Tired of being the grownup

[Anonymous]

I guess this is a vent. We have holiday visitors in town. I was working today. DH had the day off. He has a history of not paying attention to our toddler DD's needs, not paying attention to schedules (like if the grocery store counter with turkey pickup closes at x time, he can't be still goofing around at 15 minutes before X and think he'll be able to get the turkey), etc. Before this thanksgiving, he has been going to adult ADHD coaching/therapy, told me that he's be on the ball and take responsibility for the share of work that he agreed to, etc and be proactive about meeting DD's needs when he's home with her. Its Thanksgiving eve, and I have a screaming toddler who he was supposed to feed at lunch, give a snack in the afternoon, and play with while I prepped for tomorrow. Instead she fell into an exhausted tantrum before dinner because he let her play instead of sitting her down to lunch, gave up on putting her down for her nap because "she wanted to play", and "forgot" to feed her a snack, which I found out when she came to me wailing for food an hour before her usual dinner. Then I felt like I was the bitchy wife in front of his relatives because I had to ask if she's had a snack or a nap. I wanted to scream at him in front of everyone. I'm so tired of having to be the grownup who has to assert things like schedules and basic routines, and being the one to interrupt everyone's fun times to say things like "We need to head home now so DD can have dinner" while he gets to look like the fun-loving, playful dad. And then when DD melts down from lack of food and sleep, all eyes swivel to me like I'm the one who didn't meet her needs.

I'm tired of having to advocate for my DD and being the meanie wife/mommy while he gets to still be the fun-loving friend/son/brother.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he needs medication since the "coaching" isn't working, ADHD is a neurological issue and medication is in order.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I forgot to add that he is on medication and the dose/timing has already been adjusted at least once.

[Anonymous]

So he's going to a coach and taking meds. But what else is he doing? Did he use a schedule today with taking care of dd? Did he write out what time she was supposed to eat lunch, snack, nap, etc? Do you see him using his phone to set alarms?
Or is he just saying "I got this!" And then heads out the door with dd?

[Anonymous]

He's just saying "I got this", even though the therapist and coach were adamant about lists and schedules and stuff. He thinks he can wing it and/or has been procrastinating implementing the therapists advice. I actually made him stop coaching for a month this fall because he wasn't following through on his coaching and was wasting our time and money.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a big baby. Why did you marry him and procreate? He was like this and probably worse when you first got together,

Does he see a psychiatrist regularly for his ADHD? He should until he finds the medication dosage that makes him more functional.... but maybe he thinks he is doing fine and you are being the short tempered bitch. Honestly, there is no good solution for your current dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's just saying "I got this", even though the therapist and coach were adamant about lists and schedules and stuff. He thinks he can wing it and/or has been procrastinating implementing the therapists advice. I actually made him stop coaching for a month this fall because he wasn't following through on his coaching and was wasting our time and money.

Well, then you have to decide how much you can take of this. If it were me, I'd be at the end of my rope and having a serious sit-down. "When you choose not to use the tools and resources you've been given, then this family is a mess. I feel like crap and disrespected. Resentment is poisoning this relationship. For the first time I'm wondering if I can continue with you in this relationship. What is getting in the way of you using the lists and schedules?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's just saying "I got this", even though the therapist and coach were adamant about lists and schedules and stuff. He thinks he can wing it and/or has been procrastinating implementing the therapists advice. I actually made him stop coaching for a month this fall because he wasn't following through on his coaching and was wasting our time and money.

Well, then you have to decide how much you can take of this. If it were me, I'd be at the end of my rope and having a serious sit-down. "When you choose not to use the tools and resources you've been given, then this family is a mess. I feel like crap and disrespected. Resentment is poisoning this relationship. For the first time I'm wondering if I can continue with you in this relationship. What is getting in the way of you using the lists and schedules?"

+1

Consider having this conversation with him in couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a big baby. Why did you marry him and procreate? He was like this and probably worse when you first got together,

Does he see a psychiatrist regularly for his ADHD? He should until he finds the medication dosage that makes him more functional.... but maybe he thinks he is doing fine and you are being the short tempered bitch. Honestly, there is no good solution for your current dynamic.

He was actually better before we got married, but from what I understand that's a common feature in relationships with people who have ADHD. They can harness their ADHD energy to be "hyper-focused" on the relationship in the courting stage, but it can't be sustained for lengthy periods of time. This was echoed by the psychiatrist and therapists and coaches. He wasn't even diagnosed with ADHD until after DD was born- eerily like another thread tonight, he left the bathtub full after baby's bath multiple times. I realized that something in his brain was off if such a scary safety thing wasn't shocking him into paying attention, and that's when he went in for (really thorough) testing.

But you are correct: he is a big baby and I feel like a mean bitchy mommy. I don't see a solution which is why I posted this as a vent, not a hunt for advice, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's just saying "I got this", even though the therapist and coach were adamant about lists and schedules and stuff. He thinks he can wing it and/or has been procrastinating implementing the therapists advice. I actually made him stop coaching for a month this fall because he wasn't following through on his coaching and was wasting our time and money.

Well, then you have to decide how much you can take of this. If it were me, I'd be at the end of my rope and having a serious sit-down. "When you choose not to use the tools and resources you've been given, then this family is a mess. I feel like crap and disrespected. Resentment is poisoning this relationship. For the first time I'm wondering if I can continue with you in this relationship. What is getting in the way of you using the lists and schedules?"

+1

Consider having this conversation with him in couples counseling.

Ashamed to say that it did, and all that came out of it was him saying he wanted to change but nothing happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a big baby. Why did you marry him and procreate? He was like this and probably worse when you first got together,

Does he see a psychiatrist regularly for his ADHD? He should until he finds the medication dosage that makes him more functional.... but maybe he thinks he is doing fine and you are being the short tempered bitch. Honestly, there is no good solution for your current dynamic.

+1 and don't have another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a big baby. Why did you marry him and procreate? He was like this and probably worse when you first got together,

Does he see a psychiatrist regularly for his ADHD? He should until he finds the medication dosage that makes him more functional.... but maybe he thinks he is doing fine and you are being the short tempered bitch. Honestly, there is no good solution for your current dynamic.

+1 and don't have another child

Yeah we are not, which broke my heart but I know it is the only choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's just saying "I got this", even though the therapist and coach were adamant about lists and schedules and stuff. He thinks he can wing it and/or has been procrastinating implementing the therapists advice. I actually made him stop coaching for a month this fall because he wasn't following through on his coaching and was wasting our time and money.

Well, then you have to decide how much you can take of this. If it were me, I'd be at the end of my rope and having a serious sit-down. "When you choose not to use the tools and resources you've been given, then this family is a mess. I feel like crap and disrespected. Resentment is poisoning this relationship. For the first time I'm wondering if I can continue with you in this relationship. What is getting in the way of you using the lists and schedules?"

+1

Consider having this conversation with him in couples counseling.

Ashamed to say that it did, and all that came out of it was him saying he wanted to change but nothing happening.

Then you need to decide if you can live with this, or if you cannot and must leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a big baby. Why did you marry him and procreate? He was like this and probably worse when you first got together,

Does he see a psychiatrist regularly for his ADHD? He should until he finds the medication dosage that makes him more functional.... but maybe he thinks he is doing fine and you are being the short tempered bitch. Honestly, there is no good solution for your current dynamic.

He was actually better before we got married, but from what I understand that's a common feature in relationships with people who have ADHD. They can harness their ADHD energy to be "hyper-focused" on the relationship in the courting stage, but it can't be sustained for lengthy periods of time. This was echoed by the psychiatrist and therapists and coaches. He wasn't even diagnosed with ADHD until after DD was born- eerily like another thread tonight, he left the bathtub full after baby's bath multiple times. I realized that something in his brain was off if such a scary safety thing wasn't shocking him into paying attention, and that's when he went in for (really thorough) testing.

But you are correct: he is a big baby and I feel like a mean bitchy mommy. I don't see a solution which is why I posted this as a vent, not a hunt for advice, I think.

I have a lot of sympathy for you bc my current FWB is just like this with undiagnosed ADHD. This is why he is a FWB instead of a boyfriend. I see no future for us but enjoy being with him for now.

You have to decide how much you can tolerate. I know I can't tolerate him for long and certainly will never consider marrying him. Will drive me crazy in the end, like you are now

[Anonymous]

I bet if he had to parent alone 50% of the time he'd magically find ways to manage. If I were you I'd stop intervening and picking up after him. I know it's very hard, but you may be surprised.

For instance if he fails to get groceries, no dinner, just feed the child. If you expect guests and he doesn't clean up or get things, don't scramble, just let the chips fall and explain "Larlo forgot to get the grocery and wine while I was at work... Do you mind if we order pizza"' similarly don't collect or do his laundry. Let him feed his child what and when he wants and deal with the fallout. Remember the child will soon be old enough to wash and feed herself. There won't be any lasting harm.

Many times men don't see the countless tasks it takes to run a household until they have to do them. ADHD or no, he's a selfish ass.