SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

Is this a man? Is this how you think women think?
What a self-serving and narcissistic view of motivation for action.
No. These are not the reasons a woman who is a wife and a mother might choose to work or SAH.

No offense but I also think some women are lazy and prefer to SAH. SAH is an option for women unlike men.

That’s interesting. Maybe this explains why I work with so many more lazy men than lazy women. The lazy women are staying at home . The men bring their laziness into the office. (They also tend to stay there late pontificating about nonsense in order to skip out on dinner/bath/bed with the kiddos).

What kind of work do you do that offers so much downtime? I don’t like kids myself so I can understand why they’re trying to get out of it 😀

Ha! I’m a doctor at an academic hospital. There isn’t a ton of downtime during the day, but you can hold the Med students and residents hostage “teaching” for any amount of time.

I think someone who can train to be a doctor isn’t going to be very stimulated by dealing with small children. So many people like the idea of having their own kids but not the daily grind.

Speak for yourself. DH is a surgeon and has always been super hands on. He is putting our youngest to bed right now. He went to pick up our middle child from soccer earlier after he finished surgery.

DH does go into the hospital super early. He doesn’t see our kids in the morning. Some of his colleagues stay late to finish up paperwork and skip out on bedtime.

[Anonymous]

To PP: with a super handy surgeon husband who makes probably $1mm/year you indeed have no worries. Just make sure you invest and don’t spend all the money. Alimony is peanuts - one last I know got $100k alimony for a year, while her exH made several million/year. She was 50 yo and it was in DC

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

Is this a man? Is this how you think women think?
What a self-serving and narcissistic view of motivation for action.
No. These are not the reasons a woman who is a wife and a mother might choose to work or SAH.

No offense but I also think some women are lazy and prefer to SAH. SAH is an option for women unlike men.

That’s interesting. Maybe this explains why I work with so many more lazy men than lazy women. The lazy women are staying at home . The men bring their laziness into the office. (They also tend to stay there late pontificating about nonsense in order to skip out on dinner/bath/bed with the kiddos).

What kind of work do you do that offers so much downtime? I don’t like kids myself so I can understand why they’re trying to get out of it 😀

Ha! I’m a doctor at an academic hospital. There isn’t a ton of downtime during the day, but you can hold the Med students and residents hostage “teaching” for any amount of time.

I think someone who can train to be a doctor isn’t going to be very stimulated by dealing with small children. So many people like the idea of having their own kids but not the daily grind.

Speak for yourself. DH is a surgeon and has always been super hands on. He is putting our youngest to bed right now. He went to pick up our middle child from soccer earlier after he finished surgery.

DH does go into the hospital super early. He doesn’t see our kids in the morning. Some of his colleagues stay late to finish up paperwork and skip out on bedtime.

This is classic “men get a trophy just for showing up”. Does he do laundry? Vacuum or prepare the kids’ meals? I don’t think so. So he’s not really as hands on as you claim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To PP: with a super handy surgeon husband who makes probably $1mm/year you indeed have no worries. Just make sure you invest and don’t spend all the money. Alimony is peanuts - one last I know got $100k alimony for a year, while her exH made several million/year. She was 50 yo and it was in DC

$100k for alimony is very good. More than many make a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PP: with a super handy surgeon husband who makes probably $1mm/year you indeed have no worries. Just make sure you invest and don’t spend all the money. Alimony is peanuts - one last I know got $100k alimony for a year, while her exH made several million/year. She was 50 yo and it was in DC

$100k for alimony is very good. More than many make a year.

She only got her alimony for one year as she’s still 15 years from retirement age. Of course it’s peanuts after living on several million/year income when married.
She found a job for $120k a year after alimony expired (was in IT so loss of skills after staying home wasn’t too bad).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To PP: with a super handy surgeon husband who makes probably $1mm/year you indeed have no worries. Just make sure you invest and don’t spend all the money. Alimony is peanuts - one last I know got $100k alimony for a year, while her exH made several million/year. She was 50 yo and it was in DC

Yes and that alimony will have a time limit. This is 2021..be self supporting. Terrible feeling to have to rely on other adults as an adult.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

It is when you are also getting multimillions in assets. College funds are complete, multiple properties are paid off, and I'd still get several million in investements/cash/retirement accounts plus whatever alimony. That wasn't true when my kids were little because we hadn't built it up yet.

So an example would be Melinda Gates, which 99.9% of women can’t compare with.

Melinda gates worked at Microsoft plus she ran their foundations. She has skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through a sudden divorce recently, and after 10 years SAHM, I regret this decision to stay at home. It works only if you husband is making so much and you have so much in joint assets that divorce can't change your social status, neighborhood you live, your circle of friends etc. Alimony is peanuts and wasting 10 years of working career to go back to beginner corporate positions alongside 25 y.o. graduates "sucks"

This is the reality. Listen up folks! Thanks for sharing and good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

A) it’s not a marginally better financial position, B) it’s not an either/or.

Having kept my career I have a low six figure income that will be mine regardless plus benefits and employee contributions to retirement. Should anything happen, god forbid, I will be able to support myself and the kids. Having that security is priceless.

As for time with your kids, the years they are home are very, very short. I WAH for the first year of my baby’s lives and effectively had leave so I could nurse on demand and see their milestones. I had enough seniority so my hours were flexible and I could spend time with them in the toddler years, take them to classes in the morning or come home to eat lunch with them, end work at 4 and work once they were in bed. Nannies handled nap time. It was a good mix of time to myself and feeling connected to them. Due to COVID I’ve been WAH again since my youngest was 3. Loved spending that time with her, but at the same time realized over this last year and a half that I’m not cut out to stay at home. By age 4 they are in preschool most of the day and after that with school I don’t miss a thing — I can flex my schedule to pick them up after school.

It’s been an ideal balance for me and it has taken a lot of juggling and coordinating. A few times when they were babies I wondered if I could handle it all, and really felt that pull not to split my energy. But now that they are in school there’s very little conflict for me and I’m so glad I didn’t quit as I love my work. Giving up your whole life due to arrangements that last a few years doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

A) it’s not a marginally better financial position, B) it’s not an either/or.

Having kept my career I have a low six figure income that will be mine regardless plus benefits and employee contributions to retirement. Should anything happen, god forbid, I will be able to support myself and the kids. Having that security is priceless.

As for time with your kids, the years they are home are very, very short. I WAH for the first year of my baby’s lives and effectively had leave so I could nurse on demand and see their milestones. I had enough seniority so my hours were flexible and I could spend time with them in the toddler years, take them to classes in the morning or come home to eat lunch with them, end work at 4 and work once they were in bed. Nannies handled nap time. It was a good mix of time to myself and feeling connected to them. Due to COVID I’ve been WAH again since my youngest was 3. Loved spending that time with her, but at the same time realized over this last year and a half that I’m not cut out to stay at home. By age 4 they are in preschool most of the day and after that with school I don’t miss a thing — I can flex my schedule to pick them up after school.

It’s been an ideal balance for me and it has taken a lot of juggling and coordinating. A few times when they were babies I wondered if I could handle it all, and really felt that pull not to split my energy. But now that they are in school there’s very little conflict for me and I’m so glad I didn’t quit as I love my work. Giving up your whole life due to arrangements that last a few years doesn’t make sense.

I am that PP making $60K after divorce. I do regret trading my profession for 10 years at home. I am also asking myself if I could invest more efforts in finding flexible work/family arrangements, instead of vacationing 4 months/year in total. All these skiing trips, friends' visits, month in Italy and half month in France. It wasn't free - I prepaid for them with millions of future lost income and retirement. I feel silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

A) it’s not a marginally better financial position, B) it’s not an either/or.

Having kept my career I have a low six figure income that will be mine regardless plus benefits and employee contributions to retirement. Should anything happen, god forbid, I will be able to support myself and the kids. Having that security is priceless.

As for time with your kids, the years they are home are very, very short. I WAH for the first year of my baby’s lives and effectively had leave so I could nurse on demand and see their milestones. I had enough seniority so my hours were flexible and I could spend time with them in the toddler years, take them to classes in the morning or come home to eat lunch with them, end work at 4 and work once they were in bed. Nannies handled nap time. It was a good mix of time to myself and feeling connected to them. Due to COVID I’ve been WAH again since my youngest was 3. Loved spending that time with her, but at the same time realized over this last year and a half that I’m not cut out to stay at home. By age 4 they are in preschool most of the day and after that with school I don’t miss a thing — I can flex my schedule to pick them up after school.

It’s been an ideal balance for me and it has taken a lot of juggling and coordinating. A few times when they were babies I wondered if I could handle it all, and really felt that pull not to split my energy. But now that they are in school there’s very little conflict for me and I’m so glad I didn’t quit as I love my work. Giving up your whole life due to arrangements that last a few years doesn’t make sense.

I am that PP making $60K after divorce. I do regret trading my profession for 10 years at home. I am also asking myself if I could invest more efforts in finding flexible work/family arrangements, instead of vacationing 4 months/year in total. All these skiing trips, friends' visits, month in Italy and half month in France. It wasn't free - I prepaid for them with millions of future lost income and retirement. I feel silly.

I am a SAHM of 3 considering going back to work. We travel a ton. I have one kid in preschool, one in elementary and one in middle school. I don’t want to give up the vacation time. It is hard to only have 3 weeks of vacation after having the entire summer free to travel. We travel every long weekend, school break and then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

A) it’s not a marginally better financial position, B) it’s not an either/or.

Having kept my career I have a low six figure income that will be mine regardless plus benefits and employee contributions to retirement. Should anything happen, god forbid, I will be able to support myself and the kids. Having that security is priceless.

As for time with your kids, the years they are home are very, very short. I WAH for the first year of my baby’s lives and effectively had leave so I could nurse on demand and see their milestones. I had enough seniority so my hours were flexible and I could spend time with them in the toddler years, take them to classes in the morning or come home to eat lunch with them, end work at 4 and work once they were in bed. Nannies handled nap time. It was a good mix of time to myself and feeling connected to them. Due to COVID I’ve been WAH again since my youngest was 3. Loved spending that time with her, but at the same time realized over this last year and a half that I’m not cut out to stay at home. By age 4 they are in preschool most of the day and after that with school I don’t miss a thing — I can flex my schedule to pick them up after school.

It’s been an ideal balance for me and it has taken a lot of juggling and coordinating. A few times when they were babies I wondered if I could handle it all, and really felt that pull not to split my energy. But now that they are in school there’s very little conflict for me and I’m so glad I didn’t quit as I love my work. Giving up your whole life due to arrangements that last a few years doesn’t make sense.

I am that PP making $60K after divorce. I do regret trading my profession for 10 years at home. I am also asking myself if I could invest more efforts in finding flexible work/family arrangements, instead of vacationing 4 months/year in total. All these skiing trips, friends' visits, month in Italy and half month in France. It wasn't free - I prepaid for them with millions of future lost income and retirement. I feel silly.

But if you hadn't gotten divorced, you'd say it was great to have had all that time to travel. So I'm not sure taking the hindsight advice is all that informative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

A) it’s not a marginally better financial position, B) it’s not an either/or.

Having kept my career I have a low six figure income that will be mine regardless plus benefits and employee contributions to retirement. Should anything happen, god forbid, I will be able to support myself and the kids. Having that security is priceless.

As for time with your kids, the years they are home are very, very short. I WAH for the first year of my baby’s lives and effectively had leave so I could nurse on demand and see their milestones. I had enough seniority so my hours were flexible and I could spend time with them in the toddler years, take them to classes in the morning or come home to eat lunch with them, end work at 4 and work once they were in bed. Nannies handled nap time. It was a good mix of time to myself and feeling connected to them. Due to COVID I’ve been WAH again since my youngest was 3. Loved spending that time with her, but at the same time realized over this last year and a half that I’m not cut out to stay at home. By age 4 they are in preschool most of the day and after that with school I don’t miss a thing — I can flex my schedule to pick them up after school.

It’s been an ideal balance for me and it has taken a lot of juggling and coordinating. A few times when they were babies I wondered if I could handle it all, and really felt that pull not to split my energy. But now that they are in school there’s very little conflict for me and I’m so glad I didn’t quit as I love my work. Giving up your whole life due to arrangements that last a few years doesn’t make sense.

First, your situation is not the norm. It sounds like you had kids relatively late and well into your career, and that your career has a lot of flexibility available. Not everyone is in this position.

Second, that may have been a good balance for you, but lots of women don't want to miss out on anything in the early years. I mean, in their toddler years, most of the day was with a nanny. So maybe that was great for you, but lots of moms feel that that is missing critical and irreplaceable time with the kids. Not to mention, just because kids go to school doesn't mean that WOH parents aren't missing a lot of time with kids while at work. This is not an insult, but it doesn't seem self-evident that there is no "either/or" here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

A) it’s not a marginally better financial position, B) it’s not an either/or.

Having kept my career I have a low six figure income that will be mine regardless plus benefits and employee contributions to retirement. Should anything happen, god forbid, I will be able to support myself and the kids. Having that security is priceless.

As for time with your kids, the years they are home are very, very short. I WAH for the first year of my baby’s lives and effectively had leave so I could nurse on demand and see their milestones. I had enough seniority so my hours were flexible and I could spend time with them in the toddler years, take them to classes in the morning or come home to eat lunch with them, end work at 4 and work once they were in bed. Nannies handled nap time. It was a good mix of time to myself and feeling connected to them. Due to COVID I’ve been WAH again since my youngest was 3. Loved spending that time with her, but at the same time realized over this last year and a half that I’m not cut out to stay at home. By age 4 they are in preschool most of the day and after that with school I don’t miss a thing — I can flex my schedule to pick them up after school.

It’s been an ideal balance for me and it has taken a lot of juggling and coordinating. A few times when they were babies I wondered if I could handle it all, and really felt that pull not to split my energy. But now that they are in school there’s very little conflict for me and I’m so glad I didn’t quit as I love my work. Giving up your whole life due to arrangements that last a few years doesn’t make sense.

First, your situation is not the norm. It sounds like you had kids relatively late and well into your career, and that your career has a lot of flexibility available. Not everyone is in this position.

Second, that may have been a good balance for you, but lots of women don't want to miss out on anything in the early years. I mean, in their toddler years, most of the day was with a nanny. So maybe that was great for you, but lots of moms feel that that is missing critical and irreplaceable time with the kids. Not to mention, just because kids go to school doesn't mean that WOH parents aren't missing a lot of time with kids while at work. This is not an insult, but it doesn't seem self-evident that there is no "either/or" here.

+1

Every woman needs to make the best decision for her, and we should support whatever she chose. For every mother who regrets SAH, there are also working mothers who regret missing out. Stop trying to feel superior, particularly when your post smacks of so. Much. Privilege. I worked from home after having my oldest. Even in a flexible job, There was no way I could take time out during the day to attend classes. That’s pretty unheard of, especially for most of the feds around here. Generally, the flexibility to juggle and have nannies and leave early is an UMC privilege.

To the OP, way way back, I will say, if there is no financial necessity to work, I would ask my husband to draw up a division of duties. I wouldn’t mind working if he actually took over 50% of the duties, but if you’re still going to have to remember dr appointments, keep up with teachers, schedule house maintenance etc and do all the mental load, I would say absolutely not. Either he writes out a contract clarifying his responsibilities and what will happen if he doesn’t do it, or he finds someone to do the work (even as a working mother, I have presented this to my husband when he complains and he has never done it). And teach your children to value unpaid labor. I have boys - I parent with the goal of making them equal partners rather than the status quo among my generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

A) it’s not a marginally better financial position, B) it’s not an either/or.

Having kept my career I have a low six figure income that will be mine regardless plus benefits and employee contributions to retirement. Should anything happen, god forbid, I will be able to support myself and the kids. Having that security is priceless.

As for time with your kids, the years they are home are very, very short. I WAH for the first year of my baby’s lives and effectively had leave so I could nurse on demand and see their milestones. I had enough seniority so my hours were flexible and I could spend time with them in the toddler years, take them to classes in the morning or come home to eat lunch with them, end work at 4 and work once they were in bed. Nannies handled nap time. It was a good mix of time to myself and feeling connected to them. Due to COVID I’ve been WAH again since my youngest was 3. Loved spending that time with her, but at the same time realized over this last year and a half that I’m not cut out to stay at home. By age 4 they are in preschool most of the day and after that with school I don’t miss a thing — I can flex my schedule to pick them up after school.

It’s been an ideal balance for me and it has taken a lot of juggling and coordinating. A few times when they were babies I wondered if I could handle it all, and really felt that pull not to split my energy. But now that they are in school there’s very little conflict for me and I’m so glad I didn’t quit as I love my work. Giving up your whole life due to arrangements that last a few years doesn’t make sense.

First, your situation is not the norm. It sounds like you had kids relatively late and well into your career, and that your career has a lot of flexibility available. Not everyone is in this position.

Second, that may have been a good balance for you, but lots of women don't want to miss out on anything in the early years. I mean, in their toddler years, most of the day was with a nanny. So maybe that was great for you, but lots of moms feel that that is missing critical and irreplaceable time with the kids. Not to mention, just because kids go to school doesn't mean that WOH parents aren't missing a lot of time with kids while at work. This is not an insult, but it doesn't seem self-evident that there is no "either/or" here.

I don’t see it that way. You’re on two naps until ~18 months, how much time are you missing between 8-4 PM if you can be around in the morning and for lunch? By 3, many are in half day preschool then napping. Do you have to see your kid every single minute to make it meaningful? The vast majority of women in this world have to work, it’s a necessity. As for school, they are gone from 8-4 if they go to aftercare. My kids love playing with other kids after school. That’s a lot of time, what are you going to do — sit around and post on Instagram?