Small vent

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you came here for. I say vent away. This shit is hard and not what you envision when the second pink line shows up your pregnancy test. My child is younger so we're not quite there yet but we're definitely concerned for what public school is going to look like when we get there. Definitely contact Child Find. I called in September to make our referral and we finally have our IEP meeting set for the end of February. Get your child all the supports you can to be successful and know you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're not trying to be unsupportive op. But a few things 1. Your son's issues sound just like many of ours. In no way do your concerns seem wan in the face of say, mine. This is one reason why I think you're in denial. Your son is having a rough time. He has special needs. 2. Your son needs more help than you're getting in a small private school without an iep. You need to hear that.

Ok.

I will give this serious thought. It isn't what I expected to hear, but maybe it's what I need to hear.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you are doing the right things, you are just still in the detective work phase of figuring things out. Hang in there, it's hard. It will get better.

I'd call Child Find right away because I think they have some kind of cut off before kindergarten begins (I'm remembering they won't evaluate after March?) and it would likely make things easier if you can get an IEP now instead of during K. If you can get him half an hour a week of speech or something at your home elementary school for the end of this year then they will know him and might do a better job selecting a K teacher who will be a good fit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would also call KKI and/or Children's to schedule neuropsych testing. It normally takes months to get an appointment (which is why I say call now). I would do childfind as well, but if it were me I would want private testing done in addition. FWIW, my kid was the complete opposite of yours in preschool. He was the kid who sat in the corner and never spoke. He could play for hours with things he enjoyed, but when asked to transition he would literally blow a gasket. We started with a psychologist, ended up doing OT and speech. Finally did a neuropsych at age 8 (wish we had done it at least a year earlier though) and then again at almost 12. It's only now (at 12) that we have a really good idea and handle on DS's issues. He is getting the help he needs and is actually in a good place. My point is that it can take YEARS to get there. And, yes, when DS was younger DH and I were somewhat in denial. I look back now and wonder why, but I realize it's a process we had to go through.

I also agree that you need to start the process of getting an IEP before K.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I don't think anyone means to gang up on you here. I'm the mom of "the bad kid." We tried almost every reward and punishment to get my child to "behave" in school. Nothing worked.

We then pursued simultaneous evaluations from Child Find and Kennedy Krieger. Once we understood what was going on and what he needed, things got a lot better. It wasn't easy, but it got better. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I think OP came here to vent about being confronted by a teacher at a social event about the teacher having had a "bad" week with her child.

And I think OP is fully justified that the teacher should not have approached her that way. Whether OP is so much in denial that she believes the moon launch never happened or not, a teacher should not approach you at a carnival to rant at you about your child's behavior. It's unprofessional and inappropriate.

OP, this is generally a kind forum but people will scold and school you about anything. Sorry about that.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you had to deal with this conversation at a school function. That is inappropriate.

Be thankful she is giving you some feedback though. We For a solid year we thought everything was going ok.. and at the end of the year, they told us how it was not going well. I alway appreciate the honesty from teacher obviously when it is given in the appropriate setting.

I would recommend a developmental pediatrician and also maybe consider the different school settings for next year.. Maybe one that a more active school if you can go the private school route.

Good luck figuring everything out. Kids are tough but the "bad" kids at 5 years old are not bad kids.. they are struggling. My kiddo was the bad kid.. change in environment and change in supports and he is doing great at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi All. I know that my current challenge pales in comparison to many, but this is a supportive (and blissfully anonymous) space so I just need to vent for a minute

I have a very challenging 5 1/2 yr old boy. He has no diagnoses, but he is definitely a candidate for an oppositional defiance diagnosis if things don't change in the near future. He has little impulse control or emotional regulation when upset or frustrated, and he throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way, loses at a game, etc... He is better than he was a year or two ago - and we are working our fingers to the bone to achieve that small progress (lots of reading, Kazdin, behavior modification, professional advice from psychologists, etc...) but we have a long way to go.

Today we got an earful from his preschool teacher about what a challenge he is, how this week was better but last week was bad, this kind of behavior really won't fly in kindergarten, etc... She wasn't saying anything we don't know, but she also was telling us all of this during a festival - not as part of a parent teacher meeting, some direct communication about a challenge, a conversation about working with our son productively (or just problem solving). I just would have hoped that the school would be in touch with us more consistently about working with him (or not being able to handle it if that's the case), or about how they perceive his behavior and what they recommend- given that they are the professionals.

I know some of this is just being being embarrassed, defensive, and sad/worried about my son. But it also makes me kind of mad, and really worried about next year when he's in public school.

Our child psychologist doesn't think he's in need of medication or intervention - just that we have to learn how to parent him and work to modify his behavior. But I have days like today when I feel so scared about what we might be facing, so sad about what we may never have (easy, joyous parenting) and just kind of hopeless. And this is on the heels of a significantly better week with him. So it feels a bit like my moment of feeling like we could breathe a bit just got ripped away.

Anyway, that's my vent. If any of you have words of wisdom I'd welcome them.

What kind of resources did your child's psychologist recommend to help you and your DH on your parenting skills? Many of us have been in similar spots where we had a child that needed a different parenting strategy than the one we had been using. Have you investigated a social skills group for your DC? My oldest went to a weekly session where there was also a monthly parenting group that helped with sharpening our parenting skills too.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize. It is embarrassing and awkward for the teacher to bring that up at a freaking carnival.

ODD is not a thing that exists by itself especially in a preschooler. There is an underlying cause for his behavior. remember-kids do well when they can. he can't, so you need to figure out why he can't. I would get on the lists for an eval at Kki and Childrens and also start the public school IEP process.

I have a child with severe behavioral problems who started K with an IEP and I was taken aback with how frequently the school contacted me with seemingly small behavioral issues. He was even suspended several times. I can only imagine how stressful this would have been without an IEP.

[Anonymous]

I question your psychologist's advice. If things are this bad at school, in addition to parent education, you should be more aggressive in seeking evaluations, therapies and possibly medication. I agree that ODD is a rare diagnosis and many kids with the behaviors you describe feel out of control due to sensory issues, anxiety, LDs, ADHD... you need to investigate all these avenues.

I also agree that the teacher was way out of line discussing this at school event. Maybe scheduling a regular check in with her for feedback would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP -- the child you describe, with these issues, should have been referred to Child Find way earlier and/or placed in a school setting (PEP, for example) with more supports and teachers who understand how to work with kids with special needs.

You suspect your child may have ODD, has had ongoing issues for years, yet he is unsupported in a mainstream pre-k at age 5 1/2? This is why you are getting pushback from the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- the child you describe, with these issues, should have been referred to Child Find way earlier and/or placed in a school setting (PEP, for example) with more supports and teachers who understand how to work with kids with special needs.

You suspect your child may have ODD, has had ongoing issues for years, yet he is unsupported in a mainstream pre-k at age 5 1/2? This is why you are getting pushback from the group.

In OP's defense, we got years of bad or inadequate advice from our pediatrician and psychologists we consulted about my DS. It was YEARS before I assembled a team of people whose advice I trust and who are on point figuring out what works best with my DS, who is now a teenager.


My advice is, if you are trying something and it's not helping, try something else. Keep trying until things start to improve. It often feels like trying to find your way out of a maze in the pitch dark. Keep looking for people with a flashlight.

[Anonymous]

I am so, so sick of everyone on this board insisting that new posters or people just starting out with figuring out how to help their kid are all "in serious denial." It is a journey, and those of us who have kids with special needs should all know that. OP, I'm sorry you had a tough week. This stuff is so challenging. I don't think you sound like you are in denial. I think you sound like you acknowledge there are issues beyond your expertise and want to help your kid. I agree with the recommendation to seek an evaluation so that you have a better idea what is going on and the next steps in addressing the issues that are affecting your child and family right now. Good luck to you, and please don't feel discouraged from posting here.

[Anonymous]

Oh for God's sake, people, give OP a break! Don't you remember those awful years between 3-6 when you went between grief, anger, exhaustion - all in one week? Remember, too, that she's been living a reality that she's normalized, so while she acknowledges the situation is bad, she doesn't really know how bad it is b/c she's in the middle of it.

OP, hugs. This shit is hard. I agree with a pp that you're lucky that the teacher is talking to you. That's a plus. Unfortunately, she needs to figure out a time that's good for both of you. Of course you felt bad hearing crappy news at what was supposed to be a fun event!

I agree that you may need a private eval to rule out - or in - ADHD, learning disabilities, etc. 5 1/2 is a little young, but if his behaviors are really that challenging, maybe one is in order. And find a competent child psychologist. When they are good, they are worth their weight in gold.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is how out of touch ops post sounded which I agree is perhaps a combination of factors. But the lead, that it was so minimal compared to issues others of us are dealing with, conveyed a serious disconnect. My son had behavior issues at 3-4, and they've changed, and drastically improved at 5, because we did pep and intensive therapies. If I had just kept him in regular preschool and seen a child psych only we probably would still be dealing with that stuff. That's why people are coming down hard on op. She's avoiding dealing with it head on. A possible odd diagnosis at 5 without another disgnosis is unlikely.