SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

He won’t. You are correct. He probably doesn’t even conceive of all you do now on a daily basis that helps him live his life as is. Just as pp doesn’t

No you shouldn’t. People use nannies for that. It’s worth doing it to avoid loss of earning capacity even if you spend most of your salary on home aides. I don’t know any kids who suffered from mom coming back home at 6pm unless of course you have a special needs kid
I had a special needs child but even then it wasn’t appreciated by exH - he dumped me as soon as our child went to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

[Anonymous]

^^^three times as many people making $300k in your industry as making $69k, but the reality seems to be the reverse.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

Is this a man? Is this how you think women think?
What a self-serving and narcissistic view of motivation for action.
No. These are not the reasons a woman who is a wife and a mother might choose to work or SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

Is this a man? Is this how you think women think?
What a self-serving and narcissistic view of motivation for action.
No. These are not the reasons a woman who is a wife and a mother might choose to work or SAH.

No offense but I also think some women are lazy and prefer to SAH. SAH is an option for women unlike men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

This isn't true you know.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the women who would like to SAHM but can't/don't because they don't trust their husbands not to dump them for some young thing and leave them high and dry. That's an awful way to live. Why even marry someone you can't trust or respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the women who would like to SAHM but can't/don't because they don't trust their husbands not to dump them for some young thing and leave them high and dry. That's an awful way to live. Why even marry someone you can't trust or respect?

You’re being obtuse. Being financially dependent on someone changes the dynamics of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the women who would like to SAHM but can't/don't because they don't trust their husbands not to dump them for some young thing and leave them high and dry. That's an awful way to live. Why even marry someone you can't trust or respect?

You’re being obtuse. Being financially dependent on someone changes the dynamics of a relationship.

I had worked for a long time but became a mostly SAHM when we relocated a third time in five years. Being financially dependent did change the dynamics of our relationship but it was all due to my own feelings as my husband never did anything to make me feel dependent on him. I’d say things like it was all his money and dumb things like that. Eventually I got over it and happily he didn’t dump me for some young thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

Is this a man? Is this how you think women think?
What a self-serving and narcissistic view of motivation for action.
No. These are not the reasons a woman who is a wife and a mother might choose to work or SAH.

No offense but I also think some women are lazy and prefer to SAH. SAH is an option for women unlike men.

That’s interesting. Maybe this explains why I work with so many more lazy men than lazy women. The lazy women are staying at home . The men bring their laziness into the office. (They also tend to stay there late pontificating about nonsense in order to skip out on dinner/bath/bed with the kiddos).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

Is this a man? Is this how you think women think?
What a self-serving and narcissistic view of motivation for action.
No. These are not the reasons a woman who is a wife and a mother might choose to work or SAH.

No offense but I also think some women are lazy and prefer to SAH. SAH is an option for women unlike men.

That’s interesting. Maybe this explains why I work with so many more lazy men than lazy women. The lazy women are staying at home . The men bring their laziness into the office. (They also tend to stay there late pontificating about nonsense in order to skip out on dinner/bath/bed with the kiddos).

What kind of work do you do that offers so much downtime? I don’t like kids myself so I can understand why they’re trying to get out of it 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the women who would like to SAHM but can't/don't because they don't trust their husbands not to dump them for some young thing and leave them high and dry. That's an awful way to live. Why even marry someone you can't trust or respect?

Obviously when people marry, they do so with good intentions. But reality sometimes rears it’s ugly head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

Is this a man? Is this how you think women think?
What a self-serving and narcissistic view of motivation for action.
No. These are not the reasons a woman who is a wife and a mother might choose to work or SAH.

No offense but I also think some women are lazy and prefer to SAH. SAH is an option for women unlike men.

That’s interesting. Maybe this explains why I work with so many more lazy men than lazy women. The lazy women are staying at home . The men bring their laziness into the office. (They also tend to stay there late pontificating about nonsense in order to skip out on dinner/bath/bed with the kiddos).

What kind of work do you do that offers so much downtime? I don’t like kids myself so I can understand why they’re trying to get out of it 😀

Ha! I’m a doctor at an academic hospital. There isn’t a ton of downtime during the day, but you can hold the Med students and residents hostage “teaching” for any amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony.

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself.

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though. I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”

I'm a WOHM, but I have to agree with this. It seems odd to spend most of your waking life protecting yourself against a future that might not happen. It's kind of like doomsday preppers but with a greater time commitment and less fun.

If I were working for that reason, I might almost will a divorce to happen just so that it will have been worth it.

So why do you work then? Because deep down, you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce and you don't want to be a divorced woman with no resume, no updated skills, and no earning potential.

No. Not at all. I work because I like the work, think it’s important, like the extra money, and like getting out of the house and leaving my husband to deal with the kids.
I also don’t work in an industry where my skills would suddenly be useless 5 years from now, leaving me with no earning potential. Nor will they ever be worth five times what they are now, leaving me earning $60k when I could have been earning $300k if I had stayed in for ten years. (By the way...this all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. In theory, if everyone makes $300k+ after ten years, and most people have a 40 year career, then there should be 3x as many people making $300k in your industry.)

So it seems to me that women who don’t enjoy their work are more likely to lean out and go the SAHM route. But if like you, find work meaningful and want a different identity, then they’re more likely to continue working for a professional identity.

Is this a man? Is this how you think women think?
What a self-serving and narcissistic view of motivation for action.
No. These are not the reasons a woman who is a wife and a mother might choose to work or SAH.

No offense but I also think some women are lazy and prefer to SAH. SAH is an option for women unlike men.

That’s interesting. Maybe this explains why I work with so many more lazy men than lazy women. The lazy women are staying at home . The men bring their laziness into the office. (They also tend to stay there late pontificating about nonsense in order to skip out on dinner/bath/bed with the kiddos).

What kind of work do you do that offers so much downtime? I don’t like kids myself so I can understand why they’re trying to get out of it 😀

Ha! I’m a doctor at an academic hospital. There isn’t a ton of downtime during the day, but you can hold the Med students and residents hostage “teaching” for any amount of time.

I think someone who can train to be a doctor isn’t going to be very stimulated by dealing with small children. So many people like the idea of having their own kids but not the daily grind.