Tired of being the grownup

[Anonymous]

PP, I've done that. We've had friends show up to a messy house and no food when he invited them to a cookout without doing any planning or prep. I left beforehand and he shrugged and told them he couldn't do it when they arrived and sent them home. They probably blamed me. I had to cancel travel to visit people because he didn't follow through on his share of the prep for a trip and I literally didn't have enough time to complete laundry, get dog to sitter etc. He wasn't embarassed or even vaguely motivated by those situations. Our toddler has had multiple meals per day of milk and nothing else when he'd promised it was his turn to meal plan and shop. I stopped doing laundry and he wore dirty clothes and tshirts to a business casual office until I realized our dual income was at stake. He's willing to make our life as bleak, lonely, and disorganized as possible before exerting any effort of his own. He is perfectly competent at work and was very successful in areas of personal interest/ambition before we met (elite postcollegiate athlete, multiple grad degrees).

He makes me feel like neither I nor my daughter are worth the kind of effort he exerted for his own personal gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I've done that. We've had friends show up to a messy house and no food when he invited them to a cookout without doing any planning or prep. I left beforehand and he shrugged and told them he couldn't do it when they arrived and sent them home. They probably blamed me. I had to cancel travel to visit people because he didn't follow through on his share of the prep for a trip and I literally didn't have enough time to complete laundry, get dog to sitter etc. He wasn't embarassed or even vaguely motivated by those situations. Our toddler has had multiple meals per day of milk and nothing else when he'd promised it was his turn to meal plan and shop. I stopped doing laundry and he wore dirty clothes and tshirts to a business casual office until I realized our dual income was at stake. He's willing to make our life as bleak, lonely, and disorganized as possible before exerting any effort of his own. He is perfectly competent at work and was very successful in areas of personal interest/ambition before we met (elite postcollegiate athlete, multiple grad degrees).

He makes me feel like neither I nor my daughter are worth the kind of effort he exerted for his own personal gain.

Ya know, you could've put this in your first post as well -- it seems he just wants to be taken care of so he can "study" or the such.

I know I'd probably start edging away from a couple that invites me/DW/maybe DCs to a cookout and there's not even food there. Not sure who I'd blame, probably whoever I liked less. If my/my DW's interactions with you/your DH consist on you yelling at him to be a human being, it'd probably go thusly:

1) wow, that OP is a bitch, yelling at her husband all the time!
2) we see something real obvious that OP's husband should have done
3) wow, how does OP do it, living with such a useless lump?

Or it could go like this (not necessarily in your case, OP
1) wow, that OP is a bitch, yelling at her husband all the time!
2) we see OP's husband trying to take care of things, and OP yelling at her husband about step 5 of a 10-step process when he's diligently doing step 3 or is taking care of the kids while OP's yakking it up with other people
3) wow, that OP is *really* a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I've done that. We've had friends show up to a messy house and no food when he invited them to a cookout without doing any planning or prep. I left beforehand and he shrugged and told them he couldn't do it when they arrived and sent them home. They probably blamed me. I had to cancel travel to visit people because he didn't follow through on his share of the prep for a trip and I literally didn't have enough time to complete laundry, get dog to sitter etc. He wasn't embarassed or even vaguely motivated by those situations. Our toddler has had multiple meals per day of milk and nothing else when he'd promised it was his turn to meal plan and shop. I stopped doing laundry and he wore dirty clothes and tshirts to a business casual office until I realized our dual income was at stake. He's willing to make our life as bleak, lonely, and disorganized as possible before exerting any effort of his own. He is perfectly competent at work and was very successful in areas of personal interest/ambition before we met (elite postcollegiate athlete, multiple grad degrees).

He makes me feel like neither I nor my daughter are worth the kind of effort he exerted for his own personal gain.

I'm the PP with above suggestions. They worked for my XH but it was early in the marriage and no child, and he was very controlling so we split for different reasons.

I truly wish you the best. I can't propose divorce because it doesn't seem like there are many other deal breakers and you have a child.

The other thing which has been discussed here before, is to just emotionally detach and take care of your home and child as if you were a single parent. Go out and do social activities with friends, get the grocery and clean as if he's not there, and just find joy elsewhere. If possible hire help. Hi

For some this actually changes him as part of the issue is rebellion against being told what to do. Either way dropping the expectations can lift a burden off you. Also meanwhile consider getting your own finances in order if possible separate them, in case and as a way of taking care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband is not adhd even a little, but for some reason he struggled with feeeding the kids in a timely manner. He woukd use the excuses that they weren't hungry when he asked or that they were happy playing. Then five minutes after I got home it was meltdown.

I would ask him if he ate and it was always yes (of course). But the kids ate nothing all day.

What I had to do was to tell him that no matter what the kids said, if he ate something he had to feed them too. Period. If he was having a sandwich, he had to make them come to the table and eat too, even if they said they were not hungry (ie wrapped up in playing). If he was snacking on something, give them a bowl of goldfish.

That actually worked. I was not picky on timeline of type of food. Just that if he ate, they did too.

[Anonymous]

O M G

This is straight up neglect selfish self centered people.

I would divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:O M G

This is straight up neglect selfish self centered people.

I would divorce.

Me too. The resentment alone is going to kill this marriage. Save yourself the pain and just get it started. Your kid will be fine. Sounds like you've tried and tried to make this work. But if he can't even meet you partway, why waste everyone's time?

This isn't a dress rehearsal. Take steps to living the life you want.

[Anonymous]

A lot of successful (career wise) guys seem to have a little ADHD. It seems like they alternate between hyperfocus and flakiness, which makes them good at whatever their ambition is, but not much else.

This wasn't a problem back in the days when men worked out of the house and women stayed home. I suspect men's brains have probably evolved to this kind of setup, which explains why every other thread here has the same complaint.

Guys like this should probably marry "traditional" women instead of attempting a modern marriage, where both parents work full-time and household duties are shared.

[Anonymous]

Np here. Today we were purchasing some home renovation materials, boxes of heavy tiles, a heavy cement board (weighs a ton) were sitting in the cart. My husband went to get one last thing while we pulled the cart into the line. I had to count some of the specialty tiles bc they were btmy the piece, and that took a while. Meanwhile, he came back with an armful of stuff just after the lady had begun checking us out and proceeded to revert mentally to his home in space... i struggled to lift these board and the 50 lb boxes out of the cart, and then looked at his and was like- "Why am I doing this?" ***Literal response: (whining, annoyed) "Why can you just tell me you need me to help?!" I looked at disbelief.."You think I should just lift all of this stuff on my own, or that I should have to tell you to help?? You dont see me struggling, you don't even bother to add 1 +1 knowing we are inline and need to check out.... I need to "tell" you?? Its so pathetic. Buying the rest of the tile online and having it delivered.
third one, was like, "hello?? Why am I doing this?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here. Today we were purchasing some home renovation materials, boxes of heavy tiles, a heavy cement board (weighs a ton) were sitting in the cart. My husband went to get one last thing while we pulled the cart into the line. I had to count some of the specialty tiles bc they were btmy the piece, and that took a while. Meanwhile, he came back with an armful of stuff just after the lady had begun checking us out and proceeded to revert mentally to his home in space... i struggled to lift these board and the 50 lb boxes out of the cart, and then looked at his and was like- "Why am I doing this?" ***Literal response: (whining, annoyed) "Why can you just tell me you need me to help?!" I looked at disbelief.."You think I should just lift all of this stuff on my own, or that I should have to tell you to help?? You dont see me struggling, you don't even bother to add 1 +1 knowing we are inline and need to check out.... I need to "tell" you?? Its so pathetic. Buying the rest of the tile online and having it delivered.
third one, was like, "hello?? Why am I doing this?"

So, why didn't you just ask him to help you lift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np here. Today we were purchasing some home renovation materials, boxes of heavy tiles, a heavy cement board (weighs a ton) were sitting in the cart. My husband went to get one last thing while we pulled the cart into the line. I had to count some of the specialty tiles bc they were btmy the piece, and that took a while. Meanwhile, he came back with an armful of stuff just after the lady had begun checking us out and proceeded to revert mentally to his home in space... i struggled to lift these board and the 50 lb boxes out of the cart, and then looked at his and was like- "Why am I doing this?" ***Literal response: (whining, annoyed) "Why can you just tell me you need me to help?!" I looked at disbelief.."You think I should just lift all of this stuff on my own, or that I should have to tell you to help?? You dont see me struggling, you don't even bother to add 1 +1 knowing we are inline and need to check out.... I need to "tell" you?? Its so pathetic. Buying the rest of the tile online and having it delivered.
third one, was like, "hello?? Why am I doing this?"

So, why didn't you just ask him to help you lift?

He was standing two feet from me watching me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I've done that. We've had friends show up to a messy house and no food when he invited them to a cookout without doing any planning or prep. I left beforehand and he shrugged and told them he couldn't do it when they arrived and sent them home. They probably blamed me. I had to cancel travel to visit people because he didn't follow through on his share of the prep for a trip and I literally didn't have enough time to complete laundry, get dog to sitter etc. He wasn't embarassed or even vaguely motivated by those situations. Our toddler has had multiple meals per day of milk and nothing else when he'd promised it was his turn to meal plan and shop. I stopped doing laundry and he wore dirty clothes and tshirts to a business casual office until I realized our dual income was at stake. He's willing to make our life as bleak, lonely, and disorganized as possible before exerting any effort of his own. He is perfectly competent at work and was very successful in areas of personal interest/ambition before we met (elite postcollegiate athlete, multiple grad degrees).

He makes me feel like neither I nor my daughter are worth the kind of effort he exerted for his own personal gain.

Can you dump him? I feel so bad, he sounds fucking awful. What a POS. Heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np here. Today we were purchasing some home renovation materials, boxes of heavy tiles, a heavy cement board (weighs a ton) were sitting in the cart. My husband went to get one last thing while we pulled the cart into the line. I had to count some of the specialty tiles bc they were btmy the piece, and that took a while. Meanwhile, he came back with an armful of stuff just after the lady had begun checking us out and proceeded to revert mentally to his home in space... i struggled to lift these board and the 50 lb boxes out of the cart, and then looked at his and was like- "Why am I doing this?" ***Literal response: (whining, annoyed) "Why can you just tell me you need me to help?!" I looked at disbelief.."You think I should just lift all of this stuff on my own, or that I should have to tell you to help?? You dont see me struggling, you don't even bother to add 1 +1 knowing we are inline and need to check out.... I need to "tell" you?? Its so pathetic. Buying the rest of the tile online and having it delivered.
third one, was like, "hello?? Why am I doing this?"

So, why didn't you just ask him to help you lift?

He was standing two feet from me watching me.

Just because his eyes are facing your general direction you doesn't mean he is paying attention.

Next time, just ask for help. Don't expect people to preemptively react to your every need without being asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np here. Today we were purchasing some home renovation materials, boxes of heavy tiles, a heavy cement board (weighs a ton) were sitting in the cart. My husband went to get one last thing while we pulled the cart into the line. I had to count some of the specialty tiles bc they were btmy the piece, and that took a while. Meanwhile, he came back with an armful of stuff just after the lady had begun checking us out and proceeded to revert mentally to his home in space... i struggled to lift these board and the 50 lb boxes out of the cart, and then looked at his and was like- "Why am I doing this?" ***Literal response: (whining, annoyed) "Why can you just tell me you need me to help?!" I looked at disbelief.."You think I should just lift all of this stuff on my own, or that I should have to tell you to help?? You dont see me struggling, you don't even bother to add 1 +1 knowing we are inline and need to check out.... I need to "tell" you?? Its so pathetic. Buying the rest of the tile online and having it delivered.
third one, was like, "hello?? Why am I doing this?"

So, why didn't you just ask him to help you lift?

He was standing two feet from me watching me.

Just because his eyes are facing your general direction you doesn't mean he is paying attention.

Next time, just ask for help. Don't expect people to preemptively react to your every need without being asked.

Serious question here in response. What about anticipating "some" needs ...? At what point is a relationahip that requires such explicit instructuon nothing more than a to-do list between a task master and her "helper" versus a partnership between two equals?

Doesn't this contribute to the learned helplessness he exhibits? Why is he entitled to just stand there while I do 19 other things including possibly injuring myself trying to get through a checkout on a major holiday shopping day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np here. Today we were purchasing some home renovation materials, boxes of heavy tiles, a heavy cement board (weighs a ton) were sitting in the cart. My husband went to get one last thing while we pulled the cart into the line. I had to count some of the specialty tiles bc they were btmy the piece, and that took a while. Meanwhile, he came back with an armful of stuff just after the lady had begun checking us out and proceeded to revert mentally to his home in space... i struggled to lift these board and the 50 lb boxes out of the cart, and then looked at his and was like- "Why am I doing this?" ***Literal response: (whining, annoyed) "Why can you just tell me you need me to help?!" I looked at disbelief.."You think I should just lift all of this stuff on my own, or that I should have to tell you to help?? You dont see me struggling, you don't even bother to add 1 +1 knowing we are inline and need to check out.... I need to "tell" you?? Its so pathetic. Buying the rest of the tile online and having it delivered.
third one, was like, "hello?? Why am I doing this?"

So, why didn't you just ask him to help you lift?

He was standing two feet from me watching me.

Just because his eyes are facing your general direction you doesn't mean he is paying attention.

Next time, just ask for help. Don't expect people to preemptively react to your every need without being asked.

NP here, his isn't a mind reading exercise. They are both purchasing these items, there's no good reason they wouldn't both be putting things on the conveyor belt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np here. Today we were purchasing some home renovation materials, boxes of heavy tiles, a heavy cement board (weighs a ton) were sitting in the cart. My husband went to get one last thing while we pulled the cart into the line. I had to count some of the specialty tiles bc they were btmy the piece, and that took a while. Meanwhile, he came back with an armful of stuff just after the lady had begun checking us out and proceeded to revert mentally to his home in space... i struggled to lift these board and the 50 lb boxes out of the cart, and then looked at his and was like- "Why am I doing this?" ***Literal response: (whining, annoyed) "Why can you just tell me you need me to help?!" I looked at disbelief.."You think I should just lift all of this stuff on my own, or that I should have to tell you to help?? You dont see me struggling, you don't even bother to add 1 +1 knowing we are inline and need to check out.... I need to "tell" you?? Its so pathetic. Buying the rest of the tile online and having it delivered.
third one, was like, "hello?? Why am I doing this?"

So, why didn't you just ask him to help you lift?

He was standing two feet from me watching me.

Just because his eyes are facing your general direction you doesn't mean he is paying attention.

Next time, just ask for help. Don't expect people to preemptively react to your every need without being asked.

NP here, his isn't a mind reading exercise. They are both purchasing these items, there's no good reason they wouldn't both be putting things on the conveyor belt.

+1

How does he usually check out his items? Just stand there dumbly until the check out lady screams at him to move? WTH?