What to do about DD who won't get up for school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get sick and tired of people blaming their child's inattentive adhd or add on things like getting up for school. What did our parents do or their parents' parents? add and adhd have been around for a long time, it just now has a 'name'.

To the OP, you have probably babied your child for way too long, so this is going to be hard to get her to be more responsible for herself. Getting up on time and getting to school on time is her job. Let her be late to school a few times and let her grades suffer. Better she learn this in 8th grade than 10th.

I know, right? I also get sick and tired of people blaming "food allergies" on their child's picky eating habits. What did our parents do instead of packing a PB&J for lunch.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you will consider that this is anxiety/depression. School refusal is like a runaway train, get a handle on it by looking for the problem, don't try to punish it out if her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turn off the wifi and make her turn her phone in at night. Get her a flip phone that only makes calls until she shapes up.

AND...we have a winner!

I like this idea as well. But first I would have the talk, asking her for idea as suggested by a PP. Let her know that if her am behavior does not change, you will do the above.

Personally, I think throwing her backpack out the door was kind of funny. Gotta keep a sense of humor with tweens/teens. Even if you are the only one smiling.

Also, I would try to stop all the negative yelling at her in the am. She might be enjoying getting you all worked up.

Also my DD's HS will give the kids a detention for an unexcused late arrival. The detentions are super boring (no books or anything allowed). Kids hate them which is the point.

OP, work hard to nip this in the bud. Most likely her attitude(s) are just gonna get worse in HS.

[Anonymous]

Couple ideas as the mother of a tween DD that behaves on occasion with similar drama. Four words:
Don't.take.the.bait. The tit for tat arguing and nagging is unfortunatley fueling the game. The night before calmly tell her you have been wrong in nagging and yelling and know she can do this in her own. Stay calm all morning and don't say a peep about what she should be doing even though she will be making you nuts.

Also no screens in the am for anyone. Even the most disciplined child wouldn't be able to resist.

My DD does need lots of sleep and claims she's not tired and then falls right to sleep. She's in her bed by 8:15 *consistently* every school night with no screens in her room. She can read, draw do whatever. She occasionally comes down and moans that she can't fall asleep so she can snuggle with me for 5 minutes but then back to bed (all calm like Super Nanny, remember her!). This could go 5 rounds in one night but it's rare. She's typically out cold by 8:45 or 9. Make sure she has books she likes available or magazines. My daughter likes my Entertainment Weekly

GOOD LUCK and stay calm!

[Anonymous]

Suck it up and parent. Get a belt and wear that ass out. The kid will fall in line. Unless you have waited too late.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like not enough sleep. You can't force her to sleep but you can enforce a no screen rules for 2+ hours before bed, take away devices, no TV, etc. She can read or hang but then in her room with lights low at a certain time.

8 hours probably isn't enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8th grade. Mostly all A's. Lots of friends, not being bullied or bullying anyone. Gets along with all teachers though dislikes misogynistic gym teacher. Has to be at school by 8:10. Today would not leave the house until 8:56 when I finally took her backpack and threw it into the hallway outside our apartment, with her keys. Then the second she stepped outside I slammed the door shut. I had woken her at 7:20.

Waking at 7:20 doesn't seem like it could possibly be enough time to BE at school at 8:10, especially not if she needs to walk to a bust stop and wait for the city bus?

Does she take 30 minutes to wake, groom, get dressed and eat? And then can commute to school in 20 minutes total?

I think you need to wake her (or she needs to wake herself) at least at 7:00 am.

My 6th grade wakes to 7:30 but doesn't need to be at school until 9:10.

I agree with others -- get her a flip phone for the bus ride if that is a concern, and take away the phone entirely until she proves she can get herself to school with no hassle. She can read at night but no screens.

[Anonymous]

How much does she sleep on weekends... when she doesn't have to wake up early? That might give an indication of how much sleep she actually needs versus what's she getting during the week.

[Anonymous]

I'd let her keep missing and showing up late. Don't write notes and don't call her in "sick." When you do call the school, state "she's not there b/c she wouldn't come." It'll get reported and a truancy officer will show up. That should scare her enough to get her act together.

My brother pulled similar stunts because he hated his first period class and teacher. If he wasn't oversleeping on purpose, he was missing the bus on purpose. But not just missing it, he'd miss the bus on purpose and then stand there until my mom had no choice but to drive him and he was sure he'd missed most of his 1st period class. She finally stopped waking him up or calling him in "sick" and after so many unexcused absences, the truancy officer showed up and told him he could either get himself to school or he could come and accompany him to school. The next morning the officer showed up just to prove he was serious and my brother got his act together and started going to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get sick and tired of people blaming their child's inattentive adhd or add on things like getting up for school. What did our parents do or their parents' parents? add and adhd have been around for a long time, it just now has a 'name'.

To the OP, you have probably babied your child for way too long, so this is going to be hard to get her to be more responsible for herself. Getting up on time and getting to school on time is her job. Let her be late to school a few times and let her grades suffer. Better she learn this in 8th grade than 10th.

You're ignorance is astounding. Although I don't have ADHD, I come from a family rife with it - and my DH has it as well as 2 of my kids. I also grew up on a farm. I can tell you what our parents and grandparents did.
-We always went to bed at the same time.
-We got up at the same time every single days (cows have to be fed/milked)
-We had no screen time in the evening - no personal devices and only got 4 channels through the antennae
-We got a lot of 'heavy work' during the day - meaning we engaged in muscle building activities at least 2x/day and our activities were 'robust' (ever lift a bale of hay or a 10 gallon bucket of feed?)
-We got a lot of aerobic activity during the day. Our driveway alone was a quarter mile long. The furthest barn was also a quarter mile from the house. On weekends, if we wanted to anywhere, we had to walk or ride a bike. The nearest neighbor was 1/2 mile away.
-Our lives were governed by routine because a lot of things had to be done every day, at the same time every day.

THAT is what our parents and grandparents did. It's what I try do with my kids in a very different environment. The agricultural 'lifestyle' is much better suited for someone with ADHD than the suburban/urban lifestyle we have now.

Well I grew up exactly how you detailed it above and it sucked and I hated it and as soon as I was independent I left!

[Anonymous]

Does she have a phone, tablet, or computer? Are they shut off every night, plugged by your bed and not allowed to be used by 9pm. Wifi code changed?

Sounds sleep deprivation to me. You may think she is going to be but I guarantee she gets up while you are sleeping and checks phone, netflix, may even sneak out. Who knows.

Either way, make rules and abide by them. Don't try and get her up, don't argue or negotiate with her. Just write out these very simple rules on the fridge

1 day late for school = 2 days of no phone.
2 days late for school in 1 week = no phone for a week (on top of 2 days) and loss of all electronics - any computer needed for school, she goes to library or school.
3 days late for school in 1 week = no electronics at all for a week, no weekend socialization, no weekend wifi, home immediately after school for 2 weeks. Meeting with principal about how to resolve the tardy issue.


And who cares if she uses public transportation. She doesn't have to have a phone. It is a privilege. She thinks you think she "has" to have a phone so she abuses you and your little power over her. She has an emergency? She walk into a store and ask for their phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get sick and tired of people blaming their child's inattentive adhd or add on things like getting up for school. What did our parents do or their parents' parents? add and adhd have been around for a long time, it just now has a 'name'.

To the OP, you have probably babied your child for way too long, so this is going to be hard to get her to be more responsible for herself. Getting up on time and getting to school on time is her job. Let her be late to school a few times and let her grades suffer. Better she learn this in 8th grade than 10th.

You're ignorance is astounding. Although I don't have ADHD, I come from a family rife with it - and my DH has it as well as 2 of my kids. I also grew up on a farm. I can tell you what our parents and grandparents did.
-We always went to bed at the same time.
-We got up at the same time every single days (cows have to be fed/milked)
-We had no screen time in the evening - no personal devices and only got 4 channels through the antennae
-We got a lot of 'heavy work' during the day - meaning we engaged in muscle building activities at least 2x/day and our activities were 'robust' (ever lift a bale of hay or a 10 gallon bucket of feed?)
-We got a lot of aerobic activity during the day. Our driveway alone was a quarter mile long. The furthest barn was also a quarter mile from the house. On weekends, if we wanted to anywhere, we had to walk or ride a bike. The nearest neighbor was 1/2 mile away.
-Our lives were governed by routine because a lot of things had to be done every day, at the same time every day.

THAT is what our parents and grandparents did. It's what I try do with my kids in a very different environment. The agricultural 'lifestyle' is much better suited for someone with ADHD than the suburban/urban lifestyle we have now.

Well I grew up exactly how you detailed it above and it sucked and I hated it and as soon as I was independent I left!

Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Once again DD tried to not go to school. She left ten minutes after school starts for the day. She didn't fall asleep until 2 or 3am (she has had no phone since Tuesday). She got up claiming she threw up in the middle of the night but I would have heard it plus she would have woken me up to tell me. Also, this weekend she was supposed to clean up her room. She didn't. Yesterday when I got home at 5:30 I told her to clean it up and throw out all the garbage. She didn't.

Here are the punishments she'll get when she gets home today:

1. Her Melanie Martinez shrine in her bedroom will be boxed up and taken away.
2. She will not be allowed to go on the sleepover her friends planned as a birthday celebration (her birthday was yesterday) for this Saturday night
3. She will have to wear the "shirt of shame" - a shirt I buy that she hates - I warned her the key word would be "blouse" - this is a kid who only wears black and white and grey tshirts so this will be horrible.

I want her to just GO. Every single day. Without a fight. She is NOT being bullied. She HAS lovely friends. Her teachers all like her. She gets good grades with minimal effort. The administration likes her. I am at a loss.

[Anonymous]

I am cheering for you OP, stay strong. good luck and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I can't remember if it's been mentioned on this thread, but read Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. It's a really great book about parenting teens.