Small vent

[Anonymous]

Hi All. I know that my current challenge pales in comparison to many, but this is a supportive (and blissfully anonymous) space so I just need to vent for a minute

I have a very challenging 5 1/2 yr old boy. He has no diagnoses, but he is definitely a candidate for an oppositional defiance diagnosis if things don't change in the near future. He has little impulse control or emotional regulation when upset or frustrated, and he throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way, loses at a game, etc... He is better than he was a year or two ago - and we are working our fingers to the bone to achieve that small progress (lots of reading, Kazdin, behavior modification, professional advice from psychologists, etc...) but we have a long way to go.

Today we got an earful from his preschool teacher about what a challenge he is, how this week was better but last week was bad, this kind of behavior really won't fly in kindergarten, etc... She wasn't saying anything we don't know, but she also was telling us all of this during a festival - not as part of a parent teacher meeting, some direct communication about a challenge, a conversation about working with our son productively (or just problem solving). I just would have hoped that the school would be in touch with us more consistently about working with him (or not being able to handle it if that's the case), or about how they perceive his behavior and what they recommend- given that they are the professionals.

I know some of this is just being being embarrassed, defensive, and sad/worried about my son. But it also makes me kind of mad, and really worried about next year when he's in public school.

Our child psychologist doesn't think he's in need of medication or intervention - just that we have to learn how to parent him and work to modify his behavior. But I have days like today when I feel so scared about what we might be facing, so sad about what we may never have (easy, joyous parenting) and just kind of hopeless. And this is on the heels of a significantly better week with him. So it feels a bit like my moment of feeling like we could breathe a bit just got ripped away.

Anyway, that's my vent. If any of you have words of wisdom I'd welcome them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he needs a different school environment and that one is not a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he needs a different school environment and that one is not a good fit.

Yes, he might. At this point we only have about 4 1/2 months left there though so switching doesn't make a lot of sense. But I'm hoping that a more structured and teaching environment (as opposed to this play based preschool) will challenge him in good ways that help address some of the behavior. But I'm also mindful of not wanting to make excuses for him. He is a legitimate challenge.

[Anonymous]

I came here to read a small vent and was greeted by a wall of text...

[Anonymous]

The teacher was out of line, OP.

[Anonymous]

Couple of things because I too had "the bad kid" in pre-school. He wasn't bad in actuality, he just needed more supports than the school could give him.

I would hope you have started the Child Find process by now to smooth the way into K. If not, get going ASAP. Sounds like he will need an IEP.

Another thing that helped with pre-k was that I was up-front with the teacher and always reached out to her. This didn't solve all my kid's problems, but it helped us problem-solve together. I recommend that you reach out ASAP with an email that a) shows that you heard what she said; b) shows that you are working behind the scenes with a professional and; c) solicit her ideas on what can be don to have a successful rest of the year.

You may be doing all of this stuff. If that is the case, you can always say to a teacher: can we set a time to discuss these issues in private and at a more convenient time?

[Anonymous]

Op I think you're a bit in denial. You need an iep. She's telling you that. He sounds like he has ADHD. You and your child psych may not know that because many kids have a much harder time with more people around. that's why they ask for teacher input. Call child find.

[Anonymous]

He is 5 1/2? Why is he not in kindergarten?

[Anonymous]

If he's difficult at school and home, it means that it isn't just your parenting. Accept now that it will be challenging. You will need an IEP and a behavior plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think you're a bit in denial. You need an iep. She's telling you that. He sounds like he has ADHD. You and your child psych may not know that because many kids have a much harder time with more people around. that's why they ask for teacher input. Call child find.

And yes it was rude and mean of her. But this is why you get an iep. So stuff like this doesn't happen. And your kid gets the support he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think you're a bit in denial. You need an iep. She's telling you that. He sounds like he has ADHD. You and your child psych may not know that because many kids have a much harder time with more people around. that's why they ask for teacher input. Call child find.

And follow the advice of your child's psychologist and learn how to parent better. Behavioral Therapy at KKI Outpatient. Or classes--Dr. Hackney in VA or Dr. Shapiro in DC/MD.

ODD is pretty rare, OP, but I do think you have a full blown case of denial and are trying to pass the buck on to the school and current teacher. Warning bells have been ringing for a while. It's up to you to get the help your kid needs.

[Anonymous]

Ok everyone, OP here.

I don't think we're in a "full blown case of denial". We have sought ongoing professional advice, have been upfront with the school when we enrolled and throughout the two years our kids have been in the preschool, and we readily acknowledge that our son presents a serious challenge.

19:00 - I'm not familiar with ChildFind but I will look into that. Thank you.

If his challenges merit an IEP we will certainly pursue and support that.

I was mostly saying that I think she could have chosen a better time and approach, and that I - like many other parents - struggle with the ongoing challenge of recognizing my child's struggles, while also loving him fiercely.

He is not in kindergarten yet because his birthday is 3 weeks after the enrollment cutoff in our county and we didn't fight that because he can clearly benefit from some more time and maturity.

Perhaps I underestimated the supportive nature of this board.

[Anonymous]

Correction: OVER estimated

[Anonymous]

We're not trying to be unsupportive op. But a few things 1. Your son's issues sound just like many of ours. In no way do your concerns seem wan in the face of say, mine. This is one reason why I think you're in denial. Your son is having a rough time. He has special needs. 2. Your son needs more help than you're getting in a small private school without an iep. You need to hear that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok everyone, OP here.

I don't think we're in a "full blown case of denial". We have sought ongoing professional advice, have been upfront with the school when we enrolled and throughout the two years our kids have been in the preschool, and we readily acknowledge that our son presents a serious challenge.

19:00 - I'm not familiar with ChildFind but I will look into that. Thank you.

If his challenges merit an IEP we will certainly pursue and support that.

I was mostly saying that I think she could have chosen a better time and approach, and that I - like many other parents - struggle with the ongoing challenge of recognizing my child's struggles, while also loving him fiercely.

He is not in kindergarten yet because his birthday is 3 weeks after the enrollment cutoff in our county and we didn't fight that because he can clearly benefit from some more time and maturity.

Perhaps I underestimated the supportive nature of this board.

OP, don't worry about the PP who was asking about why he wasn't in K yet. She's just a weirdo who is obsessed with kids starting K at 5.

Childfind is how you get an IEP. Of course you love your kid, but being aware of his serious issues for 2 years sounds a little like denial. I'm trying to say this supportively.