

Leslie Zirkin, Clinical Psychologist, LLC
4630 Montgomery Avenue
Suite 410
Bethesda, Maryland 20817
[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again rereading the replies. We have talked about the queen bee and she doesn't like when that girl is rude to other kids and will stop playing with her for awhile, but they have know each other forever and have the same group of friends so she does interact and see her often. We do ask her to put herself in others shoes and yes she can definitely have empathy for them. I really am leaning towards a therapist for anxiety now.

Oh and I love one of the first posters ideas about telling stories from childhood, I will do that, thanks!

The inflexibility/bossiness as a result sounds like my 9 year old.

I don't remember too many stories from my childhood (I guess it was a long time ago) but I make-up little stories/parable that talk about the dilemna that my kids are facing and we discuss it, they love listening to it.
They know that we are talking about them but can discuss it without being defensive.

"once upon a time there was a group of girls Anna, Betty, Carla and Dina. Each had they qualities,.... Anna excelled at .. Carla would come up with the best games. Daria was the best at .... One day Carla wrote a great play. ...."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: to jump on the bandwagon, but OP, I do take issue with you implying that "only children" wouldn't know how to share/take turns by saying

She has siblings so she does have to take turns and share, that's not the issue, she's easy about things like that.

My only child has always had to take turns and share - probably more than yours because she is around adults a lot more and has to sit there and listen to adults talk and wait for an (according to her) excruciatingly long time.

Op did not imply only children don't know how to take turns. You are really reading into this. (I have an only child).

To other posters, I think op is talking about leadership in light of the newest philosophy that we must allow our daughters to be bossy, lest they lose the part of their personalities that would drive them to be CEOs in the future. Op seems to understand that meanness and bossiness will not win any friends. I don't see how op is condoning or excusing the behavior.

Being bossy is being a bitch. You don't need to be bossy to be a leader. If the idea is to be a dictator, then keep encouraging young girls to be bossy.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted about her before on here? It sounds familiar to me.

No, I haven't. I would love if someone would at least commiserate.

I think I was the poster, and part of our issue was that I work a lot and never scheduled play dates when DD was young and didn't have that learning on the job of being a friend. It was hard to coordinate since all her friends were SAHM and just did after school play dates and saved weekends for family time, and they just coordinated at pickup (rather than me needing to email and give a note and all that overhead).

[Anonymous]

Folks keep talking about books with stories that help demonstrate the pitfalls of being Bossy? Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Tell her to watch this, starting at 25 seconds (don't mind the two idiots at the beginning from 1 -25 seconds).

https://youtu.be/bzq36gQ68yw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to watch this, starting at 25 seconds (don't mind the two idiots at the beginning from 1 -25 seconds).

https://youtu.be/bzq36gQ68yw

LOL, this is perfect for her daughter to watch!
Then tell her to read the comments at the end of everyone who hates DW for being bossy... that will open her eyes.

[Anonymous]

I'd recommend asking your children's librarian for book recs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to watch this, starting at 25 seconds (don't mind the two idiots at the beginning from 1 -25 seconds).

https://youtu.be/bzq36gQ68yw

That is great!
Best line of the show "you have to be fun to have fun"

Boom!
Mic drop -Arthur.