What to do about DD who won't get up for school?

[Anonymous]

8th grade. Mostly all A's. Lots of friends, not being bullied or bullying anyone. Gets along with all teachers though dislikes misogynistic gym teacher. Has to be at school by 8:10. Today would not leave the house until 8:56 when I finally took her backpack and threw it into the hallway outside our apartment, with her keys. Then the second she stepped outside I slammed the door shut. I had woken her at 7:20.

When I go in every ten minutes she says "I'm up, I'm up." But then futzes around her room. Please do not say to take everything out of her room - we have a one bedroom apartment and there's nowhere else to put all her things. On Tuesday I couldn't get her up and she didn't go to school at all. Her first period is her favorite class with her favorite teacher. She's happy once she's AT school. Help.

[Anonymous]

Is there an underlying issue? I have a 6th grader and 9th grader and if one of them did that, I'd make sure they know how to set their alarm and tell them if they don't make it to school on time, no social plans at all and maybe no phone (except if you need it) until they attend school all day every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there an underlying issue? I have a 6th grader and 9th grader and if one of them did that, I'd make sure they know how to set their alarm and tell them if they don't make it to school on time, no social plans at all and maybe no phone (except if you need it) until they attend school all day every day.

Her alarm goes off and she ignores it. I have to go in and turn it off. Her social plans after school have now been canceled and she's grounded all next week. But that won't help to get her to school on time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe two alarms plus one that is on the other side of the room?

Maybe lay out clothes and breakfast the night before?

Maybe you need to think of something else she doesn't want taken away?

[Anonymous]

an hour of chores for every hour of school she misses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe two alarms plus one that is on the other side of the room?

Maybe lay out clothes and breakfast the night before?

Maybe you need to think of something else she doesn't want taken away?

She will lay out her clothes the night before, and then often change her mind in the mornings. Doesn't eat breakfast. She has to take her phone to school because she takes city transportation to/from so I can't take that away.

[Anonymous]

Do you know what time she's going to sleep at night? I'd make sure she is going to bed at a reasonable hour & make her give you her phone (& any other electronics she has) before she goes to bed to make sure she's actually sleeping (or attempting to, at least).

[Anonymous]

Have you for once considered that there could be some lingering medical issue that you are ignoring? Your approach of throwing her backpack into the hallway was terrible. You're an adult, so act like one. Stop doing childish things. There's a good chance she's either not getting enough sleep, is depressed, or has some other type of issue. Before you come down on her in an unnecessarily harsh manner, take her to the doctor and rule out medical issues. Just whatever you do, stop acting petulant yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you for once considered that there could be some lingering medical issue that you are ignoring? Your approach of throwing her backpack into the hallway was terrible. You're an adult, so act like one. Stop doing childish things. There's a good chance she's either not getting enough sleep, is depressed, or has some other type of issue. Before you come down on her in an unnecessarily harsh manner, take her to the doctor and rule out medical issues. Just whatever you do, stop acting petulant yourself.

She just went to the doctor early this month and is fine. She slept 8 solid hours last night and the night before. She is afflicted with acting like a brat. That's her only medical issue. At one point while I was telling her to get to school, she was LAUGHING. She was faux frantically looking around for her deodorant even though it was right on her bed, and then when she couldn't ignore me anymore made a big production of pulling her bedding apart "trying" to find it. She's full of crap.

[Anonymous]

How often is this happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often is this happening?

This week, twice. Sometimes it's a daily battle, sometimes it's "only" once or twice a week. Sometimes she'll get in a good groove and get herself off with minimal help all week.

[Anonymous]

I have a few things to suggest:

First, I have to agree with PP that you should think if there is an underlying mental health issue. I know a mom that insisted her kid is just lazy but it turns out he is depressed and now improving on medication. Most kids really aren't lazy.

Second, maybe call the school counselor and see if there are actually any issues at school? Maybe that she isn't telling you?

Third, maybe instead of punishments, try positive reinforcement. For every day she makes it to school on time, she gets x - (money, time with you or some other thing she wants) Or 5 days in a row and she gets to go out to dinner or whatever.

I also think you should stop completely with nagging her since it's maybe just a power struggle. She sets her alarm and leaves the house on time at 8:00 or whatever. Anytime she does that, reward, anytime she doesn't, she is punished or whatever or no reward.

But I would definitely stop begging her, waking her up again, throwing out her backpack. This is maybe an attention getter.

My 6th grader can get out of the house by himself (and he has ADHD) and I don't nag - your DD can too but you need to figure out what will it will take and if there are any real issues getting in the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you for once considered that there could be some lingering medical issue that you are ignoring? Your approach of throwing her backpack into the hallway was terrible. You're an adult, so act like one. Stop doing childish things. There's a good chance she's either not getting enough sleep, is depressed, or has some other type of issue. Before you come down on her in an unnecessarily harsh manner, take her to the doctor and rule out medical issues. Just whatever you do, stop acting petulant yourself.

She just went to the doctor early this month and is fine. She slept 8 solid hours last night and the night before. She is afflicted with acting like a brat. That's her only medical issue. At one point while I was telling her to get to school, she was LAUGHING. She was faux frantically looking around for her deodorant even though it was right on her bed, and then when she couldn't ignore me anymore made a big production of pulling her bedding apart "trying" to find it. She's full of crap.

8 hours of sleep is not enough for many 13/14-year-olds. It is on the very low end of the recommendation for teens 14 & older (& below the recommendation for 13-year-olds) so your DD may very well need more sleep to feel rested most mornings.I'm not saying this excuses her bratty behavior but you may have fewer struggles if she goes to bed (without her electronics!) an hour or so earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you for once considered that there could be some lingering medical issue that you are ignoring? Your approach of throwing her backpack into the hallway was terrible. You're an adult, so act like one. Stop doing childish things. There's a good chance she's either not getting enough sleep, is depressed, or has some other type of issue. Before you come down on her in an unnecessarily harsh manner, take her to the doctor and rule out medical issues. Just whatever you do, stop acting petulant yourself.

She just went to the doctor early this month and is fine. She slept 8 solid hours last night and the night before. She is afflicted with acting like a brat. That's her only medical issue. At one point while I was telling her to get to school, she was LAUGHING. She was faux frantically looking around for her deodorant even though it was right on her bed, and then when she couldn't ignore me anymore made a big production of pulling her bedding apart "trying" to find it. She's full of crap.

8 hours of sleep is not enough for many 13/14-year-olds. It is on the very low end of the recommendation for teens 14 & older (& below the recommendation for 13-year-olds) so your DD may very well need more sleep to feel rested most mornings.I'm not saying this excuses her bratty behavior but you may have fewer struggles if she goes to bed (without her electronics!) an hour or so earlier.

Can't get her to bed earlier, unfortunately. She will literally come out of her room like a 3 yr old over and over if I tried to send her to bed at 9 or 9:30. I've tried that.

[Anonymous]

Turn off the wifi and make her turn her phone in at night. Get her a flip phone that only makes calls until she shapes up.