Small vent

[Anonymous]

Echoing ChildFind. It's free!!! You can find the number of the county's site. I would start now to work on assessments and give his future K school time to plan out resources if he ends up needing them. Starting now may also help you plan on what daycare/camp you might need for the summer. He may need a place that can be more supportive to you and your child without the b*tch sessions.

DS had a preschool teacher that had many sessions like you described with myself and my husband. This was not the teacher for him, so I pulled him. DS was a handful at home and school but grew up a bit once we pulled him from the school. His K teacher hasn't really had a complaint about him since starting school. I honestly think that DS wasn't engaged and challenged enough in pre-K because he was one of the oldest kids in there. Being around kids that are almost a full year younger than him didn't help either. For those wondering, he missed the cut-off by 12 days.

Its hard starting down this road, but worth it once you figure things out. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so, so sick of everyone on this board insisting that new posters or people just starting out with figuring out how to help their kid are all "in serious denial." It is a journey, and those of us who have kids with special needs should all know that. OP, I'm sorry you had a tough week. This stuff is so challenging. I don't think you sound like you are in denial. I think you sound like you acknowledge there are issues beyond your expertise and want to help your kid. I agree with the recommendation to seek an evaluation so that you have a better idea what is going on and the next steps in addressing the issues that are affecting your child and family right now. Good luck to you, and please don't feel discouraged from posting here.

I agree with this and the pp who mentioned the many professionals who gave bad advice or missed diagnoses. My child with SN is my oldest and he has severe behavioral problems. I didn't totally realize just how far outside the norm he was until my other two children were born and became school age, etc. and you see how kids "typically" behave. It was a slow learning curve for me.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm surprised your psychologist hasn't recommended that you get a full neuropsych evaluation for your son. Is anything else going on with him? Does he show signs of ADHD, anxiety or sensory issues? My son has all three and they contribute to his "unspecified ODD" diagnosis. It sounds to me like you have been doing all you can with behavior therapy, but as some other posters have noted - there may be more than meets the eye with him.

It does sound he might need an IEP or at least 504 accommodations. Its hard for me to say, because I don't know how your son's behaviors compare to my son's. My child is not in regular K class. We knew even before K that he would not be, but we had full evaluation and IEP meetings to determine that. I'm concerned that if you don't get an eval and IEP, your son will start K, be labeled as a "bad" kid and then shortly thereafter get moved into a special ed class. Nothing wrong with a special ed class of course - my son is in one and it works very well for him. But I would not want my child to be moved when he already started in a regular classroom. I think that can be really hard.

Anyway, maybe your son's behaviors are nowhere near where my son's were, but I think you need to get testing done to know what specifically you are dealing with. If its nothing - great. But if there are issues going on, better to know now before he starts in K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would also call KKI and/or Children's to schedule neuropsych testing. It normally takes months to get an appointment (which is why I say call now). I would do childfind as well, but if it were me I would want private testing done in addition. FWIW, my kid was the complete opposite of yours in preschool. He was the kid who sat in the corner and never spoke. He could play for hours with things he enjoyed, but when asked to transition he would literally blow a gasket. We started with a psychologist, ended up doing OT and speech. Finally did a neuropsych at age 8 (wish we had done it at least a year earlier though) and then again at almost 12. It's only now (at 12) that we have a really good idea and handle on DS's issues. He is getting the help he needs and is actually in a good place. My point is that it can take YEARS to get there. And, yes, when DS was younger DH and I were somewhat in denial. I look back now and wonder why, but I realize it's a process we had to go through.

I also agree that you need to start the process of getting an IEP before K.

I don't know about KKI but Children's is not accepting any new patients for developmental pediatricians and for testing. We tired after we were referred to them last week. They basically shut the door on our faces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so, so sick of everyone on this board insisting that new posters or people just starting out with figuring out how to help their kid are all "in serious denial." It is a journey, and those of us who have kids with special needs should all know that. OP, I'm sorry you had a tough week. This stuff is so challenging. I don't think you sound like you are in denial. I think you sound like you acknowledge there are issues beyond your expertise and want to help your kid. I agree with the recommendation to seek an evaluation so that you have a better idea what is going on and the next steps in addressing the issues that are affecting your child and family right now. Good luck to you, and please don't feel discouraged from posting here.

+1, not all things show up and a quick ped appointment doesn't usually come up with concerns. I knew early on but most people I know don't or would even know the signs to look for. My first thought is it is not a good school fit but OP is right that it does not make sense to switch now.

[Anonymous]

While the teacher was out of line, I am thinking the psychologist is as well.
He needs a full neuropsych ... and most likely a new school environment.
Good luck...it's a long road...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would also call KKI and/or Children's to schedule neuropsych testing. It normally takes months to get an appointment (which is why I say call now). I would do childfind as well, but if it were me I would want private testing done in addition. FWIW, my kid was the complete opposite of yours in preschool. He was the kid who sat in the corner and never spoke. He could play for hours with things he enjoyed, but when asked to transition he would literally blow a gasket. We started with a psychologist, ended up doing OT and speech. Finally did a neuropsych at age 8 (wish we had done it at least a year earlier though) and then again at almost 12. It's only now (at 12) that we have a really good idea and handle on DS's issues. He is getting the help he needs and is actually in a good place. My point is that it can take YEARS to get there. And, yes, when DS was younger DH and I were somewhat in denial. I look back now and wonder why, but I realize it's a process we had to go through.

I also agree that you need to start the process of getting an IEP before K.

I don't know about KKI but Children's is not accepting any new patients for developmental pediatricians and for testing. We tired after we were referred to them last week. They basically shut the door on our faces.

Really, they won't even give you an appointment?

[Anonymous]

Op in the special needs world, even this supportive forum, behavioral issues are generally the third rail. In the hierarchy of needs, they are generally considered the worst. Schools won't take kids with them and other special needs parents are not very tolerant of them. You also have to remember that in this forum the most active posters are not kids who are severely impaired. Your kids needs are probably similar if not actually right now much worse than what many people are dealing with on here. That's the reality.

So the reason behavior issues are so shunned is because often they go away if the kid is supported correctly. When that hasn't happened, it's the parents' fault generally. Even if that's not fair. So get your kid the right support.

[Anonymous]

^^^Your second paragraph is completely false.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^Your second paragraph is completely false.

How so? Many do. Some don't of course.

[Anonymous]

I echo what PP said about how it sometimes feels like you're hunting around in the dark with a flashlight. In the first year we saw so many different specialists but it's only now, 3 years later, that I feel like we have a full picture of DS. DS was high needs in early childhood but in a supportive PK was doing fine .. then we hit K. Maybe we were in denial too, but sometimes you just don't know until the child is suddenly not coping anymore.

Regarding ODD ... it really is kind of the 3rd rail. Based on conversations with various psychologists, I think there are many more kids who meet the criteria than actually receive the diagnosis because it's somewhat controversial. ODD usually arises because there is something else going on (ADHD, ASD, ...) and the child begins acting out. My DS was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and depression at 6yo, then ADHD and LD at 7 (lost the depression diagnosis and she didn't officially diagnose ODD even though he still met the criteria), and now ASD and anxiety at 8yo. The truth of the matter is ODD rose out of ASD, LD, and anxiety in combination with his high intelligence and environments/expectations he where he couldn't cope. Modifying our parenting has helped tremendously, as well as discussing his "brain wiring" with him, getting him in a supportive school, therapy, and medication. The vast majority of kids like my DS outgrow their ODD diagnosis when their impulse control matures and they've learned ways to compensate, which I think is part of why it is considered controversial. Once we understood DS's rigid thinking, perseveration, and anxiety, the ODD part made sense.

Anyhow ... you have gotten some good advice. If you don't want to do a private evaluation now, at least start with Child Find. If you're not satisfied with their testing, you can get them to pay for additional testing with the psychologist of your choice using the IEE process. If you're able to start now, you should have an IEP/504 in place at the start of K.

Email the teacher. You can request regular meetings, notes, regular emails .. whatever .. and work out a process that doesn't involve getting ambushed at social events. There's nothing that will change a highly energetic and impulsive child into a retiring wallflower, but maybe you can work with her on appropriate expectations, rewards, and consistency between PK and home. Your child's behavior isn't an indictment of him or of your parenting and it can get better with help.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thank you all, even those of you whose responses didn't feel terribly supportive. You gave me a lot to think about.

I have gotten the Child Find info for our area and I will be contacting them for an evaluation.

I am sorry if I seemed dismissive or minimizing of my son's challenges in my initial post in a way that was offensive to some of you. I said that I know my concerns pale in comparison to those of many others because that's what I feel. I have a healthy, mostly happy, smart, boy and I'm reasonably certain that we will figure out how to provide whatever he needs to be successful. I do feel that my problems could be infinitely worse. And my son is not my only child, so I have some frame of reference for typical versus more problematic behaviors. But I am suitably chastened that I should not dangerously confident and I have a broader understanding of some of these things after reading all of your feedback.

I'm not going to address individual points - obviously a full picture of any child or family can't be gleaned from a few sentences. I will say that my son - based on professional advice from a developmental pediatrician and a clinical psychiatrist (both of whom we like and trust, though not yet including ChildFind or a Kennedy Krieger equivalent) meets NONE of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, ADD, Anxiety disorders, or learning disabilities of any kind. We have looked directly at those possibilities. Nor does he meet the criteria for ODD - though that is the kind of criteria that best provide a "shorthand" for the challenges we face. But his behavior does not rise (yet) to the level that is diagnoseable, I was probably too flippant in using that term here. In any case, the approaches recommended whether he is diagnosed or not are the same - significant parent training, CBT, etc... And we have been actively working on that, with positive results, for some time, it just isn't a straight line and when we veer off track it gets discouraging and I need to vent, as I did on Saturday.

If I were starting over with this child, knowing what i know now, I would probably have made a different choice with preschool, and would have started some of our interventions sooner. But - like everyone - I don't have the benefit of hindsight. I am smart enough to respect the advice you have given me though, and I will follow some of it. In addition to ChildFind I think it's a particularly good idea that I explore possible summer options to prepare him for kindergarten.

So thank you all, and I especially appreciate those of you who framed your advice kindly.

[Anonymous]

Op, what's missing in your post is understanding about what's happening at school. School finds him to be a serious problem it sounds like. That's what you stated. The issue really is that no kindergarten is putting up with this without an iep and it doesn't matter how brilliant and healthy and non Special needs your kid is if he can't function in a small preschool environment. You do need a game plan so it's best for everyone that you're thinking about it. I doubt your son will qualify for an iep and I doubt you'd really want him to. That's what I get from you. So you need to figure out other options. It's late in the game to have severe behavior issues.

[Anonymous]

Op, having gone through a similar situation, getting your child evaluated is going to be very helpful for not only getting your child the assistance he may need, but also helping you understand why he's behaving this way. It does get better and a good workup can really help.

[Anonymous]

Maybe another year of preschool at a different preschool before K would be a good idea.