New situation to talk about with my teen son...

[Anonymous]

DH and I have covered sex, consent, no means no, etc. with our teen son, but now we have a new scenario to teach him about.

My friend's teen son in college was arrested for sexual assault recently. She shared with me and a few other close friends what happened so that we could use her son's mistake to educate our kids. It's honestly not a scenario I'd thought to cover with him.

He met a girl at a football game and they hit it off. They exchanged info. and went on some dates. They began exclusively dating and having a sexual relationship and things were fine. They had sex one evening and she stayed the night with him. He thought it would be "cute and romantic" to wake her up the next morning with oral sex. She was angry when she woke up and told him that was not okay with her. He apologized and she said she needed to re-evaluate their relationship. No contact happened for a little over a week and then he was called in by one of the dean's because the assault was reported by her. Interviews happened and the case was turned over to the local authorities. More interviews and investigating happened and he was arrested by the local police in his college town. He was released on bond and was told to have no contact with her until the school finished their investigation process. He got called before the disciplinary committee right before school let out for winter break and was expelled from college for violating the university's integrity code.

We had the talk with our son that if a woman gives consent and during the act says she'd like to stop, you stop. If during the act she seems like she's in pain or uncomfortable but doesn't say anything, you stop. We've told him that kissing doesn't equal permission to be handsy. Agreeing to oral sex doesn't equal permission to have sex. And now we're going to talk to him about this type of situation this weekend. I was raped, which DH knows, and so we've been a bit more explicit with our kids than maybe other people are. Stressing the importance of consent, drinking, boundaries, emotions, etc. But this scenario is honestly never one that crossed my mind.

I used to think having a teen girl was more stressful, but as my son gets older, I realize that having a teen that could possibly be (or is) sexually active is the most stressful of all, regardless of gender.

[Anonymous]

"Cute and romantic" to engage in oral sex with someone who is asleep and therefore definitely not able to give consent? WTF??? I don't see how that is anything other than assault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Cute and romantic" to engage in oral sex with someone who is asleep and therefore definitely not able to give consent? WTF??? I don't see how that is anything other than assault.

Really? You've never read a book, seen a movie, anything, in which it's depicted as a sexy way to interact with your mate? Have you been living on the moon?

[Anonymous]

Good god. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Cute and romantic" to engage in oral sex with someone who is asleep and therefore definitely not able to give consent? WTF??? I don't see how that is anything other than assault.

I don't see it as assault either. There has to be more to this story! I'm married and DH and I do this sometimes. In a relationship I don't see the issue.

[Anonymous]

If that story is completely accurate, "consent" is a little out of control. Nobody has ever woken up their DH with a BJ? (Not judging by the complaining men on here...I know). I have a really hard time believing that someone's girlfriend would get so angry over this that they would report them. Telling him to stop and that you don't like it, sure. But the rest? SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Good god. Ridiculous.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Cute and romantic" to engage in oral sex with someone who is asleep and therefore definitely not able to give consent? WTF??? I don't see how that is anything other than assault.

I don't see it as assault either. There has to be more to this story! I'm married and DH and I do this sometimes. In a relationship I don't see the issue.

Out culture is out of control. Men would he better off if they decided to abandon women all together and just have sex with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Cute and romantic" to engage in oral sex with someone who is asleep and therefore definitely not able to give consent? WTF??? I don't see how that is anything other than assault.

I don't see it as assault either. There has to be more to this story! I'm married and DH and I do this sometimes. In a relationship I don't see the issue.

There has to be a lot more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Stupid. I almost wish that girl would experience a real no consent situation. Sorry for your friend's son.

[Anonymous]

Keeping in mind that we only have ONE side of the story here, if it did happen that way, then I feel very sorry for your friend's son and I hope the girl is really sorry for how the situation snowballed, and will hopefully recant her story. Expelled from his college? Good Lord.

I have a son with Asperger's. He does not pick up social cues well and his view of the world is very black and white. Parents with sons and daughters like mine worry even more about sexual assault and consent, I can tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stupid. I almost wish that girl would experience a real no consent situation. Sorry for your friend's son.

You have problems if you wish that on anybody, PP.

[Anonymous]

We're certainly not seeing the whole story, but my first thought given the facts here is to wonder if this is a subject that had been discussed between the couple before and she had made it clear that this was an activity that she did not enjoy or feel comfortable with.

In that light, it could be seen as assault to do something while the other party is asleep, knowing that they would not agree to it while awake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have covered sex, consent, no means no, etc. with our teen son, but now we have a new scenario to teach him about.

My friend's teen son in college was arrested for sexual assault recently. She shared with me and a few other close friends what happened so that we could use her son's mistake to educate our kids. It's honestly not a scenario I'd thought to cover with him.

He met a girl at a football game and they hit it off. They exchanged info. and went on some dates. They began exclusively dating and having a sexual relationship and things were fine. They had sex one evening and she stayed the night with him. He thought it would be "cute and romantic" to wake her up the next morning with oral sex. She was angry when she woke up and told him that was not okay with her. He apologized and she said she needed to re-evaluate their relationship. No contact happened for a little over a week and then he was called in by one of the dean's because the assault was reported by her. Interviews happened and the case was turned over to the local authorities. More interviews and investigating happened and he was arrested by the local police in his college town. He was released on bond and was told to have no contact with her until the school finished their investigation process. He got called before the disciplinary committee right before school let out for winter break and was expelled from college for violating the university's integrity code.

We had the talk with our son that if a woman gives consent and during the act says she'd like to stop, you stop. If during the act she seems like she's in pain or uncomfortable but doesn't say anything, you stop. We've told him that kissing doesn't equal permission to be handsy. Agreeing to oral sex doesn't equal permission to have sex. And now we're going to talk to him about this type of situation this weekend. I was raped, which DH knows, and so we've been a bit more explicit with our kids than maybe other people are. Stressing the importance of consent, drinking, boundaries, emotions, etc. But this scenario is honestly never one that crossed my mind.

I used to think having a teen girl was more stressful, but as my son gets older, I realize that having a teen that could possibly be (or is) sexually active is the most stressful of all, regardless of gender.

A lot going on here.

For starters, if this had happened to me very early in a relationship with someone, I would be completely freaked out and would ABSOLUTELY consider it sexual assault. When you are in a long term relationship with someone, you get an understanding of what they like and what they don't like. My husband would not be okay with me waking him up this way, despite usually liking BJs as much as the next red-blooded straight male. I wouldn't like it either. Oral? When I'm sleeping? No thanks. But we've been married for years and we know that if one of us decided to experiment with something like that, it wouldn't portent anything creepy and serious. In this case, where a young man has known a young woman for a matter of weeks and had only been in a relationship for a few weeks, I would be worried that he now thinks that because we've had sex, he can do whatever he wants to me, whether I'm conscious or not.

Additionally, depending on how this got reported and the state, it could be that she told a mandated reporter and that process got triggered. Either way, it sounds like your friend's son grossly misread what was appropriate in this situation, with the result that his girlfriend felt that she'd been assaulted. That would not have happened if he had stuck to the cardinal rule which is DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL CONTACT WITH ANYONE WHO IS UNCONSCIOUS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stupid. I almost wish that girl would experience a real no consent situation. Sorry for your friend's son.

You almost wish that a girl you don't know would be forcibly raped? You're sorry for a boy who had sexual contact with an unconscious girl? Wow.